Mayor Chuck Indicted, Sir Ryan for Mayor, Sarcastic Thief Makes Judge Cry- Byron City News Digest

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther Indicted

Byron City Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther was indicted yesterday on charges of unlawfully appointing citizens to City Counsel in exchange for political favors.

Mayor Chuck

Mayor Barther allegedly gave Byron City resident Sir Ryan a place on City Counsel in exchange for removing his Byron City Medieval Club friends from the Occupy Byron City protests late last year.

That same Sir Ryan is reported to also be the one spreading evidence of the crime and his unlawful appointment.

“Hark! I thus tempted the Mayor to commit the illegal act in order to reveal the treachery and corruption that lay in the heart of our govern’ment. I did it with only the good of the city in mind,” said Sir Ryan with his right arm stretched to the sky while a friend played a recorder-flute behind him.

“There’s no evidence except for a doctored tape made by a man who’s latest contribution to City Counsel was a proposal for a subsidy on multicolored tights,” responded Mayor Chuck. “This is a power grab, plain and simple. He can expect a libel suit when this is over.”

Sir Ryan Announces Mayoral Bid

Byron City resident Sir Ryan has announced that he is running to occupy the Office of Mayor once “Mayor Chuck has been kicked out.”

Sir Ryan

Mayoral Re-election is not scheduled to happen until October of 2014, but that has not stopped Sir Ryan from accusing Mayor Chuck of corruption and abuse of power and demanding he be named the new Mayor. He has gone so far as to make very specific and lofty campaign promises to citizens.

“He promised me the City’s first ever cage-free, free-range, organic, fair-trade, wind-powered, locally farm grown coffee shop! I couldn’t be more excited!” said citizen Willow Van Wess, city Liberal.

“He promised to make me Vice Mayor. Which totally kicks major boot-ay. This town would totally stop sucking if I ran things. Let me introduce you to my cabinet: Annabelle and BoomBoom,” said Bob Van Daniels indicating his biceps.

Not all citizens were swayed by Sir Ryan’s campaign promises. “He promised me he’d build the first gay bar in Byron City. But I’m not gay, so I’m not sure why he’d promise me that,” said citizen Dr. Evan Frederick. “No, really, I’m not. Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sarcastic Thief Sentenced, Makes Judge Cry

The thief accused of holding up a gas station with nothing but sarcasm was sentenced to 2 years in prison today. It sentence was originally set for five years but was reduced when lawyers pointed out that the thief used no deadly force or threat, and even more so after the suspect belittled the judge to the point of tears.

“Oh wow, look at your robs, you look sooOOooOOoo regal and intimidating. I’m totally standing out of respect, and not because I’m being forced to,” the thief said upon rising when the judge first entered the courtroom.

The thief spent the rest of the trial sighing loudly and bobbling his head while making jazz hands and saying “OoooooOOooo I’m sooo bad,” anytime the prosecution spoke condemningly of his crime.

After dropping the thief’s sentence from five to three years, the thief replied “Wow, I’m totally scared of prison. And I was totally fooled by your toupee, your honor,” while using air quotes while saying both “fooled” and “your honor.”

The Judge broke into tears, reduced the sentence to two years, then swiftly instructed the bailiff to get the “big meanie” out of his courtroom.

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Stop Defacing Stop Signs with Cleverness

From the Office of the Mayor:

The stop sign at Main and Ambrose has been replaced after an unknown citizen made an innocent stop sign say something racist. Due to the offensive nature of the vandalism, I will not place a picture of the sign here, but I will say, on behalf of all the citizens, that we do not wish to “STOP the jews,” but welcome jews and all faiths and races to live the American dream right here in Byron City.

This sort of behavior needs to stop. It’s costing the city money, and no one is amused. In an effort to nip this behavior right in the butt, we’ve decided to post some of the offendors that have happened in the city over the past few years so we can crack down on valdals. If you know who is responsible for any of these acts, please let the office of the mayor know at mayorchuckbarther@gmail.com

We do not want citizens collaborating nor listening at STOP signs. We want them stopping.

I agree. We should stop hammertime. But this is neither the time nor the place.

I like John Wayne, but this is still illegal.

haha.

Cost to replace stop sign? $150. Cost to stop Voldermort? Nothing, because he's not real. Think, people.

Apparently someone wasn't happy with the amount they were fined for not performing a complete stop at this stop sign.

The answer is of course "no one," but that still doesn't make vandalism ok.

That's just inappropriate. This is a family town.

This type of graffiti happens all too often, most likely the work of our teenage and drunk population. But of course, we admit, sometimes it is our fault:

Traffic was backed up for five hours because of this mistake.

We placed our "Jobs for Illiteracy" candidates elsewhere after this.

We wanted to emphasis the importance of stopping at this intersection by doubling the sign, but unfortunately it came across a little convoluted.

Yea, I don't know how this happened.

So please, respect Byron City, and stop defacing our STOP signs. Also, stop writing “Press Button, Receive Bacon” on the hand dryers in public restrooms. It wasn’t funny the first time I saw it and it still isn’t.

Sincerely,

Mayor Chuck Barther