Superbowl Blackout Conspiracy Theory

Beyoncé makes Illuminati symbol to her worshipers during her performance at the Superbowl.

Beyoncé makes Illuminati symbol to her worshipers during her performance at the Superbowl.

The Superbowl was this past Sunday. I usually don’t watch it because of the subliminal messaging and radiation that comes through the television during large scale televised events, but this time I was watching it through a special deflector, and something came up that intrigued me. Just after halftime, as the Baltimore Ravens were completely destroying the 49ers, the power went off. Over 30 minutes later, the power was restored and the game continued. The 49ers came back to nearly win it. The game ended, life went back to normal.

Or so you thought.

You see, the power outage was no accident. Beyoncé isn’t a simple entertainer. And Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos mean something much darker than you could possibly imagine. Take a look again at the chain of events and tell me there is no connection.

Superbowl Blackout Chain of Events

End of Second Quarter — The Score: Ravens 21, 49ers 6

Halftime — Beyoncé Performs. Sings anti-marriage /  government-forced celibacy song, “Single Ladies.” Beyoncé and her fans make illuminati triangle symbols with hands as they worship her during the performance.beyonce illuminati fans

Beginning of Third Quarter  — Ravens score immediately on kick off.

Shortly after Raven’s Kickoff Score  — Stadium goes dark

5min into Blackout  — 49ers punter goes missing.

7min into Blackout  — Oreo tweets this pre-prepared blackout ad.

13min into the Blackout  — Ravens momentum has cooled off. A few fans witness Jay-Z in the shadows near the locker room entrance screaming at Joe Flacco.

22min into the Blackout  — Colin Kaepernick disappears from the field for a few moments. Returns with new tattoo.

34min into the Blackout  —  Jim and John Harbaugh exchange secret hand signs.

35min into Blackout  —  Lights go back on, play resumes.

3rd Quarter  —  49ers miraculously come back to make the game more exciting and lucrative for late-game advertisers.

4th Quarter Commercial Break  — We are fed a subliminal TV commercial glorifying the virtues of manual farm labor and serfdom.

End of 4th Quarter  — Ravens “take a safety” instead of kicking it off, making the final Score 34 – 31, the illuminati number of death.*

So those are the facts. Anything look suspicious? It should. And it’s no coincidence that Beyoncé just a few weeks prior lip-synced at the inauguration of fellow Illuminati leader Barack Obama. But why has the Illuminati so publicly flaunted their power? Why the secret death code? Why do players with dreadlocks never seem to have one ripped out accidentally during play? I haven’t connected all of the dots yet, but there’s definitely something they don’t want you to know. We may be on the eve of a new world order.

P.S. I’ve found the Mayor, and he’s currently tied up in my basement. I’ll deliver him when I’ve finished my investigation.

*3431, based on the letters on a standard US telephone, the numbers spell “Die.” The 1 has no letters on a telephone because, according to the illuminati, the number “one” represents their satanic leadership, which cannot be defined.

Beyoncé Lip-Synced at the Inauguration? My world just shattered

Beyonce lip-synch

Like every other patriotic American, I watched President Obama’s inauguration to view a historic event unfold in real time. And also to see Jennifer Hudson, Jay Z, Katy Perry, James Taylor, Kelly Clarkson, and especially, Beyoncé. My fave diva of all time behind Madonna and Lady Gaga.

But I just heard that Beyoncé lip-synched her inauguration performance. Lip-synced! That’s right, it was all a sham. The only true sound coming from the stage at that time was the sound of my world shattering. Is nothing real anymore? My hopes and dreams have all been crushed. Someone call Chris Angel and tell him there is no magic in the world.

I mean, I can’t believe it is true. I watched and re-watched her song many times: her enthusiastic hand gestures, the veins popping out of her neck, and her removing the earpiece because she’s so awesome she doesn’t need no earpiece to touch the hearts of America. All of it, lies? Say it ain’t so, Sasha Fierce!

I haven’t felt this let down since I found out Katy Perry and Russell Brand were getting divorced. Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day hiding under my bed eating saltines and listening to “Mad World” on a loop.

New Law: Citizens who break the hearts of City Counsel Members Must Pay Fine

by Sir Ryan: Leader and Apologist for Byron City Medieval Club

Hark! A proclamation! It is henceforth thus again’st the law to break the hearts of those humbly serving on the City Counsel, because it hurts and shows great malice and I would’st have been the best thing to happen to thee, but now ‘tis too late. Thou had’st thy chance.

Stocks as punishment is also still under consideration

Those caught breaking this new and most sacred law will suffer a penalty of $1000 and must go out to dinner with me just once. For if thou were’st to give me a chance, I would’st win thee over, but nay, thou would’st prefer to sit around thy home laughing at the milk-livered lout, throwing my love tokens back in my face and thinking of ways to hurt me.

Oh, what a gay happy meeting we might have had. But nay, thou art a cold wench without natural affection, and thus will be required to pay the fine and return the pictures I crafted with our faces on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s bodies using Photoshop. A pox on thee, ye outlaw wagtail!

Also, should ye be caught cruelly stabbing the heart of the counsel member thou hold’est in thine hands and throw’est it upon the ground, though wilt be required to return the CD of mandolin and lute cover songs I made thee (I wonder if thou did’st even listen to the “Beyonce Crazy in Love” cover, fowl harpy), and the jigsaw puzzle that, when completed, spells out “I love thee, maiden pookie bear.”

Thus, I shall be coming ‘round to collect the penalty for all those who most treacherously broke the hearts of the humble servants on the counsel.

Also, we’ll also be installing a new stop sign on the corner of Brine and Appleberry road.