About clairejenson

Assistant Editor in Chief at the Byron Gazette, determined to bring the paper into the 20th, and the then the 21st, century. Skilled journalist, ever curious, and eager to stop the Byron City tradition of burning down the printing presses of failed newspapers.

Mayor Chuck Re-elected as Mayor of Byron City!

Re-Elected Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther

Re-Elected Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

In a whirlwind election, former Mayor Chuck Barther was re-elected to a post he had recently resigned from due to scandal, returning order and a sense of normality to a city left in turmoil and steeped in scandal.

“We don’t care about the scandal, we just want things to go back to normal, like when he was the mayor before,” said John Parks, a Byron City native, in a sentiment shared by a majority of voters yesterday.

When the polls closed at 9pm last night, it was already clear that Mayor Chuck was the winner, gathering in 72% of the vote. Other candidates included town hero Lady Cerridwen with 17%, town recluse Bill Grue with 6%, and Internet sensation Grumpy Cat with 5%.

grumpy cat

Platform slogan: “No Hope.”

The last-minute election was run by the State, who took over management of the city after Byron City’s most recent mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was arrested and charged with multiple counts of corruption and illegal activity.

When State officials were asked about whether Mayor Chuck should be allowed to take office given his past scandal, they stated, “Yea, sure, we’ll pardon him or whatever, anything to get this freak show of a town moving again. That statement is off the record, by the way. Don’t type that.”

Mayor Chuck did not campaign for or even vote in this special election, but since the news broke last night, he reportedly showed up for work at City Hall in exactly the same manner as he did before he resigned, dressed in a faded grey suit, carrying a briefcase and a brown-bag lunch.

“Go away. I have work to do,” Mayor Chuck said as he climbed the staircase for work. “And as for special plans, I’m getting this town back to normal and doing nothing, just like before. And I’m probably going to shut down our city blog that you write for. That’s when things started to get stupid around here. The internet is stupid.”

State Officials will continue to monitor things in Byron City, but have stated that they will no longer take an active part in the town’s day-to-day activities. “We’re leaving. This town is boring.”

Special Mayoral Election to be held Monday

uncle same vote or dieState officials announced today that a special election will be held on Monday to determine the legitimate replacement mayor of Byron City. To avoid corruption and tampering, only paper ballot will be counted and no absentee or electronic ballots will be counted.

The announcement comes on the heels of the largest scandal ever to hit Byron City. After former Mayor Chuck resigned following allegations that he unlawfully appointed members to the City Counsel, allegedly because he was blackmailed, Mayor Sir Ryan was appointed in his stead by the City Counsel. After imposing many unusual and illegal laws, he was forcibly removed from office by the Celtic Club, went into hiding, and was later kidnapped and returned to Town Hall, restrained, next to a box full of incriminating evidence against him

Mayor Sir Ryan was immediately removed from office and is awaiting trial at the county jail.

All citizens are encouraged to register to vote by Monday. Government offices will remain open through the weekend to process registration, per order of the state. They have also ordered a background check into all City Council members and are considering shutting down the city blog, since maintaining an official city blog may not be lawful.

Based on a random telephone poll of 50 citizens, this is what the race so far is turning into.

Candidates for Mayor- The race so far (poll)

Lady Cerridwen, 33%Leader of Celtic Club and local hero for taking down Mayor Sir Ryan.
Bill Grue 33%Conspiracy theorist, responsible for kidnapping Mayor Sir Ryan and collecting evidence that led to his conviction. Currently missing.
Bob Van Daniels, 12%– local business owner of Sausage Fest
Jerry Mills, 9%– Dentist, humorist, and super excited to have fun
Chuck Barther, 7%– After resigning from office, would he ever consider taking back the city that turned its back on him?
Undecided, 6%

Medieval Mayor Removed From Office

Sir Ryan

Sir Ryan

Mayor of Byron City Sir Ryan has been forcibly removed from office by the State following proof of gross misconduct, including corruption, blackmail, extortion, intimidation, and misuse of power. He will more than likely face jail time.

State officials have taken over administration of city government because of the “Byron City Mayoral mess,” a series of screw ups in which the city council appointed Sir Ryan, and allowed him to run the government into the ground while plunging the entire city into virtual anarchy.

A special election will be held, overseen by the state, within the next few months.

For those unfamiliar with Mayor Sir Ryan, here is a timeline of his “reign of terror” as Byron City Mayor (and yes, that is his legal name, ‘Sir’ is his first name and ‘Ryan’ is his last; he had it legally changed when he turned 18 from the less “royal” name of Ryan Michonzski).

Mayor Sir Ryan Timeline

May 1, 2012

Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck accused of bribery and corruption

Jul 2,2012
Mayor Chuck denies allegations, resigns, gives press the middle finger

Aug 3, 2012
Sir Ryan Appointed Mayor by City Council

Sept 11, 2012
Sir Ryan unveils new “laws,” including:

  • Mandatory Medieval Fridays
  • Forces all restaurants to serve giant turkey legs
  • Commissions the building of a new LARP Arena
  • Exiles former Mayor Chuck
  • Forces a woman to be his girlfriend
  • Forces the High School Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad”
  • Outlawes the rival club, The Celtic Club
Sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Secret sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Sept 14, 2012

Celtic Club starts resistance movement to “Sir Ryan’s Reign of Terror”

Sept 25, 2012
Sir Ryan Accused of Muzzling the Press

Oct 29, 2012
Sir Ryan Enforces more unpopular changes, including:

  • Replaces streetlights with torchlight
  • Lowers speed limit to 10mph, the “max acceptable speed of a beast of burden.”
  • Shuts down bus service, replacing it with handcarts pulled by “serfs”
  • Turns fire department into convent of Gregorian monks

Oct 30, 2012
Celtic Club Resistance movement gains serious momentum

LARP Battle on the Elf Fantasy Fair, METRO 21-04-07Dec 22, 2012
Celtic Club holds a festival/protest on the grounds of City Hall. Mayor Sir Ryan dispatches his own private force of medieval club warriors to disperse the group, and a giant LARP battle commences. Mayor Sir Ryan is defeated and goes into hiding.

Jan 15, 2013
Police determine that Mayor Sir Ryan was being held hostage by Byron City citizen, survivalist and conspiracy theorist Bill Grue, most likely in one of his many emergency bunkers. Which one, the police were unable to determine.

Feb 11, 2013
After nearly two months missing, Sir Ryan turns up, duct taped to the wall of city hall with a box full of pictures, videos, and documents proving the occurrence of fraud, bribery, blackmail, misuse of power, intimidation, and illegal use of resources. (mission mayor found)

Today
It has been announced that a special election will be held within the month to elect a new LEGITIMATE mayor. Whole process to be overseen by the state, since Byron City has been deemed “inept.”

Missing Mayor Found, Duct-Taped to Town Hall

Town Hall erupted this morning as Byron City’s missing Mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was returned to the steps of Town Hall, duct taped to the wall just outside the front doors and gagged, with a box full of pictures, documents, and audiotapes left next to him with the label “Evidence.”

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Mayor Sir Ryan had been missing for over a month after a Celtic Club celebration in front of Town Hall turned into an impromptu LARP battle between the Celtic Club and their rival, the Renaissance Club. The Mayor, himself a Renaissance Club leader, led the LARP assault, but in the end was defeated. There was no word or sight of him since.

In his absence, all official Mayor duties were carried out by Deputy Mayor Brian Havig and Mayor Sir Ryan’s right hand man, the Sarcastic Thief. Havig has stated that it has been hard to get any work done, since he’s not sure if the sarcastic thief actually likes his ideas or if he’s just being mean.

Then last week, local conspiracy theorist and camouflage enthusiast Bill Grue announced in a blog post, that he had indeed found and captured the Mayor and had him tied up in one of his bunkers. Local law enforcement was unable to find the Mayor since Grue reportedly has many emergency bunkers hidden all over Byron City, primarily for hurricanes, wildfires, chemical warfare, a second Obama presidency, suspension of guns laws, gay marriage, and the zombie apocalypse.

It is believed that initial inspection by law enforcement of the box marked “Evidense” has uncovered proof of wrongdoing and illegal activity of the unpopular Mayor during his short time as Mayor, including bribery, misuse of power, mismanagement of funds, and forcing of a certain citizen to be his girlfriend (allegedly Stephanie Banks-Dickson, a married woman whom he is known to have had a crush on).

We will provide more information as it becomes available.

Protest Turns into giant LARP Battle

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Byron City – The Celtic Club’s Winter Solstice Festival turned into a full on LARP Battle when the Medieval Club showed up to forcibly shut it down, leaving hundreds of teens and college students pretend injured and fake dead.

The Festival, held as both a celebration and an open protest against the unpopular, newly appointed Mayor Sir Ryan, commenced despite threats from the Mayor to arrest anyone in attendance. Sir Ryan, himself a member of the Medieval Club, has also passed other unpopular laws, such as forcing restaurants to add giant turkey legs to their menu, spending the local library’s entire budget on Game Guides, and forcing the Byron High Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad.”

Celtic Club members began their festival Saturday at 11am on the grounds of Town Hall, choosing the spot purposefully in order to “annoy the mayor.” Mayor Sir Ryan responded by dispatching his own force of over 200 “medieval body guards,” armed with foam swords and shields and drunk on “Courage Mead” (Mountain Dew). The LARP battle began immediately, with Mayor Sir Ryan himself joining the fray (photo).

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Mayor Sir Ryan leaping into action to defeat a Celtic Club protestor outside Town Hall.

Calls flooded the local 911 call center for nearly an hour, though no action was taken since “nerdy teens doing something weird” as callers described it is not technically illegal.

By the end of the conflict, the Celtic Club had taken over the Town Hall, raised their flag, and began distributing free butter beer while singing a Gaelic victory hymn before the real police arrived and dispersed the crowd.

Mayor Sir Ryan disappeared with his closest aids after the battle and has not been seen since.

Celtic Club attributes its victory to the fact that it was “fighting for freedom and the very right to exist.” They admit that some of the victory may be due to the fact that they have more “hot girls” than the medieval club, and many nerds willingly let a girl beat them for the chance to talk to her later and maybe going to The Hobbit or something next weekend.

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Medieval Club soldier purposefully “going easy” on rival Celtic Club soldier for the chance to talk to her after.

Sir Ryan’s Reign of Terror Continues

Sir Ryan, our new Mayor and former leader of the town’s Medieval club, is at again, this time with even more “improvements.” Here’s the latest in his renaissance upgrades:

  • Putting out fires through prayer and solemn latin hymns.

    Has replaced 90% of city streetlights with torch lights, laying off a large portion of city utility workers in the process.

  • Lowered speed limit to 10 mph to match the max acceptable speed by “beast of burden.”
  • Replaced city bus service with carts pulled by “serfs.”
  • Police guns have been replaced with swords, and the fire department is now a convent of Gregorian monks.

In a curious move, Mayor Sir Ryan has also pardoned and released the famous “Sarcastic Thief,” the robber who managed to rob a local convenience store armed only with sarcasm earlier this year. It appears the sarcastic thief is now employed by Mayor Sir Ryan as his staff press secretary. In a press conference held this morning, he said:

“Some of you have complained that Sir Ryan’s newest laws are crazy. Let me tell you that we are sooOOooOOoo concerned about that, since you all are TOTALLY the smartest people on the planet. Sure, we’ll get right on fixing that right away, don’t you worry. Oh, and Ted, great article about Byron High School’s latest tutoring program. REALLY exciting stuff. Bravo,” saying the last phrase while clapping loudly and slowly with an un-amused facial expression.

I believe Sir Ryan has gone to far. Someone should do something. Stay tuned as the unrest continues.

Mayor Sir Ryan is Hiding Something

As a journalist, I try to be unbiased and let the truth speak for itself. But when the powers that be muzzle the press and attempt to keep the truth from getting out, I feel like I must speak out.

Our new Mayor Sir Ryan is not allowing the press to be free. He is hiding something.

A more accurate portrait of our Mayor Sir Ryan.

Ever since Sir Ryan was appointed Mayor by the City Council, I have tried to interview council members to find out why Sir Ryan was chosen despite having so many other better-qualified citizens available to them. Thousands of emails and phone calls have gone unanswered. I have not managed to get a single meeting from anyone. The City Hall answering machine currently says, after a long list of directory options, “To speak to an operator, press 0, if you’re a member of the press, go hang yourself.”

I managed to track down councilwoman Laurel Sandberg-Armstrong at the construction site of her new guesthouse. Despite being able to see her crouched behind a saw-table through the wooden frame of her under-construction guest home, she still pretended no one was home. After some research, I found out that the 5-acre lot she was building on used to be a nature preserve, but when Sir Ryan was elected, that “preserve” status was magically revoked, and Ms. Armstrong purchased the land that same day for only $1. Interesting.

I also tracked down councilman Brian Havig at the Byron High homecoming game. Before I could get a question out, he threw a tray of nachos at me, ran away stumbling down the bleachers, twisting his ankle in the process. Someone has him scared. When I requested to see if he had a file with the police department, the police told me that his file had “burned down.” A file on one person somehow burnt to the ground, and no one else’s?  “Yup,” the unhelpful police officer said, and then hung up the phone.

I finally tried going to the source, right to City Hall to talk to Mayor Sir Ryan. There is always a group of his Medieval Club cronies guarding the door, and as soon as I approached, they beat me with foam swords and yelled medieval insults at me like “Media Strumpet” and “Vexing Journalist Wench” and “Newspaper Ninny” until I had no choice but to leave (foam swords hurt more than you’d think).

I’ve talked to journalists at the Byron City Gazette and Byron City Post and they have all received the same treatment. Something fishy is going on behind closed doors in Byron City. Something that goes all the way to the top.

There’s a reason Sir Ryan rose from a nothing Medieval Club weirdo to the most powerful man in the City. And this newspaper ninny intends to find out.