Re: Winter Solstice = Illegal

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

Mayor Sir Ryan has directly threatened we, the Celtic Club, with arrest and persecution should we hold our Winter Solstice Festival in Moons Field. Such a clear abuse of power hath not been known since the Romans conquered and enslaved the Celtics of the British isles long ago.

So in response, we shall concede. That’s right. We shall not hold our Winter Solstice Festival at Moons field tomorrow. We instead shall hold our Winter Solstice Festival DIRECTLY ON THE GROUND OF CITY HALL, so that the infernal, corrupt Mayor may watch our festivities from his office window.

We anticipate nearly one thousand attendants. Possibly more. This is not an exaggeration. If the Mayor delights in arresting innocent surfs and subjects, and assuming he has room in his already overcrowded jail, then we shall make it easier for him and celebrate at his doorstep, foam swords in hand.

Your move, Mayor. See you tomorrow.

– The unconquerable Lady Ceridwen

Winter Solstice = Illegal

Hello my fellow Byron City-ans,

I read the post by the outlaw Lady Cerridwen. Here is my response.

Since becoming thy Mayor legally and fairly without corruption as some hath supposed, I have only used this blog to announce official city business and occasionally to stop some more inflammatory posts that would disrupt the peace of our city. And so it is now.

I hereby announce that anyone caught attending Saturday’s Winter Solstice Celebration at Moon’s Field shall be arrested and jailed immediately. Also forthwith, anyone caught dressed like a Celt shall be jailed. However, people dressed in Medieval garb shall be permitted to do so. There’s a big difference, trust me. They look like complete nerds, we look dignified.

So let this be a first and final warning to ye of the Celtic Club. Your subversive Winter Solstice Celebration shall not occur, under penalty of jailing and fines.

And if ye bring foam swords and resist my rule, I and my posse of Mayoral guards shall respond in kind with our own foam weapon infantry, the likes of which would make ye piss your pantaloons. Do not try me. Ye shall fail.

My Mayoral Guard. I shall not hesitate to unleash them.

My Mayoral Guard. I shall not hesitate to unleash them.

Winter Solstice Celebration…or DEATH!

Merry Winter Solstice to ye all, though this has been a trying year for our people, full of persecution and heartache.

But we of the Celtic Club are tired of hiding. The tyrannical Mayor hath denied our club’s right to exist or hold our public LARP games, but this weekend, we shall rebel by throwing our annual Winter Solstice Festival in Moon’s Field. In public.

And I for one shall be dressed in full Celtic battle garb, including my trusty LARP bow, dubbed Lady Macha after the Celtic Goddess of protection in war and peace, cunning, deadliness, and dominance over men (I don’t understand why this turns men on, it is meant to frighten and overpower them, but whatever…).

larp archer

Fly true, Lady Macha.

The festival shall begin at 11 a.m. goddess time (which is the same as local time). Festivities shall include music, Celtic dancing, the drinking of mead and wine, a roasted pig, and Lady Stacey shall be setting up her hummus and vegan foods stand. We shall also have a grand LARP session in the late afternoon, so be ye prepared for battle.

By night, we shall enjoy performances by Lord Brian and his bagpipes, and Lady Jenna who will do her nude fire dancing to honor the Celtic fire Goddess Brigit. And unlike last year, all men present will need to keep a distance of at least 25 feet and shall not be permitted to take photos. This is a feminist expression of freedom and power, not a peep show, pigs.

flame dancer

A woman should be able to dance nude while juggling open flames on stage without being ogled by men.

At the conclusion of the evening, we shall honor Arianrhod, Celtic goddess of the moon, beauty, fertility, and reincarnation, by watching Inception on a big screen. Popcorn will be provided.

We do this in open rebellion of our Mayor, who has thrown many of our members in prison simply for being in the Celtic Club. No doubt he will try to stop our celebration. Let him come. We await him eagerly with foam swords in hand.

We are determined to defend our right to practice our beliefs, so we shall make merry this Saturday, come what may, until the Great Mother Moon doth bless us with her glow, or when the park officially closes at 10pm.

We shall celebrate or perish. Happy holidays.

Happy Winter Solstice, ye merry Celts!

Happy Winter Solstice, ye merry Celts!

Why My Cat Would Kick Your Dog’s Anus

Cats > Dogs

Cats > Dogs

People ask me all the time, “Are you a cat or a dog person?” And I always respond, “Do I look like a brain-dead idiot to you? Of course I like cats. Dogs can go kill themselves.” And then I open a beer with my teeth and pour it on top of their heads. Yea, I do that. And yes, I always have a beer in my back pocket for just such an occasion.

Why such an antagonistic, aggressive stance against dogs, you wonder? Well the reason is simple. Cats are awesome. They aren’t just for crazy old ladies and lonely women’s studies grad school students anymore. Cats are for manly, strong, independent men, and my cat could kick your dog’s anus, any day of the week, and he’d do it while napping on your face.

Here’s why.

1- They Can Take Care of Themselves, Dammit

Thanks for coming home and waking me up, idiot.

Thanks for coming home and waking me up, idiot.

I’m a busy man. When I leave home for work, and don’t come back for 12-16 hours, my cat doesn’t freak out and start chewing up the furniture while rubbing his butt all over the carpet. When I get home, my cat simply raises his head from his resting position and looks at me as if to say, “oh you stepped out? I didn’t even notice.” And then he goes back to sleep. I don’t have to treat my cat like a pussy.

2- They Don’t Take Your Crap

When my cat does something I don’t like, he doesn’t whimper in a corner with his tail between his legs pissing all over himself for me to forgive him and give him a doggy treat. He fights back. When I pull out the rolled up newspaper, he springs his retractable claws (another awesome attribute that dogs don’t have), arches his back and tells me to “bring it on, fat man.” We fight it out, then hug it out, and I give him a kitty treat out of pure respect, not out of pity.

3 – Cats Purr, Dogs Annoy

My cat purrs when he’s happy, which has been scientifically proven to be the most relaxing, beautiful sound in the world. Your dog? He barks like an idiot and humps something. Nothing relaxing or beautiful about that.

4- You Have to Earn Their Respect

I don't KNOW you, loser.

I don’t KNOW you, loser.

When you come over to visit, my cat doesn’t run up and start slobbering all over you while humping your leg. He hides. Why? He doesn’t know you, loser. Why in the world would he lather his affections over someone he’s never met? You know who does that? Dogs, psychos, and slutty whores.

When I first got my cat, he stalked me for three weeks and attacked spontaneously until I had earned his respect and the right to scratch his adorable, soft head. So if he likes you, it’s because you’re literally awesome.

5- Cats Are Always the Correct Size

Dogs that are so small they can’t help but shake all of the time should be put out of their misery and fed to their rat cousins. Dogs that are too big… my cat is tough enough to scare the non-existent nuts off of a Great Dane. Cats are always the right size. Dogs don’t know what the hell is going on with their varying sizes.

6- Cats Know Vomit and Crap is Gross

My cat on vomit: “You see that vomit I made? Yea, you’re going to clean it up. I’m not going to eat it like I didn’t just do something disgusting and putrid. I have self respect.” Well said, cat. Well said. The dog? “Hey, I wonder what this tastes like?”

My cat’s bathroom? A box located in a single location that he returns to every single time he needs to do his business. A dog’s bathroom? Anywhere it gets the urge. The floor, your shoe, your bag, anywhere. And then he’ll sniff it. Maybe if he’s feeling it, he’ll eat it, too. Point: Cats.

You can come out, all of your owners' valuables are gone now.

You can come out, all of your owners’ valuables are gone now.

7– Cats Actually Kill Things

Some people say cats are essentially useless creatures and that dogs are great for protection. My cat has actually killed a rat before. And a bird that flew into an open window. People who get dogs for protection will be surprised when a prowler breaks in and he runs away with his ears down and pisses in the dryer. And then takes a nap in the space where your TV used to be.

8- When I die, my cat will eat me

When you die, your dog will be all sad and lie next to your body and whimper and be all mopey and crap. Lame. My cat? He’ll actually eat my body for me when I’m gone. That not only takes balls, but it’s your cat’s way of saying, “I win, you lose, you’re now lunch.” It’s like a samurai cutting off the head of a defeated foe he respected on the battlefield. How is that not the best death tribute you could ever have?

9 – Cats Won’t Let You Dress them like Idiots

When you let me go, this is going in the liter box.

When you let me go, this is going in the liter box.

Your dog will let you put clothes on him:  lame “Hot Dog” Halloween costumes, Santa outfits, stupid little sweaters in the fall so their body that’s already covered in warming fur doesn’t get cold, etc. There’s seemingly no indignity that your dog won’t willingly suffer.

But my cat…I once bought him a little santa hat for our annual Christmas card photo. He pulled it off immediately and the next day I found it buried in his little box. Message received, little bro. I’ll never disrespect you like that again. Please accept this empty drinking straw as an apology.

10 –Dogs Stink More When You Clean Them, Cats Clean Themselves

Dogs need to be bathed, and when you try to, they don’t sit still. They jump out of the tub, they whimper, they shake themselves off and get slimy dog juice everywhere, and when you’re done, they smell worse than when you started. Cats clean themselves. And they look freaking adorable when they do it. Checkmate.

I love my freaking cat, so shut your face

I’m a manly man who owns 97 guns, has a goatee that would reverse your grandma’s menopause, and who loves his cat. I’m proud of it. And when that little bugger dies I will cry like a little girl and break all the other tombstones in the pet cemetery out of raw, unbridled grief. And now you know why. Because cats are awesome. When I need to pull a sleigh across the arctic, I’ll give you a call, dogs.

Oh, I'm sorry, you think I'm too fat? Go hit yourself with a car.

Oh, I’m sorry, you think I’m too fat? Go hit yourself with a car.

Join us, the Celtic Club, in overthrowing evil Mayor Sir Ryan – potluck to follow

To the undeserving and treacherous Fool Ryan-

In response to all of these “official” edicts we give you this warning:

Is minic a gheibhean beal oscailt diog dunta!

We know that by leaving this phrase un-translated, you will be forced to use modern technology (we call it Gooeglé) if you wish to know our minds, and we delight to see you so debased. But it will not stop there. We of the Celtic Club are expert in the ancient arts of war and sabotage.  We’ve studied it for the last two-and-a-half weeks.

Child’s cross-stitching of Morrigna, the Celtic war-goddess trinity

Your behavior has proven you are a tyrant, therefore we will unleash the wrath of the Morrigan, the Goddess of battle, strife, and violent Irish children upon you. Your strongholds will be raided, your cattle stolen (we count thy great supply of giant turkey legs as cattle), and we will seek the re-installment of your great enemy, Mayor Chuck, to the Mayoral throne, who even now is being prepared by our most wise council of druids and druidesses in secret. Though he said he’d only agree to speak with us if he didn’t have to wear any “funny clothes.” In our great wisdom, we agreed, knowing that it would enrage Fool Ryan even further.

Citizens, take heed!  Those who continue to align themselves with Fool Ryan will not be given the mystical secrets of our awesome handshake, nor be allowed to participate in the ancient ritual of attending underground parties that play music past 10:30 and now include an equal ratio of men and women (we have had many flock to us as of late.)  Also, Lady Caredwin makes these AWESOME homemade piggies-in-a-blanket for all our meetings.  Truly she is a goddess of both the battle and the hearth.

– Lady Cerridwen of The Celtic Club, a.k.a, the Resistance Movement

Celtic Club Twill NOT Accept New Laws by Sir Ryan

Thrust from my people like a bastard child, sent to cower in the woods like a mongrel, and plotting like an exiled queen, I send this message through a true Sister of the Order who will upload this text from a remote location where the IPS address won’t be recognized by the central server.

We will not be oppressed by the Mayor tyrant Sir Ryan.

Sir Ryan thinks he has won.  Ha!  I have been privy to his tyranny and have reason to suspect he sits on the council’s throne through treachery!  The Goddess will not support one who achieved their rule unrightly.  I send out a war-call to my friends who I once did party and role-play with in the medieval club.  Come join us in the Celtic Club where the leadership is not tainted by corruption, and the mead is brewed stronger than the weak purple stuff Sir Ryan serves.  Also, since my sisters all agreed to continue our sacred circle away from the foul influence of the monster Sir Ryan and his wretched dogs, we are now the only club of outcasts, lepers, and the socially awkward with any women in it.  For some in the medieval club, this was their only hope of engaging women in a form of dialogue outside of tutoring sessions…so they must join us! (Our men to women ratio is currently 1:3 … I twill let that sink in, unbetrothed gentlemen…)

Come stand with us as druids and hunters!  We will subvert the awful rule of Sir Ryan.  For those who are willing, we will meet under the great willow when the moon wanes dark to hide us from unfriendly eyes.  But if you can’t see and get scared, my porch light will still be on.

I await you.

The Lady Cerridwen

10 Mayor Decrees from Sir Ryan

Hark ho, mine faithful citizens of ye olde Byron City! It has been thence a few weeks, nigh unto a fortnight, since I was’st crowned Mayor and Ruler of Byron City, and things hath already improve’ed much. The streets be cleaner, the crime rate doth wane, and the hearts of all citizens e’rywhere be full of mirth and gayety (I meanest this in the original interpretation of “gay,” so stop laughing at me when I say that. Grow thou up.)

But lo! even more joy is on the way! I have, with the assistance of my loyal aide, Jester Dave, created a list of Mayoral decrees, effective hence thus now and forever after.

10 Mayoral Decrees 

1- Medieval Fridays
On the last Friday of each month, all citizens must dress in medieval garb and not use modern technology. Thou shalt find it fun.

2- Giant Turkey Legs
All restaurants must add Giant Turkey Legs to their menus. Even vegan restaurants, including Just Beet It, Soy Story, and Faux Bowl.

3- New LARP Arena
We will be levying taxes to build a new medieval Live Action Role Playing arena (LARP). T’will be the coolest thing on the planet, and medieval clubs from all over shall flock to our city to battle and hurl Nerf fireballs at one another, greatly improving the economy of our kingdom.

4- Mayor Chuck Exiled
Former Mayor Chuck is thus banned from office forever and his coat of arms replaced with a chicken-headed minstrel. And his house shall no longer considered part of Byron City. It’s now known as Loserville, population: 1.

5- Stephanie is Now my Girlfriend
Stephanie Banks-Dixon must be my official lady faire (my girlfriend). She may stay married to her husband if she likes, that’s cool, so long as he doesn’t hurt me and thou go’est on dates with me now and then, forsooth, perhaps the Grey Elf Tribe Annual Mixer tonight?

Seriously? That’s it? Lame.

6- Game Guides at Library
Byron City library must stock RPG game guides. The library current offers only the Buffy the Vampire slayer RPG guide, which verily is super lame.

7- No More Celtic Club
Since its lameness doth exceed the lameness of all things lame, the Celtic Club and is hereby dismantled, and all members are now part of the superior Medieval Club (except for Lady Cerridwen, who I wouldn’t let be mine house maid). All the Celtics died anyways, so there you go, losers.

8- Byron High’s New Mascot
Byron High’s new mascot shall be the Barnacle Goose, and the Cheerleaders shall be known as the Harpy Squad. The name doth fit.

9- Chinese Food Delivery
Happy Good Chinese Food must deliver even if the order doth not exceed $10. I mean, come on. Art thou serious? And I shall not tip the delivery man if he giveth me a weird look when I pay in quarters from my coin purse.

10- King Jeff Must Give Back my Nickleback CD
I’m serious, I know thou hath it. Thou can still be King of the Medieval Club, I just want’est my CD back.

That is all, but there be more to come. I admonish all citizens to adhere to these decrees, lest ye find yourselves in the disfavor of the honorable Mayor of the land of Byron.

Stephanie, I’ll pick you up at 5 tonight.

– His High Mayoral Eminence Sir Ryan.