How to tell your kids you’re not voting for Obama this year

It’s a tough situation. Your kids come over from the city for the weekend before the election, decked out in Obama shirts, buttons, and rally signs, and ask if you’re ready to vote this year.  “Yes, of course I am,” you answer. They didn’t seem to notice there are no Obama signs in your front yard, that you change the subject every time they bring up how much they hate Mitt Romney, or the Book of Mormon sitting on the hall table.

How do you break it to your kids that you’re NOT voting for Obama this year?

You know what I mean, right? Sure, 2008 was great, and for a moment after you voted for Obama, you felt pretty cool. You went with the guy all the young kids were voting for, you helped elect the first black president, and your own kids thought you were the coolest parents ever. That lasted about a week. Then we went back to not being cool and they went back to ignoring us except when they want us to pay their smart phone bill again.

So being cool for a bit was fun and all, but I think I’ll go back to voting how I usually vote. I’m just not sure how to tell my kids, “I’m not really a liberal. I was just experimenting.”

So I did some brainstorming and came up with a few thoughts on how to subtlety, or not so subtlety, break it to your kids.

How to tell your kids you’re not voting for Obama this year:

  1. Tell them you’ll vote for Obama when the job market improves to the point that they can get a job and move out of your basement.
  2. Confess you never really liked using youtube and twitter to follow politics anyways.
  3. Leave a binder marked “Women” somewhere they’ll see it.
  4. Put a question mark next to your 2008 Obama “HOPE” poster and leave it somewhere they’ll see it.
  5. Mention that you’re just really excited Sarah Palin isn’t on the Republican ticket this year.
  6. Say, “Your father and I are getting a divorce.” When they start to cry, say, “Just kidding. We’re just not voting for Obama this year.” It will make not voting for Obama seem less important.
  7. Mention that, since you pay to fill up their gas twice a week, you’re not that excited to vote for a president who doesn’t like drilling.
  8. Say that even though you don’t actually believe in all the “birther” rumors, you don’t really consider Hawaii a part of the US either.
  9. Tell them Joe Biden hit on their mother.
  10. Say you’ll vote for Obama as soon as they stop “occupying wall street” and start occupying their own apartment.
  11. Tell them that it’s been long enough after George W. Bush that you don’t feel so crazy scared of republicans anymore.
  12. Tell them you’re just trying to disprove the old adage, “Once you go black…”
  13. Teach them a valuable lesson: a kiss is not a contract, and killing Bin Laden is not a vote.
  14. Now that “change has come to American,” you’re kinda ready for it to change back to the way things were when everyone had money.
  15. Tell them you’d rather be right than cool.

So there it is, I hope this helps. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few copies of “The Audacity of Hope” I want to put on eBay.

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