Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Mis Won Best Picture

best picture 2013 nomineesI’m sitting here writing this article Sunday morning and setting it to post Monday morning because I don’t want to stay up late to write it after all the Hollywood bigwigs have finally stopped talking about how great they are and licking each other’s feet-holes. I’ve written a broad article that covers all three of the top contenders for the 2013 Academy Award for best picture. Just circle the one that actually won and you won’t know the difference.

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable Won Best Picture

danile day lewis oscars

Inside, I hate all of you.

Wow, I can’t believe (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) won best picture! I was happy to see (how excited Ben Affleck looked/how outwardly pleased yet inwardly loathing of everyone around him Daniel Day-Lewis was/ how Anne Hathaway literally laugh-cried into a blubbery mess of mascara and short hair before any winner was actually announced). They certainly deserved their moment in the spotlight. Now I can stop (wondering/hoping/getting annoyed every time someone says the title with a horrible French accent) and move on to congratulate the uncontested winner.

The academy must have (had a hard time choosing/second guessed their decision/thought it would be hilarious) to give this particular film the win, but in the end, I guess they really wanted (a really exciting yet brilliant film to win/a picture with historical gravitas to win/to get “One Day More” stuck in everyone’s head for a few more weeks). I guess it just goes to show that a movie with a lot of (heart/brilliant acting/actors who can’t sing) is still the best formula for making classic cinema.

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It shall be my greatest performance, be-yotch.

At first I was shocked when they announced (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) was the winner, but the more I think about it, the less surprised I am. First of all, (Alan Arkin’s/Daniel Day-Lewis’s/Hugh Jackman’s) stunning portrayal as (a slimy Hollywood insider turned CIA agent/an iconic leader at America’s most difficult crossroad/a gay Hollywood heart-throb pretending to be a straight actor) was nothing short of brilliant.

Second, the (writing/production design/volume of terrifyingly disgusting prostitutes) was at a level not often seen in movies these days. And third, it must have taken years for (John Goodman/Sally Field/Helena Bonham Carter) to perfect that (sly sense of surly confidence/ability to channel one of history’s most famous first ladies/ creepy-looking eyeball face thing she does).

Helena-Bonham-Carter

Yup, that’s the look.

My hat goes off to the director, who no doubt (has done his greatest work to date/must have spent years studying and immersing himself in the time period/just ripped everything off of the Broadway production). And that scene where (the American’s get stopped at the airport/ the Amendment is being voted on in the House/Amanda Seyfried and Eddie Redmayne attempt to sing at each other) was a complete nail biter! I almost couldn’t watch!

Of course, no movie is perfect, and this year’s winner is no exception. It could have done better with (character development/historical inaccuracies/trying too hard to make me cry) but overall it was a truly brilliant performance worthy of (your movie collection/the history books/Kathryn Bigelow’s disdain). No doubt all the fans of this film are currently (happy Ben Affleck finally got the praise he deserves/discussing the film’s message for our modern age/sacrificing a virgin on the altar of Victor Hugo).

So here’s to this year’s winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture! Hopefully your success will inspire many more movies with (intelligent intrigue/timeless importance/Russell Crowe’s beard) in the years to come.

Now will everyone stop bring up Dare Devil already?

Thank you. Now can we just forget about Daredevil from now on please?

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And the Winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture is…!

The Academy Awards, aka the Oscars, aka the worst award show on the planet, will take place on February 24th. They have already announced the nominees, with the Best Picture category garnering the most attention and stealing the glory away from other awards such as Best Cinematography and Best Sound Mixing and Best Person to Hold a Boom Mic Over An Actor’s Head.

So which Best Picture nominee will take home the top prize? Which obviously gay star will choose this moment to come out of the closet that he or she wasn’t exactly hiding in to begin with? Will the host this year suck or will they dig Billy Crystal out of his tomb again?

Here are the nominees, along with my prediction of the winner.

“Django Unchained”

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Another Tarantino film with a ton of violence and a misspelled title. I don’t know how Tarantino managed to get any filming done when he was constantly whipping blood off of the camera lens I’ll never know. Seriously, this guy loves splattering blood so much I’m surprised he hasn’t been locked away as a serial killer yet. And stop acting in all your own movies. It was cute when Hitchcock did it because he was old and didn’t say anything. You actually try to act. Stick to what you do best: fantasize about killing hundreds of people all day and then writing a screenplay about it. Sicko.

“Les Misérables”

Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean Les Misérables

Note to everyone: stop trying to pronounce the name of this film correctly, you sound like you’re dry heaving. Which is exactly what I was doing for real during the entire length of this 3-hour debacle. At least the title, translated to “The Miserables” is accurate. I can’t think of a more miserable movie full of miserable actors who all called in sick for their voice lessons. I liked it better when it was a play, and even better when it was a giant novel I would never read.

“Amour”

Amour film

Showing that the Academy still gets all-gooey for all things French and cripplingly depressing. I’d rather visit my grandmother in an old folks home built inside of a renovated concentration camp. That experience would be a LOT less depressing.

“Argo”

ARGO

This whole movie was just an excuse for Ben Affleck to wear crazy 70s suits to work everyday and do what he does best: pretend to be a real life filmmaker. Time to call it quits, Ben. Even after an Oscar-nominated movie, Matt Damon STILL won’t return your phone calls. And your wife has weird toes.

“Lincoln”

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I loved this movie. The whole story of Abraham Lincoln trying to end the civil war, outlaw slavery, and kill vampires by night was truly compelling. Wait, that’s not the one that’s nominated? The boring one without vampire killing was nominated? That 2.5-hour waste of my life where Lincoln struggles to accomplish something we already know he’ll accomplish in the first place? The movie that not only has no vampire battles but skipped the part where Lincoln gets his head blown off? The only good part of that movie was watching James Spader freak out when Lincoln walks into the room unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, the academy can choke on their own elbow patches.

“Life of Pi”

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I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called Slumdog Millionaire and the CGI tiger was a crazy game show host. I also liked it better when the boy and the tiger were two gay cowboys. Either way, this movie won’t win simply because there weren’t enough other people in this movie to overact for the academy. And not “Indian” enough to get the white-guilt vote. 

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”

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Another movie no one has ever heard of included only so the Academy still seems “legit.” But when you define legit in the same way a hipster wearing a cookie monster bib defines legit, you are no longer legit. This movie is weird, confusing, and is only nominated because people still feel bad about the whole Louisiana Hurricane Katrina thing.

“Silver Linings Playbook”

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Would have liked it better if Jennifer Lawrence broke out her bow and killed all the other contestants to win the movie. Especially Bradley Cooper. He needs to go back to his modeling career, where he just stands there and looks pretty.

“Zero Dark Thirty”

zero dark thirty

If you make a fake crappy movie about a real awesome event, then you shouldn’t get to be nominated for best picture. It’s cheating. A hair-lipped monkey could have made this story into a Best Picture nominee. Speaking of which, why are we still so enthralled with Kathryn Bigelow? Aren’t we over this whole “women are just as good as men” thing yet? I thought we proved that already and can go back to letting men win at everything again like we’re supposed to.

Predicted Winner: We Are All Losers.

When Hollywood strikes out, we all lose. Wake me when they start making Godfather-calibre movies again.

I’ve Still Never Seen Star Wars

That’s right, you read the title of the post correctly. I have never seen Star Wars. I’m one of the weirdos that you didn’t think existed anymore outside of the Tibetan mountains and a few Amish settlements, but here I am, a grown-freaking man living in the modern age who
hasn’t seen Star Wars, and you know what? I’m glad. I don’t know why people keep telling Luke that they are his father and I don’t care, and if your only hope is some guy named Obi-Juan Ken Doll or whatever, then you’re pretty much screwed, because that’s a stupid name.

Who are these people? You know what, I don’t care.

How did I manage to go my entire life without seeing Star Wars? Well, I was raised in a very strict home where my parents didn’t allow us to watch stupid things that couldn’t happen in real life. So I also didn’t get to watch Ghostbusters, E.T., Back to the Future, Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, or Amadeus (historically inaccurate movies were out, too). Then in high school I got really involved with the newly formed rap club (I had some mad fresh rhymes), in college and med school I was busy studying and didn’t have time for movies, and then after I graduated I was too busy having a life to care about space ninjas or whatever the story is about. And with every passing year, more and more people are shocked that I haven’t seen those dumb Star Wars movies. They don’t care that we haven’t cured cancer yet or that we still haven’t come up with a way to cancel when we push the wrong button on the elevator, but for some reason the fact that some human beings haven’t seen Star Wars yet fills them with disbelief and anxiety.

I didn’t do it on purpose, I always meant to see them eventually. But now that it has been so long and I’m one of the few people on the planet apparently whose brain hasn’t been smeared by some SciFi popcorn movie, I kind of like that I haven’t seen them. It makes me feel special. Plus, I get to use it to annoy nerds for the rest of my life. That’s a gift you  don’t take for granted.

For example, when our county hosted their own ComicCon, I went wearing a shirt that said “I’ve Never Seen Star Wars ” and watched as the nerds fainted in my wake. I told every person holding a light saber that I liked their popsicle walking sticks, and I once told a grown man with a Star Wars backpack (yes, a grown man) that Jar Jar Binks was a way better side-kick than Chewy. I hear he’s in a coma.

Remember, I don’t know who those characters are, but I do my research. And it has paid off.

So yea, I’ve managed not to watch Star Wars for a few decades now and I’ll make it a few more. Maybe in the future when a new study comes out that finds Star Wars gives you eyeball cancer I won’t look so stupid anymore, now will I? No, I won’t. You will, because you won’t have eyes anymore due to the eyeball cancer. The cancer you didn’t cure because you were more worried about getting me to watch those movies. And as the only person left on the earth with eyeballs, I will be your king and watch Gilmore Girls and Private Practice over and over again and tell you how much better it is than Star Wars.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some rare 1979 original Star Wars actions figures I bought off of eBay that I need to burn and post on Youtube. Bwah ha ha…

Avengers Movie Review: No one can avenge this atomic bomb

*Contains spoilers. Not that you can spoil an already terrible movie.

I watched Avengers this weekend. Why didn’t I see this “blockbuster” opening weekend? As fun as standing in line to watch a movie with a bunch of grown men in spandex Captain Virginity costumes that they haven’t washed since Comic Con Atlanta, I had better things to do, and preferred to see this train wreck when the nerds and losers had crawled back into their mothers’ basements to play Zombie Board games with their imaginary girlfriend (who they perpetually imagine dressed in the Princess Leia slave costume and is fascinated with their knowledge of 14th century weaponry blacksmithing).

So I finally went this weekend to watch Joss Whedon play with his action figures, and of course, it was horrendous. It made me wish Jeremy Renner had been blown up in The Hurt Locker and Scarlett Johansson had been trampled by that horse in The Horse Whisperer. At the very least, someone needs to pay the New Orleans Saints to go and beat the crap out of every member of the product staff.

Why so harsh? First of all, I’m never too harsh (just see my Hunger Games review). Second, is there anything in this movie besides Mark Ruffalo’s chest hair that WASN’T CGI? Did they even need the actor’s on set, or did they just film Robert Downy Jr. in his living room for a week and computer generate a movie around it? If I wanted to watch something that was 90% fake, I’d watch C-SPAN. With all that CGI you’d think they’d be able to construct a compelling story. But I guess there isn’t a “Make Relevant and Interesting” tool on Photoshop yet.

Third, for an action movie, it moves about as fast as Stephen Hawking pushed into a swimming pool. I’ve seriously had bowel movements that move faster and smell better than this movie. The main bad guy spends the first 20% of the movie getting his butt kicked, the next 70% of the movie sitting in jail, and the last 10% of the movie commanding an army of Lord of the Rings Orc rejects and giant worms stolen from the movie Tremors. Wake me when Natalie Portman makes her cameo. So that I can boo her.

Fourth, it’s littered with stupid plot points:

  • How is Captain America still alive in 2012? He was frozen. Yea, in ice. Brilliant. Cough cough.
  • The Black Widow’s hair and makeup stays perfect no matter how many times she gets shot, punched, smashed, or spends an extended amount of time in a humid environment. And for the entire length of the movie not a single male hits on her. Is the Avengers universe populated solely by flaming homos? The answer: Thor.
  • The clothes of the Hulk shred off when he transforms, but the upper part of his pants miraculously stay in tact. Either no one wants to see a Hulk dong, or it’s a brilliant product placement by Dockers Bear Grylls collection.
  • How did Cobie Smulders get in this movie? Guess she’ll have plenty of stories to tell on the set of How I Met Your Monstrously Bad Career.
  • If black people naturally liked nerdy SciFi and comic book movies, Samuel L. Jackson would be out of work.
  • The Avengers defeat the bad guys by dropping a really big bomb on them. I couldn’t find a better symbolic end to this movie than that.

But being a bad movie isn’t exactly a crime (unless that movie happens to be Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, in which case everyone involved in the making of that movie should be locked up forever sharing a cell with the big hairy sweaty gay man from Prison Break). But the unpardonable crime of this movie was the ruining of the seven classic characters it portrays.

In this version of the Avengers, the main bad guy, Loki, is a dung beetle, who plays dead and emits a foul odour when threatened. But the movie execs didn’t stop there when turning the movie’s main villain into the kind of unfunny joke that would make Adam Sandler drool. They gave Loki an instant-kill brain-washing magical staff and hardly let him use it. Odd. It’s like when the Power Rangers would fight a villain for 20 minutes, almost fail, then change into a giant robot at the last minute and win instantly. Why don’t you just change into your giant robot from the get-go, idiots! If Loki had just used his impotent staff of death to wail on people non-stop from the very beginning, the movie would have been over in only 15 merciful minutes and I would have got 5 and a half hours of my life back.

Compared to the powers of all the other characters, Captain America is the lamest. His super power is that he is bossier and louder than all the other Avengers, which apparently makes him the leader. At least that much is true to reality. Where was that power to boss others around during other dangerous situations, like when his agent convinced him to do Not Another Teen Movie? At least he didn’t have to say embarrassing and predictable lines like “Hulk Smash,” right? Oh, wait. That happened. And it was supposed to be clever. Some movie exec somewhere is smiling to himself on the toilet over the inclusion of that little gem.

And how did Robert Downy Jr. focus on playing Iron Man when he was getting paid a gazillion dollars more than every single one of his co-actors combined? He must have been getting hot sauce in his underwear every day. Oh, and there’s about as much sexual attraction between Tony Stark and Pepper Potts as Elton John at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show.

It’s sad that I was the only one in the theatre who cheered when Loki stabbed Phil. Mostly because I thought the movie was over and I could go home. Nope. Only three more hours to go after that.

I could go on and on about the horrors of this movie, but I won’t, because you’re more than likely still recovering from the hours of crap this movie made you endure in the darkness of a crowded, overpriced movie theatre. Just take this as a warning, if you haven’t seen The Avengers, don’t feed the hideous beast known as the Summer Blockbuster. If you have seen it, and hated it I feel your pain. If you saw it and liked it, may God have mercy on your brain.

By the way, someone should check on Stan Lee to make sure he hasn’t committed seppuku.

Score for the Avengers: F – –

Nice job, idiots.

I’m Starting to Regret My Hunger Games Tattoo

Last month, the Hunger Games movie came out, and I admit it, I really liked it. I loved the books, and the movie was everything I hoped it could be. Still, now that the fervor has died down and life is back to normal, I’m starting to regret my Hunger Games tattoo. Just a little.

I mean, it seemed like such a good idea at the time. Tax season had just ended, so things were quiet around my accounting office, and then during lunch Ted just blurted out, “Hey, wouldn’t it be hilarious if Shane got a tattoo right now!” and I was like, “Don’t dare me! I’ll totally do it!” and then Ted was like “I totally dare you, you pansy,” and I was like “Oh it’s on now, son!” and all of us just closed up the office and headed out and the next thing I knew I had a tattoo of the mocking jay on my arm.

I guess it was kind of a rash decision, but at the time I was really happy I did it. Well, by “happy” I mean I was laughing because I totally got a Hunger Games tattoo on my arm and couldn’t believe I actually did that, and all the guys at work, like, worshipped me for having the balls to not only get a tattoo, but the grass to get one of a silly book for teen girls. Their words, not mine.

It was awesome. Then the weeks went by and suddenly no one at work was talking about the tattoo anymore and I stopped getting “likes” on Facebook about it, so now…jeez… maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all.

I mean, I like the overall message of “May the Odds be Ever in your Favor,” but this thing is going to be on my arm FOREVER. I didn’t really stop to think about that when I was in the chair drinking that Heineken Ted bought me and betting Kenneth $20 that I wouldn’t flinch when the needle started buzzing, but now that I’ve had a few moments alone to think about it…maybe it wasn’t the best decision I ever made.

Wow, now that I’m actually typing this out, and reliving the moment in my head when we left the parlor and all the guys were carrying me on their shoulders and then play-hitting me on my sore arm while we all got beers at O’Connells and laughed about the whole thing and how “legendary” it all was, just before Ryan threw up on a bar stool and the bouncer kicked us out for throwing darts in people’s beer pitchers and then Ted asked if he could crash on my couch because “things aren’t so good with the wife,” I’m starting to freak out a little bit. Ten years from now, this will be like having a James Cameron’s Titanic tattoo on my arm, or a tattoo of the Chocolate Rain kid. Ah! What have I done?! What am I doing with my life?! Why do I feel like I’m asleep all of the time and that I have no purpose in life?!! I’m just numb all the time!

Sigh. I miss high school.

The Hunger Games? More like the Boring Games- A candid review of The Hunger Games Movie

Gerald here, with another insightful review where I point out all the flaws of a movie you love that you were too dumb to notice on your own. Today’s review is for the “hit” movie, The Hunger Games. Or as I like to call it, the Boring Games.

I never thought a movie about a bunch of whiney, hormonal kids locked into a dangerous arena and forced to kill each other down to the last man would be boring. But it happened to be just that.

May the pen knife be ever stabbing my own eyes out.

Most movies based on books aren’t as good as the book it’s based on, which means this movie never had a chance since the book was also terrible. It accomplishes the impossible task of making me yearn for the days of Nazi Germany just so that I can have the privilege of throwing my copy of this book into a flaming pile of discarded literature.

But back to the movie. First of all, Katniss has about as much emotion in her performance as my mother does when describing her bunions. She screams for her sister at the beginning of the movie, sure, but then decides the rest of the movie that she’s just ok with everything as-is. My mentor is Woody Harrelson in a bad wig? Sure! Everyone in the capital looks like they are part of a Lady Gaga look-alike contest in hell? Why not? Lenny Kravitz is my gay fashion designer? Absolutely! The boy who came here with me and has had a secret crush on me his entire life knows how to paint himself to blend in completely with the trees and rocks around him? Not creepy at all!

And that leads me to my critique of the other lead character: Peeta. He’s supposed to be the hero to Katniss’s heroin, but he’s shorter than Katniss and always looks like he just accidentally saw your mom in the shower and feels guilty about it. “But Gerald,” you scream at me like a gerbil with its nuts caught in an exercise wheel. “Tom Cruise is also short and he has had a very successful career as a hero!” True, but Tom Cruise also sucks major, major balls and eats baby placenta.

But let’s return to the main point of my review. There are 23 deaths in this movie, 1 near death, 2 almost-suicides, and a guy with a meticulously groomed flame-beard that would make the Backstreet Boys jealous, yet my pulse beats faster at the Laundromat than at this movie. First, more than half of the movie is spent on the Capital picking the tributes, transporting the tributes, training the tributes, the tributes sitting on a rooftop talking about their feelings, and Jack Bauer’s Dad clipping roses without asking the director why he looks more like Santa Clause than an evil dictator. That leaves only about 15 minutes for actual hunger-gaming.

Second, when the Hunger Games finally start, you don’t get to see 90% of the deaths. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure was more violent than this movie, and that’s not including the Large Marge scenes. In a movie all about teen angst gone wrong and adolescent girls finally using their periods to gain a tactical advantage in a war zone, Hollywood producers have us watching Swiss Family Robinson, telling us we can sit at the grown-ups table once we’ve learned how to make rated-R movies profitable.

You can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

Third, where was the romance? Yes, I did read the book, and yes, I do appreciate the value and depth that a good romance brings to a movie. That being said, I’d rather watch worms reproduce asexually than watch the love triangle between Katniss, Peeta, and Gale. In the book, Katniss is quickly torn between two men that she desperately kinda sorta thinks she might like. That’s at least something. In the movie, the sexual tension is so thin you could cut it with a rounded plastic spoon that hospitals give retards to eat with. Peeta seems more interested in performing in The Capital’s revival of “Hair” than he is in scoring himself some Katniss booty, Gale seems overly confident that his “brood and say nothing intelligent” approach will put him ahead, and Katniss is successfully focused on giving no one a boner. If I had to choose between “Team Peeta” and “Team Gale,” I’d choose the Charlotte Bobcats, cuz even they score more than these two lame-o’s.

The movie was so bad, that the only way it could have redeemed itself was if the role of Cato would have been played by Robert Pattinson so that I could at least realize my fantasy of watching Edward get eaten by a pack of genetically engineered mutant dogs. Sigh…looks like we’ll have to wait for the 25 year anniversary edition for that cut.

So that’s my review. Some of you Hunger-lings might be mad at me for telling it like it is. I had a similar reaction from Twi-hards when I blasted the Twilight “movies” (the word movies is in quotes for a reason). And I don’t care. I give it three thumbs down, because I’m willing to sew on an extra thumb that has been grown on the back of a lab rat just to give it an extra point of disapproval.

Save your money. And may the teen idol movies be never in your favor.

Yup, basically sums up my feelings after the movie.

Twilight Glamorizes Getting Pregnant with a Demon Baby

I saw the new Twilight movie: Breaking Dawn part 1, at Byron AMC Cinemas last night with my best girlfriends, and even though I’m, like, a totally huge Twilight fan, along with Gossip Girl, the new 90210 Series, I have some problems with how the movie portrays Kristen Stewart.

See, the movie totally glamorizes women who are pregnant with a demon baby. Having a womb monster is supposed to be traumatic and horrifying, like we saw in Rosemarys Baby, Alien, The Omen, Octomom, and I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, but instead of showing the realities of carrying baby satan, they make Kristen look like she’s living the life of a supermodel.

1st, she’s skinny, gaunt, pale white, I mean, totally hot! I would KILL to be that skinny! Take away the baby bump, and Kristen Stewart could be walking the runways of Paris. That should not be the case with someone about to give birth to the antichrist.

2nd, she’s surrounded by hot men doting on her every need! That’s what happens when your the only girl at the Fantastic X Club downtown and it’s 2am and your wearing something a little slutty, but not when you’re pregnant.

3rd, after she has the baby, instead of having her entire life ruined like what normally happens when people have babies, she actually gets super powers? Lame. Unrealistic. I doubt the next movie will show Bella having to stay home on a saturday night to read it Satan Dr. Seuss books while it spits up blood all over her, instead of going clubbing and making out with boys. That’s irresponsible of Hollywood and Twilight NOT to show these realities. Every time I think of accidentally getting pregnant, even with hottie Robert Pattinson…major shudder.

Anyways, I just thought I’d bring it up, since I’m a pretty big feminist and hate it when women are misrepresented in the media. Like when Charlize Theron had to be fat for that one movie she was in. That was totally not cool of Hollywood.

Loves!

– Tiffany Kim

Notes:

  • Mery Astrella, my college tutor and roommate’s brother, may or may not have helped me write this. Which reminds me, I need to get my algebra homework back from him.
  • If I was a Twilight Vampire, I think my super power would be a combination of being able to tell the future like Alice, with the ability to balance the Feng Shui in any room, and to make anyone I want fall in love with me. Yea, that would be PER-fect (: