Mayor Chuck Re-elected as Mayor of Byron City!

Re-Elected Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther

Re-Elected Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

In a whirlwind election, former Mayor Chuck Barther was re-elected to a post he had recently resigned from due to scandal, returning order and a sense of normality to a city left in turmoil and steeped in scandal.

“We don’t care about the scandal, we just want things to go back to normal, like when he was the mayor before,” said John Parks, a Byron City native, in a sentiment shared by a majority of voters yesterday.

When the polls closed at 9pm last night, it was already clear that Mayor Chuck was the winner, gathering in 72% of the vote. Other candidates included town hero Lady Cerridwen with 17%, town recluse Bill Grue with 6%, and Internet sensation Grumpy Cat with 5%.

grumpy cat

Platform slogan: “No Hope.”

The last-minute election was run by the State, who took over management of the city after Byron City’s most recent mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was arrested and charged with multiple counts of corruption and illegal activity.

When State officials were asked about whether Mayor Chuck should be allowed to take office given his past scandal, they stated, “Yea, sure, we’ll pardon him or whatever, anything to get this freak show of a town moving again. That statement is off the record, by the way. Don’t type that.”

Mayor Chuck did not campaign for or even vote in this special election, but since the news broke last night, he reportedly showed up for work at City Hall in exactly the same manner as he did before he resigned, dressed in a faded grey suit, carrying a briefcase and a brown-bag lunch.

“Go away. I have work to do,” Mayor Chuck said as he climbed the staircase for work. “And as for special plans, I’m getting this town back to normal and doing nothing, just like before. And I’m probably going to shut down our city blog that you write for. That’s when things started to get stupid around here. The internet is stupid.”

State Officials will continue to monitor things in Byron City, but have stated that they will no longer take an active part in the town’s day-to-day activities. “We’re leaving. This town is boring.”

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Special Mayoral Election to be held Monday

uncle same vote or dieState officials announced today that a special election will be held on Monday to determine the legitimate replacement mayor of Byron City. To avoid corruption and tampering, only paper ballot will be counted and no absentee or electronic ballots will be counted.

The announcement comes on the heels of the largest scandal ever to hit Byron City. After former Mayor Chuck resigned following allegations that he unlawfully appointed members to the City Counsel, allegedly because he was blackmailed, Mayor Sir Ryan was appointed in his stead by the City Counsel. After imposing many unusual and illegal laws, he was forcibly removed from office by the Celtic Club, went into hiding, and was later kidnapped and returned to Town Hall, restrained, next to a box full of incriminating evidence against him

Mayor Sir Ryan was immediately removed from office and is awaiting trial at the county jail.

All citizens are encouraged to register to vote by Monday. Government offices will remain open through the weekend to process registration, per order of the state. They have also ordered a background check into all City Council members and are considering shutting down the city blog, since maintaining an official city blog may not be lawful.

Based on a random telephone poll of 50 citizens, this is what the race so far is turning into.

Candidates for Mayor- The race so far (poll)

Lady Cerridwen, 33%Leader of Celtic Club and local hero for taking down Mayor Sir Ryan.
Bill Grue 33%Conspiracy theorist, responsible for kidnapping Mayor Sir Ryan and collecting evidence that led to his conviction. Currently missing.
Bob Van Daniels, 12%– local business owner of Sausage Fest
Jerry Mills, 9%– Dentist, humorist, and super excited to have fun
Chuck Barther, 7%– After resigning from office, would he ever consider taking back the city that turned its back on him?
Undecided, 6%

Medieval Mayor Removed From Office

Sir Ryan

Sir Ryan

Mayor of Byron City Sir Ryan has been forcibly removed from office by the State following proof of gross misconduct, including corruption, blackmail, extortion, intimidation, and misuse of power. He will more than likely face jail time.

State officials have taken over administration of city government because of the “Byron City Mayoral mess,” a series of screw ups in which the city council appointed Sir Ryan, and allowed him to run the government into the ground while plunging the entire city into virtual anarchy.

A special election will be held, overseen by the state, within the next few months.

For those unfamiliar with Mayor Sir Ryan, here is a timeline of his “reign of terror” as Byron City Mayor (and yes, that is his legal name, ‘Sir’ is his first name and ‘Ryan’ is his last; he had it legally changed when he turned 18 from the less “royal” name of Ryan Michonzski).

Mayor Sir Ryan Timeline

May 1, 2012

Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck accused of bribery and corruption

Jul 2,2012
Mayor Chuck denies allegations, resigns, gives press the middle finger

Aug 3, 2012
Sir Ryan Appointed Mayor by City Council

Sept 11, 2012
Sir Ryan unveils new “laws,” including:

  • Mandatory Medieval Fridays
  • Forces all restaurants to serve giant turkey legs
  • Commissions the building of a new LARP Arena
  • Exiles former Mayor Chuck
  • Forces a woman to be his girlfriend
  • Forces the High School Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad”
  • Outlawes the rival club, The Celtic Club
Sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Secret sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Sept 14, 2012

Celtic Club starts resistance movement to “Sir Ryan’s Reign of Terror”

Sept 25, 2012
Sir Ryan Accused of Muzzling the Press

Oct 29, 2012
Sir Ryan Enforces more unpopular changes, including:

  • Replaces streetlights with torchlight
  • Lowers speed limit to 10mph, the “max acceptable speed of a beast of burden.”
  • Shuts down bus service, replacing it with handcarts pulled by “serfs”
  • Turns fire department into convent of Gregorian monks

Oct 30, 2012
Celtic Club Resistance movement gains serious momentum

LARP Battle on the Elf Fantasy Fair, METRO 21-04-07Dec 22, 2012
Celtic Club holds a festival/protest on the grounds of City Hall. Mayor Sir Ryan dispatches his own private force of medieval club warriors to disperse the group, and a giant LARP battle commences. Mayor Sir Ryan is defeated and goes into hiding.

Jan 15, 2013
Police determine that Mayor Sir Ryan was being held hostage by Byron City citizen, survivalist and conspiracy theorist Bill Grue, most likely in one of his many emergency bunkers. Which one, the police were unable to determine.

Feb 11, 2013
After nearly two months missing, Sir Ryan turns up, duct taped to the wall of city hall with a box full of pictures, videos, and documents proving the occurrence of fraud, bribery, blackmail, misuse of power, intimidation, and illegal use of resources. (mission mayor found)

Today
It has been announced that a special election will be held within the month to elect a new LEGITIMATE mayor. Whole process to be overseen by the state, since Byron City has been deemed “inept.”

Missing Mayor Found, Duct-Taped to Town Hall

Town Hall erupted this morning as Byron City’s missing Mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was returned to the steps of Town Hall, duct taped to the wall just outside the front doors and gagged, with a box full of pictures, documents, and audiotapes left next to him with the label “Evidence.”

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Mayor Sir Ryan had been missing for over a month after a Celtic Club celebration in front of Town Hall turned into an impromptu LARP battle between the Celtic Club and their rival, the Renaissance Club. The Mayor, himself a Renaissance Club leader, led the LARP assault, but in the end was defeated. There was no word or sight of him since.

In his absence, all official Mayor duties were carried out by Deputy Mayor Brian Havig and Mayor Sir Ryan’s right hand man, the Sarcastic Thief. Havig has stated that it has been hard to get any work done, since he’s not sure if the sarcastic thief actually likes his ideas or if he’s just being mean.

Then last week, local conspiracy theorist and camouflage enthusiast Bill Grue announced in a blog post, that he had indeed found and captured the Mayor and had him tied up in one of his bunkers. Local law enforcement was unable to find the Mayor since Grue reportedly has many emergency bunkers hidden all over Byron City, primarily for hurricanes, wildfires, chemical warfare, a second Obama presidency, suspension of guns laws, gay marriage, and the zombie apocalypse.

It is believed that initial inspection by law enforcement of the box marked “Evidense” has uncovered proof of wrongdoing and illegal activity of the unpopular Mayor during his short time as Mayor, including bribery, misuse of power, mismanagement of funds, and forcing of a certain citizen to be his girlfriend (allegedly Stephanie Banks-Dickson, a married woman whom he is known to have had a crush on).

We will provide more information as it becomes available.

Beyoncé Lip-Synced at the Inauguration? My world just shattered

Beyonce lip-synch

Like every other patriotic American, I watched President Obama’s inauguration to view a historic event unfold in real time. And also to see Jennifer Hudson, Jay Z, Katy Perry, James Taylor, Kelly Clarkson, and especially, Beyoncé. My fave diva of all time behind Madonna and Lady Gaga.

But I just heard that Beyoncé lip-synched her inauguration performance. Lip-synced! That’s right, it was all a sham. The only true sound coming from the stage at that time was the sound of my world shattering. Is nothing real anymore? My hopes and dreams have all been crushed. Someone call Chris Angel and tell him there is no magic in the world.

I mean, I can’t believe it is true. I watched and re-watched her song many times: her enthusiastic hand gestures, the veins popping out of her neck, and her removing the earpiece because she’s so awesome she doesn’t need no earpiece to touch the hearts of America. All of it, lies? Say it ain’t so, Sasha Fierce!

I haven’t felt this let down since I found out Katy Perry and Russell Brand were getting divorced. Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day hiding under my bed eating saltines and listening to “Mad World” on a loop.

Protest Turns into giant LARP Battle

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Byron City – The Celtic Club’s Winter Solstice Festival turned into a full on LARP Battle when the Medieval Club showed up to forcibly shut it down, leaving hundreds of teens and college students pretend injured and fake dead.

The Festival, held as both a celebration and an open protest against the unpopular, newly appointed Mayor Sir Ryan, commenced despite threats from the Mayor to arrest anyone in attendance. Sir Ryan, himself a member of the Medieval Club, has also passed other unpopular laws, such as forcing restaurants to add giant turkey legs to their menu, spending the local library’s entire budget on Game Guides, and forcing the Byron High Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad.”

Celtic Club members began their festival Saturday at 11am on the grounds of Town Hall, choosing the spot purposefully in order to “annoy the mayor.” Mayor Sir Ryan responded by dispatching his own force of over 200 “medieval body guards,” armed with foam swords and shields and drunk on “Courage Mead” (Mountain Dew). The LARP battle began immediately, with Mayor Sir Ryan himself joining the fray (photo).

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Mayor Sir Ryan leaping into action to defeat a Celtic Club protestor outside Town Hall.

Calls flooded the local 911 call center for nearly an hour, though no action was taken since “nerdy teens doing something weird” as callers described it is not technically illegal.

By the end of the conflict, the Celtic Club had taken over the Town Hall, raised their flag, and began distributing free butter beer while singing a Gaelic victory hymn before the real police arrived and dispersed the crowd.

Mayor Sir Ryan disappeared with his closest aids after the battle and has not been seen since.

Celtic Club attributes its victory to the fact that it was “fighting for freedom and the very right to exist.” They admit that some of the victory may be due to the fact that they have more “hot girls” than the medieval club, and many nerds willingly let a girl beat them for the chance to talk to her later and maybe going to The Hobbit or something next weekend.

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Medieval Club soldier purposefully “going easy” on rival Celtic Club soldier for the chance to talk to her after.

Celtic Club = Resistance Movement

New Mayor Sir Ryan has imposed some incredibly strange laws lately, and has shown that he is not messing around. Currently, the city jail is overflowing with “law-breakers,” including people who forgot to wear renaissance clothes on “Medieval Fridays” and vegan restaurant owners who refused to serve giant turkey legs on their menu. However, it would appear that most inmates are members of the Celtic Club, a group hated by Sir Ryan as the rival group to his Medieval Club, and the latest group to rebel against the new laws.

When Sir Ryan became mayor, he passed a law banning the Celtic Club. Threatening jail time to anyone caught “Celtic Clubbing,” it’s members were forced underground. But it looks like membership in the club, instead of shrinking, is beginning to swell as a resistance movement to the leadership of the increasingly unpopular Mayor Sir Ryan.

Members have been meeting in secret, only publicly identifiable by the shamrock pins they wear on their jackets, and by exchanging a secret “Stonehendge Handshake” that I haven’t seen in person yet. They are believed to be planning the beginning stages of a revolt, along with deciding the theme to next years Spring “Druids and Daisies” Festival, both of which fills Sir Ryan with absolute terror.

My source inside the Mayor’s office tells me that Sir Ryan may be planning something drastic soon to thin out their numbers.

Mayor Chuck, former mayor of Byron City who was driven out of office due to unethical activity, is still missing, and is sorely missed by us citizens. Several people have posted signs reading “Bring Back Chuck!” Those signs have been confiscated and the citizens who posted them have been fined for disturbing the peace.

I’m a gossip columnist, but today I’m turning political activist. I encourage anyone reading to join the Celtic Club resistance movement. If you desire to do so, simply pin a clover to your jacket and wait. Don’t try to contact them, they will contact you. Since I will most likely be arrested for this post, I have decided to go “underground” and will continue posting in secret.

May the Celtic Goddess Andraste help us all.