Sir Ryan Appointed New Mayor of Byron City

In a shocking announcement this morning  from the City Council of Byron City, it has been revealed that Sir Ryan has officially been appointed the new Mayor of Byron City.

Mayor Sir Ryan

The appointment was announced during a press conference this morning with key members of the City Council. After much speculation as to who would be appointed as new mayor to replace the disgraced and resigned Mayor Chuck. Although Sir Ryan was a rumoured consideration, most citizens considered him a long shot because of how weird he is.

But the “weird factor” did not seem to be an issue with the City Council.

“We considered a lot of great people, but in the end, Sir Ryan was the one we thought most capable and suitable to give us all what we need. Especially that piece of land sitting behind my house that past mayors wouldn’t let me buy since it’s a nature preserve. That’s probably something really good he could give to certain cooperative citizens. And maybe some Manolo Blahniks,” said council member Laurel Sandberg wrapped in a fur coat, even though it’s the middle of august.

“Sir Ryan will make an excellent, kind, and generous mayor, and will never in a million years threaten the peace of me and my family or expose past embarrassments that may or may not have occurred during some awkward stages in my life. All praise Sir Ryan!” said a slightly nervous looking council member Brian Havig.

But not all citizens were as supportive or excited about the appointment.

“This is #$^;(*@! There’s no way the council chose that faggy little minstrel over me,” said citizen and former mayor hopeful Bob Van Daniels. “Something fishy is going on here, and I won’t rest until I find out what. I rarely sleep anyways, mostly because I don’t need to sleep because I kick serious balls all day and all night, but as of this moment I’m devoting all of my ball-kicking time to Sir Ryan’s balls! Watch your back!”

Sir Ryan’s female rivals seemed equally displayed. “Something foul stenches the air, yonder. A bleak and heavy cloud accompanies the humour of that louse. To him wilst I cast a pox, and unfetter his mealworm’ed treachery,” said the outspoken Lady Cerridwen, leader of the city’s Celtic Club, rival group of Sir Ryan’s Medieval Club.

Sir Ryan could not be reached for comment, but his campaign representative, a man dressed as a jester who calls himself Dave, handed a statement to the press written on scroll parchment that said, “Hark! Verily the day of reckoning is at hand. Ye shall all bow before the rod of Mayor Ryan, else’t the rod of power which should be so tender at this moment will grow hard and strike thee down in furious retribution. And you’re not allowed to make any ‘That’s What She Said’ jokes about my rod of power. You know what I mean. Grow up.”

Dark days may be ahead for Byron City. Dark Days.

Who Will Be the Next Mayor of Byron City? (Part 2)

Last week we posted a list of potential candidates to fill in as a short-term mayor until actual elections in 2014.  Unfortunately, several candidates were left off the list…all of them female.  This has led to rumors of sabotage and gender-discrimination that we are putting to rest by posting the additional candidates here.

Willow VanWess
Willow teaches creative writing at Byron High School.  She is already active in the community and has shown her skills with public organization by getting a few members of the town to participate in Occupy Byron City.

Pros:
She uses better grammar than most of the other candidates.  She will also be able to inform the rest of the city council when it’s appropriate to use apostrophes, which will help in clarifying a lot of the councils proposal’s.

Cons:
It is rumored she will try to replace all school cafeterias with organic gardens to teach students how to produce, harvest, and cook their own food.  Animals will only be used to fertilize the garden, denying them their God-given right to be delicious.

Michelle Stevens
Michelle is the head chef at Le Tableau; Byron City’s only two-and-a-half star restaurant.  She has three children and considers being an “awesome mom” her most important contribution to the town.

Pros:
She’s learned how to balance career and family while still looking great and winning Byron City’s annual “Most Coveted Lawn” award.  If made mayor, you can bet she’ll make this town look better than a Norman Rockwell painting.

Cons:
Some are skeptical as to her abilities to run a family, a restaurant, and a town.  Stevens claims that she’s perfectly capable.  Each new responsibility just adds another shot in her morning cappuccino, lunchtime latte, afternoon coffee break and red-bull vodka (only on the weekend).

Lady Cerridwen
Lady Cerridwen is a former member of Byron City’s Medieval Club, but has now gone rogue.  She claims she left due to “…the tyrannical rule of Sir Ryan, who violently quelled opposition through means most base, and forbade the Order of the Goddess from having a voice in the Club’s councils.  I say to you, Sir Ryan… Pog Mahon!”

Pros:
Lady Cerridwen has been known to speak modern English when it is appropriate and could act as a translator for members of the Medieval Club.  She has also promised to eliminate any future threats of giant bats with appeals to Cernunnos, though no one is familiar with that extermination company.

Cons:
She would institute Gaelic holidays and celebrations even though most of the town is not Irish.  She has also threatened to cast spells on those who oppose her, and witchcraft has not been approved by the city council.

Laurel Sandberg-Armstrong
Laurel is a recent addition-and currently the only female-on Byron’s City Council.  She and her husband moved to Byron City only ten years ago, have a new baby, and are hoping to start a theater company.  Though currently the only stage is in Byron High School’s gym, she is sure the citizens wouldn’t mind a “fun tax” to pay for a new, state-of-the-art theater.

Pros:
She relates well to the women of the town who admire her ability to create big hair without a Bumpit.  She also used to be a professional performer who has toured nationally and apparently had a job singing 50’s music at an American-themed diner in Japan.  She will be a breath of fresh air for the small town of Byron.

Cons:
Theater people are weird.

Stephanie Banks-Dickson
Stephanie is the owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming and has also helped with community involvement by organizing Byron City’s first talent show and dog show in the last year.  She says getting involved in the race was a no-brainer once her BFF (and fellow running-mate) Dr. Evan Fredrick told her he would drop-out if she ran so he could be her personal assistant and pick her wardrobe.

Pros:
She is a local business owner and entrepreneur, and is very well known to many of Byron City’s dog-owners…at least the well-groomed ones.   She says her experience in pageants will help her be an effective leader, “…because I gained confidence, knowledge about myself, and learned that when you look awesome, people care about what you say.”

Cons:
It is worried that she may enact “grooming laws” for dogs, under the pretense of increasing public health and cuteness, but it would also conveniently funnel more business into Faux Paws.

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The council is set to make a decision by the end of the week. But not all response to this women’s movement has been positive. An anonymous email was sent to the Byron Gazette decrying the consideration of females to the mayorship.

“I will front this injudicious post!  They are all vain, flap-mouthed strumpets!  They must give subscription to their masters!  Perpend on your wifely duties fair fiends, else hie thee to a nunnery!”

Regardless, the Council has confirmed they are considering females, too, and hopefully make the historic decision to appoint Byron City’s first ever female Mayor.

 

Who Will Be Byron City’s New Mayor?

As most citizens of Byron City know by now, Mayor Chuck, despite his popularity among the people, has resigned amidst bribery and corruption allegations. And without a Mayor, City Council has been tasked with appointing a new Mayor that will assume all mayoral duties until the regular official election is held October of 2014.

As of yet, the council hasn’t named a replacement, but I’ve compiled the following list of those most likely being considered, along with those most vigorously campaigning for the appointment.

Potential Candidates for New Mayor

Sir Ryan
As the head of Byron City’s Medieval Club, Sir Ryan is the most colorful personality in this race. Smart, ambitious, and the last member of the City Council appointed by Mayor Chuck before his resignation.

Pros
He has made a lot of very specific campaign promises to lots of citizens already, and seems to have a lot of friends from the medieval club that do whatever he asks.

Cons
Sir Ryan only talks in “Olde English,” which alienates him from most citizens. He has proposed some odd laws during his short time on City Council and has been accused of getting his place on the council only as an illegal political favor for ending the Occupy Byron City movement. Some have even reported hearing Sir Ryan “swear vengeance” on the entire town when the Renaissance Festival from this past summer didn’t go well. He has also been accused of orchestrating the entire bribery and corruption scandal that put Mayor Chuck out of office in a brilliantly evil plan to usurp power over the town, an accusation Sir Ryan calls “Preposterous.”

“Nay, a’pox on those fiends who doth accuse me so raucously, and may the poison wilt the idle ghosts whose wagging tongue ne’er a grave be brought back forth and thrice again,” remarked Sir Ryan about the accusations while working his shift at KFC. No one is really sure what he meant by that.

Bob Van Daniels
Originally asked by Sir Ryan to be his Vice Mayor (as a campaign promise for his support), Mr. Van Daniels decided he didn’t “want to be number two to anyone. I’m number one or nothin’, baby. Woohoo! Suck it!”

Pros
Ambitious, enthusiastic, and as owner of Hold onto Your Buds Flower Shop and Sausage Fest Restaurant, he is one of Byron City’s most successful businessmen. He has also made some very specific campaign promises in his last blog post, including abolishing all taxes and making sure all librarians in the Byron City Library are “hot.”

Cons
Many people in town either strongly like or strongly dislike his business ventures. Many people also find his personality a bit too “aggressive and offensive.” In response, Mr. Van Daniels has said, “Screw you, that’s fine, if you don’t think I’m the most awesome man on the planet, then it’s probably because you’re Mayor of Super Lame Town, so go ahead and suck duck’s balls, I’m going to go be Mayor of Byron #!*&@-ing City,” after which he lit an M-80 firecracker and threw it at a passing car.

Brian Havig- Deputy Mayor
Served as Deputy mayor under Mayor Chuck and on the City Council since 1992.

Pros
Seems to be the most obvious choice. He has the most experience and could easily pick up where Mayor Chuck left off. He’s also the head of the City Council.

Cons
Mr. Havig does not seem very eager to take on the role. It is rumored that Mr. Havig spends his free time on his “passion” of making costumes of every character on Star Wars, and only accepted the role of Deputy Mayor from Mayor Chuck because the Mayor agreed to let him wear his Han Solo outfit to work once in awhile. There’s also the issue of Mr. Havig being engaged to a 26-year-old he met at Comic Con, an age difference most citizens find “off putting.”

David Lurkes
City Historian, he has lived in Byron City his entire life

Pros
He knows everything about Byron City and knows everyone in it. He is one of Byron City’s best known citizens.

Cons
No one has talked to David Lurkes in person for 3 years. Possibly has become a shut in.

Dr. Evan Frederick
Dr. Frederick, who practices family medicine in Byron,  has been going door to door asking for support in the upcoming race.

Pros
“I’m smarter and more educated than most people in this town, I exercise more, and I remember to clear the microwave timer when I finish heating something before the time runs out, unlike SOME people in this city,” said Dr. Frederick in an unsolicited telephone interview with me about the mayoral appointment.

Cons
Unofficially diagnosed with OCD and, according to most citizens, “acts a little gay.”

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City Council is expected to announce a decision early next week.

Mayor Chuck Indicted, Sir Ryan for Mayor, Sarcastic Thief Makes Judge Cry- Byron City News Digest

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther Indicted

Byron City Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther was indicted yesterday on charges of unlawfully appointing citizens to City Counsel in exchange for political favors.

Mayor Chuck

Mayor Barther allegedly gave Byron City resident Sir Ryan a place on City Counsel in exchange for removing his Byron City Medieval Club friends from the Occupy Byron City protests late last year.

That same Sir Ryan is reported to also be the one spreading evidence of the crime and his unlawful appointment.

“Hark! I thus tempted the Mayor to commit the illegal act in order to reveal the treachery and corruption that lay in the heart of our govern’ment. I did it with only the good of the city in mind,” said Sir Ryan with his right arm stretched to the sky while a friend played a recorder-flute behind him.

“There’s no evidence except for a doctored tape made by a man who’s latest contribution to City Counsel was a proposal for a subsidy on multicolored tights,” responded Mayor Chuck. “This is a power grab, plain and simple. He can expect a libel suit when this is over.”

Sir Ryan Announces Mayoral Bid

Byron City resident Sir Ryan has announced that he is running to occupy the Office of Mayor once “Mayor Chuck has been kicked out.”

Sir Ryan

Mayoral Re-election is not scheduled to happen until October of 2014, but that has not stopped Sir Ryan from accusing Mayor Chuck of corruption and abuse of power and demanding he be named the new Mayor. He has gone so far as to make very specific and lofty campaign promises to citizens.

“He promised me the City’s first ever cage-free, free-range, organic, fair-trade, wind-powered, locally farm grown coffee shop! I couldn’t be more excited!” said citizen Willow Van Wess, city Liberal.

“He promised to make me Vice Mayor. Which totally kicks major boot-ay. This town would totally stop sucking if I ran things. Let me introduce you to my cabinet: Annabelle and BoomBoom,” said Bob Van Daniels indicating his biceps.

Not all citizens were swayed by Sir Ryan’s campaign promises. “He promised me he’d build the first gay bar in Byron City. But I’m not gay, so I’m not sure why he’d promise me that,” said citizen Dr. Evan Frederick. “No, really, I’m not. Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sarcastic Thief Sentenced, Makes Judge Cry

The thief accused of holding up a gas station with nothing but sarcasm was sentenced to 2 years in prison today. It sentence was originally set for five years but was reduced when lawyers pointed out that the thief used no deadly force or threat, and even more so after the suspect belittled the judge to the point of tears.

“Oh wow, look at your robs, you look sooOOooOOoo regal and intimidating. I’m totally standing out of respect, and not because I’m being forced to,” the thief said upon rising when the judge first entered the courtroom.

The thief spent the rest of the trial sighing loudly and bobbling his head while making jazz hands and saying “OoooooOOooo I’m sooo bad,” anytime the prosecution spoke condemningly of his crime.

After dropping the thief’s sentence from five to three years, the thief replied “Wow, I’m totally scared of prison. And I was totally fooled by your toupee, your honor,” while using air quotes while saying both “fooled” and “your honor.”

The Judge broke into tears, reduced the sentence to two years, then swiftly instructed the bailiff to get the “big meanie” out of his courtroom.