illegal | The City of Byron City

Sir Ryan, our new Mayor and former leader of the town’s Medieval club, is at again, this time with even more “improvements.” Here’s the latest in his renaissance upgrades:

Putting out fires through prayer and solemn latin hymns.

Has replaced 90% of city streetlights with torch lights, laying off a large portion of city utility workers in the process.
Lowered speed limit to 10 mph to match the max acceptable speed by “beast of burden.”
Replaced city bus service with carts pulled by “serfs.”
Police guns have been replaced with swords, and the fire department is now a convent of Gregorian monks.

In a curious move, Mayor Sir Ryan has also pardoned and released the famous “Sarcastic Thief,” the robber who managed to rob a local convenience store armed only with sarcasm earlier this year. It appears the sarcastic thief is now employed by Mayor Sir Ryan as his staff press secretary. In a press conference held this morning, he said:

“Some of you have complained that Sir Ryan’s newest laws are crazy. Let me tell you that we are sooOOooOOoo concerned about that, since you all are TOTALLY the smartest people on the planet. Sure, we’ll get right on fixing that right away, don’t you worry. Oh, and Ted, great article about Byron High School’s latest tutoring program. REALLY exciting stuff. Bravo,” saying the last phrase while clapping loudly and slowly with an un-amused facial expression.

I believe Sir Ryan has gone to far. Someone should do something. Stay tuned as the unrest continues.

From the Office of the Mayor:

The stop sign at Main and Ambrose has been replaced after an unknown citizen made an innocent stop sign say something racist. Due to the offensive nature of the vandalism, I will not place a picture of the sign here, but I will say, on behalf of all the citizens, that we do not wish to “STOP the jews,” but welcome jews and all faiths and races to live the American dream right here in Byron City.

This sort of behavior needs to stop. It’s costing the city money, and no one is amused. In an effort to nip this behavior right in the butt, we’ve decided to post some of the offendors that have happened in the city over the past few years so we can crack down on valdals. If you know who is responsible for any of these acts, please let the office of the mayor know at mayorchuckbarther@gmail.com

We do not want citizens collaborating nor listening at STOP signs. We want them stopping.

I agree. We should stop hammertime. But this is neither the time nor the place.

I like John Wayne, but this is still illegal.

haha.

Cost to replace stop sign? $150. Cost to stop Voldermort? Nothing, because he's not real. Think, people.

Apparently someone wasn't happy with the amount they were fined for not performing a complete stop at this stop sign.

The answer is of course "no one," but that still doesn't make vandalism ok.

That's just inappropriate. This is a family town.

This type of graffiti happens all too often, most likely the work of our teenage and drunk population. But of course, we admit, sometimes it is our fault:

Traffic was backed up for five hours because of this mistake.

We placed our "Jobs for Illiteracy" candidates elsewhere after this.

We wanted to emphasis the importance of stopping at this intersection by doubling the sign, but unfortunately it came across a little convoluted.

Yea, I don't know how this happened.

So please, respect Byron City, and stop defacing our STOP signs. Also, stop writing “Press Button, Receive Bacon” on the hand dryers in public restrooms. It wasn’t funny the first time I saw it and it still isn’t.

Sincerely,

Mayor Chuck Barther