Re: Winter Solstice = Illegal

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

Mayor Sir Ryan has directly threatened we, the Celtic Club, with arrest and persecution should we hold our Winter Solstice Festival in Moons Field. Such a clear abuse of power hath not been known since the Romans conquered and enslaved the Celtics of the British isles long ago.

So in response, we shall concede. That’s right. We shall not hold our Winter Solstice Festival at Moons field tomorrow. We instead shall hold our Winter Solstice Festival DIRECTLY ON THE GROUND OF CITY HALL, so that the infernal, corrupt Mayor may watch our festivities from his office window.

We anticipate nearly one thousand attendants. Possibly more. This is not an exaggeration. If the Mayor delights in arresting innocent surfs and subjects, and assuming he has room in his already overcrowded jail, then we shall make it easier for him and celebrate at his doorstep, foam swords in hand.

Your move, Mayor. See you tomorrow.

– The unconquerable Lady Ceridwen

Winter Solstice Celebration…or DEATH!

Merry Winter Solstice to ye all, though this has been a trying year for our people, full of persecution and heartache.

But we of the Celtic Club are tired of hiding. The tyrannical Mayor hath denied our club’s right to exist or hold our public LARP games, but this weekend, we shall rebel by throwing our annual Winter Solstice Festival in Moon’s Field. In public.

And I for one shall be dressed in full Celtic battle garb, including my trusty LARP bow, dubbed Lady Macha after the Celtic Goddess of protection in war and peace, cunning, deadliness, and dominance over men (I don’t understand why this turns men on, it is meant to frighten and overpower them, but whatever…).

larp archer

Fly true, Lady Macha.

The festival shall begin at 11 a.m. goddess time (which is the same as local time). Festivities shall include music, Celtic dancing, the drinking of mead and wine, a roasted pig, and Lady Stacey shall be setting up her hummus and vegan foods stand. We shall also have a grand LARP session in the late afternoon, so be ye prepared for battle.

By night, we shall enjoy performances by Lord Brian and his bagpipes, and Lady Jenna who will do her nude fire dancing to honor the Celtic fire Goddess Brigit. And unlike last year, all men present will need to keep a distance of at least 25 feet and shall not be permitted to take photos. This is a feminist expression of freedom and power, not a peep show, pigs.

flame dancer

A woman should be able to dance nude while juggling open flames on stage without being ogled by men.

At the conclusion of the evening, we shall honor Arianrhod, Celtic goddess of the moon, beauty, fertility, and reincarnation, by watching Inception on a big screen. Popcorn will be provided.

We do this in open rebellion of our Mayor, who has thrown many of our members in prison simply for being in the Celtic Club. No doubt he will try to stop our celebration. Let him come. We await him eagerly with foam swords in hand.

We are determined to defend our right to practice our beliefs, so we shall make merry this Saturday, come what may, until the Great Mother Moon doth bless us with her glow, or when the park officially closes at 10pm.

We shall celebrate or perish. Happy holidays.

Happy Winter Solstice, ye merry Celts!

Happy Winter Solstice, ye merry Celts!

This Thanksgiving I’m going to splurge and eat a carb

I’m on a strict no-carb diet, and have been for two years now. But being the holidays, and given that I only ate monounsaturated diet B-vitamin soy candy, I figured this holiday I could splurge and eat a carb.

The only question is, which carb-loaded food item should I choose? Should I choose stuffing to go with my sodium-free soy meat turkey? Potatoes smothered with non-fat water-based farm-raised fish-oil gravy? Or perhaps a roll with melted non-hydrogenated preservative-free organic tofu margarine spread? So many choices to go with the delicious feast I have planned! Mmmm! It’s a shame so many of my invited guests have canceled again this year, because they are missing out.

Guess that means more local-grown negative-calorie celery and free-range tuna salad with pepper-water dressing for me!  Along with my gluten-free unrefined-flour artisan parsnip pie topped with my famous non-lactose greek-yogurt flaxseed whipped cream sprinkled with festive pine needles. I may even cut loose completely and put a marshmallow on top of my steel-cut black-bean omega-3 fatty acids faux non-sweet potatoes, just like mom used to make, provided I follow it up with my annual post-thanksgiving-calories shame run, where I just run for a really long time until I throw up. Ah, thanksgiving tradition.

Lyrics to “Auld Lang Syne” (It’s not “Old Long Sign”)

Happy New Year’s Eve, Byron City! Last year, I was at a party at Stepher’s house, sipping margaritas while watching Ryan Seacrest with Dick Clark broadcast from New York iwearing my favorite alpaca sweater. And as the clock struck twelve, people at the party sang that one New Year’s song, “Auld Something Whatever”. This is what most of them sang:

“Should old acquaintance be forgot
And (mumble mumble) light?
Should old acquaintance be forgot
And old long sign?”

“For old acquaintance be, my dear,
For something la la sign,
We’ll take the pup that was upset,
And old long sign.”

Unknown to most people, those are not the original words. Here are the official lyrics to Auld Lang Syne, the new year’s eve song:

“Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And days auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet
For auld lang syne!”

Oh, how I envy you, Dick Clark.

No wonder no one gets the words right. Half of it is German, and most people are drunk by midnight. At least counting down from ten is easy. Anyways, just thought I’d provide everyone with the CORRECT words, even if most of you will be kissing someone at midnight. I won’t be, unless of course Ryan Seacrest joins our party for reals! Haha, I’m just kidding. No really, I am. I’m not gay. I’m not! Stop it!

– Dr. Frederick

Turtle Doves: Not Mutant Flying Turtles

On the first day of Christmas, my true love wanted a very traditional christmas, so she got me a very “traditional” gift. It was not the leather massage recliner I asked for, nor the mini-helicopter. Nope. Instead of getting what you ask for, girls like to “surprise” you. And I have to admit, I was surprised. She got me two Turtle Doves.

I got HER a really nice watch. One of those watches with diamonds on them that costs WAY more than it should. And I got two Turtle Doves. At first I was like, “Cool! Flying Turtles! It’s like my boyhood fantasy of hanging out with the teenage mutant ninjas come true!” Not so. Turns out that Turtle Doves are just regular doves that have nothing to do with turtles. And they crap everywhere. Here’s a question to all of the scientists in charge of naming things: Why would you call one species by the name of a completely different species? How about Penguin Dogs? Sheep Monkeys? Sasquatch Unicorns? It makes no sense. It’s as though you just put the names of all the world’s animals into a big bag and the first name you pulled out, you tacked onto the front of “dove.” Here, let me help you rename the Turtle Dove to something more appropriate: Sucky Doves. Much better. Now I know exactly what kind of animal it is.

Blame it on scientists with all left brain and no right. At least Turtle Doves aren’t as annoying as four calling-birds she got me last year. The four eating-snakes at the community college seemed to like them better.

– Rashad

P.S. I’ve heard of something called the Turgarine (Turtle-Allagator-Wolverine). Not sure if it’s myth or real. Anyone know?

Beware of Christmas Ninjas

christmas ninjas

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a dead night.

Every Christmas, I warn people about Christmas Ninjas. And of course, no one listens.

Christmas ninjas are real, and without proper precautions, we could ALL end up on the naughty list. And by naughty list, I mean head-chopped-off-in-our-sleep list.

Christmas Ninjas originated at the beginning of the 15th century when European Christianity began to encroach upon feudal Japan, specifically condemning their mid-winter Shinto tradition, where the God of Ice, a gluttonous half-man, half-demon dressed in red and covered in white hair, would leave pickled blow-fish for the good children, and kidnap bad children in his giant bag and eat their intestines with a glass of goat milk. It was their happiest celebration (oh, how history repeats itself).

But with the surge of Christian missionaries in Japan, the people began to fight back to preserve their heritage. Thus, Christmas Ninjas were born. At first, their methods were to cause serious mischief to Christian foreigners: stealing a single sock out of the wash, hiding their keys, leaving the latrine seat up, leaving the cottage door open so all the bugs would get in, etc. But soon, when the missionaries happily ascribed all mischief to “Holiday Elves”,  Ninjas began incorporating more violent tactics: eye stealing, toe eating, brain-eating ear bugs, etc. Ever sit in bed, almost asleep, and feel something “bite” your toes? Christmas Ninjas. Ever wake up and half your toes have been bitten off? You’ve been really naughty.

Christmas Ninjas continue to this day, hidden under a veil of Christmas glee. And their mischief is almost entirely un-ascribed to them. They are that good. There was even a song written about them in the early 19th century, but the Ninjas killed the writers and changed the lyrics to keep the public unawares:

“You better not pout,
you better not cry,
you better not shout I’m telling you why.
Christmas Ninjas will plant a deadly, growing bamboo shoot in your stomach”

“They’re making a list, killing you twice
They already know if you’re naughty or nice
Christmas Ninjas are going to switch your toes to your hands and fingers to your feet.”

They see you when you’re sleeping.
They know when you’re awake.
They know if you’ve been bad or good,
so be good for the sake of not having your organs harvested.”

I hope we all are better aware now, and look out for Christmas Ninjas. It’s simple. Just don’t do anything bad. And if you have, put arsenic in the milk and cookies.

– Bill Grue

How to Subtly Tell Your Girlfriend She’s Getting Fat

Alright, dudes. I’ve been dating this girl lately, and she’s been getting a little fat (5 pounds in one month? Gross). Now all you guys out there know that this is a touchy subject for women, especially the fat ones, so I came up with a few ways to let her know subtly that she’s getting fat:

How to Subtly Tell Your Girlfriend She’s Getting Fat

1- After she orders anything, ask “You mean Diet, right?” even if she’s not ordering soda.
2- Hire someone to publicly call her fat in a really mean way, then comfort her when she comes crying to you, but do it without technically disagreeing with the assailant.
3- Buy her a subscription to a girl magazine: ANY girl magazine.
4- Groan like you’re carrying something really heavy anytime you pick up something she owns.
5- Pretend to suffocate a little when she gives you a hug.
6- Replace her normal mirror with one of those funhouse mirrors that will make her look REALLY fat.
7- Gradually decrease the width of the door frames in your home.
8- Hire a really skinny look-alike to be the “After” version of her.
9- Master the backhanded compliment: “You know honey, the girls in these magazines are skinny and beautiful, but I’d trade 4 or 5 of their waist-lines to be with you instead, any day. Gimme a kiss, baby.”
10- Pretend to suffocate a little when she kisses you.

Hope this helps, dudes.