Non-Alcoholic St. Patrick’s Day Celebration

Just a reminder to everyone that Saturday I’ll be hosting the Non-Alcoholic St. Patrick’s Day celebration at Moons Field. We’re going to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day the way our ancestors would have wanted: stone cold sober.

That’s right, no booze! That means good ol’ Irish fun without the shenanigans. We’ll have plenty of ice cream, board games, and if you must, nonalcoholic green beer!

I decided to host this party after City Counsel rejected my proposal to curb St. Patrick’s Day over drinking by limiting the city to only one Port-a-Potty for the night. When that failed, I decided throwing my own sober party was the only way to go.

Why do we have to celebrate being Irish by drinking too much? The thought itself is offensive! My great grandfather Shane McWood fled Dublin after being the preeminent, and only, voice for the Irish prohibition movement of the early 20th century. Upon reaching Ellis Island, he changed his name from Shane McWood to Sean Wood, not only to Americanize, but also not to be recognized by an Irish drinking song that was really popular in New York at the time:

“Oh Shane McWood, Shane McWood
Tried to take our brew away
So if you see him sneakin’ ‘bout
Punch his face and stab his eyes out
Bite his toes and cut his throat
Tie his nipples to a galloping horse
Stuff a bottle up his arse
And hang him by his pecker
Yes, hang him by his pecker”

Children’s songs were much more violent back then. So my great grandfather changed his name. But soon, other Irish in the Lower East Side began to be suspicious of his true identify. So he packed and moved to the most obscure town he could find: Byron Valley, known today as Byron City.

He even knew our city’s founder, Byron Wilkes. When they first met, an old and withered Byron called him a dirty potato-eating mick and spat in his face, and Sean Wood stuck a fork in his shoulder. They remained close friends throughout their lives.

So come celebrate your Irish Heritage without being a nuisance! See you all Saturday.


Sausage Fest Restaurant Grand Opening tomorrow!

"Blow her frickin' mind" - Hold Onto Your Buds Flower Shop

Hello to everyone! This is Bob Van Daniels. Many of you know me as the owner of the town’s most awesome, in-your-face flower shop, Hold onto Your Buds, home of the Exploding Tulips, Flaming Roses, and M-80 Daisies. I’ve had a buttload of success since I opened the store ten years ago with nothing but my grandma’s savings and a prayer. Now she drives around on the fastest Hoveround on the planet. Booya!

People always ask me, “Bob, you’re awesome, what’s your next venture.” Well, I will tell you. I’m opening a restaurant. “A restaurant?” you might query, “that sounds totally boring.” First, shut up. Second, I’m Bob Van Daniels, and nothing I do is boring, so hold on to your mind because I’m about to blow it.

The grand opening for my new restaurant: tomorrow afternoon at 12pm. It’s location: 425 Acre Street. It’s name: Sausage Fest.

That’s right, it’s called Sausage Fest. And it’s exactly what it sounds like. Men wearing speedos will be serving you sausages from around the world. It’s the male version of Hooters. And it’s going to be huge.

Some of you might be thinking, “Sausage Fest? That sounds kinda gay.” First, we live in a more enlightened age you homophob, so you better check yourself before you wreck yourself. Second, eating sausages and drinking beer while watching the big game on huge LCD screens in massage recliners is about as non-gay as it gets. Yea, we serve you in massage recliners. I just kicked your paradigm right in the balls.

Hell, yea you can take our orders!

Last, it isn’t just for men! It’s perfect for a girls-night-out, bachelorette parties, baby showers, bat mitzvahs, period parties, and whatever else girls like to celebrate. They’ll enjoy the men with chiseled abs and tight speedos, the men will enjoy the food and games. Everyone wins. Especially me. Because I’m a freaking genius.

So come by tomorrow for the grand opening! First 50 people get a free pitcher of beer! And of course, fireworks and guns are totally permitted.

– Bob Van Daniels