I’ve been on a few dating sites recently, and they are AWESOME! I used to be like you. I thought, “Online dating? Are you serious? That’s for losers, fatties, and people who own computers.” And we all know that only geeks own computers.
But one day while I was on tour performing at the Bikini Bar in Jefferson Town, I got bored, went to the internet café next door, and tried it out. Now I’m hooked. Now I can have girlfriends all over the country without the trouble of actually driving or flying anywhere.
But in order for it to work, I’ve discovered you’ve got to have the right profile picture. You could send out a hundred messages saying “Hey, ‘sup?” or something else clever like that and get completely ignored if your picture doesn’t catch her attention. In some cases, the wrong pic can even get your profile deleted.
So here are some tips on picking the best dating profile pic to help maximize your honey pot.
Guys Guide to taking the best dating profile picture
Wear a shirt, don’t go topless.
First off, dude, I know your first thought is, “I love it when ladies post pics with their shirts off, so I’ll just post a picture with my shirt off and let the ladies come to ME.” It makes total sense, but for some reason it doesn’t work. Keep your shirt on. Try flexing if you’re worried she won’t see how buff you are, but don’t make it look like you’re flexing. That’s trying too hard. Girls don’t want you to try hard.
Don’t post a party pic
Party pics are bad, too. Even though you like the pic because it was the greatest night of your life that you can’t remember, it makes you look like a party animal. Girls would rather you stayed in to cuddle and watch Breaking Amish with them on TV, not party. So stay away from the party image.
Pose with an animal
You want to do something that will melt her soft, overly-emotional female heart, so pose with a dog or other respectable manimal. No cats, birds, or gerbils. No snakes, either, that’s creepy. And always do it in moderation. One dog = caring gentleman. Half-dozen dogs = psycho person.
Pose Playing a Guitar
My go-to guaranteed-to-score pic is me playing the guitar. Girls can’t resist a man with a guitar, it’s a proven fact. It’s in their genes or something. Even if you don’t play, take a picture of you posing with a guitar. The beauty of online dating is that you can lie and she can’t call you out on it.
Show You’re a Take Charge Kinda Guy
If you’re the “I have a job” type, take a pic of yourself giving a lecture or speech, in a suit talking on your cell phone doing “business” things, or pointing in any direction while people look at what you’re pointing at. Girls like power and confidence.
Look Off Into the Distance
Look away from the camera as if you’re deep in thought, Obama style. Another option is to look down as though you’ve been hurt by someone but don’t want to show it. That’s the “wounded” look that girls love.
Location, Location, Location
A picture in a museum makes you look smart. One in an art gallery makes you look sophisticated. But be careful. A picture at a political rally makes it look like you take charge, but also makes you look like an opinionated a-hole who will talk for 30min about insurance reform or something gay like that.
The Right City
A picture in the right city can get you some instant inbox action. If the cities of the world were dudes, the dudes getting all the ladies would be Paris and New York. San Fran would be her Gay Best Friend, and Seattle would be her best guy friend who would do anything for her but she’ll never see you as anything more than a friend. So try to get pics in NY or Paris if you can.
But the coup de grace is a pic in a third world country helping poor African or middle eastern children. It makes you look adventurous, caring, motivated, socially conscious, and selfless yet tough, daring, and manly all at the same time. I had a friend Photoshop me into one and it has been paying off in spades.
Pose with Other People
Ditch your ugly friends. Pose with a group of good-looking people. Photo bomb a bunch of models if you have to. It’s a scientific fact that surrounding yourself with attractive people makes you look more attractive. Just make sure you don’t pose with people who are WAY more attractive than you, or your ugliness will stand out and it will backfire. Example, if you’re a 6 on the scale, pose with your 8- or 9-level friends. If you’re a 2, pose with average looking friends. You’ll look less hideous.
The rules don’t apply when posing with girls, though. The hotter the group of girls you pose with, the better, even if you’re super ugly. Just make sure it’s more than one girl, or an interested chick might mistake her for your girlfriend. And you don’t want your girlfriend getting in the way of your online dating fun.
Do Something Active
You don’t even want to know how much action this guy scored with this single picture.
And that’s it! Good luck, guys. Remember, online dating might seem geeky, but it’s the fastest and easiest way to lie your way into the bedroom of the picture of that girl you want to sleep with. Like shooting fish in a barrel of Jello.