Valentine’s Day Tips – For Singles, Pets, and more!

Hello subscribers and newcomers! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and some of you might still be wondering what you can do to make this special night extra special for that special someone. Well, as an aspiring gossip/advise columnist, I took to the streets to ask the special people of Byron City what kind of advice they would give to the longing-lovers of the world.

Shane JerichoLonely Valentine’s Day Tips
by Shane Jericho, recent college grad and tax accountant, former star quarterback for Byron City High

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me just a few days ago (I don’t think she realized Valentine’s Day was coming up or I think she would have waited until after I bought her a fancy dinner and a ton of flowers to cut the cord), so this is more like Single’s Awareness day for me. But I’ve got a lot of fun ideas that will be even better than the carriage ride and candle-lit lake-side dinner on the pier I had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Singles

  • sam and frodo in loveWatch Lord of the Rings and pretend Frodo and Sam are dating. It’s like a romantic comedy!
  • Do the dishes using only heart-shaped scrub motions. It’s a lot more challenging than you’d think!
  • Make a bouquet out of the clippings from your herb garden.
  • When you read your fortune cookie from your Chinese takeout, end it by adding “…in bed.”  to the end. Lol, it’s hilarious.
  • I’m so lonely.

I guess the point is, just be creative. And interesting. And don’t peak in high school. And don’t say I love you too soon or she’ll break up with you just before Valentine’s Day. Even though you’ve been dating for over six months and it’s time you said it. And don’t call her on Valentine’s day, no matter how much you miss her. I’m calling her.

Tiffany KimValentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls
by Tiffany Kim, student at Byron City Community College, fashionista, total geek lol

Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago (I didn’t realize Valentine’s Day was coming up or I TOTALLY would have let him wine and dine me first before breaking it off, boo), so this is yet another Single’s Awareness day for me. But I called my best girlfriend and we have a few awesome ideas for us single girls to that will be better than the lame dinner and movie my ex-boyfriend probably had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls

  • Dress slutty and go to a club to enjoy being annoyed by all the guys hitting on you. And free drinks!
  • I’m out of ideas

But it’s a start! We’ll just see where the night takes us! Hold on, someone’s calling. TTFN!

Stephanie Banks-DicksonV-Day Tips for Pets!
Stephanie Banks-Dickson, former Miss Byron City Pageant Winner, Wife, and Owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming

Re-Create the Lady and the Tramp Spaghetti Scene
I absolutely LOVE celebrating Valentine’s Day with my pets! Every year I re-create the scene from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp, giving my pets their own romantic evening complete with a plate of puppy spaghetti. They mostly just get spaghetti everywhere and then throw it up in my closet later, but still it’s so cute!

valentine's day puppyDress to Impress
Even if your pet is a single pouch, fear not! You can still have fun dressing them in cute outfits for the occasion. Here’s Princess Puddle Pants in her cute Valentine’s outfit this year. She’s ready to hit the town and find herself a top dog!*

*Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets

Brandon ZequeraHow to Totally Get Some This Valentine’s Day
by Brandon Zequera, Lead Singer and Guitarist of his own band, Brandon Zequera.

Dude, I’m never alone on Valentine’s Day and I don’t even try, so just relax. And if you have some chick you’re trying to round the bases with, and want to make sure you make the right moves that manipulate her emotional feminine heart back to your pad, here’s what you do.

Even better than the real thing.

Even better than the real thing.

Email a Card: Email her a V-day card pdf. It’s fast and cheap, and basically gets the job done. Limit any custom message to five words. Sending some long, sappy, hand-written love note basically tells her you cry all of the time and are essentially a woman, so don’t do that. But don’t do nothing, either. Minimal effort is key.

Go someplace reservations aren’t required: Going out to eat on V-day sucks, it’s way too busy and stressful and expensive. You don’t want to try too hard anyways. That turns girls off. Go someplace like a café or fast-casual restaurant where you don’t need reservations.

Be generous: Don’t be cheap on V-day. This is her special night, so offer to split the bill. Don’t expect her to pay the whole bill this time.

If all else fails, play the guitar. Works every time.

You’re welcome. Good luck, dudes.

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Seduce Her with Laughter!

laughing womenEvery woman gets flowers and chocolates on Valentine’s Day. I say, try something different! Give your lover the gift of a chuckle! A way to a woman’s heart is through her funny bone, that’s what I always say. It helped me get my wife when we started dating while I was still in dental school. I was giving her a root canal, my first one actually, and I started telling her my best jokes, and she was just rolling with laughter until tears came out! Looks like that root canal was our “route” to love! Ha, see what I did there?

Anyways, to help you laugh your way into love, here are some of my favorite Valentine’s Day jokes:

Valentine’s Day Jokes

What did the painter say to his Valentine?
I love you with all of my art!

Freida Pinto LaughingWhat do you say when a squirrel says it’s in love with you on Valentine’s Day?
You’re nuts so bad yourself!

What did the caveman give his cavewoman for Valentine’s Day?
Ughs and kisses!

What kind of flowers do you give a vegetarian on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflowers!

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

Woman: Do you love me more than sleep?
Man: I can’t answer now, it’s time for my nap!

Haha, that last one if my favorite! He goes to take a nap?! Are you serious?! While she’s asking you a serious question about love?!!! Hahaha, oh we have good times on Valentine’s Day. Wait wait, I have a few more:

See, even Adele can't resist a good joke!

Adele falls in love – with laughter!

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a big kiss, baby!

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
I’m stuck on you!

Man: I can’t leave you!
Woman: Do you really love me that much?
Man: No, you’re standing on my foot!

Hahahaha, what?! Standing on his foot!? Where did that come from!? Out of left field, that’s where. Oh that is soooo funny, because she thinks he loves her, but he actually can’t get away because she’s standing on his foot! Oh, priceless. And that knock knock joke? I almost couldn’t finish typing I was laughing so hard. I’m definitely using that when I come home from work today.

Anywho, I’ll let you go now. I have over 100 of these prepared for my wife this year.She’s gunna love it. And they are all different jokes than the ones I told her last year. I’m the only old joke she’ll be with this year, haha! Get it? I’m old and I’m a joke? Ah, self-depreciating humor sure is fun.

A Love Sonnet for Ye, Fair Wench

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and technically married:
Rough winds do shake your windows in May
whilst I spy on thee from the dark bushes
Sometime thy lover with a baseball bat doth scare
And often is his red complexion seen
Yet I continue to love thee from afar
For the restraining order thou didst place
So undeservedly after my last post
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of my love thou wants
But has of yet to know thou want’est it

So long as I can breathe I will love thee,
Just tell thy husband to stop hitting me.

Written by Sir Ryan and William Shakespeare, in honor of St. Valentine’s Day for ye fair wench Stephanie Banks-Dickson

P.S. Forgive my misuse of iambic pentameter. I am much afflicted with passionate humours.

Please do not self-immolate yourself on Valentine’s Day

Everyone in this town is insane.

I’m begging you all, and I can’t believe I’m actually typing these words on my keyboard: Please do not self-immolate yourself at the Valentine’s Day Lover’s Ball.

I’ve been reading this blog since its start last year, and I promised myself I wouldn’t get involved in the lunacy that was sure to follow. I finally caved last week when my girlfriend unknowingly admitted to cheating on me in her last post. Then I read the comments following the Event: Byron City Republican Caucus / Lovers Ball post, and couldn’t help but intervene again.

Now I don’t think the people who threatened to do this are really serious, especially since one thinks she can do it by covering herself with enough hairspray and standing over a scented candle. But I still feel the need to step in and tell people to take a deep, giant breath. Tibetan monks doing it to protest an oppressive foreign power is one thing. Heartbroken girls doing it to get attention, and political wingnuts doing it because they think Obama is a secret communist is another.

I won’t be there for the dance, but I will be there for the caucus, so please, don’t light yourselves on fire. Just…don’t. And Tiffany, please stop emailing my family telling them I have erectile dysfunction, sending your newest “date” over to my place to “borrow some eggs” without his shirt on, and harassing any girls I just happen to talk to by painting threatening notes on their car windows in lipstick while they are shopping.

Sigh…I need to move to Florida.

Event: Byron City Republican Caucus / Lovers Ball

From the office of the Mayor:

The City Events calendar has been updated.

Due to an oversight and double-booking, we will be having our town’s Republican Caucus at the same time and venue as our Annual Valentine’s Day Lover’s Ball. Even though the two big events must share a space, this will not deter the romance/patriotism of the evening, as all loved-ones/constituents will enjoy this special night full of enchantment/arguing.

Come dressed to impress/intimidate your sweetheart/opponent. The city will provide plenty of refreshments and a full bar / donations station. The evening will be sure to rekindle the flames of passion/ national pride as you slow dance/chant campaign slogans entwined in the arms of your valentine/allies. You’ll no doubt leave with an image of your lover/Mitt Romney forever emblazoned in your heart.

Registration is $50 per couple, $30 for single tickets, unless you’re coming for the caucus; we can’t legally charge for that.

*Please Note: There will be both kissing booths and voting booths present. Please do not confuse the two.