Who Will Be the Next Mayor of Byron City? (Part 2)

Last week we posted a list of potential candidates to fill in as a short-term mayor until actual elections in 2014.  Unfortunately, several candidates were left off the list…all of them female.  This has led to rumors of sabotage and gender-discrimination that we are putting to rest by posting the additional candidates here.

Willow VanWess
Willow teaches creative writing at Byron High School.  She is already active in the community and has shown her skills with public organization by getting a few members of the town to participate in Occupy Byron City.

She uses better grammar than most of the other candidates.  She will also be able to inform the rest of the city council when it’s appropriate to use apostrophes, which will help in clarifying a lot of the councils proposal’s.

It is rumored she will try to replace all school cafeterias with organic gardens to teach students how to produce, harvest, and cook their own food.  Animals will only be used to fertilize the garden, denying them their God-given right to be delicious.

Michelle Stevens
Michelle is the head chef at Le Tableau; Byron City’s only two-and-a-half star restaurant.  She has three children and considers being an “awesome mom” her most important contribution to the town.

She’s learned how to balance career and family while still looking great and winning Byron City’s annual “Most Coveted Lawn” award.  If made mayor, you can bet she’ll make this town look better than a Norman Rockwell painting.

Some are skeptical as to her abilities to run a family, a restaurant, and a town.  Stevens claims that she’s perfectly capable.  Each new responsibility just adds another shot in her morning cappuccino, lunchtime latte, afternoon coffee break and red-bull vodka (only on the weekend).

Lady Cerridwen
Lady Cerridwen is a former member of Byron City’s Medieval Club, but has now gone rogue.  She claims she left due to “…the tyrannical rule of Sir Ryan, who violently quelled opposition through means most base, and forbade the Order of the Goddess from having a voice in the Club’s councils.  I say to you, Sir Ryan… Pog Mahon!”

Lady Cerridwen has been known to speak modern English when it is appropriate and could act as a translator for members of the Medieval Club.  She has also promised to eliminate any future threats of giant bats with appeals to Cernunnos, though no one is familiar with that extermination company.

She would institute Gaelic holidays and celebrations even though most of the town is not Irish.  She has also threatened to cast spells on those who oppose her, and witchcraft has not been approved by the city council.

Laurel Sandberg-Armstrong
Laurel is a recent addition-and currently the only female-on Byron’s City Council.  She and her husband moved to Byron City only ten years ago, have a new baby, and are hoping to start a theater company.  Though currently the only stage is in Byron High School’s gym, she is sure the citizens wouldn’t mind a “fun tax” to pay for a new, state-of-the-art theater.

She relates well to the women of the town who admire her ability to create big hair without a Bumpit.  She also used to be a professional performer who has toured nationally and apparently had a job singing 50’s music at an American-themed diner in Japan.  She will be a breath of fresh air for the small town of Byron.

Theater people are weird.

Stephanie Banks-Dickson
Stephanie is the owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming and has also helped with community involvement by organizing Byron City’s first talent show and dog show in the last year.  She says getting involved in the race was a no-brainer once her BFF (and fellow running-mate) Dr. Evan Fredrick told her he would drop-out if she ran so he could be her personal assistant and pick her wardrobe.

She is a local business owner and entrepreneur, and is very well known to many of Byron City’s dog-owners…at least the well-groomed ones.   She says her experience in pageants will help her be an effective leader, “…because I gained confidence, knowledge about myself, and learned that when you look awesome, people care about what you say.”

It is worried that she may enact “grooming laws” for dogs, under the pretense of increasing public health and cuteness, but it would also conveniently funnel more business into Faux Paws.


The council is set to make a decision by the end of the week. But not all response to this women’s movement has been positive. An anonymous email was sent to the Byron Gazette decrying the consideration of females to the mayorship.

“I will front this injudicious post!  They are all vain, flap-mouthed strumpets!  They must give subscription to their masters!  Perpend on your wifely duties fair fiends, else hie thee to a nunnery!”

Regardless, the Council has confirmed they are considering females, too, and hopefully make the historic decision to appoint Byron City’s first ever female Mayor.



I proclaim my love for Stephanie Banks-Dickson, I pray her husband doesn’t read this.

I henceforth thus proclaim mine undying affection for the fair maiden Stephanie of the house of Banks-Dickson. Though she be wed to an’other, though she feigns not to know of my existence since our days in high school, and though she has oft times complained of me to the local authorities, I can no longer hold my tongue! (Hopefully thy husband is not a reader of this blog, else our exchange be known and he beat the crap out of me)

If I am yet found wanting of thy love, may I be stricken with the plague, or even a zombie virus, for this past fortnight I have played “Left 4 Dead 2” on King Jeff’s “Box of X” and have not only found the game to be most favorable, but the fate of the undead to be most gruesome, and would rather wander the world as one of these loathsome creatures than live a life without thy love. I’d rather endure that torment than live without the ability to call thy number and then quickly hang up when thou answerest, a life where I can no longer wear the headband you dropped at last year’s 5k, a life where I cans’t not pluck hair from thine hairbrush when thou are’st gone and use it to make dolls of thee and our unborn’ed children. Such a world would be a ghoulish nightmare indeed.

Without thy love, going on quests to Little Caesar’s PIzza in thy name would’st just seem weird.

Not that I have done any of those things.

I know thou hast rejected my petitions many times before, but I implore thee, consider mine recent rise to power and prestige in the City Counsel, and if ANY portion of thine heart doth yearn to be one with mine, hang a yellow scarf from thy window as a token of thy love. Don’t worry. I’ve already placed the scarf in thy closet.

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate”

Eternally your knight,

Sir Ryan of the Kingdom of Steven

P.S. That poetry couplet twas Shakespeare. Iambic pentameter. I am an intellectual.

Twilight Glamorizes Getting Pregnant with a Demon Baby

I saw the new Twilight movie: Breaking Dawn part 1, at Byron AMC Cinemas last night with my best girlfriends, and even though I’m, like, a totally huge Twilight fan, along with Gossip Girl, the new 90210 Series, I have some problems with how the movie portrays Kristen Stewart.

See, the movie totally glamorizes women who are pregnant with a demon baby. Having a womb monster is supposed to be traumatic and horrifying, like we saw in Rosemarys Baby, Alien, The Omen, Octomom, and I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, but instead of showing the realities of carrying baby satan, they make Kristen look like she’s living the life of a supermodel.

1st, she’s skinny, gaunt, pale white, I mean, totally hot! I would KILL to be that skinny! Take away the baby bump, and Kristen Stewart could be walking the runways of Paris. That should not be the case with someone about to give birth to the antichrist.

2nd, she’s surrounded by hot men doting on her every need! That’s what happens when your the only girl at the Fantastic X Club downtown and it’s 2am and your wearing something a little slutty, but not when you’re pregnant.

3rd, after she has the baby, instead of having her entire life ruined like what normally happens when people have babies, she actually gets super powers? Lame. Unrealistic. I doubt the next movie will show Bella having to stay home on a saturday night to read it Satan Dr. Seuss books while it spits up blood all over her, instead of going clubbing and making out with boys. That’s irresponsible of Hollywood and Twilight NOT to show these realities. Every time I think of accidentally getting pregnant, even with hottie Robert Pattinson…major shudder.

Anyways, I just thought I’d bring it up, since I’m a pretty big feminist and hate it when women are misrepresented in the media. Like when Charlize Theron had to be fat for that one movie she was in. That was totally not cool of Hollywood.


– Tiffany Kim


  • Mery Astrella, my college tutor and roommate’s brother, may or may not have helped me write this. Which reminds me, I need to get my algebra homework back from him.
  • If I was a Twilight Vampire, I think my super power would be a combination of being able to tell the future like Alice, with the ability to balance the Feng Shui in any room, and to make anyone I want fall in love with me. Yea, that would be PER-fect (:

Ladies, Keep it in Your Shirts

I’ve noticed that many folks are celebrating  National Breast Cancer Awareness Month this October. One of my neighbors is pinning a pink ribbon ridiculously close to her bosom and my sister in-law (who is already quite a rebel) bought a shirt that says “Support your B**bs.”

Now, I don’t want to be insensitive here, but breast cancer has become one of those new excuses for women to perk up and for men to look up pictures of it. I’m talking about the immoral obsession with women’s chests.

When I was younger, a lady never talked about having breast cancer. She kept it tucked inside under a very modest shirt and never told anyone about it. Why don’t we just stick to that?

Wikipedia says that the month of October is also National Book Month. That’s a wonderful holiday. Or National Bullying Prevention Month–let’s stop those mean old bullies! Or LGBT History Month–I know I could go for a sub sandwich right now!

So many good causes. Let’s keep things G-rated and stop focusing on the bosoms here, okay, ladies? Now go on home and make you and your husbands a delicious LGBT sandwich!