About geraldschwarzenegger

No, I'm not related to Arnold Schwarzenegger, so quit asking. I've lived in Byron City my whole life. It sucks. I'm a media critic in my spare time. And I'm always right. In my non-spare time, I work at Best Buy in their Geek Squad. Here's the solution to all computer problems: you're retarded.

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Mis Won Best Picture

best picture 2013 nomineesI’m sitting here writing this article Sunday morning and setting it to post Monday morning because I don’t want to stay up late to write it after all the Hollywood bigwigs have finally stopped talking about how great they are and licking each other’s feet-holes. I’ve written a broad article that covers all three of the top contenders for the 2013 Academy Award for best picture. Just circle the one that actually won and you won’t know the difference.

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable Won Best Picture

danile day lewis oscars

Inside, I hate all of you.

Wow, I can’t believe (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) won best picture! I was happy to see (how excited Ben Affleck looked/how outwardly pleased yet inwardly loathing of everyone around him Daniel Day-Lewis was/ how Anne Hathaway literally laugh-cried into a blubbery mess of mascara and short hair before any winner was actually announced). They certainly deserved their moment in the spotlight. Now I can stop (wondering/hoping/getting annoyed every time someone says the title with a horrible French accent) and move on to congratulate the uncontested winner.

The academy must have (had a hard time choosing/second guessed their decision/thought it would be hilarious) to give this particular film the win, but in the end, I guess they really wanted (a really exciting yet brilliant film to win/a picture with historical gravitas to win/to get “One Day More” stuck in everyone’s head for a few more weeks). I guess it just goes to show that a movie with a lot of (heart/brilliant acting/actors who can’t sing) is still the best formula for making classic cinema.

hugh-jackman-gay

It shall be my greatest performance, be-yotch.

At first I was shocked when they announced (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) was the winner, but the more I think about it, the less surprised I am. First of all, (Alan Arkin’s/Daniel Day-Lewis’s/Hugh Jackman’s) stunning portrayal as (a slimy Hollywood insider turned CIA agent/an iconic leader at America’s most difficult crossroad/a gay Hollywood heart-throb pretending to be a straight actor) was nothing short of brilliant.

Second, the (writing/production design/volume of terrifyingly disgusting prostitutes) was at a level not often seen in movies these days. And third, it must have taken years for (John Goodman/Sally Field/Helena Bonham Carter) to perfect that (sly sense of surly confidence/ability to channel one of history’s most famous first ladies/ creepy-looking eyeball face thing she does).

Helena-Bonham-Carter

Yup, that’s the look.

My hat goes off to the director, who no doubt (has done his greatest work to date/must have spent years studying and immersing himself in the time period/just ripped everything off of the Broadway production). And that scene where (the American’s get stopped at the airport/ the Amendment is being voted on in the House/Amanda Seyfried and Eddie Redmayne attempt to sing at each other) was a complete nail biter! I almost couldn’t watch!

Of course, no movie is perfect, and this year’s winner is no exception. It could have done better with (character development/historical inaccuracies/trying too hard to make me cry) but overall it was a truly brilliant performance worthy of (your movie collection/the history books/Kathryn Bigelow’s disdain). No doubt all the fans of this film are currently (happy Ben Affleck finally got the praise he deserves/discussing the film’s message for our modern age/sacrificing a virgin on the altar of Victor Hugo).

So here’s to this year’s winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture! Hopefully your success will inspire many more movies with (intelligent intrigue/timeless importance/Russell Crowe’s beard) in the years to come.

Now will everyone stop bring up Dare Devil already?

Thank you. Now can we just forget about Daredevil from now on please?

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And the Winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture is…!

The Academy Awards, aka the Oscars, aka the worst award show on the planet, will take place on February 24th. They have already announced the nominees, with the Best Picture category garnering the most attention and stealing the glory away from other awards such as Best Cinematography and Best Sound Mixing and Best Person to Hold a Boom Mic Over An Actor’s Head.

So which Best Picture nominee will take home the top prize? Which obviously gay star will choose this moment to come out of the closet that he or she wasn’t exactly hiding in to begin with? Will the host this year suck or will they dig Billy Crystal out of his tomb again?

Here are the nominees, along with my prediction of the winner.

“Django Unchained”

django-unchained-jamie-foxx

Another Tarantino film with a ton of violence and a misspelled title. I don’t know how Tarantino managed to get any filming done when he was constantly whipping blood off of the camera lens I’ll never know. Seriously, this guy loves splattering blood so much I’m surprised he hasn’t been locked away as a serial killer yet. And stop acting in all your own movies. It was cute when Hitchcock did it because he was old and didn’t say anything. You actually try to act. Stick to what you do best: fantasize about killing hundreds of people all day and then writing a screenplay about it. Sicko.

“Les Misérables”

Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean Les Misérables

Note to everyone: stop trying to pronounce the name of this film correctly, you sound like you’re dry heaving. Which is exactly what I was doing for real during the entire length of this 3-hour debacle. At least the title, translated to “The Miserables” is accurate. I can’t think of a more miserable movie full of miserable actors who all called in sick for their voice lessons. I liked it better when it was a play, and even better when it was a giant novel I would never read.

“Amour”

Amour film

Showing that the Academy still gets all-gooey for all things French and cripplingly depressing. I’d rather visit my grandmother in an old folks home built inside of a renovated concentration camp. That experience would be a LOT less depressing.

“Argo”

ARGO

This whole movie was just an excuse for Ben Affleck to wear crazy 70s suits to work everyday and do what he does best: pretend to be a real life filmmaker. Time to call it quits, Ben. Even after an Oscar-nominated movie, Matt Damon STILL won’t return your phone calls. And your wife has weird toes.

“Lincoln”

Abraham-Lincoln-Vampire-Hunter-Night-550x814_4

I loved this movie. The whole story of Abraham Lincoln trying to end the civil war, outlaw slavery, and kill vampires by night was truly compelling. Wait, that’s not the one that’s nominated? The boring one without vampire killing was nominated? That 2.5-hour waste of my life where Lincoln struggles to accomplish something we already know he’ll accomplish in the first place? The movie that not only has no vampire battles but skipped the part where Lincoln gets his head blown off? The only good part of that movie was watching James Spader freak out when Lincoln walks into the room unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, the academy can choke on their own elbow patches.

“Life of Pi”

life-of-pi

I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called Slumdog Millionaire and the CGI tiger was a crazy game show host. I also liked it better when the boy and the tiger were two gay cowboys. Either way, this movie won’t win simply because there weren’t enough other people in this movie to overact for the academy. And not “Indian” enough to get the white-guilt vote. 

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”

beasts-of-the-southern-wild-2jpg-a41fc72827b8ef87

Another movie no one has ever heard of included only so the Academy still seems “legit.” But when you define legit in the same way a hipster wearing a cookie monster bib defines legit, you are no longer legit. This movie is weird, confusing, and is only nominated because people still feel bad about the whole Louisiana Hurricane Katrina thing.

“Silver Linings Playbook”

silver-linings-playbook

Would have liked it better if Jennifer Lawrence broke out her bow and killed all the other contestants to win the movie. Especially Bradley Cooper. He needs to go back to his modeling career, where he just stands there and looks pretty.

“Zero Dark Thirty”

zero dark thirty

If you make a fake crappy movie about a real awesome event, then you shouldn’t get to be nominated for best picture. It’s cheating. A hair-lipped monkey could have made this story into a Best Picture nominee. Speaking of which, why are we still so enthralled with Kathryn Bigelow? Aren’t we over this whole “women are just as good as men” thing yet? I thought we proved that already and can go back to letting men win at everything again like we’re supposed to.

Predicted Winner: We Are All Losers.

When Hollywood strikes out, we all lose. Wake me when they start making Godfather-calibre movies again.

Avengers Movie Review: No one can avenge this atomic bomb

*Contains spoilers. Not that you can spoil an already terrible movie.

I watched Avengers this weekend. Why didn’t I see this “blockbuster” opening weekend? As fun as standing in line to watch a movie with a bunch of grown men in spandex Captain Virginity costumes that they haven’t washed since Comic Con Atlanta, I had better things to do, and preferred to see this train wreck when the nerds and losers had crawled back into their mothers’ basements to play Zombie Board games with their imaginary girlfriend (who they perpetually imagine dressed in the Princess Leia slave costume and is fascinated with their knowledge of 14th century weaponry blacksmithing).

So I finally went this weekend to watch Joss Whedon play with his action figures, and of course, it was horrendous. It made me wish Jeremy Renner had been blown up in The Hurt Locker and Scarlett Johansson had been trampled by that horse in The Horse Whisperer. At the very least, someone needs to pay the New Orleans Saints to go and beat the crap out of every member of the product staff.

Why so harsh? First of all, I’m never too harsh (just see my Hunger Games review). Second, is there anything in this movie besides Mark Ruffalo’s chest hair that WASN’T CGI? Did they even need the actor’s on set, or did they just film Robert Downy Jr. in his living room for a week and computer generate a movie around it? If I wanted to watch something that was 90% fake, I’d watch C-SPAN. With all that CGI you’d think they’d be able to construct a compelling story. But I guess there isn’t a “Make Relevant and Interesting” tool on Photoshop yet.

Third, for an action movie, it moves about as fast as Stephen Hawking pushed into a swimming pool. I’ve seriously had bowel movements that move faster and smell better than this movie. The main bad guy spends the first 20% of the movie getting his butt kicked, the next 70% of the movie sitting in jail, and the last 10% of the movie commanding an army of Lord of the Rings Orc rejects and giant worms stolen from the movie Tremors. Wake me when Natalie Portman makes her cameo. So that I can boo her.

Fourth, it’s littered with stupid plot points:

  • How is Captain America still alive in 2012? He was frozen. Yea, in ice. Brilliant. Cough cough.
  • The Black Widow’s hair and makeup stays perfect no matter how many times she gets shot, punched, smashed, or spends an extended amount of time in a humid environment. And for the entire length of the movie not a single male hits on her. Is the Avengers universe populated solely by flaming homos? The answer: Thor.
  • The clothes of the Hulk shred off when he transforms, but the upper part of his pants miraculously stay in tact. Either no one wants to see a Hulk dong, or it’s a brilliant product placement by Dockers Bear Grylls collection.
  • How did Cobie Smulders get in this movie? Guess she’ll have plenty of stories to tell on the set of How I Met Your Monstrously Bad Career.
  • If black people naturally liked nerdy SciFi and comic book movies, Samuel L. Jackson would be out of work.
  • The Avengers defeat the bad guys by dropping a really big bomb on them. I couldn’t find a better symbolic end to this movie than that.

But being a bad movie isn’t exactly a crime (unless that movie happens to be Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, in which case everyone involved in the making of that movie should be locked up forever sharing a cell with the big hairy sweaty gay man from Prison Break). But the unpardonable crime of this movie was the ruining of the seven classic characters it portrays.

In this version of the Avengers, the main bad guy, Loki, is a dung beetle, who plays dead and emits a foul odour when threatened. But the movie execs didn’t stop there when turning the movie’s main villain into the kind of unfunny joke that would make Adam Sandler drool. They gave Loki an instant-kill brain-washing magical staff and hardly let him use it. Odd. It’s like when the Power Rangers would fight a villain for 20 minutes, almost fail, then change into a giant robot at the last minute and win instantly. Why don’t you just change into your giant robot from the get-go, idiots! If Loki had just used his impotent staff of death to wail on people non-stop from the very beginning, the movie would have been over in only 15 merciful minutes and I would have got 5 and a half hours of my life back.

Compared to the powers of all the other characters, Captain America is the lamest. His super power is that he is bossier and louder than all the other Avengers, which apparently makes him the leader. At least that much is true to reality. Where was that power to boss others around during other dangerous situations, like when his agent convinced him to do Not Another Teen Movie? At least he didn’t have to say embarrassing and predictable lines like “Hulk Smash,” right? Oh, wait. That happened. And it was supposed to be clever. Some movie exec somewhere is smiling to himself on the toilet over the inclusion of that little gem.

And how did Robert Downy Jr. focus on playing Iron Man when he was getting paid a gazillion dollars more than every single one of his co-actors combined? He must have been getting hot sauce in his underwear every day. Oh, and there’s about as much sexual attraction between Tony Stark and Pepper Potts as Elton John at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show.

It’s sad that I was the only one in the theatre who cheered when Loki stabbed Phil. Mostly because I thought the movie was over and I could go home. Nope. Only three more hours to go after that.

I could go on and on about the horrors of this movie, but I won’t, because you’re more than likely still recovering from the hours of crap this movie made you endure in the darkness of a crowded, overpriced movie theatre. Just take this as a warning, if you haven’t seen The Avengers, don’t feed the hideous beast known as the Summer Blockbuster. If you have seen it, and hated it I feel your pain. If you saw it and liked it, may God have mercy on your brain.

By the way, someone should check on Stan Lee to make sure he hasn’t committed seppuku.

Score for the Avengers: F – –

Nice job, idiots.

The Hunger Games? More like the Boring Games- A candid review of The Hunger Games Movie

Gerald here, with another insightful review where I point out all the flaws of a movie you love that you were too dumb to notice on your own. Today’s review is for the “hit” movie, The Hunger Games. Or as I like to call it, the Boring Games.

I never thought a movie about a bunch of whiney, hormonal kids locked into a dangerous arena and forced to kill each other down to the last man would be boring. But it happened to be just that.

May the pen knife be ever stabbing my own eyes out.

Most movies based on books aren’t as good as the book it’s based on, which means this movie never had a chance since the book was also terrible. It accomplishes the impossible task of making me yearn for the days of Nazi Germany just so that I can have the privilege of throwing my copy of this book into a flaming pile of discarded literature.

But back to the movie. First of all, Katniss has about as much emotion in her performance as my mother does when describing her bunions. She screams for her sister at the beginning of the movie, sure, but then decides the rest of the movie that she’s just ok with everything as-is. My mentor is Woody Harrelson in a bad wig? Sure! Everyone in the capital looks like they are part of a Lady Gaga look-alike contest in hell? Why not? Lenny Kravitz is my gay fashion designer? Absolutely! The boy who came here with me and has had a secret crush on me his entire life knows how to paint himself to blend in completely with the trees and rocks around him? Not creepy at all!

And that leads me to my critique of the other lead character: Peeta. He’s supposed to be the hero to Katniss’s heroin, but he’s shorter than Katniss and always looks like he just accidentally saw your mom in the shower and feels guilty about it. “But Gerald,” you scream at me like a gerbil with its nuts caught in an exercise wheel. “Tom Cruise is also short and he has had a very successful career as a hero!” True, but Tom Cruise also sucks major, major balls and eats baby placenta.

But let’s return to the main point of my review. There are 23 deaths in this movie, 1 near death, 2 almost-suicides, and a guy with a meticulously groomed flame-beard that would make the Backstreet Boys jealous, yet my pulse beats faster at the Laundromat than at this movie. First, more than half of the movie is spent on the Capital picking the tributes, transporting the tributes, training the tributes, the tributes sitting on a rooftop talking about their feelings, and Jack Bauer’s Dad clipping roses without asking the director why he looks more like Santa Clause than an evil dictator. That leaves only about 15 minutes for actual hunger-gaming.

Second, when the Hunger Games finally start, you don’t get to see 90% of the deaths. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure was more violent than this movie, and that’s not including the Large Marge scenes. In a movie all about teen angst gone wrong and adolescent girls finally using their periods to gain a tactical advantage in a war zone, Hollywood producers have us watching Swiss Family Robinson, telling us we can sit at the grown-ups table once we’ve learned how to make rated-R movies profitable.

You can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

Third, where was the romance? Yes, I did read the book, and yes, I do appreciate the value and depth that a good romance brings to a movie. That being said, I’d rather watch worms reproduce asexually than watch the love triangle between Katniss, Peeta, and Gale. In the book, Katniss is quickly torn between two men that she desperately kinda sorta thinks she might like. That’s at least something. In the movie, the sexual tension is so thin you could cut it with a rounded plastic spoon that hospitals give retards to eat with. Peeta seems more interested in performing in The Capital’s revival of “Hair” than he is in scoring himself some Katniss booty, Gale seems overly confident that his “brood and say nothing intelligent” approach will put him ahead, and Katniss is successfully focused on giving no one a boner. If I had to choose between “Team Peeta” and “Team Gale,” I’d choose the Charlotte Bobcats, cuz even they score more than these two lame-o’s.

The movie was so bad, that the only way it could have redeemed itself was if the role of Cato would have been played by Robert Pattinson so that I could at least realize my fantasy of watching Edward get eaten by a pack of genetically engineered mutant dogs. Sigh…looks like we’ll have to wait for the 25 year anniversary edition for that cut.

So that’s my review. Some of you Hunger-lings might be mad at me for telling it like it is. I had a similar reaction from Twi-hards when I blasted the Twilight “movies” (the word movies is in quotes for a reason). And I don’t care. I give it three thumbs down, because I’m willing to sew on an extra thumb that has been grown on the back of a lab rat just to give it an extra point of disapproval.

Save your money. And may the teen idol movies be never in your favor.

Yup, basically sums up my feelings after the movie.

Top 20 Worst Super Bowl Commercials of 2012

It’s halftime in America, and I need more nachos. The Giants beat the Patriots, aka, a bunch of rich guys who play a game for a living beat up a bunch of other rich guys doing the same thing. Let’s talk about the commercials, the only part of the game with any real entertainment value.

1
Volkswagen—2012—The Dog Strikes Back
After last year’s ad of a father lying to his Darth Vader-dressed child to make him think he has magical powers, buying the kid a one way ticket to therapy-town and life without a girlfriend, I thought they couldn’t do any worse. I was wrong.

In this ad, a fat dog loses weight so he can fit through a doggy door to chase cars. What they didn’t show you was the extended version, where the dog gets hit and killed by the same car it got into shape for in the first place. Oh, the irony. The only good things about the commercial: the Mos Eisley montage was still better than the new Star Wars Trilogy, and the fact that Sarah McLachlan wasn’t there making me feel guilty for not adopting some pathetic dog.

2
Pepsi—2012—King’s Court
I haven’t seen millions of dollars wasted this quickly since Rick Perry forgot that third thing. By far the worst commercial of the bowl, and the gayest. And not gay in the good way, like sharp dressing, snappy comeback lines, and best friends to single, defected girls. Gay in the bad way, like doggy ascots, talking like a 15-year-old girl from California, claiming to be this generation’s black people, and giving Lady Gaga a career. True story: to film this, they just went to Elton John’s house on a Wednesday afternoon and started shooting without telling anybody. Didn’t know it was a reality TV commercial, did you?

The spot’s only redeeming quality was one of Jeff Dunham’s puppets made a cameo at the end in the dungeon.

P.S. Pepsi for all = Type 2 Diabetes for all

3
Honda—2012—Matthew’s Day off
I like ferris Beullers day off. It’s one of my favorite all time movies. But when I saw the aged and not nearly as cool Matthew Broderick pretending Ferris again driving around in a glorified minivan, I put my copy of Ferris Beuller’s Day Off down the garbage Disposal while singing Amazing Grace.

His ability to convincingly portray Ferris Beuller died the moment he made Inspector Gadget and married a horse. If I wanted to watch an old guy try to relive his glory days, I’d watch my dad hit on college girls at the bar while my mother spends his alimony at Joannes on painted twigs and peacock feathers.

4
Audi—2012—Vampire Party
This ad is on the list, not because it showed a bunch of vampires getting killed by car headlights, but because the entire cast of Twilight wasn’t included. If Edward Cullen and post-vampire Bella were both vaporized, and the driver looked down to notice what’s left of Jacob’s body stuck in his axel, then this would have won the best Superbowl commercial of all time and I could die in peace.

5
Teleflora—2012—Adriana Lima
What do you do when you have lots of money and zero creativity? Pay a sexy girl who gets paid for being sexy and to be sexy with your product. Eat a turd, Teleflora.

6
GE & Budweiser—2012—Turbines
So…without electricity there wouldn’t be beer. Wow, what an astounding revelation. Not a stretch at all. You know what else is needed to make beer? Cow crap to fertilize the barley, and I didn’t see any of that in the commercial. Well, now that I think of it, I did.

7
Chevy Volt—2012—Aliens
Let me get this straight. Some guy who looks like my high school substitute gym teacher’s shoe shiner has to explain how a hybrid car works to aliens who just flew in from outer space on speed-of-light hovercrafts. I’m pretty “energy crisis” has long been left out of their alien vocabulary. Leonard Nimoy is rolling in his grave, and he’s not even dead yet.

8
Budweiser Canada—2012—Flash Fans.
If I see another corporation leverage the coolness that once WAS flash mobs, I will light myself on fire. The fact that they tried to make it touching made it ten times worse. You know what I would be thinking if I was one of these recreational hockey players? The thrill of thousands of screaming fans and finally being a figure in the cult of personality? No, it would be a patronizing reminder of my own failures and insignificance in life, and I would go home and commit Seppuku.

9
M&M—2012—Just my shell
Mars Marketing Department: “New M&M character, huh? And you say it’s a girl? Well, the Green one is the sexy, flirty girl personality, so that only means that the new M&M has to be smart and bitchy, the only other girl personality that exists.” Nice and sexy, or smart and bitchy. Little girls, which one do YOU want to be? Feminists, you may now start your hate mail campaign to Mars…now.

P.S. I’d rather see Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction than naked M&Ms.

10
Old Navy—2012—Corporado Dress Like a Man 
Wait, isn’t the guy Old Navy is making fun of in this commercial actually wearing Old Navy Clothes? I’m confused…

11
Doritos—2012—Sling baby.
Thanks for reminding me that I hate kids. And old people. And Doritos.

12
Kia Optima—2012—A Dream Car for Real Life.
Knowing that the sandman is a tiny old man who looks like the sex offender at the end of my block will make it a lot easier for me to sleep at night. At least I got to see Adriana Lima half-naked one more time.

13
FIAT 500 Abarth—2012—Seduction
I’ll think about driving your European slut car as soon as you change the name to something that doesn’t sound like an inbred Tennessee redneck. Time to fire your Naming Department, FIAT.

14
Coke—2012—Argh!, and Superstition
I wish the polar ice caps would melt already so polar bears would become extinct and coke would stop making these commercials. For the good of humanity, I’m only going to show one of them:

15
Dannon Oikos—2012—The Tease
Although it has always been my fantasy to headbutt Uncle Jesse, the ad still sucks because he got up after.

16
Bridgestone—2012—Performance Basketball
This ad sucked simply for the fact that Steve Nash didn’t punch Tim Duncan right in the face.

17
Budweiser—2012—Return of the King
Thought this was going to be a cool and clever callback to Lord of the Rings. Instead, they decided to spend 10 million showing that people were happy when prohibition ended. Groundbreaking.

18
Sketchers—2012—GO RUN Mr. Quiggly.
Who would be so cruel as to make a bulldog dress in clothes and sneakers and pump him full of performance enhancing drugs just to make him run against a bunch of greyhounds? Mark Cuban’s cameo at the end gave me my answer. Now we know how Dirk Nowitzki was invented.

19
Doritos—2012—Man’s Best Friend
Cat goes missing, owner finds out dog killed cat, dog buys owner’s silence with fattening, over-processed corn chips. Man accepts bribe. Man has no soul. Man’s wife is most certainly cheating on him.

20
Chevy Silverado—2012—2012.
If the only way to survive the apocalypse is by driving a Chevy, I’ll go ahead and die a horrible, horrible death, thank you.

So there it is. Now you’ll feel more intelligent discussing the Superbowl commercials with your co-workers around the Espresso machine. Even though you’re not. Because you probably pronounce it “expresso.”

Daytime TV review from an Unemployed dude

I’m a media critic. I can usually tell how good a movie is going to be based on just the trailer. I only made one mistake: Transformers 3 Trailer was awful. The actual movie…an abomination so awful and inhumane that it is not unlike the Rwandan genocide.

Now, there are a ton of movie critics out there, but no one critiques daytime television, and since I’m currently too valuable to be employed, I’ve decided to make my hesitant debut on the Byron City blog with some daytime TV reviews.

Scrubs

This show is literally always on, and even though it’s a great, funny show, you only watch when nothing else is on. It’s made itself TOO available. Scrubs is the best friend who is in love with you but you’re not in love with him.

Scrubs is always there for you, good times and bad. Scrubs listened to you cry for five hours that night you broke up with The Office, and listened to you vent all night when your relationship with LOST got complicated. Scrubs stayed with you even when you were watching him and Family Guy at the same time. You whore.

Scrubs always came back to love and comfort you no matter how bad you treated it. But one day, they’ll take Scrubs off the air, and you’ll miss it, but it will be too late. The only one left to console you in your grief will be South Park, and let’s face it, South Park will never love you.

Deadliest Catch

Women are from Venus, men are from some crazy, god-forsaken ice moon somewhere near a black hole with giant lizard aliens that we haven’t discovered yet.

To prove my point, here’s exhibit A: Deadliest Catch. The guys on this show are so bad-A that each man sleeps on three cots: one for themselves, two for their balls. Men love watching this more than they would love watching women do the same thing in the Caribbean wearing see-through bikinis.

I, too, love this show, and am not sure why. Maybe it has the same affect on men that Sex and the City has on women. Women are drawn to Cosmos, Prada purses, Manolo Blahnik shoes, and stories about complex relationships. Men are naturally drawn to being hairy,  never having to shower, smelling like pee, and acting dangerously stupid in deadly-cold water. Who knew that working in such scrotum-shrinking conditions could be so emasculating?

Want proof? After watching an episode for the first time, I looked around and discovered that I had gotten a tattoo, killed a bear, won a bowling trophy, bought a pit bull, spent 7 years in a POW camp, and impregnated every women within a 5 mile radius. So now I have a new favorite show and a nightmarish child support bill. And I smell like pee.

Amarte es mi Pecado

You don’t have to speak Spanish to be entertained by Mexican soap operas. A show like this among English speaking people is like Baywatch was for the Philippines. It’s the universal language of, “Whoa, look at those…”

La Tormenta, another good choice. Look at his guns!

But with this show, it’s not just the busty women running around a beach in skimpy clothing. It’s also the high-intensity acting. You don’t know why Pedro is angry with Mariana, but in that one scene where he confronts her in the horse stables, you can just FEEL the hatred, jealousy, and hurt burning in their eyes. And when Pedro yells at Mariana, Mariana slaps Pedro, Pedro shakes Mariana, and then the two kiss passionately and fall on a hay stack, you’re not the least bit confused. Why? Because love is the true universal language, and they speak it like Shakespeare.

Also, hatred, jealousy, lust, revenge, and shame are also universal languages, understood clearly when Mariana’s sister Viviana spies on them through a crack in the barn, her face trembling with anger while a single tear falls from her eye. Now try and tell me that you’re NOT weeping like a little girl and willing to cut off your middle toes to see what happens next. Bring a box of Kleenex and warn your neighbors not to be alarmed when they hear you wailing. You’re not possessed by a demon. You’re possessed by love.

That’s it. Now leave me alone.

– Gerald