The Academy Awards, aka the Oscars, aka the worst award show on the planet, will take place on February 24th. They have already announced the nominees, with the Best Picture category garnering the most attention and stealing the glory away from other awards such as Best Cinematography and Best Sound Mixing and Best Person to Hold a Boom Mic Over An Actor’s Head.
So which Best Picture nominee will take home the top prize? Which obviously gay star will choose this moment to come out of the closet that he or she wasn’t exactly hiding in to begin with? Will the host this year suck or will they dig Billy Crystal out of his tomb again?
Here are the nominees, along with my prediction of the winner.
“Django Unchained”
Another Tarantino film with a ton of violence and a misspelled title. I don’t know how Tarantino managed to get any filming done when he was constantly whipping blood off of the camera lens I’ll never know. Seriously, this guy loves splattering blood so much I’m surprised he hasn’t been locked away as a serial killer yet. And stop acting in all your own movies. It was cute when Hitchcock did it because he was old and didn’t say anything. You actually try to act. Stick to what you do best: fantasize about killing hundreds of people all day and then writing a screenplay about it. Sicko.
“Les Misérables”
Note to everyone: stop trying to pronounce the name of this film correctly, you sound like you’re dry heaving. Which is exactly what I was doing for real during the entire length of this 3-hour debacle. At least the title, translated to “The Miserables” is accurate. I can’t think of a more miserable movie full of miserable actors who all called in sick for their voice lessons. I liked it better when it was a play, and even better when it was a giant novel I would never read.
“Amour”
Showing that the Academy still gets all-gooey for all things French and cripplingly depressing. I’d rather visit my grandmother in an old folks home built inside of a renovated concentration camp. That experience would be a LOT less depressing.
“Argo”
This whole movie was just an excuse for Ben Affleck to wear crazy 70s suits to work everyday and do what he does best: pretend to be a real life filmmaker. Time to call it quits, Ben. Even after an Oscar-nominated movie, Matt Damon STILL won’t return your phone calls. And your wife has weird toes.
“Lincoln”
I loved this movie. The whole story of Abraham Lincoln trying to end the civil war, outlaw slavery, and kill vampires by night was truly compelling. Wait, that’s not the one that’s nominated? The boring one without vampire killing was nominated? That 2.5-hour waste of my life where Lincoln struggles to accomplish something we already know he’ll accomplish in the first place? The movie that not only has no vampire battles but skipped the part where Lincoln gets his head blown off? The only good part of that movie was watching James Spader freak out when Lincoln walks into the room unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, the academy can choke on their own elbow patches.
“Life of Pi”
I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called Slumdog Millionaire and the CGI tiger was a crazy game show host. I also liked it better when the boy and the tiger were two gay cowboys. Either way, this movie won’t win simply because there weren’t enough other people in this movie to overact for the academy. And not “Indian” enough to get the white-guilt vote.
“Beasts of the Southern Wild”
Another movie no one has ever heard of included only so the Academy still seems “legit.” But when you define legit in the same way a hipster wearing a cookie monster bib defines legit, you are no longer legit. This movie is weird, confusing, and is only nominated because people still feel bad about the whole Louisiana Hurricane Katrina thing.
“Silver Linings Playbook”
Would have liked it better if Jennifer Lawrence broke out her bow and killed all the other contestants to win the movie. Especially Bradley Cooper. He needs to go back to his modeling career, where he just stands there and looks pretty.
“Zero Dark Thirty”
If you make a fake crappy movie about a real awesome event, then you shouldn’t get to be nominated for best picture. It’s cheating. A hair-lipped monkey could have made this story into a Best Picture nominee. Speaking of which, why are we still so enthralled with Kathryn Bigelow? Aren’t we over this whole “women are just as good as men” thing yet? I thought we proved that already and can go back to letting men win at everything again like we’re supposed to.
Predicted Winner: We Are All Losers.
When Hollywood strikes out, we all lose. Wake me when they start making Godfather-calibre movies again.
The City of Byron City 