Medieval Mayor Removed From Office

Sir Ryan

Sir Ryan

Mayor of Byron City Sir Ryan has been forcibly removed from office by the State following proof of gross misconduct, including corruption, blackmail, extortion, intimidation, and misuse of power. He will more than likely face jail time.

State officials have taken over administration of city government because of the “Byron City Mayoral mess,” a series of screw ups in which the city council appointed Sir Ryan, and allowed him to run the government into the ground while plunging the entire city into virtual anarchy.

A special election will be held, overseen by the state, within the next few months.

For those unfamiliar with Mayor Sir Ryan, here is a timeline of his “reign of terror” as Byron City Mayor (and yes, that is his legal name, ‘Sir’ is his first name and ‘Ryan’ is his last; he had it legally changed when he turned 18 from the less “royal” name of Ryan Michonzski).

Mayor Sir Ryan Timeline

May 1, 2012

Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck accused of bribery and corruption

Jul 2,2012
Mayor Chuck denies allegations, resigns, gives press the middle finger

Aug 3, 2012
Sir Ryan Appointed Mayor by City Council

Sept 11, 2012
Sir Ryan unveils new “laws,” including:

  • Mandatory Medieval Fridays
  • Forces all restaurants to serve giant turkey legs
  • Commissions the building of a new LARP Arena
  • Exiles former Mayor Chuck
  • Forces a woman to be his girlfriend
  • Forces the High School Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad”
  • Outlawes the rival club, The Celtic Club
Sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Secret sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Sept 14, 2012

Celtic Club starts resistance movement to “Sir Ryan’s Reign of Terror”

Sept 25, 2012
Sir Ryan Accused of Muzzling the Press

Oct 29, 2012
Sir Ryan Enforces more unpopular changes, including:

  • Replaces streetlights with torchlight
  • Lowers speed limit to 10mph, the “max acceptable speed of a beast of burden.”
  • Shuts down bus service, replacing it with handcarts pulled by “serfs”
  • Turns fire department into convent of Gregorian monks

Oct 30, 2012
Celtic Club Resistance movement gains serious momentum

LARP Battle on the Elf Fantasy Fair, METRO 21-04-07Dec 22, 2012
Celtic Club holds a festival/protest on the grounds of City Hall. Mayor Sir Ryan dispatches his own private force of medieval club warriors to disperse the group, and a giant LARP battle commences. Mayor Sir Ryan is defeated and goes into hiding.

Jan 15, 2013
Police determine that Mayor Sir Ryan was being held hostage by Byron City citizen, survivalist and conspiracy theorist Bill Grue, most likely in one of his many emergency bunkers. Which one, the police were unable to determine.

Feb 11, 2013
After nearly two months missing, Sir Ryan turns up, duct taped to the wall of city hall with a box full of pictures, videos, and documents proving the occurrence of fraud, bribery, blackmail, misuse of power, intimidation, and illegal use of resources. (mission mayor found)

Today
It has been announced that a special election will be held within the month to elect a new LEGITIMATE mayor. Whole process to be overseen by the state, since Byron City has been deemed “inept.”

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Re: Winter Solstice = Illegal

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

Mayor Sir Ryan has directly threatened we, the Celtic Club, with arrest and persecution should we hold our Winter Solstice Festival in Moons Field. Such a clear abuse of power hath not been known since the Romans conquered and enslaved the Celtics of the British isles long ago.

So in response, we shall concede. That’s right. We shall not hold our Winter Solstice Festival at Moons field tomorrow. We instead shall hold our Winter Solstice Festival DIRECTLY ON THE GROUND OF CITY HALL, so that the infernal, corrupt Mayor may watch our festivities from his office window.

We anticipate nearly one thousand attendants. Possibly more. This is not an exaggeration. If the Mayor delights in arresting innocent surfs and subjects, and assuming he has room in his already overcrowded jail, then we shall make it easier for him and celebrate at his doorstep, foam swords in hand.

Your move, Mayor. See you tomorrow.

– The unconquerable Lady Ceridwen

Winter Solstice = Illegal

Hello my fellow Byron City-ans,

I read the post by the outlaw Lady Cerridwen. Here is my response.

Since becoming thy Mayor legally and fairly without corruption as some hath supposed, I have only used this blog to announce official city business and occasionally to stop some more inflammatory posts that would disrupt the peace of our city. And so it is now.

I hereby announce that anyone caught attending Saturday’s Winter Solstice Celebration at Moon’s Field shall be arrested and jailed immediately. Also forthwith, anyone caught dressed like a Celt shall be jailed. However, people dressed in Medieval garb shall be permitted to do so. There’s a big difference, trust me. They look like complete nerds, we look dignified.

So let this be a first and final warning to ye of the Celtic Club. Your subversive Winter Solstice Celebration shall not occur, under penalty of jailing and fines.

And if ye bring foam swords and resist my rule, I and my posse of Mayoral guards shall respond in kind with our own foam weapon infantry, the likes of which would make ye piss your pantaloons. Do not try me. Ye shall fail.

My Mayoral Guard. I shall not hesitate to unleash them.

My Mayoral Guard. I shall not hesitate to unleash them.

Sir Ryan Appointed New Mayor of Byron City

In a shocking announcement this morning  from the City Council of Byron City, it has been revealed that Sir Ryan has officially been appointed the new Mayor of Byron City.

Mayor Sir Ryan

The appointment was announced during a press conference this morning with key members of the City Council. After much speculation as to who would be appointed as new mayor to replace the disgraced and resigned Mayor Chuck. Although Sir Ryan was a rumoured consideration, most citizens considered him a long shot because of how weird he is.

But the “weird factor” did not seem to be an issue with the City Council.

“We considered a lot of great people, but in the end, Sir Ryan was the one we thought most capable and suitable to give us all what we need. Especially that piece of land sitting behind my house that past mayors wouldn’t let me buy since it’s a nature preserve. That’s probably something really good he could give to certain cooperative citizens. And maybe some Manolo Blahniks,” said council member Laurel Sandberg wrapped in a fur coat, even though it’s the middle of august.

“Sir Ryan will make an excellent, kind, and generous mayor, and will never in a million years threaten the peace of me and my family or expose past embarrassments that may or may not have occurred during some awkward stages in my life. All praise Sir Ryan!” said a slightly nervous looking council member Brian Havig.

But not all citizens were as supportive or excited about the appointment.

“This is #$^;(*@! There’s no way the council chose that faggy little minstrel over me,” said citizen and former mayor hopeful Bob Van Daniels. “Something fishy is going on here, and I won’t rest until I find out what. I rarely sleep anyways, mostly because I don’t need to sleep because I kick serious balls all day and all night, but as of this moment I’m devoting all of my ball-kicking time to Sir Ryan’s balls! Watch your back!”

Sir Ryan’s female rivals seemed equally displayed. “Something foul stenches the air, yonder. A bleak and heavy cloud accompanies the humour of that louse. To him wilst I cast a pox, and unfetter his mealworm’ed treachery,” said the outspoken Lady Cerridwen, leader of the city’s Celtic Club, rival group of Sir Ryan’s Medieval Club.

Sir Ryan could not be reached for comment, but his campaign representative, a man dressed as a jester who calls himself Dave, handed a statement to the press written on scroll parchment that said, “Hark! Verily the day of reckoning is at hand. Ye shall all bow before the rod of Mayor Ryan, else’t the rod of power which should be so tender at this moment will grow hard and strike thee down in furious retribution. And you’re not allowed to make any ‘That’s What She Said’ jokes about my rod of power. You know what I mean. Grow up.”

Dark days may be ahead for Byron City. Dark Days.

Mayor Chuck Resigns! – Byron City News Digest

Mayor of Byron City, Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther has resigned amidst bribery and corruption allegations, specifically appointing people to city council in exchange for political favors. He was indicted after audio and picture evidence revealed Mayor Chuck making a deal with Byron City’s Medieval Club to leave the Occupy Byron City protest, effectively ending the demonstration, in exchange for appointing one of their members to city council. Sir Ryan was appointed to the City Council shortly after the Occupy Byron City movement had ended.

Ex-Mayor of Byron City Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck has in the past maintained his innocence, saying he “never did anything illegal” and has accused Sir Ryan of blackmail, a charge Sir Ryan adamantly denies. However, apparently under pressure from the City council and protests at City Hall, this morning Mayor Chuck has stepped down.

“I wanted to keep serving the people in the town I love, keeping speed limits low and teenagers from making too much noise, but in light of recent events, the best thing for Byron City appears to be to step down,” said Mayor Chuck today at an early morning press conference. “So all of you can go shove it.”

At the end of the press conference, Chuck Barther removed his tie and flipped off everyone in the room. He reported went strait to Byron City Meadows Golf Resort for a strong glass of scotch.

Following Byron City law, City Council is expected to appoint a new Mayor by the end of the month.

County Fair Begins to Huge Success

The County Fair successfully kicked off at Moon’s Field yesterday morning in Byron City. This is the first time that Byron City has hosted the fair since the great “Mayonnaise Incident the last time they hosted the event [number] years ago.

The most popular attractions so far have been the Sausage Fest food tent, the Hurl-A-Whirl ride, and the Tunnel of Love (it is not recommended to do those things in order). Other attractions include “Porky’s Pig Racing,” “Paintball-a-Palooza,” and “Guess Where I’ve Hid My Hot Dog?”

The annual and ever-popular Weight-Gain-a-Thon, the competition to see who can gain the most weight in a single day at the fair, will be held Wednesday. Registraion closes end of day Tuesday.

Mayor Chuck Indicted, Sir Ryan for Mayor, Sarcastic Thief Makes Judge Cry- Byron City News Digest

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther Indicted

Byron City Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther was indicted yesterday on charges of unlawfully appointing citizens to City Counsel in exchange for political favors.

Mayor Chuck

Mayor Barther allegedly gave Byron City resident Sir Ryan a place on City Counsel in exchange for removing his Byron City Medieval Club friends from the Occupy Byron City protests late last year.

That same Sir Ryan is reported to also be the one spreading evidence of the crime and his unlawful appointment.

“Hark! I thus tempted the Mayor to commit the illegal act in order to reveal the treachery and corruption that lay in the heart of our govern’ment. I did it with only the good of the city in mind,” said Sir Ryan with his right arm stretched to the sky while a friend played a recorder-flute behind him.

“There’s no evidence except for a doctored tape made by a man who’s latest contribution to City Counsel was a proposal for a subsidy on multicolored tights,” responded Mayor Chuck. “This is a power grab, plain and simple. He can expect a libel suit when this is over.”

Sir Ryan Announces Mayoral Bid

Byron City resident Sir Ryan has announced that he is running to occupy the Office of Mayor once “Mayor Chuck has been kicked out.”

Sir Ryan

Mayoral Re-election is not scheduled to happen until October of 2014, but that has not stopped Sir Ryan from accusing Mayor Chuck of corruption and abuse of power and demanding he be named the new Mayor. He has gone so far as to make very specific and lofty campaign promises to citizens.

“He promised me the City’s first ever cage-free, free-range, organic, fair-trade, wind-powered, locally farm grown coffee shop! I couldn’t be more excited!” said citizen Willow Van Wess, city Liberal.

“He promised to make me Vice Mayor. Which totally kicks major boot-ay. This town would totally stop sucking if I ran things. Let me introduce you to my cabinet: Annabelle and BoomBoom,” said Bob Van Daniels indicating his biceps.

Not all citizens were swayed by Sir Ryan’s campaign promises. “He promised me he’d build the first gay bar in Byron City. But I’m not gay, so I’m not sure why he’d promise me that,” said citizen Dr. Evan Frederick. “No, really, I’m not. Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sarcastic Thief Sentenced, Makes Judge Cry

The thief accused of holding up a gas station with nothing but sarcasm was sentenced to 2 years in prison today. It sentence was originally set for five years but was reduced when lawyers pointed out that the thief used no deadly force or threat, and even more so after the suspect belittled the judge to the point of tears.

“Oh wow, look at your robs, you look sooOOooOOoo regal and intimidating. I’m totally standing out of respect, and not because I’m being forced to,” the thief said upon rising when the judge first entered the courtroom.

The thief spent the rest of the trial sighing loudly and bobbling his head while making jazz hands and saying “OoooooOOooo I’m sooo bad,” anytime the prosecution spoke condemningly of his crime.

After dropping the thief’s sentence from five to three years, the thief replied “Wow, I’m totally scared of prison. And I was totally fooled by your toupee, your honor,” while using air quotes while saying both “fooled” and “your honor.”

The Judge broke into tears, reduced the sentence to two years, then swiftly instructed the bailiff to get the “big meanie” out of his courtroom.

Giant Bat-Gate: How to Genetically Engineer an Election

It’s all coming together.

Citizens of Byron City, I’ve recently discovered the reason for the increase in giant bats in Byron City. It was caused by the unbridled political aspirations of our esteemed, mild mannered Mayor Chuck Barther!

I wrote a few weeks back about a noticeable increase in the amount of giant bat sightings we’ve been having in Byron City, but I had yet to come up with a credible explanation. Then just this morning, as I was monitoring my home outside in my ghillie suit from my hollowed-out elm tree I noticed a mysterious man wearing a dark cloak approaching. I had just finished squaring up my tranquilizing gun when I noticed him drop a mysterious envelope on my front door. I opened it, and after checking it for monitoring devices or traces of weaponized bird flu, I read it. It contained 5 pages.

Page 1- a letter, hand-written in very elaborate cursive, telling me that Mayor Chuck is responsible for all the giant bats, and that if I were to assist him in usurping the Mayor, he would help me hunt and destroy them, along with making sure no more queers or Mexicans moved into our town.

Page 2- proof in the form of pictures and audio tape, of Mayor Chuck giving illegal political favors to Occupy Byron City protestors in exchange for them to quit protesting and leave City Hall. This explains why it ended so abruptly and why Mayor Chuck was so defensive over accusations of a scandal.

Page 3- picture of Mayor Chuck getting a free refill on his coke at the Renaissance Festival when free refills were NOT included.

Page 4- a really scary picture of a giant bat (included below)

Page 5- a document containing only the handwritten phrase, “The City will be Mine!” and the words “Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha” over and over again, in red ink.

“Bwah ha ha” is right, giant bats. The city will be ours again. Your days are numbered. And so are yours, Mayor Chuck. Next time you’ll think twice before genetically engineering an election. Thank you, mysterious cloaked man. You have my support.

– Bill Grue

Giant bat, or demon from hell? The answer: yes.