Hi everyone, I’m a busy mom balancing family and work, and if you’re like me, you don’t always have the time to decorate for each and every holiday. But I have some tips that can help you create an absolutely perfect family-friendly Halloween home in only 27.5 hours! That’s right, perfect Halloween memories and only miss one night of sleep! So put some coffee on and get ready for an easy yet unforgettable experience that your entire neighborhood will envy. They will. They have to.
Spooky Dining Room
To create this spook-tacular experience, paint over your labor day colors using the Pumpkin Orange paint hue from Home Depot. While one of your seven coats is drying, get started on the fluffy paper décor. Simply take 3,782 layers of black and grey tissue paper (per fluff) with a couple of layer each segment eight to twelve sheets thick, drink 16 more ounces of coffee, hand fold them to the ruffle consistency desired, use an iron to set the folds, take a couple Fentanyl with three Red Bulls, fluff with a common household blow dryer, spray with your diluted scented paste-water solution, place in clothes dryer on medium heat for 3 minutes, immediately place in freezer, pluck out 14 strands of your own hair, then create the next layer of fluff. Repeat 37 times, bundle together, hang with fishing line, and viola! Hand-made Halloween décor in no time! You’ll have to do several at once while you paint the dinning room. Sip coffee throughout. Take a few more Fentanyl as needed. Discard human hair.
Home-made Halloween Spirits
This fun little refreshment is a favorite when we host our yearly Halloween Ball for the adults in our neighborhood. To make Spirits, ferment a healthy amount of dextrose/glucose, then Using a 30L air-tight fermenter barrel simply add water sugars and Turbo yeast to make 25L of alcohol base “wash.” After four cappuccinos and an OxyContin to control the “shakes,” use a still to distill and purify your base and separate the water and alcohol, then collect the alcohol vapor and cool it back down to collect high strength distillate at 40% spirit. Run your spirit through a gravity fed “carbon filter” to remove excess impurities, add water and the flavor of your choice, then just siphon it, bottle it in your own decorative bottles, add some fun labels, and let it age until your next big Halloween event!
Live Halloween Decoration
This one is simple and a favorite with our kids. Go to your local pet store and adopt a black cat. Give him a lot of “kitty-safe” sedatives so he stays purring and in place on your arrangement of organically grown pumpkins. Add a festive Halloween collar and maybe paint the claws orange, and that’s it! Don’t worry if you’re not ready to have a full-time pet. You can give him back after Halloween is over. Take some Claritin from your allergy medication storage, and give some to your kids should they have pet allergies.
Hand-embroidered Terror Towels
Do this to add a “horrifying touch” to your bathroom. Buy common white hand towels from your local Bed, Bath and Beyond, and using black or blue thread, hand stitch “Bates Motel” on each towel. Take seven Adderall to help you focus on the details and speed up your embroidery rate, put a pencil in your mouth to protect your teeth from uncontrollable grinding and chattering.
Elegant Pumpkin Carving
Tired of the same boring pumpkin carving? Create an original hand-sketched drawing using skills learned from the adult education art night classes from the community college, create a transparency of your drawing, project that transparency onto the pumpkin using a mini light projector, cry on the sofa for seven minutes, trace the drawing on your pumpkin using a thin-tipped marker, take twelve Codeine, scream at yourself in the mirror for 30 full seconds, carefully begin carving following the trace with a set of tiny stainless steel, reinforced pumpkin knives, and when finished, insert self-rotating candle motor to create a spooky revolving lights effect inside. Oh how neat!
Expert Tip: If you find your eye is twitching and red, it’s likely because you’re not blinking, so remember to take frequent “blink” breaks.
Hope these tips help! I typed this in fourteen minutes, which is four minutes longer than I budgeted in my day schedule, so I have to stop short and get back to the vegan organic Halloween cookies I have baking in our Mason Jar Window cooker. Happy Halloween! Seriously, it’s going to be sooooo happy. Happpy haaaappy hapepreoy haapppppppyyyyyyyyyyy…