Special Mayoral Election to be held Monday

uncle same vote or dieState officials announced today that a special election will be held on Monday to determine the legitimate replacement mayor of Byron City. To avoid corruption and tampering, only paper ballot will be counted and no absentee or electronic ballots will be counted.

The announcement comes on the heels of the largest scandal ever to hit Byron City. After former Mayor Chuck resigned following allegations that he unlawfully appointed members to the City Counsel, allegedly because he was blackmailed, Mayor Sir Ryan was appointed in his stead by the City Counsel. After imposing many unusual and illegal laws, he was forcibly removed from office by the Celtic Club, went into hiding, and was later kidnapped and returned to Town Hall, restrained, next to a box full of incriminating evidence against him

Mayor Sir Ryan was immediately removed from office and is awaiting trial at the county jail.

All citizens are encouraged to register to vote by Monday. Government offices will remain open through the weekend to process registration, per order of the state. They have also ordered a background check into all City Council members and are considering shutting down the city blog, since maintaining an official city blog may not be lawful.

Based on a random telephone poll of 50 citizens, this is what the race so far is turning into.

Candidates for Mayor- The race so far (poll)

Lady Cerridwen, 33%Leader of Celtic Club and local hero for taking down Mayor Sir Ryan.
Bill Grue 33%Conspiracy theorist, responsible for kidnapping Mayor Sir Ryan and collecting evidence that led to his conviction. Currently missing.
Bob Van Daniels, 12%– local business owner of Sausage Fest
Jerry Mills, 9%– Dentist, humorist, and super excited to have fun
Chuck Barther, 7%– After resigning from office, would he ever consider taking back the city that turned its back on him?
Undecided, 6%

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Mis Won Best Picture

best picture 2013 nomineesI’m sitting here writing this article Sunday morning and setting it to post Monday morning because I don’t want to stay up late to write it after all the Hollywood bigwigs have finally stopped talking about how great they are and licking each other’s feet-holes. I’ve written a broad article that covers all three of the top contenders for the 2013 Academy Award for best picture. Just circle the one that actually won and you won’t know the difference.

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable Won Best Picture

danile day lewis oscars

Inside, I hate all of you.

Wow, I can’t believe (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) won best picture! I was happy to see (how excited Ben Affleck looked/how outwardly pleased yet inwardly loathing of everyone around him Daniel Day-Lewis was/ how Anne Hathaway literally laugh-cried into a blubbery mess of mascara and short hair before any winner was actually announced). They certainly deserved their moment in the spotlight. Now I can stop (wondering/hoping/getting annoyed every time someone says the title with a horrible French accent) and move on to congratulate the uncontested winner.

The academy must have (had a hard time choosing/second guessed their decision/thought it would be hilarious) to give this particular film the win, but in the end, I guess they really wanted (a really exciting yet brilliant film to win/a picture with historical gravitas to win/to get “One Day More” stuck in everyone’s head for a few more weeks). I guess it just goes to show that a movie with a lot of (heart/brilliant acting/actors who can’t sing) is still the best formula for making classic cinema.

hugh-jackman-gay

It shall be my greatest performance, be-yotch.

At first I was shocked when they announced (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) was the winner, but the more I think about it, the less surprised I am. First of all, (Alan Arkin’s/Daniel Day-Lewis’s/Hugh Jackman’s) stunning portrayal as (a slimy Hollywood insider turned CIA agent/an iconic leader at America’s most difficult crossroad/a gay Hollywood heart-throb pretending to be a straight actor) was nothing short of brilliant.

Second, the (writing/production design/volume of terrifyingly disgusting prostitutes) was at a level not often seen in movies these days. And third, it must have taken years for (John Goodman/Sally Field/Helena Bonham Carter) to perfect that (sly sense of surly confidence/ability to channel one of history’s most famous first ladies/ creepy-looking eyeball face thing she does).

Helena-Bonham-Carter

Yup, that’s the look.

My hat goes off to the director, who no doubt (has done his greatest work to date/must have spent years studying and immersing himself in the time period/just ripped everything off of the Broadway production). And that scene where (the American’s get stopped at the airport/ the Amendment is being voted on in the House/Amanda Seyfried and Eddie Redmayne attempt to sing at each other) was a complete nail biter! I almost couldn’t watch!

Of course, no movie is perfect, and this year’s winner is no exception. It could have done better with (character development/historical inaccuracies/trying too hard to make me cry) but overall it was a truly brilliant performance worthy of (your movie collection/the history books/Kathryn Bigelow’s disdain). No doubt all the fans of this film are currently (happy Ben Affleck finally got the praise he deserves/discussing the film’s message for our modern age/sacrificing a virgin on the altar of Victor Hugo).

So here’s to this year’s winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture! Hopefully your success will inspire many more movies with (intelligent intrigue/timeless importance/Russell Crowe’s beard) in the years to come.

Now will everyone stop bring up Dare Devil already?

Thank you. Now can we just forget about Daredevil from now on please?

Valentine’s Day Tips – For Singles, Pets, and more!

Hello subscribers and newcomers! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and some of you might still be wondering what you can do to make this special night extra special for that special someone. Well, as an aspiring gossip/advise columnist, I took to the streets to ask the special people of Byron City what kind of advice they would give to the longing-lovers of the world.

Shane JerichoLonely Valentine’s Day Tips
by Shane Jericho, recent college grad and tax accountant, former star quarterback for Byron City High

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me just a few days ago (I don’t think she realized Valentine’s Day was coming up or I think she would have waited until after I bought her a fancy dinner and a ton of flowers to cut the cord), so this is more like Single’s Awareness day for me. But I’ve got a lot of fun ideas that will be even better than the carriage ride and candle-lit lake-side dinner on the pier I had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Singles

  • sam and frodo in loveWatch Lord of the Rings and pretend Frodo and Sam are dating. It’s like a romantic comedy!
  • Do the dishes using only heart-shaped scrub motions. It’s a lot more challenging than you’d think!
  • Make a bouquet out of the clippings from your herb garden.
  • When you read your fortune cookie from your Chinese takeout, end it by adding “…in bed.”  to the end. Lol, it’s hilarious.
  • I’m so lonely.

I guess the point is, just be creative. And interesting. And don’t peak in high school. And don’t say I love you too soon or she’ll break up with you just before Valentine’s Day. Even though you’ve been dating for over six months and it’s time you said it. And don’t call her on Valentine’s day, no matter how much you miss her. I’m calling her.

Tiffany KimValentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls
by Tiffany Kim, student at Byron City Community College, fashionista, total geek lol

Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago (I didn’t realize Valentine’s Day was coming up or I TOTALLY would have let him wine and dine me first before breaking it off, boo), so this is yet another Single’s Awareness day for me. But I called my best girlfriend and we have a few awesome ideas for us single girls to that will be better than the lame dinner and movie my ex-boyfriend probably had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls

  • Dress slutty and go to a club to enjoy being annoyed by all the guys hitting on you. And free drinks!
  • I’m out of ideas

But it’s a start! We’ll just see where the night takes us! Hold on, someone’s calling. TTFN!

Stephanie Banks-DicksonV-Day Tips for Pets!
Stephanie Banks-Dickson, former Miss Byron City Pageant Winner, Wife, and Owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming

Re-Create the Lady and the Tramp Spaghetti Scene
I absolutely LOVE celebrating Valentine’s Day with my pets! Every year I re-create the scene from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp, giving my pets their own romantic evening complete with a plate of puppy spaghetti. They mostly just get spaghetti everywhere and then throw it up in my closet later, but still it’s so cute!

valentine's day puppyDress to Impress
Even if your pet is a single pouch, fear not! You can still have fun dressing them in cute outfits for the occasion. Here’s Princess Puddle Pants in her cute Valentine’s outfit this year. She’s ready to hit the town and find herself a top dog!*

*Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets

Brandon ZequeraHow to Totally Get Some This Valentine’s Day
by Brandon Zequera, Lead Singer and Guitarist of his own band, Brandon Zequera.

Dude, I’m never alone on Valentine’s Day and I don’t even try, so just relax. And if you have some chick you’re trying to round the bases with, and want to make sure you make the right moves that manipulate her emotional feminine heart back to your pad, here’s what you do.

Even better than the real thing.

Even better than the real thing.

Email a Card: Email her a V-day card pdf. It’s fast and cheap, and basically gets the job done. Limit any custom message to five words. Sending some long, sappy, hand-written love note basically tells her you cry all of the time and are essentially a woman, so don’t do that. But don’t do nothing, either. Minimal effort is key.

Go someplace reservations aren’t required: Going out to eat on V-day sucks, it’s way too busy and stressful and expensive. You don’t want to try too hard anyways. That turns girls off. Go someplace like a café or fast-casual restaurant where you don’t need reservations.

Be generous: Don’t be cheap on V-day. This is her special night, so offer to split the bill. Don’t expect her to pay the whole bill this time.

If all else fails, play the guitar. Works every time.

You’re welcome. Good luck, dudes.

Superbowl Blackout Conspiracy Theory

Beyoncé makes Illuminati symbol to her worshipers during her performance at the Superbowl.

Beyoncé makes Illuminati symbol to her worshipers during her performance at the Superbowl.

The Superbowl was this past Sunday. I usually don’t watch it because of the subliminal messaging and radiation that comes through the television during large scale televised events, but this time I was watching it through a special deflector, and something came up that intrigued me. Just after halftime, as the Baltimore Ravens were completely destroying the 49ers, the power went off. Over 30 minutes later, the power was restored and the game continued. The 49ers came back to nearly win it. The game ended, life went back to normal.

Or so you thought.

You see, the power outage was no accident. Beyoncé isn’t a simple entertainer. And Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos mean something much darker than you could possibly imagine. Take a look again at the chain of events and tell me there is no connection.

Superbowl Blackout Chain of Events

End of Second Quarter — The Score: Ravens 21, 49ers 6

Halftime — Beyoncé Performs. Sings anti-marriage /  government-forced celibacy song, “Single Ladies.” Beyoncé and her fans make illuminati triangle symbols with hands as they worship her during the performance.beyonce illuminati fans

Beginning of Third Quarter  — Ravens score immediately on kick off.

Shortly after Raven’s Kickoff Score  — Stadium goes dark

5min into Blackout  — 49ers punter goes missing.

7min into Blackout  — Oreo tweets this pre-prepared blackout ad.

13min into the Blackout  — Ravens momentum has cooled off. A few fans witness Jay-Z in the shadows near the locker room entrance screaming at Joe Flacco.

22min into the Blackout  — Colin Kaepernick disappears from the field for a few moments. Returns with new tattoo.

34min into the Blackout  —  Jim and John Harbaugh exchange secret hand signs.

35min into Blackout  —  Lights go back on, play resumes.

3rd Quarter  —  49ers miraculously come back to make the game more exciting and lucrative for late-game advertisers.

4th Quarter Commercial Break  — We are fed a subliminal TV commercial glorifying the virtues of manual farm labor and serfdom.

End of 4th Quarter  — Ravens “take a safety” instead of kicking it off, making the final Score 34 – 31, the illuminati number of death.*

So those are the facts. Anything look suspicious? It should. And it’s no coincidence that Beyoncé just a few weeks prior lip-synced at the inauguration of fellow Illuminati leader Barack Obama. But why has the Illuminati so publicly flaunted their power? Why the secret death code? Why do players with dreadlocks never seem to have one ripped out accidentally during play? I haven’t connected all of the dots yet, but there’s definitely something they don’t want you to know. We may be on the eve of a new world order.

P.S. I’ve found the Mayor, and he’s currently tied up in my basement. I’ll deliver him when I’ve finished my investigation.

*3431, based on the letters on a standard US telephone, the numbers spell “Die.” The 1 has no letters on a telephone because, according to the illuminati, the number “one” represents their satanic leadership, which cannot be defined.

And the Winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture is…!

The Academy Awards, aka the Oscars, aka the worst award show on the planet, will take place on February 24th. They have already announced the nominees, with the Best Picture category garnering the most attention and stealing the glory away from other awards such as Best Cinematography and Best Sound Mixing and Best Person to Hold a Boom Mic Over An Actor’s Head.

So which Best Picture nominee will take home the top prize? Which obviously gay star will choose this moment to come out of the closet that he or she wasn’t exactly hiding in to begin with? Will the host this year suck or will they dig Billy Crystal out of his tomb again?

Here are the nominees, along with my prediction of the winner.

“Django Unchained”

django-unchained-jamie-foxx

Another Tarantino film with a ton of violence and a misspelled title. I don’t know how Tarantino managed to get any filming done when he was constantly whipping blood off of the camera lens I’ll never know. Seriously, this guy loves splattering blood so much I’m surprised he hasn’t been locked away as a serial killer yet. And stop acting in all your own movies. It was cute when Hitchcock did it because he was old and didn’t say anything. You actually try to act. Stick to what you do best: fantasize about killing hundreds of people all day and then writing a screenplay about it. Sicko.

“Les Misérables”

Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean Les Misérables

Note to everyone: stop trying to pronounce the name of this film correctly, you sound like you’re dry heaving. Which is exactly what I was doing for real during the entire length of this 3-hour debacle. At least the title, translated to “The Miserables” is accurate. I can’t think of a more miserable movie full of miserable actors who all called in sick for their voice lessons. I liked it better when it was a play, and even better when it was a giant novel I would never read.

“Amour”

Amour film

Showing that the Academy still gets all-gooey for all things French and cripplingly depressing. I’d rather visit my grandmother in an old folks home built inside of a renovated concentration camp. That experience would be a LOT less depressing.

“Argo”

ARGO

This whole movie was just an excuse for Ben Affleck to wear crazy 70s suits to work everyday and do what he does best: pretend to be a real life filmmaker. Time to call it quits, Ben. Even after an Oscar-nominated movie, Matt Damon STILL won’t return your phone calls. And your wife has weird toes.

“Lincoln”

Abraham-Lincoln-Vampire-Hunter-Night-550x814_4

I loved this movie. The whole story of Abraham Lincoln trying to end the civil war, outlaw slavery, and kill vampires by night was truly compelling. Wait, that’s not the one that’s nominated? The boring one without vampire killing was nominated? That 2.5-hour waste of my life where Lincoln struggles to accomplish something we already know he’ll accomplish in the first place? The movie that not only has no vampire battles but skipped the part where Lincoln gets his head blown off? The only good part of that movie was watching James Spader freak out when Lincoln walks into the room unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, the academy can choke on their own elbow patches.

“Life of Pi”

life-of-pi

I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called Slumdog Millionaire and the CGI tiger was a crazy game show host. I also liked it better when the boy and the tiger were two gay cowboys. Either way, this movie won’t win simply because there weren’t enough other people in this movie to overact for the academy. And not “Indian” enough to get the white-guilt vote. 

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”

beasts-of-the-southern-wild-2jpg-a41fc72827b8ef87

Another movie no one has ever heard of included only so the Academy still seems “legit.” But when you define legit in the same way a hipster wearing a cookie monster bib defines legit, you are no longer legit. This movie is weird, confusing, and is only nominated because people still feel bad about the whole Louisiana Hurricane Katrina thing.

“Silver Linings Playbook”

silver-linings-playbook

Would have liked it better if Jennifer Lawrence broke out her bow and killed all the other contestants to win the movie. Especially Bradley Cooper. He needs to go back to his modeling career, where he just stands there and looks pretty.

“Zero Dark Thirty”

zero dark thirty

If you make a fake crappy movie about a real awesome event, then you shouldn’t get to be nominated for best picture. It’s cheating. A hair-lipped monkey could have made this story into a Best Picture nominee. Speaking of which, why are we still so enthralled with Kathryn Bigelow? Aren’t we over this whole “women are just as good as men” thing yet? I thought we proved that already and can go back to letting men win at everything again like we’re supposed to.

Predicted Winner: We Are All Losers.

When Hollywood strikes out, we all lose. Wake me when they start making Godfather-calibre movies again.

Beyoncé Lip-Synced at the Inauguration? My world just shattered

Beyonce lip-synch

Like every other patriotic American, I watched President Obama’s inauguration to view a historic event unfold in real time. And also to see Jennifer Hudson, Jay Z, Katy Perry, James Taylor, Kelly Clarkson, and especially, Beyoncé. My fave diva of all time behind Madonna and Lady Gaga.

But I just heard that Beyoncé lip-synched her inauguration performance. Lip-synced! That’s right, it was all a sham. The only true sound coming from the stage at that time was the sound of my world shattering. Is nothing real anymore? My hopes and dreams have all been crushed. Someone call Chris Angel and tell him there is no magic in the world.

I mean, I can’t believe it is true. I watched and re-watched her song many times: her enthusiastic hand gestures, the veins popping out of her neck, and her removing the earpiece because she’s so awesome she doesn’t need no earpiece to touch the hearts of America. All of it, lies? Say it ain’t so, Sasha Fierce!

I haven’t felt this let down since I found out Katy Perry and Russell Brand were getting divorced. Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day hiding under my bed eating saltines and listening to “Mad World” on a loop.

Online Review: Smucker’s Peanut butter WITH honey in the same jar? Wha…?!

Am I in the future right now?

Am I in the future right now?

I was doing my bi-weekly grocery-shopping trip at Dales Food & Drug this morning when I noticed something that completely shocked me: Smucker’s All-Natural Peanut Butter with honey. WITH honey?! Am I in the future right now? Will I walk outside and see hover cars and laser beams all over the place?

First it was Greek yogurt, and now this? All these new products…the world is just plain moving too fast for me. I just sat there trying to decide whether to buy it or put it back. In the end, I took a deep breath and put it in my basket. What a rush!

So after I went outside, waited for the shuttle, got on the shuttle, went past main, 3rd street, 4th street, Williams street, turned right on 7th street, passed the bowling alley, passed Washington Ave, Belmont Ave, River Rd, turned left and then took a quick right into my home at Pleasant Acres Community for Active Adults, I got some bread from the kitchen area and got a’ spreadin’!

Review of Smucker’s All Natural Peanut Butter with Honey

This is my first online review ever! Wow, I’m all full of trying new things, what has gotten into me today? I’m sure not acting my age, that’s for sure. Next thing you know I’ll be wearing tight jeans and having a pizza party!

Ok, my first review, so here goes:

I enjoyed Smucker’s All Natural Peanut Butter with Honey very much! It tastes great on bread, and I no longer need to open two jars and spread honey and peanut butter separately. All the sandwich, half the time!

But it wasn’t all butter and honey! I don’t mean to be a Negative Nelly, but it was a bit messy. Also, the jar lid was hard to open, even after I had already opened it many times. And you don’t get the same crunchy honey bread taste from it as you do when you spread peanut butter and honey separately. But I guess these are the sacrifices we make with new technology comes along. It’s just one more thing I’ll miss as I get older. That, and my grandchildren. And my mother.

Smucker’s All Natural Peanut Butter with Honey

Pros:
–       Peanut Butter and Honey in one jar, no need for two jars
–       Tastes great on bread

Cons:
–       Messy
–       Jar is hard to open
–       I miss my grandkids