How to tell your kids you’re not voting for Obama this year

It’s a tough situation. Your kids come over from the city for the weekend before the election, decked out in Obama shirts, buttons, and rally signs, and ask if you’re ready to vote this year.  “Yes, of course I am,” you answer. They didn’t seem to notice there are no Obama signs in your front yard, that you change the subject every time they bring up how much they hate Mitt Romney, or the Book of Mormon sitting on the hall table.

How do you break it to your kids that you’re NOT voting for Obama this year?

You know what I mean, right? Sure, 2008 was great, and for a moment after you voted for Obama, you felt pretty cool. You went with the guy all the young kids were voting for, you helped elect the first black president, and your own kids thought you were the coolest parents ever. That lasted about a week. Then we went back to not being cool and they went back to ignoring us except when they want us to pay their smart phone bill again.

So being cool for a bit was fun and all, but I think I’ll go back to voting how I usually vote. I’m just not sure how to tell my kids, “I’m not really a liberal. I was just experimenting.”

So I did some brainstorming and came up with a few thoughts on how to subtlety, or not so subtlety, break it to your kids.

How to tell your kids you’re not voting for Obama this year:

  1. Tell them you’ll vote for Obama when the job market improves to the point that they can get a job and move out of your basement.
  2. Confess you never really liked using youtube and twitter to follow politics anyways.
  3. Leave a binder marked “Women” somewhere they’ll see it.
  4. Put a question mark next to your 2008 Obama “HOPE” poster and leave it somewhere they’ll see it.
  5. Mention that you’re just really excited Sarah Palin isn’t on the Republican ticket this year.
  6. Say, “Your father and I are getting a divorce.” When they start to cry, say, “Just kidding. We’re just not voting for Obama this year.” It will make not voting for Obama seem less important.
  7. Mention that, since you pay to fill up their gas twice a week, you’re not that excited to vote for a president who doesn’t like drilling.
  8. Say that even though you don’t actually believe in all the “birther” rumors, you don’t really consider Hawaii a part of the US either.
  9. Tell them Joe Biden hit on their mother.
  10. Say you’ll vote for Obama as soon as they stop “occupying wall street” and start occupying their own apartment.
  11. Tell them that it’s been long enough after George W. Bush that you don’t feel so crazy scared of republicans anymore.
  12. Tell them you’re just trying to disprove the old adage, “Once you go black…”
  13. Teach them a valuable lesson: a kiss is not a contract, and killing Bin Laden is not a vote.
  14. Now that “change has come to American,” you’re kinda ready for it to change back to the way things were when everyone had money.
  15. Tell them you’d rather be right than cool.

So there it is, I hope this helps. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few copies of “The Audacity of Hope” I want to put on eBay.

Sir Ryan Appointed New Mayor of Byron City

In a shocking announcement this morning  from the City Council of Byron City, it has been revealed that Sir Ryan has officially been appointed the new Mayor of Byron City.

Mayor Sir Ryan

The appointment was announced during a press conference this morning with key members of the City Council. After much speculation as to who would be appointed as new mayor to replace the disgraced and resigned Mayor Chuck. Although Sir Ryan was a rumoured consideration, most citizens considered him a long shot because of how weird he is.

But the “weird factor” did not seem to be an issue with the City Council.

“We considered a lot of great people, but in the end, Sir Ryan was the one we thought most capable and suitable to give us all what we need. Especially that piece of land sitting behind my house that past mayors wouldn’t let me buy since it’s a nature preserve. That’s probably something really good he could give to certain cooperative citizens. And maybe some Manolo Blahniks,” said council member Laurel Sandberg wrapped in a fur coat, even though it’s the middle of august.

“Sir Ryan will make an excellent, kind, and generous mayor, and will never in a million years threaten the peace of me and my family or expose past embarrassments that may or may not have occurred during some awkward stages in my life. All praise Sir Ryan!” said a slightly nervous looking council member Brian Havig.

But not all citizens were as supportive or excited about the appointment.

“This is #$^;(*@! There’s no way the council chose that faggy little minstrel over me,” said citizen and former mayor hopeful Bob Van Daniels. “Something fishy is going on here, and I won’t rest until I find out what. I rarely sleep anyways, mostly because I don’t need to sleep because I kick serious balls all day and all night, but as of this moment I’m devoting all of my ball-kicking time to Sir Ryan’s balls! Watch your back!”

Sir Ryan’s female rivals seemed equally displayed. “Something foul stenches the air, yonder. A bleak and heavy cloud accompanies the humour of that louse. To him wilst I cast a pox, and unfetter his mealworm’ed treachery,” said the outspoken Lady Cerridwen, leader of the city’s Celtic Club, rival group of Sir Ryan’s Medieval Club.

Sir Ryan could not be reached for comment, but his campaign representative, a man dressed as a jester who calls himself Dave, handed a statement to the press written on scroll parchment that said, “Hark! Verily the day of reckoning is at hand. Ye shall all bow before the rod of Mayor Ryan, else’t the rod of power which should be so tender at this moment will grow hard and strike thee down in furious retribution. And you’re not allowed to make any ‘That’s What She Said’ jokes about my rod of power. You know what I mean. Grow up.”

Dark days may be ahead for Byron City. Dark Days.

Who Will Be Byron City’s New Mayor?

As most citizens of Byron City know by now, Mayor Chuck, despite his popularity among the people, has resigned amidst bribery and corruption allegations. And without a Mayor, City Council has been tasked with appointing a new Mayor that will assume all mayoral duties until the regular official election is held October of 2014.

As of yet, the council hasn’t named a replacement, but I’ve compiled the following list of those most likely being considered, along with those most vigorously campaigning for the appointment.

Potential Candidates for New Mayor

Sir Ryan
As the head of Byron City’s Medieval Club, Sir Ryan is the most colorful personality in this race. Smart, ambitious, and the last member of the City Council appointed by Mayor Chuck before his resignation.

Pros
He has made a lot of very specific campaign promises to lots of citizens already, and seems to have a lot of friends from the medieval club that do whatever he asks.

Cons
Sir Ryan only talks in “Olde English,” which alienates him from most citizens. He has proposed some odd laws during his short time on City Council and has been accused of getting his place on the council only as an illegal political favor for ending the Occupy Byron City movement. Some have even reported hearing Sir Ryan “swear vengeance” on the entire town when the Renaissance Festival from this past summer didn’t go well. He has also been accused of orchestrating the entire bribery and corruption scandal that put Mayor Chuck out of office in a brilliantly evil plan to usurp power over the town, an accusation Sir Ryan calls “Preposterous.”

“Nay, a’pox on those fiends who doth accuse me so raucously, and may the poison wilt the idle ghosts whose wagging tongue ne’er a grave be brought back forth and thrice again,” remarked Sir Ryan about the accusations while working his shift at KFC. No one is really sure what he meant by that.

Bob Van Daniels
Originally asked by Sir Ryan to be his Vice Mayor (as a campaign promise for his support), Mr. Van Daniels decided he didn’t “want to be number two to anyone. I’m number one or nothin’, baby. Woohoo! Suck it!”

Pros
Ambitious, enthusiastic, and as owner of Hold onto Your Buds Flower Shop and Sausage Fest Restaurant, he is one of Byron City’s most successful businessmen. He has also made some very specific campaign promises in his last blog post, including abolishing all taxes and making sure all librarians in the Byron City Library are “hot.”

Cons
Many people in town either strongly like or strongly dislike his business ventures. Many people also find his personality a bit too “aggressive and offensive.” In response, Mr. Van Daniels has said, “Screw you, that’s fine, if you don’t think I’m the most awesome man on the planet, then it’s probably because you’re Mayor of Super Lame Town, so go ahead and suck duck’s balls, I’m going to go be Mayor of Byron #!*&@-ing City,” after which he lit an M-80 firecracker and threw it at a passing car.

Brian Havig- Deputy Mayor
Served as Deputy mayor under Mayor Chuck and on the City Council since 1992.

Pros
Seems to be the most obvious choice. He has the most experience and could easily pick up where Mayor Chuck left off. He’s also the head of the City Council.

Cons
Mr. Havig does not seem very eager to take on the role. It is rumored that Mr. Havig spends his free time on his “passion” of making costumes of every character on Star Wars, and only accepted the role of Deputy Mayor from Mayor Chuck because the Mayor agreed to let him wear his Han Solo outfit to work once in awhile. There’s also the issue of Mr. Havig being engaged to a 26-year-old he met at Comic Con, an age difference most citizens find “off putting.”

David Lurkes
City Historian, he has lived in Byron City his entire life

Pros
He knows everything about Byron City and knows everyone in it. He is one of Byron City’s best known citizens.

Cons
No one has talked to David Lurkes in person for 3 years. Possibly has become a shut in.

Dr. Evan Frederick
Dr. Frederick, who practices family medicine in Byron,  has been going door to door asking for support in the upcoming race.

Pros
“I’m smarter and more educated than most people in this town, I exercise more, and I remember to clear the microwave timer when I finish heating something before the time runs out, unlike SOME people in this city,” said Dr. Frederick in an unsolicited telephone interview with me about the mayoral appointment.

Cons
Unofficially diagnosed with OCD and, according to most citizens, “acts a little gay.”

____________________________________________

City Council is expected to announce a decision early next week.

Who to vote for: The rich guy, the open-marriage guy, the sweater-vest guy, or the anarchy guy

I’m about to go to the Byron City Republican Primary Caucus tonight, and I’m undecided on who I should vote for.

I voted for Barak Obama last time, but I’m not this time because I don’t like him as much. I don’t like the dog they picked and the economy isn’t better and that latino family that lives down the street hasn’t been deported yet.

I haven’t had time to do much research, but from what I’ve gathered watching the big news networks like CNN, Fox News, ABC News, this is what I’ve learned:

There’s that one good-looking mormon guy who’s the front runner, but is not Christian enough, not warm enough, hates dogs, and is too rich.

Then there’s that other guy with a big head who wanted the open marriage and wants to build a moon base.

And there’s the one that wears the sweater vest. I don’t know anything else about him.

And then there’s that guy that everyone here in the retirement home hates but my grandson loves, and who is dangerous and crazy.

That’s the gist of what I’ve learned about the candidates based on what the news tells me. So I don’t know who to choose!!! Someone help me! Is that black man still running?

Maybe I’ll just vote for Sarah Palin.

– Jean

P.S. I just looked the sweater vest man up on the internet, and was so shocked! What an unfortunate last name!

Death of Kim Jong Il- I’m gonna miss that lesbian chick

I know I just posted and all, and don’t want to be one of those computer nerds who sit around playing World of Warcraft and trying to find naked girls on Chat Roulette all day, but I accidentally saw the news this morning and learned that that one Korean lesbian chick Kim Jong Il is dead, and I was like, whoa.

Kim Jong Il- Old Lesbian

Dude, this is big, right? Like, Kim wanted to blow up America because of how rich our country is and all the anti-gay stuff here but didn’t cuz she got old or whatever, and now her son Kim Jung Un (how do lesbos make kids?) is going to take over and he hates America even more and he’s young and has energy for some serious hating. Dude, I’m young, too, and if I had all that power and was raised with all that Anti-America I wouldn’t wait more than two seconds after being in power to push the “Nuke America” button.

Look, I’m not into communism or anything, but at least Kim wasn’t going to bomb us anytime soon, probably because women are more emotional and was probably going through menopause or something cuz she was old. Plus, she was a lesbian and they’re even MORE sensitive and emotional, right? Or is that just the gays?

– Brandon