People ask me all the time, “Are you a cat or a dog person?” And I always respond, “Do I look like a brain-dead idiot to you? Of course I like cats. Dogs can go kill themselves.” And then I open a beer with my teeth and pour it on top of their heads. Yea, I do that. And yes, I always have a beer in my back pocket for just such an occasion.
Why such an antagonistic, aggressive stance against dogs, you wonder? Well the reason is simple. Cats are awesome. They aren’t just for crazy old ladies and lonely women’s studies grad school students anymore. Cats are for manly, strong, independent men, and my cat could kick your dog’s anus, any day of the week, and he’d do it while napping on your face.
1- They Can Take Care of Themselves, Dammit
I’m a busy man. When I leave home for work, and don’t come back for 12-16 hours, my cat doesn’t freak out and start chewing up the furniture while rubbing his butt all over the carpet. When I get home, my cat simply raises his head from his resting position and looks at me as if to say, “oh you stepped out? I didn’t even notice.” And then he goes back to sleep. I don’t have to treat my cat like a pussy.
2- They Don’t Take Your Crap
When my cat does something I don’t like, he doesn’t whimper in a corner with his tail between his legs pissing all over himself for me to forgive him and give him a doggy treat. He fights back. When I pull out the rolled up newspaper, he springs his retractable claws (another awesome attribute that dogs don’t have), arches his back and tells me to “bring it on, fat man.” We fight it out, then hug it out, and I give him a kitty treat out of pure respect, not out of pity.
3 – Cats Purr, Dogs Annoy
My cat purrs when he’s happy, which has been scientifically proven to be the most relaxing, beautiful sound in the world. Your dog? He barks like an idiot and humps something. Nothing relaxing or beautiful about that.
4- You Have to Earn Their Respect
When you come over to visit, my cat doesn’t run up and start slobbering all over you while humping your leg. He hides. Why? He doesn’t know you, loser. Why in the world would he lather his affections over someone he’s never met? You know who does that? Dogs, psychos, and slutty whores.
When I first got my cat, he stalked me for three weeks and attacked spontaneously until I had earned his respect and the right to scratch his adorable, soft head. So if he likes you, it’s because you’re literally awesome.
5- Cats Are Always the Correct Size
Dogs that are so small they can’t help but shake all of the time should be put out of their misery and fed to their rat cousins. Dogs that are too big… my cat is tough enough to scare the non-existent nuts off of a Great Dane. Cats are always the right size. Dogs don’t know what the hell is going on with their varying sizes.
6- Cats Know Vomit and Crap is Gross
My cat on vomit: “You see that vomit I made? Yea, you’re going to clean it up. I’m not going to eat it like I didn’t just do something disgusting and putrid. I have self respect.” Well said, cat. Well said. The dog? “Hey, I wonder what this tastes like?”
My cat’s bathroom? A box located in a single location that he returns to every single time he needs to do his business. A dog’s bathroom? Anywhere it gets the urge. The floor, your shoe, your bag, anywhere. And then he’ll sniff it. Maybe if he’s feeling it, he’ll eat it, too. Point: Cats.
7– Cats Actually Kill Things
Some people say cats are essentially useless creatures and that dogs are great for protection. My cat has actually killed a rat before. And a bird that flew into an open window. People who get dogs for protection will be surprised when a prowler breaks in and he runs away with his ears down and pisses in the dryer. And then takes a nap in the space where your TV used to be.
8- When I die, my cat will eat me
When you die, your dog will be all sad and lie next to your body and whimper and be all mopey and crap. Lame. My cat? He’ll actually eat my body for me when I’m gone. That not only takes balls, but it’s your cat’s way of saying, “I win, you lose, you’re now lunch.” It’s like a samurai cutting off the head of a defeated foe he respected on the battlefield. How is that not the best death tribute you could ever have?
9 – Cats Won’t Let You Dress them like Idiots
Your dog will let you put clothes on him: lame “Hot Dog” Halloween costumes, Santa outfits, stupid little sweaters in the fall so their body that’s already covered in warming fur doesn’t get cold, etc. There’s seemingly no indignity that your dog won’t willingly suffer.
But my cat…I once bought him a little santa hat for our annual Christmas card photo. He pulled it off immediately and the next day I found it buried in his little box. Message received, little bro. I’ll never disrespect you like that again. Please accept this empty drinking straw as an apology.
10 –Dogs Stink More When You Clean Them, Cats Clean Themselves
Dogs need to be bathed, and when you try to, they don’t sit still. They jump out of the tub, they whimper, they shake themselves off and get slimy dog juice everywhere, and when you’re done, they smell worse than when you started. Cats clean themselves. And they look freaking adorable when they do it. Checkmate.
I love my freaking cat, so shut your face
I’m a manly man who owns 97 guns, has a goatee that would reverse your grandma’s menopause, and who loves his cat. I’m proud of it. And when that little bugger dies I will cry like a little girl and break all the other tombstones in the pet cemetery out of raw, unbridled grief. And now you know why. Because cats are awesome. When I need to pull a sleigh across the arctic, I’ll give you a call, dogs.