Hark ho, mine faithful citizens of ye olde Byron City! It has been thence a few weeks, nigh unto a fortnight, since I was’st crowned Mayor and Ruler of Byron City, and things hath already improve’ed much. The streets be cleaner, the crime rate doth wane, and the hearts of all citizens e’rywhere be full of mirth and gayety (I meanest this in the original interpretation of “gay,” so stop laughing at me when I say that. Grow thou up.)
But lo! even more joy is on the way! I have, with the assistance of my loyal aide, Jester Dave, created a list of Mayoral decrees, effective hence thus now and forever after.
10 Mayoral Decrees
1- Medieval Fridays
On the last Friday of each month, all citizens must dress in medieval garb and not use modern technology. Thou shalt find it fun.
2- Giant Turkey Legs
All restaurants must add Giant Turkey Legs to their menus. Even vegan restaurants, including Just Beet It, Soy Story, and Faux Bowl.
3- New LARP Arena
We will be levying taxes to build a new medieval Live Action Role Playing arena (LARP). T’will be the coolest thing on the planet, and medieval clubs from all over shall flock to our city to battle and hurl Nerf fireballs at one another, greatly improving the economy of our kingdom.
4- Mayor Chuck Exiled
Former Mayor Chuck is thus banned from office forever and his coat of arms replaced with a chicken-headed minstrel. And his house shall no longer considered part of Byron City. It’s now known as Loserville, population: 1.
5- Stephanie is Now my Girlfriend
Stephanie Banks-Dixon must be my official lady faire (my girlfriend). She may stay married to her husband if she likes, that’s cool, so long as he doesn’t hurt me and thou go’est on dates with me now and then, forsooth, perhaps the Grey Elf Tribe Annual Mixer tonight?
Seriously? That’s it? Lame.
6- Game Guides at Library
Byron City library must stock RPG game guides. The library current offers only the Buffy the Vampire slayer RPG guide, which verily is super lame.
7- No More Celtic Club
Since its lameness doth exceed the lameness of all things lame, the Celtic Club and is hereby dismantled, and all members are now part of the superior Medieval Club (except for Lady Cerridwen, who I wouldn’t let be mine house maid). All the Celtics died anyways, so there you go, losers.
8- Byron High’s New Mascot
Byron High’s new mascot shall be the Barnacle Goose, and the Cheerleaders shall be known as the Harpy Squad. The name doth fit.
9- Chinese Food Delivery
Happy Good Chinese Food must deliver even if the order doth not exceed $10. I mean, come on. Art thou serious? And I shall not tip the delivery man if he giveth me a weird look when I pay in quarters from my coin purse.
10- King Jeff Must Give Back my Nickleback CD
I’m serious, I know thou hath it. Thou can still be King of the Medieval Club, I just want’est my CD back.
That is all, but there be more to come. I admonish all citizens to adhere to these decrees, lest ye find yourselves in the disfavor of the honorable Mayor of the land of Byron.
Stephanie, I’ll pick you up at 5 tonight.
– His High Mayoral Eminence Sir Ryan.