And the Winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture is…!

The Academy Awards, aka the Oscars, aka the worst award show on the planet, will take place on February 24th. They have already announced the nominees, with the Best Picture category garnering the most attention and stealing the glory away from other awards such as Best Cinematography and Best Sound Mixing and Best Person to Hold a Boom Mic Over An Actor’s Head.

So which Best Picture nominee will take home the top prize? Which obviously gay star will choose this moment to come out of the closet that he or she wasn’t exactly hiding in to begin with? Will the host this year suck or will they dig Billy Crystal out of his tomb again?

Here are the nominees, along with my prediction of the winner.

“Django Unchained”


Another Tarantino film with a ton of violence and a misspelled title. I don’t know how Tarantino managed to get any filming done when he was constantly whipping blood off of the camera lens I’ll never know. Seriously, this guy loves splattering blood so much I’m surprised he hasn’t been locked away as a serial killer yet. And stop acting in all your own movies. It was cute when Hitchcock did it because he was old and didn’t say anything. You actually try to act. Stick to what you do best: fantasize about killing hundreds of people all day and then writing a screenplay about it. Sicko.

“Les Misérables”

Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean Les Misérables

Note to everyone: stop trying to pronounce the name of this film correctly, you sound like you’re dry heaving. Which is exactly what I was doing for real during the entire length of this 3-hour debacle. At least the title, translated to “The Miserables” is accurate. I can’t think of a more miserable movie full of miserable actors who all called in sick for their voice lessons. I liked it better when it was a play, and even better when it was a giant novel I would never read.


Amour film

Showing that the Academy still gets all-gooey for all things French and cripplingly depressing. I’d rather visit my grandmother in an old folks home built inside of a renovated concentration camp. That experience would be a LOT less depressing.



This whole movie was just an excuse for Ben Affleck to wear crazy 70s suits to work everyday and do what he does best: pretend to be a real life filmmaker. Time to call it quits, Ben. Even after an Oscar-nominated movie, Matt Damon STILL won’t return your phone calls. And your wife has weird toes.



I loved this movie. The whole story of Abraham Lincoln trying to end the civil war, outlaw slavery, and kill vampires by night was truly compelling. Wait, that’s not the one that’s nominated? The boring one without vampire killing was nominated? That 2.5-hour waste of my life where Lincoln struggles to accomplish something we already know he’ll accomplish in the first place? The movie that not only has no vampire battles but skipped the part where Lincoln gets his head blown off? The only good part of that movie was watching James Spader freak out when Lincoln walks into the room unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, the academy can choke on their own elbow patches.

“Life of Pi”


I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called Slumdog Millionaire and the CGI tiger was a crazy game show host. I also liked it better when the boy and the tiger were two gay cowboys. Either way, this movie won’t win simply because there weren’t enough other people in this movie to overact for the academy. And not “Indian” enough to get the white-guilt vote. 

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”


Another movie no one has ever heard of included only so the Academy still seems “legit.” But when you define legit in the same way a hipster wearing a cookie monster bib defines legit, you are no longer legit. This movie is weird, confusing, and is only nominated because people still feel bad about the whole Louisiana Hurricane Katrina thing.

“Silver Linings Playbook”


Would have liked it better if Jennifer Lawrence broke out her bow and killed all the other contestants to win the movie. Especially Bradley Cooper. He needs to go back to his modeling career, where he just stands there and looks pretty.

“Zero Dark Thirty”

zero dark thirty

If you make a fake crappy movie about a real awesome event, then you shouldn’t get to be nominated for best picture. It’s cheating. A hair-lipped monkey could have made this story into a Best Picture nominee. Speaking of which, why are we still so enthralled with Kathryn Bigelow? Aren’t we over this whole “women are just as good as men” thing yet? I thought we proved that already and can go back to letting men win at everything again like we’re supposed to.

Predicted Winner: We Are All Losers.

When Hollywood strikes out, we all lose. Wake me when they start making Godfather-calibre movies again.


The Earth is a Sassy Gay Man

gay earth

I had this sudden epiphany the other day when I saw a rainbow and realized, if you look at it upside down, a rainbow is just the earth’s gay beard. Then I had a moment of clarity when all the pieces fell into place.

The Earth is a sassy gay man. Think about it. It’s big and proud of it, it’s whole life revolves around a shiny object, it only took him seven days to look gorgeous, and he throws a fit if you make a mess or change the temperature even a little.  Even the moon is it’s little white purse dog. And if you see the earth from space – the oceans and continents mixed with moving cloud cover – it looks a lot like those elaborately decorative patterned shirts those people are always wearing. Pssh, fashion.

The evidence is all around us and I’m only just now seeing it. Take the animals, for instance. It didn’t like those big ugly dinosaurs so it replaced them with smaller, cuter, furrier animals to run around on him. That’s pretty gay. And look at the dolphin. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the smartest animal on the planet is also nature’s gayest.

This whole realization has made me reconsider the environmentalist agenda. We all know the gays are into that liberal environmental crap. How long before the Earth decides to destroy us for making him all dirty and polluted? Is a planet-sized gay fit the way the world will end?

I don’t care for the government telling me how to sort my garbage or which stream I’m allowed to dump my sewage into, but until we reach a stage where the earth no longer holds us hostage, we may have no choice.

Of course I can’t prove any of this for certain (most conspiracies can’t be proven thanks to the government and big corporations), but somewhere in the universe I’m almost positive earth’s parents are trying to be supportive of Earth’s lifestyle but are having a hard time.

But you can’t ignore the facts. The only way Earth could be gayer is if it had a ton of gold rings around it like Saturn. Even though we all know Saturn isn’t gay. He’s an immigrant.

Now back to my anti-apocalypse shelter. Dec 21 is quickly approaching.

Earth's Gay Beard

Earth’s Gay Beard


I’m Disappointed In All The Hot Girls Who Wore Clever Costumes This Year

What is going on?! Hot girls are supposed to dress slutty on Halloween, not wear clever, thought-out DIY costumes! What’s the deal?

I look forward to Halloween every year. It’s a grand tradition that allows straight guys to dress in drag, tolerant people to wear blackface, and classy girls to whore it up. What’s that, you’re a cat? Oh sorry, I wasn’t looking at your cat ears…

But this year, instead of watching a parade of slutty girls dressed in next to nothing pretending they’re only slutty on Halloween and not all the other days of the year, I saw way too many girls in “clever” or “ironic” costumes that weren’t sexy at all. And I’m pissed. Here are a few examples:

Some girls make me wish I had eight hands. This is not one of those girls.

Bacon and eggs? I’m looking for eye candy, not a Hot or Not reject and a dog that looks like it’s having a stroke.

Gum-underneath-a-shoe? Talk to me when you’re sexy gum-under-shoe.

Pinterest, really? That’s your costume? She’s probably a lesbian.

These Scooby Doo girls are trying to solve the mystery of their missing hotness. They may never solve it.

Go Go Gadget ugly!

I’d rather not do it.

Pixelated girl, how am I supposed to ogle you when you’re at a worse resolution than the pixelated strippers from the 90s Duke Nuken?

This was great until I realized she was dressing up like Lindsay Bluth and Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. Thanks for ruining the show for me.

Oh mighty Zoltar, can you please tell me where I can find a girl with a self worth based on getting attention from men and who has had one too many shots?

I can tell she used to be hot before she had that baby. And that costume isn’t doing you any favors.

Ah! Baby-hungry chick who says I’m the father! Now THIS is a scary Halloween costume.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a fantasy involving Flo from those Progressive commercials rolling around in a whole lot of insurance forms. But this costume ruined that fantasy forever.

Close, but to quote my favorite Star Wars porno, “These are not the boobs you’re looking for.”

See what I mean?! There were virtually no hot, slutty girls all night. No skanks, hoes, tramps, street walkers, call girls, coffee grinders, bed bunnies, village bicycles, lease-pieces, notch-broads, go daddies, overnight bags, pavement princesses, sailor bait, hobgoblins, red-light tumblers, grassbacks, walk ups, yes-girls, doorbells, flag-pole saluters, little bo peeps, woody harrelsons, bologna ponies, blade runners, carrot chasers, chicken farmers, wiggle wenches, gooser loosers, cyclopes slayers, queen kongs, knocker lockers, banana boaters, lady tramps, lobster pots, dart boards, tax returns, mutton choppers, dragon flagons, early birds, pencil pushers, cross stitchers, harry potters, leaky pipes, post-it notes, pied pipers, ting tongs, tickle me elmos, or nether ninjas. Not a single one.

So here’s to hoping this clever costume thing is just a fad and we can all go back to the grand old Halloween tradition of treating girls like our own personal pleasure parade. Anything else is just plain wrong.


Sir Ryan’s Reign of Terror Continues

Sir Ryan, our new Mayor and former leader of the town’s Medieval club, is at again, this time with even more “improvements.” Here’s the latest in his renaissance upgrades:

  • Putting out fires through prayer and solemn latin hymns.

    Has replaced 90% of city streetlights with torch lights, laying off a large portion of city utility workers in the process.

  • Lowered speed limit to 10 mph to match the max acceptable speed by “beast of burden.”
  • Replaced city bus service with carts pulled by “serfs.”
  • Police guns have been replaced with swords, and the fire department is now a convent of Gregorian monks.

In a curious move, Mayor Sir Ryan has also pardoned and released the famous “Sarcastic Thief,” the robber who managed to rob a local convenience store armed only with sarcasm earlier this year. It appears the sarcastic thief is now employed by Mayor Sir Ryan as his staff press secretary. In a press conference held this morning, he said:

“Some of you have complained that Sir Ryan’s newest laws are crazy. Let me tell you that we are sooOOooOOoo concerned about that, since you all are TOTALLY the smartest people on the planet. Sure, we’ll get right on fixing that right away, don’t you worry. Oh, and Ted, great article about Byron High School’s latest tutoring program. REALLY exciting stuff. Bravo,” saying the last phrase while clapping loudly and slowly with an un-amused facial expression.

I believe Sir Ryan has gone to far. Someone should do something. Stay tuned as the unrest continues.


Decorating for Halloween in less than 27.5 Hours!

Hi everyone, I’m a busy mom balancing family and work, and if you’re like me, you don’t always have the time to decorate for each and every holiday. But I have some tips that can help you create an absolutely perfect family-friendly Halloween home in only 27.5 hours! That’s right, perfect Halloween memories and only miss one night of sleep! So put some coffee on and get ready for an easy yet unforgettable experience that your entire neighborhood will envy. They will. They have to.

Patio décor- only 5 hours 13 minutes, 8 energy shots, and 2 Vicodin

Spooky Dining Room

To create this spook-tacular experience, paint over your labor day colors using the Pumpkin Orange paint hue from Home Depot. While one of your seven coats is drying, get started on the fluffy paper décor. Simply take 3,782 layers of black and grey tissue paper (per fluff) with a couple of layer each segment eight to twelve sheets thick, drink 16 more ounces of coffee, hand fold them to the ruffle consistency desired, use an iron to set the folds, take a couple Fentanyl with three Red Bulls, fluff with a common household blow dryer, spray with your diluted scented paste-water solution, place in clothes dryer on medium heat for  3 minutes, immediately place in freezer, pluck out 14 strands of your own hair, then create the next layer of fluff. Repeat 37 times, bundle together, hang with fishing line, and viola! Hand-made Halloween décor in no time! You’ll have to do several at once while you paint the dinning room. Sip coffee throughout. Take a few more Fentanyl as needed. Discard human hair.

Spooky Dinning Room – 11 hours 49 minutes, 4 pots of coffee, and approx 4 Fentanyl

Home-made Halloween Spirits

This fun little refreshment is a favorite when we host our yearly Halloween Ball for the adults in our neighborhood. To make Spirits, ferment a healthy amount of dextrose/glucose, then Using a 30L air-tight fermenter barrel simply add water sugars and Turbo yeast to make 25L of alcohol base “wash.” After four cappuccinos and an OxyContin to control the “shakes,” use a still to distill and purify your base and separate the water and alcohol, then collect the alcohol vapor and cool it back down to collect high strength distillate at 40% spirit. Run your spirit through a gravity fed “carbon filter” to remove excess impurities, add water and the flavor of your choice, then just siphon it, bottle it in your own decorative bottles, add some fun labels, and let it age until your next big Halloween event!

Halloween Spirits- only 7 working hours and 37 minutes, more with periodic crying breaks.

Live Halloween Decoration

This one is simple and a favorite with our kids. Go to your local pet store and adopt a black cat. Give him a lot of “kitty-safe” sedatives so he stays purring and in place on your arrangement of organically grown pumpkins. Add a festive Halloween collar and maybe paint the claws orange, and that’s it! Don’t worry if you’re not ready to have a full-time pet. You can give him back after Halloween is over. Take some Claritin from your allergy medication storage, and give some to your kids should they have pet allergies.

Live Halloween Decoration- 1 hour 3 minutes, 13 Claritin, 5 Sudafed, mix with a bottle of the Spirits you just made

Hand-embroidered Terror Towels

Do this to add a “horrifying touch” to your bathroom. Buy common white hand towels from your local Bed, Bath and Beyond, and using black or blue thread, hand stitch “Bates Motel” on each towel. Take seven Adderall to help you focus on the details and speed up your embroidery rate, put a pencil in your mouth to protect your teeth from uncontrollable grinding and chattering.

Terror Towels – 2 hours 56 minutes, 7 Adderall, a #2 pencil or chunk of wood

Elegant Pumpkin Carving

Tired of the same boring pumpkin carving? Create an original hand-sketched drawing using skills learned from the adult education art night classes from the community college, create a transparency of your drawing, project that transparency onto the pumpkin using a mini light projector, cry on the sofa for seven minutes, trace the drawing on your pumpkin using a thin-tipped marker, take twelve Codeine, scream at yourself in the mirror for 30 full seconds, carefully begin carving following the trace with a set of tiny stainless steel, reinforced pumpkin knives, and when finished, insert self-rotating candle motor to create a spooky revolving lights effect inside. Oh how neat!

Expert Tip: If you find your eye is twitching and red, it’s likely because you’re not blinking, so remember to take frequent “blink” breaks.

Pumpkin Carving- 4 hours 5 minutes, 12 Codeine, screaming at yourself in the mirror optional. Remember to take “blink” breaks.

Hope these tips help! I typed this in fourteen minutes, which is four minutes longer than I budgeted in my day schedule, so I have to stop short and get back to the vegan organic Halloween cookies I have baking in our Mason Jar Window cooker. Happy Halloween! Seriously, it’s going to be sooooo happy. Happpy haaaappy hapepreoy haapppppppyyyyyyyyyyy…


Celtic Club Twill NOT Accept New Laws by Sir Ryan

Thrust from my people like a bastard child, sent to cower in the woods like a mongrel, and plotting like an exiled queen, I send this message through a true Sister of the Order who will upload this text from a remote location where the IPS address won’t be recognized by the central server.

We will not be oppressed by the Mayor tyrant Sir Ryan.

Sir Ryan thinks he has won.  Ha!  I have been privy to his tyranny and have reason to suspect he sits on the council’s throne through treachery!  The Goddess will not support one who achieved their rule unrightly.  I send out a war-call to my friends who I once did party and role-play with in the medieval club.  Come join us in the Celtic Club where the leadership is not tainted by corruption, and the mead is brewed stronger than the weak purple stuff Sir Ryan serves.  Also, since my sisters all agreed to continue our sacred circle away from the foul influence of the monster Sir Ryan and his wretched dogs, we are now the only club of outcasts, lepers, and the socially awkward with any women in it.  For some in the medieval club, this was their only hope of engaging women in a form of dialogue outside of tutoring sessions…so they must join us! (Our men to women ratio is currently 1:3 … I twill let that sink in, unbetrothed gentlemen…)

Come stand with us as druids and hunters!  We will subvert the awful rule of Sir Ryan.  For those who are willing, we will meet under the great willow when the moon wanes dark to hide us from unfriendly eyes.  But if you can’t see and get scared, my porch light will still be on.

I await you.

The Lady Cerridwen


Who Will Be the Next Mayor of Byron City? (Part 2)

Last week we posted a list of potential candidates to fill in as a short-term mayor until actual elections in 2014.  Unfortunately, several candidates were left off the list…all of them female.  This has led to rumors of sabotage and gender-discrimination that we are putting to rest by posting the additional candidates here.

Willow VanWess
Willow teaches creative writing at Byron High School.  She is already active in the community and has shown her skills with public organization by getting a few members of the town to participate in Occupy Byron City.

She uses better grammar than most of the other candidates.  She will also be able to inform the rest of the city council when it’s appropriate to use apostrophes, which will help in clarifying a lot of the councils proposal’s.

It is rumored she will try to replace all school cafeterias with organic gardens to teach students how to produce, harvest, and cook their own food.  Animals will only be used to fertilize the garden, denying them their God-given right to be delicious.

Michelle Stevens
Michelle is the head chef at Le Tableau; Byron City’s only two-and-a-half star restaurant.  She has three children and considers being an “awesome mom” her most important contribution to the town.

She’s learned how to balance career and family while still looking great and winning Byron City’s annual “Most Coveted Lawn” award.  If made mayor, you can bet she’ll make this town look better than a Norman Rockwell painting.

Some are skeptical as to her abilities to run a family, a restaurant, and a town.  Stevens claims that she’s perfectly capable.  Each new responsibility just adds another shot in her morning cappuccino, lunchtime latte, afternoon coffee break and red-bull vodka (only on the weekend).

Lady Cerridwen
Lady Cerridwen is a former member of Byron City’s Medieval Club, but has now gone rogue.  She claims she left due to “…the tyrannical rule of Sir Ryan, who violently quelled opposition through means most base, and forbade the Order of the Goddess from having a voice in the Club’s councils.  I say to you, Sir Ryan… Pog Mahon!”

Lady Cerridwen has been known to speak modern English when it is appropriate and could act as a translator for members of the Medieval Club.  She has also promised to eliminate any future threats of giant bats with appeals to Cernunnos, though no one is familiar with that extermination company.

She would institute Gaelic holidays and celebrations even though most of the town is not Irish.  She has also threatened to cast spells on those who oppose her, and witchcraft has not been approved by the city council.

Laurel Sandberg-Armstrong
Laurel is a recent addition-and currently the only female-on Byron’s City Council.  She and her husband moved to Byron City only ten years ago, have a new baby, and are hoping to start a theater company.  Though currently the only stage is in Byron High School’s gym, she is sure the citizens wouldn’t mind a “fun tax” to pay for a new, state-of-the-art theater.

She relates well to the women of the town who admire her ability to create big hair without a Bumpit.  She also used to be a professional performer who has toured nationally and apparently had a job singing 50’s music at an American-themed diner in Japan.  She will be a breath of fresh air for the small town of Byron.

Theater people are weird.

Stephanie Banks-Dickson
Stephanie is the owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming and has also helped with community involvement by organizing Byron City’s first talent show and dog show in the last year.  She says getting involved in the race was a no-brainer once her BFF (and fellow running-mate) Dr. Evan Fredrick told her he would drop-out if she ran so he could be her personal assistant and pick her wardrobe.

She is a local business owner and entrepreneur, and is very well known to many of Byron City’s dog-owners…at least the well-groomed ones.   She says her experience in pageants will help her be an effective leader, “…because I gained confidence, knowledge about myself, and learned that when you look awesome, people care about what you say.”

It is worried that she may enact “grooming laws” for dogs, under the pretense of increasing public health and cuteness, but it would also conveniently funnel more business into Faux Paws.


The council is set to make a decision by the end of the week. But not all response to this women’s movement has been positive. An anonymous email was sent to the Byron Gazette decrying the consideration of females to the mayorship.

“I will front this injudicious post!  They are all vain, flap-mouthed strumpets!  They must give subscription to their masters!  Perpend on your wifely duties fair fiends, else hie thee to a nunnery!”

Regardless, the Council has confirmed they are considering females, too, and hopefully make the historic decision to appoint Byron City’s first ever female Mayor.