Mayor Chuck Re-elected as Mayor of Byron City!

Re-Elected Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther

Re-Elected Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

In a whirlwind election, former Mayor Chuck Barther was re-elected to a post he had recently resigned from due to scandal, returning order and a sense of normality to a city left in turmoil and steeped in scandal.

“We don’t care about the scandal, we just want things to go back to normal, like when he was the mayor before,” said John Parks, a Byron City native, in a sentiment shared by a majority of voters yesterday.

When the polls closed at 9pm last night, it was already clear that Mayor Chuck was the winner, gathering in 72% of the vote. Other candidates included town hero Lady Cerridwen with 17%, town recluse Bill Grue with 6%, and Internet sensation Grumpy Cat with 5%.

grumpy cat

Platform slogan: “No Hope.”

The last-minute election was run by the State, who took over management of the city after Byron City’s most recent mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was arrested and charged with multiple counts of corruption and illegal activity.

When State officials were asked about whether Mayor Chuck should be allowed to take office given his past scandal, they stated, “Yea, sure, we’ll pardon him or whatever, anything to get this freak show of a town moving again. That statement is off the record, by the way. Don’t type that.”

Mayor Chuck did not campaign for or even vote in this special election, but since the news broke last night, he reportedly showed up for work at City Hall in exactly the same manner as he did before he resigned, dressed in a faded grey suit, carrying a briefcase and a brown-bag lunch.

“Go away. I have work to do,” Mayor Chuck said as he climbed the staircase for work. “And as for special plans, I’m getting this town back to normal and doing nothing, just like before. And I’m probably going to shut down our city blog that you write for. That’s when things started to get stupid around here. The internet is stupid.”

State Officials will continue to monitor things in Byron City, but have stated that they will no longer take an active part in the town’s day-to-day activities. “We’re leaving. This town is boring.”

Medieval Mayor Removed From Office

Sir Ryan

Sir Ryan

Mayor of Byron City Sir Ryan has been forcibly removed from office by the State following proof of gross misconduct, including corruption, blackmail, extortion, intimidation, and misuse of power. He will more than likely face jail time.

State officials have taken over administration of city government because of the “Byron City Mayoral mess,” a series of screw ups in which the city council appointed Sir Ryan, and allowed him to run the government into the ground while plunging the entire city into virtual anarchy.

A special election will be held, overseen by the state, within the next few months.

For those unfamiliar with Mayor Sir Ryan, here is a timeline of his “reign of terror” as Byron City Mayor (and yes, that is his legal name, ‘Sir’ is his first name and ‘Ryan’ is his last; he had it legally changed when he turned 18 from the less “royal” name of Ryan Michonzski).

Mayor Sir Ryan Timeline

May 1, 2012

Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck accused of bribery and corruption

Jul 2,2012
Mayor Chuck denies allegations, resigns, gives press the middle finger

Aug 3, 2012
Sir Ryan Appointed Mayor by City Council

Sept 11, 2012
Sir Ryan unveils new “laws,” including:

  • Mandatory Medieval Fridays
  • Forces all restaurants to serve giant turkey legs
  • Commissions the building of a new LARP Arena
  • Exiles former Mayor Chuck
  • Forces a woman to be his girlfriend
  • Forces the High School Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad”
  • Outlawes the rival club, The Celtic Club
Sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Secret sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Sept 14, 2012

Celtic Club starts resistance movement to “Sir Ryan’s Reign of Terror”

Sept 25, 2012
Sir Ryan Accused of Muzzling the Press

Oct 29, 2012
Sir Ryan Enforces more unpopular changes, including:

  • Replaces streetlights with torchlight
  • Lowers speed limit to 10mph, the “max acceptable speed of a beast of burden.”
  • Shuts down bus service, replacing it with handcarts pulled by “serfs”
  • Turns fire department into convent of Gregorian monks

Oct 30, 2012
Celtic Club Resistance movement gains serious momentum

LARP Battle on the Elf Fantasy Fair, METRO 21-04-07Dec 22, 2012
Celtic Club holds a festival/protest on the grounds of City Hall. Mayor Sir Ryan dispatches his own private force of medieval club warriors to disperse the group, and a giant LARP battle commences. Mayor Sir Ryan is defeated and goes into hiding.

Jan 15, 2013
Police determine that Mayor Sir Ryan was being held hostage by Byron City citizen, survivalist and conspiracy theorist Bill Grue, most likely in one of his many emergency bunkers. Which one, the police were unable to determine.

Feb 11, 2013
After nearly two months missing, Sir Ryan turns up, duct taped to the wall of city hall with a box full of pictures, videos, and documents proving the occurrence of fraud, bribery, blackmail, misuse of power, intimidation, and illegal use of resources. (mission mayor found)

Today
It has been announced that a special election will be held within the month to elect a new LEGITIMATE mayor. Whole process to be overseen by the state, since Byron City has been deemed “inept.”

Who will be next to die immediately after having a child on Downton Abbey? (*spoilers!*)

(*Caution: spoilers!*)

First Sybil. Then Matthew. Both had children, both died almost immediately after having that child, both in Season 3. Looks like Downton Abbey is finally hitting its stride as far as completely out of the blue and unnecessary death is concerned. Technically you could count Ethel, too, since her lover died while she was still pregnant. Even though he was a pretty minor character, one thing is for sure: having a baby on Downton means you or your lover is doomed to die.

About 30 seconds from massive Downton fan outrage.

About 30 seconds from massive Downton fan outrage.

So the question all Downtaddicts are asking themselves is, “Who will be the next character to die immediately after having a child?”

Early speculation has Mr. Bates getting shanked by an ex-prison mate right after leaving the hospital where Anna gives birth to baby Matthew. And then later Daisy dies after giving birth to baby Bates because of complications related to her teen pregnancy. And then Mrs. Patmore dies after giving birth to baby Daisy, which I can only assume is a “I didn’t know I was pregnant” situation. But she dies, not because of the pregnancy, but because she accidentally gets caught in the middle of a knife fight between Thomas and Mrs. O’Brien (which is an awesome scene by the way). And then Mr. Carson dies, not because he fathers a child, but because Downton likes killing our favorite characters for no reason.

Pretty soon we’ll just be left with the baby versions of all our dead favorite characters. If this is some sick way of creating a “Muppet Babies” version of Downton Abbey, I’m not amused.

But this is all speculation. Anyone could die, really. For all we know, Mrs. Hughes will die of milk poisoning, Edith will be killed by her new lover’s crazy wife, Cora will slip on more soap, Isobel will nag Dr. Clarkson to death, Jimmy will burn his beautiful face in a fire which will make all the servant women kill themselves, and Tom will be shot in Ireland by Bono’s great grandfather, leaving us with a sort of Hamlet situation, where everyone dies except, surprisingly, Maggie Smith’s character, who will make a string of classic one liners to a bunch of corpses. And we will all still watch it. Because Maggie Smith is awesome.

Until then, keep watching! Season 4 is right around the corner. And so is a speeding milk truck that will likely kill you on impact.

downton-abbey-maggie-smith-caption

Ah, snap! Violet, you crazy.

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Mis Won Best Picture

best picture 2013 nomineesI’m sitting here writing this article Sunday morning and setting it to post Monday morning because I don’t want to stay up late to write it after all the Hollywood bigwigs have finally stopped talking about how great they are and licking each other’s feet-holes. I’ve written a broad article that covers all three of the top contenders for the 2013 Academy Award for best picture. Just circle the one that actually won and you won’t know the difference.

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable Won Best Picture

danile day lewis oscars

Inside, I hate all of you.

Wow, I can’t believe (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) won best picture! I was happy to see (how excited Ben Affleck looked/how outwardly pleased yet inwardly loathing of everyone around him Daniel Day-Lewis was/ how Anne Hathaway literally laugh-cried into a blubbery mess of mascara and short hair before any winner was actually announced). They certainly deserved their moment in the spotlight. Now I can stop (wondering/hoping/getting annoyed every time someone says the title with a horrible French accent) and move on to congratulate the uncontested winner.

The academy must have (had a hard time choosing/second guessed their decision/thought it would be hilarious) to give this particular film the win, but in the end, I guess they really wanted (a really exciting yet brilliant film to win/a picture with historical gravitas to win/to get “One Day More” stuck in everyone’s head for a few more weeks). I guess it just goes to show that a movie with a lot of (heart/brilliant acting/actors who can’t sing) is still the best formula for making classic cinema.

hugh-jackman-gay

It shall be my greatest performance, be-yotch.

At first I was shocked when they announced (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) was the winner, but the more I think about it, the less surprised I am. First of all, (Alan Arkin’s/Daniel Day-Lewis’s/Hugh Jackman’s) stunning portrayal as (a slimy Hollywood insider turned CIA agent/an iconic leader at America’s most difficult crossroad/a gay Hollywood heart-throb pretending to be a straight actor) was nothing short of brilliant.

Second, the (writing/production design/volume of terrifyingly disgusting prostitutes) was at a level not often seen in movies these days. And third, it must have taken years for (John Goodman/Sally Field/Helena Bonham Carter) to perfect that (sly sense of surly confidence/ability to channel one of history’s most famous first ladies/ creepy-looking eyeball face thing she does).

Helena-Bonham-Carter

Yup, that’s the look.

My hat goes off to the director, who no doubt (has done his greatest work to date/must have spent years studying and immersing himself in the time period/just ripped everything off of the Broadway production). And that scene where (the American’s get stopped at the airport/ the Amendment is being voted on in the House/Amanda Seyfried and Eddie Redmayne attempt to sing at each other) was a complete nail biter! I almost couldn’t watch!

Of course, no movie is perfect, and this year’s winner is no exception. It could have done better with (character development/historical inaccuracies/trying too hard to make me cry) but overall it was a truly brilliant performance worthy of (your movie collection/the history books/Kathryn Bigelow’s disdain). No doubt all the fans of this film are currently (happy Ben Affleck finally got the praise he deserves/discussing the film’s message for our modern age/sacrificing a virgin on the altar of Victor Hugo).

So here’s to this year’s winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture! Hopefully your success will inspire many more movies with (intelligent intrigue/timeless importance/Russell Crowe’s beard) in the years to come.

Now will everyone stop bring up Dare Devil already?

Thank you. Now can we just forget about Daredevil from now on please?

Missing Mayor Found, Duct-Taped to Town Hall

Town Hall erupted this morning as Byron City’s missing Mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was returned to the steps of Town Hall, duct taped to the wall just outside the front doors and gagged, with a box full of pictures, documents, and audiotapes left next to him with the label “Evidence.”

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Mayor Sir Ryan had been missing for over a month after a Celtic Club celebration in front of Town Hall turned into an impromptu LARP battle between the Celtic Club and their rival, the Renaissance Club. The Mayor, himself a Renaissance Club leader, led the LARP assault, but in the end was defeated. There was no word or sight of him since.

In his absence, all official Mayor duties were carried out by Deputy Mayor Brian Havig and Mayor Sir Ryan’s right hand man, the Sarcastic Thief. Havig has stated that it has been hard to get any work done, since he’s not sure if the sarcastic thief actually likes his ideas or if he’s just being mean.

Then last week, local conspiracy theorist and camouflage enthusiast Bill Grue announced in a blog post, that he had indeed found and captured the Mayor and had him tied up in one of his bunkers. Local law enforcement was unable to find the Mayor since Grue reportedly has many emergency bunkers hidden all over Byron City, primarily for hurricanes, wildfires, chemical warfare, a second Obama presidency, suspension of guns laws, gay marriage, and the zombie apocalypse.

It is believed that initial inspection by law enforcement of the box marked “Evidense” has uncovered proof of wrongdoing and illegal activity of the unpopular Mayor during his short time as Mayor, including bribery, misuse of power, mismanagement of funds, and forcing of a certain citizen to be his girlfriend (allegedly Stephanie Banks-Dickson, a married woman whom he is known to have had a crush on).

We will provide more information as it becomes available.

Superbowl Blackout Conspiracy Theory

Beyoncé makes Illuminati symbol to her worshipers during her performance at the Superbowl.

Beyoncé makes Illuminati symbol to her worshipers during her performance at the Superbowl.

The Superbowl was this past Sunday. I usually don’t watch it because of the subliminal messaging and radiation that comes through the television during large scale televised events, but this time I was watching it through a special deflector, and something came up that intrigued me. Just after halftime, as the Baltimore Ravens were completely destroying the 49ers, the power went off. Over 30 minutes later, the power was restored and the game continued. The 49ers came back to nearly win it. The game ended, life went back to normal.

Or so you thought.

You see, the power outage was no accident. Beyoncé isn’t a simple entertainer. And Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos mean something much darker than you could possibly imagine. Take a look again at the chain of events and tell me there is no connection.

Superbowl Blackout Chain of Events

End of Second Quarter — The Score: Ravens 21, 49ers 6

Halftime — Beyoncé Performs. Sings anti-marriage /  government-forced celibacy song, “Single Ladies.” Beyoncé and her fans make illuminati triangle symbols with hands as they worship her during the performance.beyonce illuminati fans

Beginning of Third Quarter  — Ravens score immediately on kick off.

Shortly after Raven’s Kickoff Score  — Stadium goes dark

5min into Blackout  — 49ers punter goes missing.

7min into Blackout  — Oreo tweets this pre-prepared blackout ad.

13min into the Blackout  — Ravens momentum has cooled off. A few fans witness Jay-Z in the shadows near the locker room entrance screaming at Joe Flacco.

22min into the Blackout  — Colin Kaepernick disappears from the field for a few moments. Returns with new tattoo.

34min into the Blackout  —  Jim and John Harbaugh exchange secret hand signs.

35min into Blackout  —  Lights go back on, play resumes.

3rd Quarter  —  49ers miraculously come back to make the game more exciting and lucrative for late-game advertisers.

4th Quarter Commercial Break  — We are fed a subliminal TV commercial glorifying the virtues of manual farm labor and serfdom.

End of 4th Quarter  — Ravens “take a safety” instead of kicking it off, making the final Score 34 – 31, the illuminati number of death.*

So those are the facts. Anything look suspicious? It should. And it’s no coincidence that Beyoncé just a few weeks prior lip-synced at the inauguration of fellow Illuminati leader Barack Obama. But why has the Illuminati so publicly flaunted their power? Why the secret death code? Why do players with dreadlocks never seem to have one ripped out accidentally during play? I haven’t connected all of the dots yet, but there’s definitely something they don’t want you to know. We may be on the eve of a new world order.

P.S. I’ve found the Mayor, and he’s currently tied up in my basement. I’ll deliver him when I’ve finished my investigation.

*3431, based on the letters on a standard US telephone, the numbers spell “Die.” The 1 has no letters on a telephone because, according to the illuminati, the number “one” represents their satanic leadership, which cannot be defined.

Beyoncé Lip-Synced at the Inauguration? My world just shattered

Beyonce lip-synch

Like every other patriotic American, I watched President Obama’s inauguration to view a historic event unfold in real time. And also to see Jennifer Hudson, Jay Z, Katy Perry, James Taylor, Kelly Clarkson, and especially, Beyoncé. My fave diva of all time behind Madonna and Lady Gaga.

But I just heard that Beyoncé lip-synched her inauguration performance. Lip-synced! That’s right, it was all a sham. The only true sound coming from the stage at that time was the sound of my world shattering. Is nothing real anymore? My hopes and dreams have all been crushed. Someone call Chris Angel and tell him there is no magic in the world.

I mean, I can’t believe it is true. I watched and re-watched her song many times: her enthusiastic hand gestures, the veins popping out of her neck, and her removing the earpiece because she’s so awesome she doesn’t need no earpiece to touch the hearts of America. All of it, lies? Say it ain’t so, Sasha Fierce!

I haven’t felt this let down since I found out Katy Perry and Russell Brand were getting divorced. Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day hiding under my bed eating saltines and listening to “Mad World” on a loop.