Join us, the Celtic Club, in overthrowing evil Mayor Sir Ryan – potluck to follow

To the undeserving and treacherous Fool Ryan-

In response to all of these “official” edicts we give you this warning:

Is minic a gheibhean beal oscailt diog dunta!

We know that by leaving this phrase un-translated, you will be forced to use modern technology (we call it Gooeglé) if you wish to know our minds, and we delight to see you so debased. But it will not stop there. We of the Celtic Club are expert in the ancient arts of war and sabotage.  We’ve studied it for the last two-and-a-half weeks.

Child’s cross-stitching of Morrigna, the Celtic war-goddess trinity

Your behavior has proven you are a tyrant, therefore we will unleash the wrath of the Morrigan, the Goddess of battle, strife, and violent Irish children upon you. Your strongholds will be raided, your cattle stolen (we count thy great supply of giant turkey legs as cattle), and we will seek the re-installment of your great enemy, Mayor Chuck, to the Mayoral throne, who even now is being prepared by our most wise council of druids and druidesses in secret. Though he said he’d only agree to speak with us if he didn’t have to wear any “funny clothes.” In our great wisdom, we agreed, knowing that it would enrage Fool Ryan even further.

Citizens, take heed!  Those who continue to align themselves with Fool Ryan will not be given the mystical secrets of our awesome handshake, nor be allowed to participate in the ancient ritual of attending underground parties that play music past 10:30 and now include an equal ratio of men and women (we have had many flock to us as of late.)  Also, Lady Caredwin makes these AWESOME homemade piggies-in-a-blanket for all our meetings.  Truly she is a goddess of both the battle and the hearth.

– Lady Cerridwen of The Celtic Club, a.k.a, the Resistance Movement

How to tell your kids you’re not voting for Obama this year

It’s a tough situation. Your kids come over from the city for the weekend before the election, decked out in Obama shirts, buttons, and rally signs, and ask if you’re ready to vote this year.  “Yes, of course I am,” you answer. They didn’t seem to notice there are no Obama signs in your front yard, that you change the subject every time they bring up how much they hate Mitt Romney, or the Book of Mormon sitting on the hall table.

How do you break it to your kids that you’re NOT voting for Obama this year?

You know what I mean, right? Sure, 2008 was great, and for a moment after you voted for Obama, you felt pretty cool. You went with the guy all the young kids were voting for, you helped elect the first black president, and your own kids thought you were the coolest parents ever. That lasted about a week. Then we went back to not being cool and they went back to ignoring us except when they want us to pay their smart phone bill again.

So being cool for a bit was fun and all, but I think I’ll go back to voting how I usually vote. I’m just not sure how to tell my kids, “I’m not really a liberal. I was just experimenting.”

So I did some brainstorming and came up with a few thoughts on how to subtlety, or not so subtlety, break it to your kids.

How to tell your kids you’re not voting for Obama this year:

  1. Tell them you’ll vote for Obama when the job market improves to the point that they can get a job and move out of your basement.
  2. Confess you never really liked using youtube and twitter to follow politics anyways.
  3. Leave a binder marked “Women” somewhere they’ll see it.
  4. Put a question mark next to your 2008 Obama “HOPE” poster and leave it somewhere they’ll see it.
  5. Mention that you’re just really excited Sarah Palin isn’t on the Republican ticket this year.
  6. Say, “Your father and I are getting a divorce.” When they start to cry, say, “Just kidding. We’re just not voting for Obama this year.” It will make not voting for Obama seem less important.
  7. Mention that, since you pay to fill up their gas twice a week, you’re not that excited to vote for a president who doesn’t like drilling.
  8. Say that even though you don’t actually believe in all the “birther” rumors, you don’t really consider Hawaii a part of the US either.
  9. Tell them Joe Biden hit on their mother.
  10. Say you’ll vote for Obama as soon as they stop “occupying wall street” and start occupying their own apartment.
  11. Tell them that it’s been long enough after George W. Bush that you don’t feel so crazy scared of republicans anymore.
  12. Tell them you’re just trying to disprove the old adage, “Once you go black…”
  13. Teach them a valuable lesson: a kiss is not a contract, and killing Bin Laden is not a vote.
  14. Now that “change has come to American,” you’re kinda ready for it to change back to the way things were when everyone had money.
  15. Tell them you’d rather be right than cool.

So there it is, I hope this helps. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few copies of “The Audacity of Hope” I want to put on eBay.

Where’s Waldo? Hiding from the Government, that’s where.

Sharing Sharing Hippos? More Like Commie Commie Hippos.

The marbles belong to the state, comrade.

I found your article funny, Willow, because my kids play a different version of Monopoly, too, where just when you’re about to win the game, the government takes 70% of your money and gives it to all the losers.

I’ve also sold over 100 copies of my own version of Clue, where players try to discover who murdered the US Constitution. The answer is Barak Obama.

You see, your games teach your kids to skip around with flower wreaths and Tambourines, spreading the myth of global warming, setting terrorists free, and killing American jobs with hugs and lesbian kisses. My games teach independence, strength, using your own brain, and how to live without big-brother government handouts. It teaches them their rights, and who to shoot when they get taken away.

Other games I’ve altered for my kids:

  • Candyland Border Patrol
  • Pin the Blame on the Donkey
  • Mad- as hell -Libs
  • Liberal Media Balderdash
  • Waterboarding and Ladders
  • Suicide Bomber Battleship
  • Back- to the gold standard -Gammon
  • Welfare State Scattergories
  • Government Surveillance Pictionary
  • Police the World Risk

I’m also working with a developer to create my own version of World of Warcraft for isolationists: America of Warcraft. We’ll see which game is better. Let the free market declare a winner.

– Bill

Who Will Be the Next Mayor of Byron City? (Part 2)

Last week we posted a list of potential candidates to fill in as a short-term mayor until actual elections in 2014.  Unfortunately, several candidates were left off the list…all of them female.  This has led to rumors of sabotage and gender-discrimination that we are putting to rest by posting the additional candidates here.

Willow VanWess
Willow teaches creative writing at Byron High School.  She is already active in the community and has shown her skills with public organization by getting a few members of the town to participate in Occupy Byron City.

Pros:
She uses better grammar than most of the other candidates.  She will also be able to inform the rest of the city council when it’s appropriate to use apostrophes, which will help in clarifying a lot of the councils proposal’s.

Cons:
It is rumored she will try to replace all school cafeterias with organic gardens to teach students how to produce, harvest, and cook their own food.  Animals will only be used to fertilize the garden, denying them their God-given right to be delicious.

Michelle Stevens
Michelle is the head chef at Le Tableau; Byron City’s only two-and-a-half star restaurant.  She has three children and considers being an “awesome mom” her most important contribution to the town.

Pros:
She’s learned how to balance career and family while still looking great and winning Byron City’s annual “Most Coveted Lawn” award.  If made mayor, you can bet she’ll make this town look better than a Norman Rockwell painting.

Cons:
Some are skeptical as to her abilities to run a family, a restaurant, and a town.  Stevens claims that she’s perfectly capable.  Each new responsibility just adds another shot in her morning cappuccino, lunchtime latte, afternoon coffee break and red-bull vodka (only on the weekend).

Lady Cerridwen
Lady Cerridwen is a former member of Byron City’s Medieval Club, but has now gone rogue.  She claims she left due to “…the tyrannical rule of Sir Ryan, who violently quelled opposition through means most base, and forbade the Order of the Goddess from having a voice in the Club’s councils.  I say to you, Sir Ryan… Pog Mahon!”

Pros:
Lady Cerridwen has been known to speak modern English when it is appropriate and could act as a translator for members of the Medieval Club.  She has also promised to eliminate any future threats of giant bats with appeals to Cernunnos, though no one is familiar with that extermination company.

Cons:
She would institute Gaelic holidays and celebrations even though most of the town is not Irish.  She has also threatened to cast spells on those who oppose her, and witchcraft has not been approved by the city council.

Laurel Sandberg-Armstrong
Laurel is a recent addition-and currently the only female-on Byron’s City Council.  She and her husband moved to Byron City only ten years ago, have a new baby, and are hoping to start a theater company.  Though currently the only stage is in Byron High School’s gym, she is sure the citizens wouldn’t mind a “fun tax” to pay for a new, state-of-the-art theater.

Pros:
She relates well to the women of the town who admire her ability to create big hair without a Bumpit.  She also used to be a professional performer who has toured nationally and apparently had a job singing 50’s music at an American-themed diner in Japan.  She will be a breath of fresh air for the small town of Byron.

Cons:
Theater people are weird.

Stephanie Banks-Dickson
Stephanie is the owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming and has also helped with community involvement by organizing Byron City’s first talent show and dog show in the last year.  She says getting involved in the race was a no-brainer once her BFF (and fellow running-mate) Dr. Evan Fredrick told her he would drop-out if she ran so he could be her personal assistant and pick her wardrobe.

Pros:
She is a local business owner and entrepreneur, and is very well known to many of Byron City’s dog-owners…at least the well-groomed ones.   She says her experience in pageants will help her be an effective leader, “…because I gained confidence, knowledge about myself, and learned that when you look awesome, people care about what you say.”

Cons:
It is worried that she may enact “grooming laws” for dogs, under the pretense of increasing public health and cuteness, but it would also conveniently funnel more business into Faux Paws.

———————————————————————————————-

The council is set to make a decision by the end of the week. But not all response to this women’s movement has been positive. An anonymous email was sent to the Byron Gazette decrying the consideration of females to the mayorship.

“I will front this injudicious post!  They are all vain, flap-mouthed strumpets!  They must give subscription to their masters!  Perpend on your wifely duties fair fiends, else hie thee to a nunnery!”

Regardless, the Council has confirmed they are considering females, too, and hopefully make the historic decision to appoint Byron City’s first ever female Mayor.

 

Why Me Being Mayor Would Melt Your Face Off Of Your Face

Hi there. I don’t need to introduce myself to you since I’m so awesome that if you don’t already know who I am by now it’s probably because you won first prize in a sucking contest.

Squirrels with machine guns? When I’m Mayor, yes.

I just wanted everyone in the town to know that I’ve rejected Sir Ryan’s proposal to be his Vice Mayor. Why you ask? First, stop asking so many questions, you sound like a freaking idiot. Second, I found out there is no such thing as Vice Mayor. Third, I’m nobody’s sidekick. So I’m running for mayor myself.

Welcome back to your computer, because I can only assume that after reading that last sentence, you got up from your computer and started break dancing and breaking your own windows for joy, or if you didn’t, it’s either because you fainted instead, or because you’re a complete and utter tool who doesn’t think me running for Mayor is the best thing that every happened in your life.

So for those of you who aren’t convinced that me being Mayor would be so cool that you’d grow extra nipples, I’ve compiled a few campaign promises that will make you wet your pants with fire urine.

Why me being Mayor would melt your face off of your face

1-    No one will ever have to pay taxes. EVER. Taxes are for pussies and terrorists.
2-    The postal service will be replaced with attack hawks.
3-    The librarians at the public library will now be hot. I’m tired of going in there and being disappointed.
4-    Dynamite will be a legal firework. So will chainsaws.
5-    River Street will literally be turned into a white water rafting river. Also part of the new public transportation system.
6-    Hate Monday’s? Me, too. So Monday is now part of the weekend. Suck it, Tuesday.
7-    The public transit system will be expanded to include skydiving.
8-    Mandatory Zombie Apocalypse training the last friday of every month.

To serve, protect, and turn your butt hairs grey.


9-    Everyone gets a free BMX bike
10-    Remember that free BMX bike I just gave you? Why don’t you use it in the fire obstacle course I’ll build? Finish the course, you save a school of orphan babies with cancer. Fail, and I dip your balls in acid (if you don’t have balls because you are a woman, and not because your balls have shriveled in my presence, then your punishment will be you’ll have to give me a booty dance…don’t bother asking what that is, I’ll let you know when the time comes).
11-    “Manscaping” will be illegal. However, this law will be waived for you if you drive a tank, have a really cool face scar, or have knives for fingers.
12-    Public disputes will be resolved on who can do the most push ups.

Time for prison, loser.

13-    The 13th floor of the Byron City hotel will be transformed into a haunted house. Stay there overnight, you get to hit on my girlfriend (spoiler alert: no one will make it more than 30 seconds without fully crapping their pants and clawing their own skin off)
14-    June 15th will become an official holiday known as Call of Duty Day.
15-    The bell tower in the middle of town will be struck by a real lightning bolt every hour on the hour.
16-    The police force will fight crime with jetpacks.
17-    
Stop signs will be changed to “Shut Up” signs, and speed bumps will be changed into speed boosters.
18-    The speed limit is now infinity. Everywhere.

And that’s just a small sample of the hundreds of ideas I have to change this city. If I showed them all to you, you’d forget how to speak a discernible language and pull your own eyes out. And that’s not what I want. Not for my city.

So when Mayor Chuck gets kicked out and you go to the polls to vote, vote Bob Van Daniels: for a future with some serious balls (yes that is my campaign slogan, so suck it).

Don’t mess with my town.

Mayor Chuck Indicted, Sir Ryan for Mayor, Sarcastic Thief Makes Judge Cry- Byron City News Digest

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther Indicted

Byron City Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther was indicted yesterday on charges of unlawfully appointing citizens to City Counsel in exchange for political favors.

Mayor Chuck

Mayor Barther allegedly gave Byron City resident Sir Ryan a place on City Counsel in exchange for removing his Byron City Medieval Club friends from the Occupy Byron City protests late last year.

That same Sir Ryan is reported to also be the one spreading evidence of the crime and his unlawful appointment.

“Hark! I thus tempted the Mayor to commit the illegal act in order to reveal the treachery and corruption that lay in the heart of our govern’ment. I did it with only the good of the city in mind,” said Sir Ryan with his right arm stretched to the sky while a friend played a recorder-flute behind him.

“There’s no evidence except for a doctored tape made by a man who’s latest contribution to City Counsel was a proposal for a subsidy on multicolored tights,” responded Mayor Chuck. “This is a power grab, plain and simple. He can expect a libel suit when this is over.”

Sir Ryan Announces Mayoral Bid

Byron City resident Sir Ryan has announced that he is running to occupy the Office of Mayor once “Mayor Chuck has been kicked out.”

Sir Ryan

Mayoral Re-election is not scheduled to happen until October of 2014, but that has not stopped Sir Ryan from accusing Mayor Chuck of corruption and abuse of power and demanding he be named the new Mayor. He has gone so far as to make very specific and lofty campaign promises to citizens.

“He promised me the City’s first ever cage-free, free-range, organic, fair-trade, wind-powered, locally farm grown coffee shop! I couldn’t be more excited!” said citizen Willow Van Wess, city Liberal.

“He promised to make me Vice Mayor. Which totally kicks major boot-ay. This town would totally stop sucking if I ran things. Let me introduce you to my cabinet: Annabelle and BoomBoom,” said Bob Van Daniels indicating his biceps.

Not all citizens were swayed by Sir Ryan’s campaign promises. “He promised me he’d build the first gay bar in Byron City. But I’m not gay, so I’m not sure why he’d promise me that,” said citizen Dr. Evan Frederick. “No, really, I’m not. Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sarcastic Thief Sentenced, Makes Judge Cry

The thief accused of holding up a gas station with nothing but sarcasm was sentenced to 2 years in prison today. It sentence was originally set for five years but was reduced when lawyers pointed out that the thief used no deadly force or threat, and even more so after the suspect belittled the judge to the point of tears.

“Oh wow, look at your robs, you look sooOOooOOoo regal and intimidating. I’m totally standing out of respect, and not because I’m being forced to,” the thief said upon rising when the judge first entered the courtroom.

The thief spent the rest of the trial sighing loudly and bobbling his head while making jazz hands and saying “OoooooOOooo I’m sooo bad,” anytime the prosecution spoke condemningly of his crime.

After dropping the thief’s sentence from five to three years, the thief replied “Wow, I’m totally scared of prison. And I was totally fooled by your toupee, your honor,” while using air quotes while saying both “fooled” and “your honor.”

The Judge broke into tears, reduced the sentence to two years, then swiftly instructed the bailiff to get the “big meanie” out of his courtroom.

I Want to Be Crazy Rich

I’ve been reading up about Mitt Romney, and people are upset because they are saying he’s too rich. There’s no such thing. We ALL want to be “too rich.” I know I do. I want to be crazy rich. I’m not just talking adopt-malasian-babies and wear-my-sunglasses-indoors crazy. I’m talking Howard Hughes, Marc Cuban, Oprah Winfrey crazy.

If I were as rich as Mitt Romney, I wouldn’t run for president. I would use my millions not only to build a laser tag arena with laser-shooting eagles in my home, but I’d use my millions to freak people out. Here’s my plan:

I’d build a huge mansion in the middle of an average American suburb. I’d bulldoze all of their stupid houses and put mine right in the middle.

Once I moved in, I’d board up all windows from the outside except for one, and each night I’d stand in front of that window, never moving, just watching, and never come out.

This would go on for years.

The only sign of life they’d see would be once per week, when the trash gets picked up, I’d have crazy stuff set out on the corner for the trash: A pelt of an extinct animal, an ant farm with miniature human skeletons, fingerless dishwashing gloves, newspapers for years that haven’t happened yet, a garbage bag stuffed with empty Mr. Pibb cans and a giant Mr. Pibb can stuffed with garbage bags, Crocs in the shape of the foot of an actual croc,  undiet coke bottles, a BlackBerry PlayBook…you know, weird stuff.

Oh yea. That's it, baby.

People would talk.

At night when it would rain, my house would change colors. Instead of dogs going missing in the neighborhood, people would suddenly find a cloned version of their dog in their yard, identical in every way, except one eye would be a different color.

The neighbors would constantly be on edge.

I’d stand in front of that window every night. Until one night I won’t be in front of that window.

And that’s the night everyone in the neighborhood would get a flaming bad of poo on their doorsteps.

The angry neighbors would come to mansion the next morning, angrily blaming me for the burning poo.

But when they got to my house, it would be completely burned to the ground. With nothing left behind besides a diorama of the neighborhood with miniature models of everyone in the neighborhood, surrounding and bowing down to a pedestal with an elephant skull on top.

The source of all that poo? No one will ever know.