Who will be next to die immediately after having a child on Downton Abbey? (*spoilers!*)

(*Caution: spoilers!*)

First Sybil. Then Matthew. Both had children, both died almost immediately after having that child, both in Season 3. Looks like Downton Abbey is finally hitting its stride as far as completely out of the blue and unnecessary death is concerned. Technically you could count Ethel, too, since her lover died while she was still pregnant. Even though he was a pretty minor character, one thing is for sure: having a baby on Downton means you or your lover is doomed to die.

About 30 seconds from massive Downton fan outrage.

About 30 seconds from massive Downton fan outrage.

So the question all Downtaddicts are asking themselves is, “Who will be the next character to die immediately after having a child?”

Early speculation has Mr. Bates getting shanked by an ex-prison mate right after leaving the hospital where Anna gives birth to baby Matthew. And then later Daisy dies after giving birth to baby Bates because of complications related to her teen pregnancy. And then Mrs. Patmore dies after giving birth to baby Daisy, which I can only assume is a “I didn’t know I was pregnant” situation. But she dies, not because of the pregnancy, but because she accidentally gets caught in the middle of a knife fight between Thomas and Mrs. O’Brien (which is an awesome scene by the way). And then Mr. Carson dies, not because he fathers a child, but because Downton likes killing our favorite characters for no reason.

Pretty soon we’ll just be left with the baby versions of all our dead favorite characters. If this is some sick way of creating a “Muppet Babies” version of Downton Abbey, I’m not amused.

But this is all speculation. Anyone could die, really. For all we know, Mrs. Hughes will die of milk poisoning, Edith will be killed by her new lover’s crazy wife, Cora will slip on more soap, Isobel will nag Dr. Clarkson to death, Jimmy will burn his beautiful face in a fire which will make all the servant women kill themselves, and Tom will be shot in Ireland by Bono’s great grandfather, leaving us with a sort of Hamlet situation, where everyone dies except, surprisingly, Maggie Smith’s character, who will make a string of classic one liners to a bunch of corpses. And we will all still watch it. Because Maggie Smith is awesome.

Until then, keep watching! Season 4 is right around the corner. And so is a speeding milk truck that will likely kill you on impact.

downton-abbey-maggie-smith-caption

Ah, snap! Violet, you crazy.

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How Downton Abbey Season 2 Should Have Ended

Nice try, guys. I can do better.

***Spoilers***

I’m a big fan of Downton Abbey. Huge. The Cousin Matthew and Mary love story, the Mr. Bates fiasco, the moral yet flawed Earl of Grantham, the fiendish Thomas, the anxiety-ridden Daisy and her emotionally abusive boss Mrs. Patmore. I love them all.

But I just finished watching Season 2 on Netflix, and I’ll be honest, I’m disappointed with how it ended. World War I ends, Matthew and Mary finally stop being silly and get engaged, Mr. Bates doesn’t get executed and he’s now legally married to the love of his life, Lord Crawly decides NOT have an affair, everyone is happy, everyone is still super rich. And that just sucks.

I don’t mean to tell the writers of Downton Abbey how to do their jobs, but where the hell are they supposed to go with season 3 now? Stories on television thrive on drama, conflict, and prolonging the unrequited love and sexual tension for as long as possible. Exhibit A, The Office (American Version): Jim and Pam apart, best show on television. Jim and Pam together, that annoying married couple with kids no one wants to hang out with.

Annnnd say goodbye to your sexual tension forever.

So I decided to fix the problem. This is how Downton Abbey season 2 SHOULD have ended.

How Downton Abbey Season 2 Should Have Ended

First, a pissed-off Sir Richard publishes the story of Mary getting so rowdy in the sheets with the Turk that she killed the man, causing Mary the anticipated shame that forces her to move to New York City, where all ruined, immoral people go to make a name for themselves.

At the same time, Mr. Bates is sentenced to death and his execution date is set. Miss O’Brien or Thomas or one of those semi-evil characters goes to the execution, and tells the whole Crawly family Mr. Bates is toast. An inconsolable Anna goes to America with Mary to escape the good memories that now haunt her, like when I had to sell that ceramic bowl I made at Color Me Mine with my ex-girlfriend from college on our first date.

Time to break out of this mo-fo.

Meanwhile, Lord Crawly DOES have an affair with that one maid whose name I can’t remember. But he’s a good man at heart, and immediately feels guilty about it and they part ways, just like they did in the real season 2. But the last few shots imply that we haven’t seen the last of the slutty widow maid yet.

While all that is going on, a guilt-ridden Matthew is still crying over the death of Lavinia like a pre-teen little girl who just had her first period. But as he’s wallowing in self-pity while still finding time to gaze just off camera to let all the female viewers bask in the glory of his perfect baby blues, he has a graphic dream where Lavinia appears and tells him to stop being gay and go after his true love. This is followed by some touching scene at Lavinia’s gravesite where he finally lays her and his guilt to rest, giving viewers an opportunity for a gentle cry and an encouraging shout as he runs to the boat dock to stop Mary from leaving for America.

Yup, there he is again, crying his gorgeous baby blue eyes out.

But he’s too late and arrives just in time to see her boat leaving. He sees her on board and yells her name, but a visibly depressed Mary is sulking and staring into the horizon and doesn’t see him. Matthew turns around to leave, all sad and crestfallen as Matthew often is, but out of the corner of his eye he sees a man who appears to be staring at him. It’s Mr. Bates. What?! Twist! No Way! I need to change my pants!!!  That’ll make them press “next episode” on their Roku box.

Matthew takes the emaciated and injured Mr. Bates back to his home to care for him, and as they sit sipping tea like proper English gentlemen, Mr. Bates tells Matthew the details of his escape. Mr. Bates was sentenced to hang, but literally seconds before the sentence was to be carried out, the court granted his lawyer’s request to reduce his sentence to life in prison instead of execution. Thomas mistakenly saw someone else get hanged, and since they all have hoods on when they’re hanged, it was an honest mistake. Or was it? Close up of Thomas with a face that’s hiding something, evil music outro …

It feels so good to be evil and gay.

Bates continues his story. After returning to jail, Bates heard about Anna leaving for America, and couldn’t stand to be in prison or live without her. He managed to escape in a really super cool way that they’ll show via flashback. Injured and on the run, he evades policemen and suspicious shopkeepers to arrive at the docks just a few moments too late, but just in time to see his friend Matthew Crawly whimpering like little boy who just found out what sex is and that his parents do it not just to make babies.

So Matthew and Mr. Bates hatch a scheme to escape England and get to America to find the women they love. A few close-ups of their hopeful, dashing faces for swoon-quality, cut to next scene.

By the end of the season finale, we see Mary and Anna arriving in New York City at the start of what would be called the roaring 20s (tell me THAT wouldn’t be a cool setting for season 3), Matthew boarding a ship and sneaking Mr. Bates on as a stow-away or in disguise or something, and Thomas doing something sneaky like he always does.

There she is, slutty maid what’s-her-face.

As the audience is pissing themselves full of anticipation and excitement over what season 3 will bring, we see the jilted Maid what’s-her-name demanding that Lord Crawly divorce his wife and marry her instead or she will cause legal and social problems for the Earl’s family, because she is PREGNANT and likely carrying the true heir of Downton Abbey. DUM dum DAHHH!

End of season. Everyone’s minds are blown. I drop the mic and walk away.

See? That gives Season 3 so much more excitement leading in and a lot of fodder for the writers to work with. They can film half of it in 1920s New York, half of it in post-war Downton Abbey in England. That’s a no-fail formula. Why I’m not an award-winning TV writer yet, I’ll never know. But I do know this. Downton Abbey is an awesome show that could be even better if they actually responded to my fan letters and screenplay critiques. But they don’t respond. Why? Because they are snobs. Just like the ones they created for Downton Abbey. And oh, how I love those snobs.

In closing, here’s a picture of Mary looking sad.

“Season 3 in 1920s New York? Ugh, why didn’t WE think of that?”

How the World Will End in Two Months

So we’re about two months away from having the world burned to a crisp, the oceans filled with blood, and humanity enslaved by secretive anti-alien organizations. I’m prepared. But as I was about to nestle into my Weaponized-Disease Shelter, I had a ping of guilt.

I know exactly how the world is going to end and what to do about it. How can I sleep at night in my Ghillie-suit pajamas on my anti-brain-control radio-frequency cot knowing that I didn’t try to warn everyone?

Though I know most of you won’t listen, I need to ease my  conscience, so I’ll help you prepare for the end of the world by giving you a little preview. And if you don’t prepare, at least you’ll know I’m right when your eyes are burning out of your sockets and your lungs are gasping for breath in the napalm-thick air as the city you once loved spontaneously deteriorates and collapses around you like a  gingerbread house in a swimming pool.

How it’s going to end
As you know, when the aliens living inside the hollow core of the earth came out on one of their human harvesting expeditions during the early age of the Mayans, the natives pleased the aliens with their chocolate plants, talking toucans, and human-sacrifice basketball, so instead of harvesting them they taught them their advanced calendar system. The system included certain time “landmarks,” including one we know as December 23, 2012.

This is the date when these inner-earth aliens planned to rise from the core and teach humans the secrets of their ultra advanced technology and the ways of their utopia society, ushering in a new era of peace and humanity.

But plans change. And you can thank the Nazis.

Hitler is Alive, Well, And Half Alien
Nazis believed that Germans were descended from a race of superior half-alien super humans (they weren’t too far off, as many as 40% of humans are an alien-human hybrid of some kind, but I digress). This belief led Hitler and the Nazis, heavily funded by the worldwide secret organization of the Illuminati, to search for the origins of his people in the earth’s hollow center.

In 1945, they found the entrance.

Germany didn’t lose World War 2. They abandoned it. Hitler escaped to the earth’s core, taking all of his most important scientists with him, studying the technology of these inner-earth aliens and gathering support to launch World War 3.

*Note: Hitler currently lives in a modest alien cottage in the core located just underneath southern Pennsylvania. He has three children and is working on a screenplay about a war general who quits to become a chef at a dysfunctional restaurant. I have to admit, it’s pretty funny.

Welcome to the New World Order. What’s Your Shackle Size?
So where does the Illuminati fit into this? The question is, where DON’T they fit in.

Here are the facts. The Illuminati is the oldest and most powerful secret organization on the planet bent on establishing a new world order and subjecting humanity to their rule. They’re responsible for building Stonehenge, the pyramids, and the Gap. They orchestrated the political rise of Julius Cesar, Alexander the Great, Adolf Hitler, and Sarah Palin (the latter is just getting started).

They have infiltrated every organization and every level of power on the planet, from the United Nations to the Girl Scouts (only sell their cookies once a year? That’s evil genius). They have founded many other puppet organizations to help achieve their dark purposes: The Council on Foreign Relations, FEMA, the FDA, the YMCA, and PBS.

Public Broadcasting Service = Public Brainwashing Strategy = I Just Blew Your Mind

They have been planning their world take over for many millennia, and the trap is set to close in December of 2012 when they carry out the largest hoax that humanity has ever seen.

Fake it ‘till you Break It
The Illuminati do NOT want the aliens to take humanity to a higher plane of consciousness, nor do they want Hitler in power. They want supreme power and the subjection of all humanity to their wills. To do so, they are going to FAKE the end of the world with something they call Project Blue Beam.

Project Blue Beam is simple. Using large-scale satellite holograms and microchips hidden within most modern electronics, they’ll create a fake alien invasion, convincing people that aliens are taking over and destroying major cities throughout the globe (just like they did during their dress rehearsal on 9/11).

Then, they will cut off the food supply, destroy major power grids, and take Downton Abbey off the air. The panic and civil unrest will topple the nations of the world. At the highest moment of disorder and distress, the Illuminati will step in and “save” humanity, defeating the “aliens,” bringing food to the starving nations, and air Matthew and Mary Crawley’s Wedding. This will win them the unanimous acceptance and support of a people eager for safety and protection. But for those who still resist, they have a few more tricks up their sleeve.

Those unwilling to accept their rule will be treated to:
1-    Low frequency electromagnetic telepathic mind control radio waves, a wavelength that closely matches frequency used by NPR.
2-    A manufactured “rapture” based on your religion’s preference, resulting in your violent, non-heavenly death.
3-    Being told by the liberal media that you’re stupid.

Once the outer earth is taken over, they will begin their invasion of the inner earth to ensure that their rule will never be challenged. And the inner aliens won’t like it. That’s when the real end of the world comes.

Aliens Strike Back
The Illuminati knew the inner earth aliens were more powerful than humans. That’s why they used the Nazis to smuggle out their technology so that it could be used against them in an invasion.

Without the technological advantage they enjoyed for so long, the inner-earth aliens will find their way of life seriously threatened for the first time since landing on earth millions of years ago with nothing but a few flying saucers and a tank of invertebrates. They will be killed, tortured, and driven back until they will have no choice but to say, “Screw It” and push the big red button inside the earth that will reverse the earth’s magnetic poles, causing earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, and natural disasters on the surface at a scale the world has never seen. They might even remote-control a few solar flares as well to make sure humanity is sufficiently baked. Then they’ll go back to their home planet, pick up a few monkeys and start evolution all over again.

See you soon, doomsday.

You’ll be Dead, I Won’t
If we’re lucky, there will still be a few hundred surviving men left living on the planet, a few of which will be women, but not many because women have weak upper body strength and are cold all of the time.

But me and my wife will be safe. And we will repopulate the world. And everyone will know that I was right, except they won’t because they’ll be dead.

So there it is, the end of the world laid out for even the dumbest human. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. My conscience is clear. I’ll be going into hiding now. Goodbye, and good luck. Oh, and if anyone knows where I can get a bunch of Oreo Cakesters, let me know. I’d like to stock up. I don’t want to live in a world without them.