Seduce Her with Laughter!

Every woman gets flowers and chocolates on Valentine’s Day. I say, try something different! Give your lover the gift of a chuckle! A way to a woman’s heart is through her funny bone, that’s what I always say. It helped me get my wife when we started dating while I was still in dental school. I was giving her a root canal, my first one actually, and I started telling her my best jokes, and she was just rolling with laughter until tears came out! Looks like that root canal was our “route” to love! Ha, see what I did there?

Anyways, to help you laugh your way into love, here are some of my favorite Valentine’s Day jokes:

Valentine’s Day Jokes

What did the painter say to his Valentine?
I love you with all of my art!

What do you say when a squirrel says it’s in love with you on Valentine’s Day?
You’re nuts so bad yourself!

What did the caveman give his cavewoman for Valentine’s Day?
Ughs and kisses!

What kind of flowers do you give a vegetarian on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflowers!

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

Woman: Do you love me more than sleep?
Man: I can’t answer now, it’s time for my nap!

Haha, that last one if my favorite! He goes to take a nap?! Are you serious?! While she’s asking you a serious question about love?!!! Hahaha, oh we have good times on Valentine’s Day. Wait wait, I have a few more:

Adele falls in love – with laughter!

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a big kiss, baby!

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
I’m stuck on you!

Man: I can’t leave you!
Woman: Do you really love me that much?
Man: No, you’re standing on my foot!

Hahahaha, what?! Standing on his foot!? Where did that come from!? Out of left field, that’s where. Oh that is soooo funny, because she thinks he loves her, but he actually can’t get away because she’s standing on his foot! Oh, priceless. And that knock knock joke? I almost couldn’t finish typing I was laughing so hard. I’m definitely using that when I come home from work today.

Anywho, I’ll let you go now. I have over 100 of these prepared for my wife this year.She’s gunna love it. And they are all different jokes than the ones I told her last year. I’m the only old joke she’ll be with this year, haha! Get it? I’m old and I’m a joke? Ah, self-depreciating humor sure is fun.

And the Winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture is…!

The Academy Awards, aka the Oscars, aka the worst award show on the planet, will take place on February 24^th. They have already announced the nominees, with the Best Picture category garnering the most attention and stealing the glory away from other awards such as Best Cinematography and Best Sound Mixing and Best Person to Hold a Boom Mic Over An Actor’s Head.

So which Best Picture nominee will take home the top prize? Which obviously gay star will choose this moment to come out of the closet that he or she wasn’t exactly hiding in to begin with? Will the host this year suck or will they dig Billy Crystal out of his tomb again?

Here are the nominees, along with my prediction of the winner.

“Django Unchained”

Another Tarantino film with a ton of violence and a misspelled title. I don’t know how Tarantino managed to get any filming done when he was constantly whipping blood off of the camera lens I’ll never know. Seriously, this guy loves splattering blood so much I’m surprised he hasn’t been locked away as a serial killer yet. And stop acting in all your own movies. It was cute when Hitchcock did it because he was old and didn’t say anything. You actually try to act. Stick to what you do best: fantasize about killing hundreds of people all day and then writing a screenplay about it. Sicko.

“Les Misérables”

Note to everyone: stop trying to pronounce the name of this film correctly, you sound like you’re dry heaving. Which is exactly what I was doing for real during the entire length of this 3-hour debacle. At least the title, translated to “The Miserables” is accurate. I can’t think of a more miserable movie full of miserable actors who all called in sick for their voice lessons. I liked it better when it was a play, and even better when it was a giant novel I would never read.

“Amour”

Showing that the Academy still gets all-gooey for all things French and cripplingly depressing. I’d rather visit my grandmother in an old folks home built inside of a renovated concentration camp. That experience would be a LOT less depressing.

“Argo”

This whole movie was just an excuse for Ben Affleck to wear crazy 70s suits to work everyday and do what he does best: pretend to be a real life filmmaker. Time to call it quits, Ben. Even after an Oscar-nominated movie, Matt Damon STILL won’t return your phone calls. And your wife has weird toes.

“Lincoln”

I loved this movie. The whole story of Abraham Lincoln trying to end the civil war, outlaw slavery, and kill vampires by night was truly compelling. Wait, that’s not the one that’s nominated? The boring one without vampire killing was nominated? That 2.5-hour waste of my life where Lincoln struggles to accomplish something we already know he’ll accomplish in the first place? The movie that not only has no vampire battles but skipped the part where Lincoln gets his head blown off? The only good part of that movie was watching James Spader freak out when Lincoln walks into the room unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, the academy can choke on their own elbow patches.

“Life of Pi”

I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called Slumdog Millionaire and the CGI tiger was a crazy game show host. I also liked it better when the boy and the tiger were two gay cowboys. Either way, this movie won’t win simply because there weren’t enough other people in this movie to overact for the academy. And not “Indian” enough to get the white-guilt vote. 

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”

Another movie no one has ever heard of included only so the Academy still seems “legit.” But when you define legit in the same way a hipster wearing a cookie monster bib defines legit, you are no longer legit. This movie is weird, confusing, and is only nominated because people still feel bad about the whole Louisiana Hurricane Katrina thing.

“Silver Linings Playbook”

Would have liked it better if Jennifer Lawrence broke out her bow and killed all the other contestants to win the movie. Especially Bradley Cooper. He needs to go back to his modeling career, where he just stands there and looks pretty.

“Zero Dark Thirty”

If you make a fake crappy movie about a real awesome event, then you shouldn’t get to be nominated for best picture. It’s cheating. A hair-lipped monkey could have made this story into a Best Picture nominee. Speaking of which, why are we still so enthralled with Kathryn Bigelow? Aren’t we over this whole “women are just as good as men” thing yet? I thought we proved that already and can go back to letting men win at everything again like we’re supposed to.

Predicted Winner: We Are All Losers.

When Hollywood strikes out, we all lose. Wake me when they start making Godfather-calibre movies again.

Sir Ryan’s Reign of Terror Continues

Sir Ryan, our new Mayor and former leader of the town’s Medieval club, is at again, this time with even more “improvements.” Here’s the latest in his renaissance upgrades:

• 

  Putting out fires through prayer and solemn latin hymns.

  Has replaced 90% of city streetlights with torch lights, laying off a large portion of city utility workers in the process.

• Lowered speed limit to 10 mph to match the max acceptable speed by “beast of burden.”
• Replaced city bus service with carts pulled by “serfs.”
• Police guns have been replaced with swords, and the fire department is now a convent of Gregorian monks.

In a curious move, Mayor Sir Ryan has also pardoned and released the famous “Sarcastic Thief,” the robber who managed to rob a local convenience store armed only with sarcasm earlier this year. It appears the sarcastic thief is now employed by Mayor Sir Ryan as his staff press secretary. In a press conference held this morning, he said:

“Some of you have complained that Sir Ryan’s newest laws are crazy. Let me tell you that we are sooOOooOOoo concerned about that, since you all are TOTALLY the smartest people on the planet. Sure, we’ll get right on fixing that right away, don’t you worry. Oh, and Ted, great article about Byron High School’s latest tutoring program. REALLY exciting stuff. Bravo,” saying the last phrase while clapping loudly and slowly with an un-amused facial expression.

I believe Sir Ryan has gone to far. Someone should do something. Stay tuned as the unrest continues.

Who Will Be Byron City’s New Mayor?

As most citizens of Byron City know by now, Mayor Chuck, despite his popularity among the people, has resigned amidst bribery and corruption allegations. And without a Mayor, City Council has been tasked with appointing a new Mayor that will assume all mayoral duties until the regular official election is held October of 2014.

As of yet, the council hasn’t named a replacement, but I’ve compiled the following list of those most likely being considered, along with those most vigorously campaigning for the appointment.

Potential Candidates for New Mayor

Sir Ryan
As the head of Byron City’s Medieval Club, Sir Ryan is the most colorful personality in this race. Smart, ambitious, and the last member of the City Council appointed by Mayor Chuck before his resignation.

Pros
He has made a lot of very specific campaign promises to lots of citizens already, and seems to have a lot of friends from the medieval club that do whatever he asks.

Cons
Sir Ryan only talks in “Olde English,” which alienates him from most citizens. He has proposed some odd laws during his short time on City Council and has been accused of getting his place on the council only as an illegal political favor for ending the Occupy Byron City movement. Some have even reported hearing Sir Ryan “swear vengeance” on the entire town when the Renaissance Festival from this past summer didn’t go well. He has also been accused of orchestrating the entire bribery and corruption scandal that put Mayor Chuck out of office in a brilliantly evil plan to usurp power over the town, an accusation Sir Ryan calls “Preposterous.”

“Nay, a’pox on those fiends who doth accuse me so raucously, and may the poison wilt the idle ghosts whose wagging tongue ne’er a grave be brought back forth and thrice again,” remarked Sir Ryan about the accusations while working his shift at KFC. No one is really sure what he meant by that.

Bob Van Daniels
Originally asked by Sir Ryan to be his Vice Mayor (as a campaign promise for his support), Mr. Van Daniels decided he didn’t “want to be number two to anyone. I’m number one or nothin’, baby. Woohoo! Suck it!”

Pros
Ambitious, enthusiastic, and as owner of Hold onto Your Buds Flower Shop and Sausage Fest Restaurant, he is one of Byron City’s most successful businessmen. He has also made some very specific campaign promises in his last blog post, including abolishing all taxes and making sure all librarians in the Byron City Library are “hot.”

Cons
Many people in town either strongly like or strongly dislike his business ventures. Many people also find his personality a bit too “aggressive and offensive.” In response, Mr. Van Daniels has said, “Screw you, that’s fine, if you don’t think I’m the most awesome man on the planet, then it’s probably because you’re Mayor of Super Lame Town, so go ahead and suck duck’s balls, I’m going to go be Mayor of Byron #!*&@-ing City,” after which he lit an M-80 firecracker and threw it at a passing car.

Brian Havig- Deputy Mayor
Served as Deputy mayor under Mayor Chuck and on the City Council since 1992.

Pros
Seems to be the most obvious choice. He has the most experience and could easily pick up where Mayor Chuck left off. He’s also the head of the City Council.

Cons
Mr. Havig does not seem very eager to take on the role. It is rumored that Mr. Havig spends his free time on his “passion” of making costumes of every character on Star Wars, and only accepted the role of Deputy Mayor from Mayor Chuck because the Mayor agreed to let him wear his Han Solo outfit to work once in awhile. There’s also the issue of Mr. Havig being engaged to a 26-year-old he met at Comic Con, an age difference most citizens find “off putting.”

David Lurkes
City Historian, he has lived in Byron City his entire life

Pros
He knows everything about Byron City and knows everyone in it. He is one of Byron City’s best known citizens.

Cons
No one has talked to David Lurkes in person for 3 years. Possibly has become a shut in.

Dr. Evan Frederick
Dr. Frederick, who practices family medicine in Byron,  has been going door to door asking for support in the upcoming race.

Pros
“I’m smarter and more educated than most people in this town, I exercise more, and I remember to clear the microwave timer when I finish heating something before the time runs out, unlike SOME people in this city,” said Dr. Frederick in an unsolicited telephone interview with me about the mayoral appointment.

Cons
Unofficially diagnosed with OCD and, according to most citizens, “acts a little gay.”

____________________________________________

City Council is expected to announce a decision early next week.

Verily, the Renaissance Festival is Nigh!

Yea, verily, the 2012 Byron City Renaissance Festival is nigh at hand! On this coming day of Satur, tomorrow, we will meet to feast on mead, giant turkey legs, shepherd’s pie, cinnamon almonds, and probably some nachos. Ooo! And funnel cakes.

Come one, come all, to the event of the yesteryear! Witness jousting, puppetry, sword swallowing, blacksmithery, flute-ery, large breasted saucy wenches, men with whimsical facial hair, stacks of hay everywhere, Goths who want a change of scenery, and the faint but constant smell of manure.

Partake in the mirth and merriment with our many games, such as “Jacob’s Ladder, “ “Throw the Pie at the Jester,” “Duck-Duck-Small Pox,” and “Who’s Got My Syphilis?” And if ye seek boldly, ye may even find “Ye Olde Kissing Booth” to satisfy ye lusty desires for romance with an enchanting mistress…or mister if that be your preference. We got complaints last year.

I wilst be there the day entire, and wiltst be performing my sword swallowing act, though I never did find my custom-made fire sword of Arakron. Other shows: Sir Billy shall be performing a juggling act, Sir Gary will be performing a Jester Comedy act, and Sir Arnold will be doing people’s taxes. It’s that time of year, and he could use the money.

So come one, come all!  Fill your belly and your lust for gaiety ( the old definition…not that there be anything wrong with the new definition, I’m just sayin’…) at the Byron City Renaissance Festival!

Tickets be $20 for ladies and gents, $10 for lads, lasses, and the elderly. We accept cash, credit, bags of Spanish doubloons, pieces of eight, or the head of the nefarious tyrant King Henry the 8^th! Haha, but seriously, just bring cash or credit. No checks.

Oh, and if ye see a man dressed like Jack Sparrow at the festival, report it to the authorities immediately. He is NOT allowed to be there.

King Jeff and Queen Kaitlyn enjoying a royal feast.

Merriment and Gaiety.

The fair wench working the kissing booth this year! My my!

And this is the male option at the kissing booth.