Sir Ryan Appointed New Mayor of Byron City

In a shocking announcement this morning  from the City Council of Byron City, it has been revealed that Sir Ryan has officially been appointed the new Mayor of Byron City.

Mayor Sir Ryan

The appointment was announced during a press conference this morning with key members of the City Council. After much speculation as to who would be appointed as new mayor to replace the disgraced and resigned Mayor Chuck. Although Sir Ryan was a rumoured consideration, most citizens considered him a long shot because of how weird he is.

But the “weird factor” did not seem to be an issue with the City Council.

“We considered a lot of great people, but in the end, Sir Ryan was the one we thought most capable and suitable to give us all what we need. Especially that piece of land sitting behind my house that past mayors wouldn’t let me buy since it’s a nature preserve. That’s probably something really good he could give to certain cooperative citizens. And maybe some Manolo Blahniks,” said council member Laurel Sandberg wrapped in a fur coat, even though it’s the middle of august.

“Sir Ryan will make an excellent, kind, and generous mayor, and will never in a million years threaten the peace of me and my family or expose past embarrassments that may or may not have occurred during some awkward stages in my life. All praise Sir Ryan!” said a slightly nervous looking council member Brian Havig.

But not all citizens were as supportive or excited about the appointment.

“This is #$^;(*@! There’s no way the council chose that faggy little minstrel over me,” said citizen and former mayor hopeful Bob Van Daniels. “Something fishy is going on here, and I won’t rest until I find out what. I rarely sleep anyways, mostly because I don’t need to sleep because I kick serious balls all day and all night, but as of this moment I’m devoting all of my ball-kicking time to Sir Ryan’s balls! Watch your back!”

Sir Ryan’s female rivals seemed equally displayed. “Something foul stenches the air, yonder. A bleak and heavy cloud accompanies the humour of that louse. To him wilst I cast a pox, and unfetter his mealworm’ed treachery,” said the outspoken Lady Cerridwen, leader of the city’s Celtic Club, rival group of Sir Ryan’s Medieval Club.

Sir Ryan could not be reached for comment, but his campaign representative, a man dressed as a jester who calls himself Dave, handed a statement to the press written on scroll parchment that said, “Hark! Verily the day of reckoning is at hand. Ye shall all bow before the rod of Mayor Ryan, else’t the rod of power which should be so tender at this moment will grow hard and strike thee down in furious retribution. And you’re not allowed to make any ‘That’s What She Said’ jokes about my rod of power. You know what I mean. Grow up.”

Dark days may be ahead for Byron City. Dark Days.

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Why Me Being Mayor Would Melt Your Face Off Of Your Face

Hi there. I don’t need to introduce myself to you since I’m so awesome that if you don’t already know who I am by now it’s probably because you won first prize in a sucking contest.

Squirrels with machine guns? When I’m Mayor, yes.

I just wanted everyone in the town to know that I’ve rejected Sir Ryan’s proposal to be his Vice Mayor. Why you ask? First, stop asking so many questions, you sound like a freaking idiot. Second, I found out there is no such thing as Vice Mayor. Third, I’m nobody’s sidekick. So I’m running for mayor myself.

Welcome back to your computer, because I can only assume that after reading that last sentence, you got up from your computer and started break dancing and breaking your own windows for joy, or if you didn’t, it’s either because you fainted instead, or because you’re a complete and utter tool who doesn’t think me running for Mayor is the best thing that every happened in your life.

So for those of you who aren’t convinced that me being Mayor would be so cool that you’d grow extra nipples, I’ve compiled a few campaign promises that will make you wet your pants with fire urine.

Why me being Mayor would melt your face off of your face

1-    No one will ever have to pay taxes. EVER. Taxes are for pussies and terrorists.
2-    The postal service will be replaced with attack hawks.
3-    The librarians at the public library will now be hot. I’m tired of going in there and being disappointed.
4-    Dynamite will be a legal firework. So will chainsaws.
5-    River Street will literally be turned into a white water rafting river. Also part of the new public transportation system.
6-    Hate Monday’s? Me, too. So Monday is now part of the weekend. Suck it, Tuesday.
7-    The public transit system will be expanded to include skydiving.
8-    Mandatory Zombie Apocalypse training the last friday of every month.

To serve, protect, and turn your butt hairs grey.


9-    Everyone gets a free BMX bike
10-    Remember that free BMX bike I just gave you? Why don’t you use it in the fire obstacle course I’ll build? Finish the course, you save a school of orphan babies with cancer. Fail, and I dip your balls in acid (if you don’t have balls because you are a woman, and not because your balls have shriveled in my presence, then your punishment will be you’ll have to give me a booty dance…don’t bother asking what that is, I’ll let you know when the time comes).
11-    “Manscaping” will be illegal. However, this law will be waived for you if you drive a tank, have a really cool face scar, or have knives for fingers.
12-    Public disputes will be resolved on who can do the most push ups.

Time for prison, loser.

13-    The 13th floor of the Byron City hotel will be transformed into a haunted house. Stay there overnight, you get to hit on my girlfriend (spoiler alert: no one will make it more than 30 seconds without fully crapping their pants and clawing their own skin off)
14-    June 15th will become an official holiday known as Call of Duty Day.
15-    The bell tower in the middle of town will be struck by a real lightning bolt every hour on the hour.
16-    The police force will fight crime with jetpacks.
17-    
Stop signs will be changed to “Shut Up” signs, and speed bumps will be changed into speed boosters.
18-    The speed limit is now infinity. Everywhere.

And that’s just a small sample of the hundreds of ideas I have to change this city. If I showed them all to you, you’d forget how to speak a discernible language and pull your own eyes out. And that’s not what I want. Not for my city.

So when Mayor Chuck gets kicked out and you go to the polls to vote, vote Bob Van Daniels: for a future with some serious balls (yes that is my campaign slogan, so suck it).

Don’t mess with my town.