Winter Solstice = Illegal

Hello my fellow Byron City-ans,

I read the post by the outlaw Lady Cerridwen. Here is my response.

Since becoming thy Mayor legally and fairly without corruption as some hath supposed, I have only used this blog to announce official city business and occasionally to stop some more inflammatory posts that would disrupt the peace of our city. And so it is now.

I hereby announce that anyone caught attending Saturday’s Winter Solstice Celebration at Moon’s Field shall be arrested and jailed immediately. Also forthwith, anyone caught dressed like a Celt shall be jailed. However, people dressed in Medieval garb shall be permitted to do so. There’s a big difference, trust me. They look like complete nerds, we look dignified.

So let this be a first and final warning to ye of the Celtic Club. Your subversive Winter Solstice Celebration shall not occur, under penalty of jailing and fines.

And if ye bring foam swords and resist my rule, I and my posse of Mayoral guards shall respond in kind with our own foam weapon infantry, the likes of which would make ye piss your pantaloons. Do not try me. Ye shall fail.

My Mayoral Guard. I shall not hesitate to unleash them.

My Mayoral Guard. I shall not hesitate to unleash them.

Who Will Be Byron City’s New Mayor?

As most citizens of Byron City know by now, Mayor Chuck, despite his popularity among the people, has resigned amidst bribery and corruption allegations. And without a Mayor, City Council has been tasked with appointing a new Mayor that will assume all mayoral duties until the regular official election is held October of 2014.

As of yet, the council hasn’t named a replacement, but I’ve compiled the following list of those most likely being considered, along with those most vigorously campaigning for the appointment.

Potential Candidates for New Mayor

Sir Ryan
As the head of Byron City’s Medieval Club, Sir Ryan is the most colorful personality in this race. Smart, ambitious, and the last member of the City Council appointed by Mayor Chuck before his resignation.

Pros
He has made a lot of very specific campaign promises to lots of citizens already, and seems to have a lot of friends from the medieval club that do whatever he asks.

Cons
Sir Ryan only talks in “Olde English,” which alienates him from most citizens. He has proposed some odd laws during his short time on City Council and has been accused of getting his place on the council only as an illegal political favor for ending the Occupy Byron City movement. Some have even reported hearing Sir Ryan “swear vengeance” on the entire town when the Renaissance Festival from this past summer didn’t go well. He has also been accused of orchestrating the entire bribery and corruption scandal that put Mayor Chuck out of office in a brilliantly evil plan to usurp power over the town, an accusation Sir Ryan calls “Preposterous.”

“Nay, a’pox on those fiends who doth accuse me so raucously, and may the poison wilt the idle ghosts whose wagging tongue ne’er a grave be brought back forth and thrice again,” remarked Sir Ryan about the accusations while working his shift at KFC. No one is really sure what he meant by that.

Bob Van Daniels
Originally asked by Sir Ryan to be his Vice Mayor (as a campaign promise for his support), Mr. Van Daniels decided he didn’t “want to be number two to anyone. I’m number one or nothin’, baby. Woohoo! Suck it!”

Pros
Ambitious, enthusiastic, and as owner of Hold onto Your Buds Flower Shop and Sausage Fest Restaurant, he is one of Byron City’s most successful businessmen. He has also made some very specific campaign promises in his last blog post, including abolishing all taxes and making sure all librarians in the Byron City Library are “hot.”

Cons
Many people in town either strongly like or strongly dislike his business ventures. Many people also find his personality a bit too “aggressive and offensive.” In response, Mr. Van Daniels has said, “Screw you, that’s fine, if you don’t think I’m the most awesome man on the planet, then it’s probably because you’re Mayor of Super Lame Town, so go ahead and suck duck’s balls, I’m going to go be Mayor of Byron #!*&@-ing City,” after which he lit an M-80 firecracker and threw it at a passing car.

Brian Havig- Deputy Mayor
Served as Deputy mayor under Mayor Chuck and on the City Council since 1992.

Pros
Seems to be the most obvious choice. He has the most experience and could easily pick up where Mayor Chuck left off. He’s also the head of the City Council.

Cons
Mr. Havig does not seem very eager to take on the role. It is rumored that Mr. Havig spends his free time on his “passion” of making costumes of every character on Star Wars, and only accepted the role of Deputy Mayor from Mayor Chuck because the Mayor agreed to let him wear his Han Solo outfit to work once in awhile. There’s also the issue of Mr. Havig being engaged to a 26-year-old he met at Comic Con, an age difference most citizens find “off putting.”

David Lurkes
City Historian, he has lived in Byron City his entire life

Pros
He knows everything about Byron City and knows everyone in it. He is one of Byron City’s best known citizens.

Cons
No one has talked to David Lurkes in person for 3 years. Possibly has become a shut in.

Dr. Evan Frederick
Dr. Frederick, who practices family medicine in Byron,  has been going door to door asking for support in the upcoming race.

Pros
“I’m smarter and more educated than most people in this town, I exercise more, and I remember to clear the microwave timer when I finish heating something before the time runs out, unlike SOME people in this city,” said Dr. Frederick in an unsolicited telephone interview with me about the mayoral appointment.

Cons
Unofficially diagnosed with OCD and, according to most citizens, “acts a little gay.”

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City Council is expected to announce a decision early next week.