Beyoncé Lip-Synced at the Inauguration? My world just shattered

Beyonce lip-synch

Like every other patriotic American, I watched President Obama’s inauguration to view a historic event unfold in real time. And also to see Jennifer Hudson, Jay Z, Katy Perry, James Taylor, Kelly Clarkson, and especially, Beyoncé. My fave diva of all time behind Madonna and Lady Gaga.

But I just heard that Beyoncé lip-synched her inauguration performance. Lip-synced! That’s right, it was all a sham. The only true sound coming from the stage at that time was the sound of my world shattering. Is nothing real anymore? My hopes and dreams have all been crushed. Someone call Chris Angel and tell him there is no magic in the world.

I mean, I can’t believe it is true. I watched and re-watched her song many times: her enthusiastic hand gestures, the veins popping out of her neck, and her removing the earpiece because she’s so awesome she doesn’t need no earpiece to touch the hearts of America. All of it, lies? Say it ain’t so, Sasha Fierce!

I haven’t felt this let down since I found out Katy Perry and Russell Brand were getting divorced. Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day hiding under my bed eating saltines and listening to “Mad World” on a loop.

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Re: Winter Solstice = Illegal

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

Mayor Sir Ryan has directly threatened we, the Celtic Club, with arrest and persecution should we hold our Winter Solstice Festival in Moons Field. Such a clear abuse of power hath not been known since the Romans conquered and enslaved the Celtics of the British isles long ago.

So in response, we shall concede. That’s right. We shall not hold our Winter Solstice Festival at Moons field tomorrow. We instead shall hold our Winter Solstice Festival DIRECTLY ON THE GROUND OF CITY HALL, so that the infernal, corrupt Mayor may watch our festivities from his office window.

We anticipate nearly one thousand attendants. Possibly more. This is not an exaggeration. If the Mayor delights in arresting innocent surfs and subjects, and assuming he has room in his already overcrowded jail, then we shall make it easier for him and celebrate at his doorstep, foam swords in hand.

Your move, Mayor. See you tomorrow.

– The unconquerable Lady Ceridwen

How the World Will End in Two Months

So we’re about two months away from having the world burned to a crisp, the oceans filled with blood, and humanity enslaved by secretive anti-alien organizations. I’m prepared. But as I was about to nestle into my Weaponized-Disease Shelter, I had a ping of guilt.

I know exactly how the world is going to end and what to do about it. How can I sleep at night in my Ghillie-suit pajamas on my anti-brain-control radio-frequency cot knowing that I didn’t try to warn everyone?

Though I know most of you won’t listen, I need to ease my  conscience, so I’ll help you prepare for the end of the world by giving you a little preview. And if you don’t prepare, at least you’ll know I’m right when your eyes are burning out of your sockets and your lungs are gasping for breath in the napalm-thick air as the city you once loved spontaneously deteriorates and collapses around you like a  gingerbread house in a swimming pool.

How it’s going to end
As you know, when the aliens living inside the hollow core of the earth came out on one of their human harvesting expeditions during the early age of the Mayans, the natives pleased the aliens with their chocolate plants, talking toucans, and human-sacrifice basketball, so instead of harvesting them they taught them their advanced calendar system. The system included certain time “landmarks,” including one we know as December 23, 2012.

This is the date when these inner-earth aliens planned to rise from the core and teach humans the secrets of their ultra advanced technology and the ways of their utopia society, ushering in a new era of peace and humanity.

But plans change. And you can thank the Nazis.

Hitler is Alive, Well, And Half Alien
Nazis believed that Germans were descended from a race of superior half-alien super humans (they weren’t too far off, as many as 40% of humans are an alien-human hybrid of some kind, but I digress). This belief led Hitler and the Nazis, heavily funded by the worldwide secret organization of the Illuminati, to search for the origins of his people in the earth’s hollow center.

In 1945, they found the entrance.

Germany didn’t lose World War 2. They abandoned it. Hitler escaped to the earth’s core, taking all of his most important scientists with him, studying the technology of these inner-earth aliens and gathering support to launch World War 3.

*Note: Hitler currently lives in a modest alien cottage in the core located just underneath southern Pennsylvania. He has three children and is working on a screenplay about a war general who quits to become a chef at a dysfunctional restaurant. I have to admit, it’s pretty funny.

Welcome to the New World Order. What’s Your Shackle Size?
So where does the Illuminati fit into this? The question is, where DON’T they fit in.

Here are the facts. The Illuminati is the oldest and most powerful secret organization on the planet bent on establishing a new world order and subjecting humanity to their rule. They’re responsible for building Stonehenge, the pyramids, and the Gap. They orchestrated the political rise of Julius Cesar, Alexander the Great, Adolf Hitler, and Sarah Palin (the latter is just getting started).

They have infiltrated every organization and every level of power on the planet, from the United Nations to the Girl Scouts (only sell their cookies once a year? That’s evil genius). They have founded many other puppet organizations to help achieve their dark purposes: The Council on Foreign Relations, FEMA, the FDA, the YMCA, and PBS.

Public Broadcasting Service = Public Brainwashing Strategy = I Just Blew Your Mind

They have been planning their world take over for many millennia, and the trap is set to close in December of 2012 when they carry out the largest hoax that humanity has ever seen.

Fake it ‘till you Break It
The Illuminati do NOT want the aliens to take humanity to a higher plane of consciousness, nor do they want Hitler in power. They want supreme power and the subjection of all humanity to their wills. To do so, they are going to FAKE the end of the world with something they call Project Blue Beam.

Project Blue Beam is simple. Using large-scale satellite holograms and microchips hidden within most modern electronics, they’ll create a fake alien invasion, convincing people that aliens are taking over and destroying major cities throughout the globe (just like they did during their dress rehearsal on 9/11).

Then, they will cut off the food supply, destroy major power grids, and take Downton Abbey off the air. The panic and civil unrest will topple the nations of the world. At the highest moment of disorder and distress, the Illuminati will step in and “save” humanity, defeating the “aliens,” bringing food to the starving nations, and air Matthew and Mary Crawley’s Wedding. This will win them the unanimous acceptance and support of a people eager for safety and protection. But for those who still resist, they have a few more tricks up their sleeve.

Those unwilling to accept their rule will be treated to:
1-    Low frequency electromagnetic telepathic mind control radio waves, a wavelength that closely matches frequency used by NPR.
2-    A manufactured “rapture” based on your religion’s preference, resulting in your violent, non-heavenly death.
3-    Being told by the liberal media that you’re stupid.

Once the outer earth is taken over, they will begin their invasion of the inner earth to ensure that their rule will never be challenged. And the inner aliens won’t like it. That’s when the real end of the world comes.

Aliens Strike Back
The Illuminati knew the inner earth aliens were more powerful than humans. That’s why they used the Nazis to smuggle out their technology so that it could be used against them in an invasion.

Without the technological advantage they enjoyed for so long, the inner-earth aliens will find their way of life seriously threatened for the first time since landing on earth millions of years ago with nothing but a few flying saucers and a tank of invertebrates. They will be killed, tortured, and driven back until they will have no choice but to say, “Screw It” and push the big red button inside the earth that will reverse the earth’s magnetic poles, causing earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, and natural disasters on the surface at a scale the world has never seen. They might even remote-control a few solar flares as well to make sure humanity is sufficiently baked. Then they’ll go back to their home planet, pick up a few monkeys and start evolution all over again.

See you soon, doomsday.

You’ll be Dead, I Won’t
If we’re lucky, there will still be a few hundred surviving men left living on the planet, a few of which will be women, but not many because women have weak upper body strength and are cold all of the time.

But me and my wife will be safe. And we will repopulate the world. And everyone will know that I was right, except they won’t because they’ll be dead.

So there it is, the end of the world laid out for even the dumbest human. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. My conscience is clear. I’ll be going into hiding now. Goodbye, and good luck. Oh, and if anyone knows where I can get a bunch of Oreo Cakesters, let me know. I’d like to stock up. I don’t want to live in a world without them.

Recap – The First Year of Byron City

Hey everyone. Ashleigh here, Romance and Gossip columnist for the Byron City blog. Some of you have written me asking me to give you the 411 on what’s been happening in Byron City lately. So I’m going to recap all the best stuff that’s happened over the past year so you all can keep up.

What’s been going on in Byron City? Here’s what.

Byron City Recap

Occupy Byron City protestors

One year ago, the Occupy Wall Street Movement started in NYC, and Byron City residents decided to start their own protest and “Occupy Byron City.”

Read the “Rally! Occupy Byron City” post

The group accomplished nothing, but disrupted town government activities and annoyed the hell out of Byron City’s cranky yet well-liked leader, Mayor Chuck. He really wanted them gone.

Read the “In Regard to Occupy Byron City Protests” post

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

Suddenly, after about a month of Occupation, most of the protestors left without explanation. At the same time, Sir Ryan, resident and medieval club member who speaks nothing but Shakespearean English, was appointed to the City Council. Most citizens were convinced that something shady was going on behind Mayor Chuck’s closed doors, but there was no proof.

Read the “Hark! I Thus Call for a Cease to All Occupation” post

Dog in the Costume portion of the Dog Show.

Things got back to normal. The winter passed, Byron City hosted the County Fair and its first ever dog show, a “sexy” new restaurant opened, and the Sarcastic Thief was finally caught. But soon after the Renaissance Festival ended, evidence surfaced of Mayor Chuck making an illegal deal with the Medieval club to break up the “Occupy Byron City” protests permanently by agreeing to appoint one of their own, Sir Ryan, to the City Council. The city broke into chaos, and Mayor Chuck sadly resigned before charges could be brought against him, saying that since he can’t serve the town he loves, they can all go “shove it.”

Read the “Mayor Chuck Resigns” post

Sir Ryan

Byron City law states that if a Mayor resigns before his or her term ends, then the City Council will appoint a new Mayor within a month. There was a lot of speculation about who the Council would choose, but in the end they shockingly chose their newest Council member Sir Ryan, now known as Mayor Sir Ryan. Upon his appointment, Sir Ryan was quoted as saying “Bwah haha haha ha ha…”.

Read the “Sir Ryan Appointed New Mayor” post

His appointment is fishy at best. There are unconfirmed suspicions that Sir Ryan bribed and blackmailed his way into office, but no one has yet dug up any hard evidence, and anyone attempting to find the truth has been intimidated by Mayor Sir Ryan’s medieval cronies (foam swords hurt more than you’d think).

Read the “Mayor Sir Ryan is Hiding Something” post

Former Beauty Queen Stephanie Banks-Dickson

Only a few weeks into office, Sir Ryan used his new power to mandate a set of new laws. The laws are extremely controversial, and certain citizens have refused to follow them, including former Beauty Queen and Miss Byron City winner Stephanie Banks-Dickson, who refused to follow the new law that she “be Mayor Sir Ryan’s new girlfriend.”

Read the “10 Mayoral Decrees” post

Another law completely dismantled and banned Medieval Club rival, the Celtic Club.  The group has so far aggressively refused to dismantle and are currently calling for any citizen opposing the new laws to join them in open rebellion.

Read the “Celtic Club Twill Not Accept New Laws” post

And that’s what’s happening in Byron City! Will Mayor Sir Ryan crush his rivals and continue to build his empire? Will the Celtic Club manage to dethrone this oppressive new Mayor? Or will Byron City simply devolve into chaos and ruin? Keep pushing “refresh” to see what happens next!

In the meantime, feel free to read the top five most popular Byron City Posts from the past year:

10 Ways to Get out of a Crappy Party

Did I Just Make the World’s Biggest Taco?

The Market’s Yogurt Selection Has Improved Lately

I’m Alarmed with the Amount of Giant Bats Around Lately

Do these nerd glasses make me look hot?

Verily, the Renaissance Festival is Nigh!

Yea, verily, the 2012 Byron City Renaissance Festival is nigh at hand! On this coming day of Satur, tomorrow, we will meet to feast on mead, giant turkey legs, shepherd’s pie, cinnamon almonds, and probably some nachos. Ooo! And funnel cakes.

Come one, come all, to the event of the yesteryear! Witness jousting, puppetry, sword swallowing, blacksmithery, flute-ery, large breasted saucy wenches, men with whimsical facial hair, stacks of hay everywhere, Goths who want a change of scenery, and the faint but constant smell of manure.

Partake in the mirth and merriment with our many games, such as “Jacob’s Ladder, “ “Throw the Pie at the Jester,” “Duck-Duck-Small Pox,” and “Who’s Got My Syphilis?” And if ye seek boldly, ye may even find “Ye Olde Kissing Booth” to satisfy ye lusty desires for romance with an enchanting mistress…or mister if that be your preference. We got complaints last year.

I wilst be there the day entire, and wiltst be performing my sword swallowing act, though I never did find my custom-made fire sword of Arakron. Other shows: Sir Billy shall be performing a juggling act, Sir Gary will be performing a Jester Comedy act, and Sir Arnold will be doing people’s taxes. It’s that time of year, and he could use the money.

So come one, come all!  Fill your belly and your lust for gaiety ( the old definition…not that there be anything wrong with the new definition, I’m just sayin’…) at the Byron City Renaissance Festival!

Tickets be $20 for ladies and gents, $10 for lads, lasses, and the elderly. We accept cash, credit, bags of Spanish doubloons, pieces of eight, or the head of the nefarious tyrant King Henry the 8th! Haha, but seriously, just bring cash or credit. No checks.

Oh, and if ye see a man dressed like Jack Sparrow at the festival, report it to the authorities immediately. He is NOT allowed to be there.

King Jeff and Queen Kaitlyn enjoying a royal feast.

Merriment and Gaiety.

The fair wench working the kissing booth this year! My my!

And this is the male option at the kissing booth.

Reminder: Dog Show this Saturday! Dogs only!

I just wanted to remind everyone about the dog show this Saturday! I’m so excited I can barely breathe!

Yes, it’s Byron City’s first dog show ever! And as such, naturally I’ve been getting a lot of questions, so I’ll use this opportunity to field some of them right now.

Q. When is registration due and how much is it?

A. It is due by Friday night, but we’re willing to take you Saturday just before it begins if you’re really sorry 🙂 Registration is $20.

Q. What type of animal can we enter into the show?

A. It seems like a silly question to me. Please, only DOGS in the dog show. No cats, bunnies, birds, ferrets, iguanas, mice (please PLEASE no mice), opossums, snakes, or mystery animals. Dogs only.

Q. Come on, a mystery animal would be cool! You just show up with a black box with a mystery animal inside and reveal at the last minute to the judges. The crowd would love it!

A. That may be, but this is strictly a dog show. No mystery animals.

Q. What will you do if the dogs start fighting each other? Will you let it continue? And can we watch? And can we bet on a winner?

A. No, there will be no dog fighting at the dog show.

Q. Can I bring my dog as a spectator.

A. Yes, of course!

Q. Can I release him if he sees another dog he’d like to breed with?

A. Sigh…no. There will be no dog breeding at the dog show.

Q. Are you sure? Because with all these great dogs, it would be a shame to…

A. I’ll stop you right there. No breeding. Period.

Q. Can I have any unclaimed dogs at the end of the show.

A. I don’t think there will be any unclaimed dogs, but if for some strange reason there is, no, you can’t have them. They will go to animal rescue and be adopted by a loving family.

Q. Do you know Sarah McLachlan?

A. No, why?

Q. Because you both love dogs and are into animal rescue.

A. I don’t see how that would mean I would know her.

Q. Oh, ok. Do you have to live in Byron City to enter?

A. Yes. Residents only.

Q. What about my Uncle Steven.

A. Does he live in Byron City?

Q. No.

A. Then no, he can’t.

Q. Why not?

A. I just told you, because you have to live in Byron City to enter.

Q. But he has a really great Ferret I think could win this thing.

A. I told you before, only DOGS in the dog show.

Q. You didn’t tell me that before.

A. Yes I did! It was one of the first questions you asked me!

Q. What’s the prize for Best in Show?

A. I’m glad you asked, that’s a great question. It’s a $500 Visa Gift Card and $200 worth of credits at my pet grooming salon, Faux Paws. You’ll probably get a picture in the newspaper, too.

Q. Is that all? I don’t win any of the dogs who lost?

A. What is your obsession with taking other dogs home from the dog show?

Q. I’m the one asking the questions here.

A. I think I’m going to have to ban you from the show.

Q. I wasn’t going to go anyways.

So there you have it. In short, I’m very excited for the dog show, and I had to ban 7 people from coming. But it will still be amazing! There are 26 dogs registered, including mine, so if you wanted to participate and haven’t signed up yet, get going! Email me or go to City Hall to register. I’m getting my dogs all fluffed up and ready to go. See you there!

Non-Alcoholic St. Patrick’s Day Celebration

Just a reminder to everyone that Saturday I’ll be hosting the Non-Alcoholic St. Patrick’s Day celebration at Moons Field. We’re going to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day the way our ancestors would have wanted: stone cold sober.

That’s right, no booze! That means good ol’ Irish fun without the shenanigans. We’ll have plenty of ice cream, board games, and if you must, nonalcoholic green beer!

I decided to host this party after City Counsel rejected my proposal to curb St. Patrick’s Day over drinking by limiting the city to only one Port-a-Potty for the night. When that failed, I decided throwing my own sober party was the only way to go.

Why do we have to celebrate being Irish by drinking too much? The thought itself is offensive! My great grandfather Shane McWood fled Dublin after being the preeminent, and only, voice for the Irish prohibition movement of the early 20th century. Upon reaching Ellis Island, he changed his name from Shane McWood to Sean Wood, not only to Americanize, but also not to be recognized by an Irish drinking song that was really popular in New York at the time:

“Oh Shane McWood, Shane McWood
Tried to take our brew away
So if you see him sneakin’ ‘bout
Punch his face and stab his eyes out
 
Bite his toes and cut his throat
Tie his nipples to a galloping horse
Stuff a bottle up his arse
And hang him by his pecker
 
Yes, hang him by his pecker”

Children’s songs were much more violent back then. So my great grandfather changed his name. But soon, other Irish in the Lower East Side began to be suspicious of his true identify. So he packed and moved to the most obscure town he could find: Byron Valley, known today as Byron City.

He even knew our city’s founder, Byron Wilkes. When they first met, an old and withered Byron called him a dirty potato-eating mick and spat in his face, and Sean Wood stuck a fork in his shoulder. They remained close friends throughout their lives.

So come celebrate your Irish Heritage without being a nuisance! See you all Saturday.