Last week we posted a list of potential candidates to fill in as a short-term mayor until actual elections in 2014. Unfortunately, several candidates were left off the list…all of them female. This has led to rumors of sabotage and gender-discrimination that we are putting to rest by posting the additional candidates here.
Willow VanWess
Willow teaches creative writing at Byron High School. She is already active in the community and has shown her skills with public organization by getting a few members of the town to participate in Occupy Byron City.
Pros:
She uses better grammar than most of the other candidates. She will also be able to inform the rest of the city council when it’s appropriate to use apostrophes, which will help in clarifying a lot of the councils proposal’s.
Cons:
It is rumored she will try to replace all school cafeterias with organic gardens to teach students how to produce, harvest, and cook their own food. Animals will only be used to fertilize the garden, denying them their God-given right to be delicious.
Michelle Stevens
Michelle is the head chef at Le Tableau; Byron City’s only two-and-a-half star restaurant. She has three children and considers being an “awesome mom” her most important contribution to the town.
Pros:
She’s learned how to balance career and family while still looking great and winning Byron City’s annual “Most Coveted Lawn” award. If made mayor, you can bet she’ll make this town look better than a Norman Rockwell painting.
Cons:
Some are skeptical as to her abilities to run a family, a restaurant, and a town. Stevens claims that she’s perfectly capable. Each new responsibility just adds another shot in her morning cappuccino, lunchtime latte, afternoon coffee break and red-bull vodka (only on the weekend).
Lady Cerridwen
Lady Cerridwen is a former member of Byron City’s Medieval Club, but has now gone rogue. She claims she left due to “…the tyrannical rule of Sir Ryan, who violently quelled opposition through means most base, and forbade the Order of the Goddess from having a voice in the Club’s councils. I say to you, Sir Ryan… Pog Mahon!”
Pros:
Lady Cerridwen has been known to speak modern English when it is appropriate and could act as a translator for members of the Medieval Club. She has also promised to eliminate any future threats of giant bats with appeals to Cernunnos, though no one is familiar with that extermination company.
Cons:
She would institute Gaelic holidays and celebrations even though most of the town is not Irish. She has also threatened to cast spells on those who oppose her, and witchcraft has not been approved by the city council.
Laurel Sandberg-Armstrong
Laurel is a recent addition-and currently the only female-on Byron’s City Council. She and her husband moved to Byron City only ten years ago, have a new baby, and are hoping to start a theater company. Though currently the only stage is in Byron High School’s gym, she is sure the citizens wouldn’t mind a “fun tax” to pay for a new, state-of-the-art theater.
Pros:
She relates well to the women of the town who admire her ability to create big hair without a Bumpit. She also used to be a professional performer who has toured nationally and apparently had a job singing 50’s music at an American-themed diner in Japan. She will be a breath of fresh air for the small town of Byron.
Cons:
Theater people are weird.
Stephanie Banks-Dickson
Stephanie is the owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming and has also helped with community involvement by organizing Byron City’s first talent show and dog show in the last year. She says getting involved in the race was a no-brainer once her BFF (and fellow running-mate) Dr. Evan Fredrick told her he would drop-out if she ran so he could be her personal assistant and pick her wardrobe.
Pros:
She is a local business owner and entrepreneur, and is very well known to many of Byron City’s dog-owners…at least the well-groomed ones. She says her experience in pageants will help her be an effective leader, “…because I gained confidence, knowledge about myself, and learned that when you look awesome, people care about what you say.”
Cons:
It is worried that she may enact “grooming laws” for dogs, under the pretense of increasing public health and cuteness, but it would also conveniently funnel more business into Faux Paws.
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The council is set to make a decision by the end of the week. But not all response to this women’s movement has been positive. An anonymous email was sent to the Byron Gazette decrying the consideration of females to the mayorship.
“I will front this injudicious post! They are all vain, flap-mouthed strumpets! They must give subscription to their masters! Perpend on your wifely duties fair fiends, else hie thee to a nunnery!”
Regardless, the Council has confirmed they are considering females, too, and hopefully make the historic decision to appoint Byron City’s first ever female Mayor.
The City of Byron City 