I did not genetically engineer giant bats to win an election

From the Office of the Mayor:

It seems silly that I should have to defend myself on this matter, but due to recent events in which nasty and false accusations have been hurled against me, I feel I must mention that I did not illegally bribe protestors from Occupy Byron City in order to get them to give up their protest, and I did not genetically engineer giant bats to win an election. If I had that power, I would probably be doing something else with those remarkable abilities besides being using it to scare the citizens of my hometown. Like fighting crime, or scaring drifters.

These accusations were made against me by a “mysterious cloaked man,” who planted envelopes on the doorsteps of several of our most prominent citizens. After a prompt investigation by my staff, and by using just common sense that any idiot should possess, it appears that the “cloaked stranger” was none other than Byron City’s own Sir Ryan.

The stunt he pulled, including the letters and the un-keepable promises he made, was just a feeble attempt to discredit me and propel himself into my Mayoral seat in order to satisfy some misguided attempt at revenge and immoral grab for power. I’m not sure how he thought this would work. He doesn’t even have a last name, speaks only in old English, and only showers, quote, “once every fortnight.” Someone who still believes that the earth is flat* and keeps a notebook of “People I Know Who Are Also Witches”** has no business running our town.

It is true, however, that as Mayor, I used my power to place Sir Ryan on the city council late last year—a power given to me by the articles of our town written at the founding of our city. And it is by that same power that I remove him from the counsel, effective immediately. Turn in your key card and parking pass, then go suck a duck.

– Mayor “Chuck” Barther

* Sir Ryan made this belief known to us on many occasions during city council planning meetings

** Added my name to the list after I told him we didn’t have the budget for a “Lute Festival” this summer. He didn’t think I saw it, but I did.


4 thoughts on “I did not genetically engineer giant bats to win an election

  1. Pingback: Mayor Chuck Indicted, Sir Ryan for Mayor, Sarcastic Thief Makes Judge Cry- Byron City News Digest | The City of Byron City

  2. Pingback: Mayor Chuck Resigns! – Byron City News Digest | The City of Byron City

  3. Pingback: Special Mayoral Election to be held Monday | The City of Byron City

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