The Earth is a Sassy Gay Man

gay earth

I had this sudden epiphany the other day when I saw a rainbow and realized, if you look at it upside down, a rainbow is just the earth’s gay beard. Then I had a moment of clarity when all the pieces fell into place.

The Earth is a sassy gay man. Think about it. It’s big and proud of it, it’s whole life revolves around a shiny object, it only took him seven days to look gorgeous, and he throws a fit if you make a mess or change the temperature even a little.  Even the moon is it’s little white purse dog. And if you see the earth from space – the oceans and continents mixed with moving cloud cover – it looks a lot like those elaborately decorative patterned shirts those people are always wearing. Pssh, fashion.

The evidence is all around us and I’m only just now seeing it. Take the animals, for instance. It didn’t like those big ugly dinosaurs so it replaced them with smaller, cuter, furrier animals to run around on him. That’s pretty gay. And look at the dolphin. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the smartest animal on the planet is also nature’s gayest.

This whole realization has made me reconsider the environmentalist agenda. We all know the gays are into that liberal environmental crap. How long before the Earth decides to destroy us for making him all dirty and polluted? Is a planet-sized gay fit the way the world will end?

I don’t care for the government telling me how to sort my garbage or which stream I’m allowed to dump my sewage into, but until we reach a stage where the earth no longer holds us hostage, we may have no choice.

Of course I can’t prove any of this for certain (most conspiracies can’t be proven thanks to the government and big corporations), but somewhere in the universe I’m almost positive earth’s parents are trying to be supportive of Earth’s lifestyle but are having a hard time.

But you can’t ignore the facts. The only way Earth could be gayer is if it had a ton of gold rings around it like Saturn. Even though we all know Saturn isn’t gay. He’s an immigrant.

Now back to my anti-apocalypse shelter. Dec 21 is quickly approaching.

Earth's Gay Beard

Earth’s Gay Beard


How the World Will End in Two Months

So we’re about two months away from having the world burned to a crisp, the oceans filled with blood, and humanity enslaved by secretive anti-alien organizations. I’m prepared. But as I was about to nestle into my Weaponized-Disease Shelter, I had a ping of guilt.

I know exactly how the world is going to end and what to do about it. How can I sleep at night in my Ghillie-suit pajamas on my anti-brain-control radio-frequency cot knowing that I didn’t try to warn everyone?

Though I know most of you won’t listen, I need to ease my  conscience, so I’ll help you prepare for the end of the world by giving you a little preview. And if you don’t prepare, at least you’ll know I’m right when your eyes are burning out of your sockets and your lungs are gasping for breath in the napalm-thick air as the city you once loved spontaneously deteriorates and collapses around you like a  gingerbread house in a swimming pool.

How it’s going to end
As you know, when the aliens living inside the hollow core of the earth came out on one of their human harvesting expeditions during the early age of the Mayans, the natives pleased the aliens with their chocolate plants, talking toucans, and human-sacrifice basketball, so instead of harvesting them they taught them their advanced calendar system. The system included certain time “landmarks,” including one we know as December 23, 2012.

This is the date when these inner-earth aliens planned to rise from the core and teach humans the secrets of their ultra advanced technology and the ways of their utopia society, ushering in a new era of peace and humanity.

But plans change. And you can thank the Nazis.

Hitler is Alive, Well, And Half Alien
Nazis believed that Germans were descended from a race of superior half-alien super humans (they weren’t too far off, as many as 40% of humans are an alien-human hybrid of some kind, but I digress). This belief led Hitler and the Nazis, heavily funded by the worldwide secret organization of the Illuminati, to search for the origins of his people in the earth’s hollow center.

In 1945, they found the entrance.

Germany didn’t lose World War 2. They abandoned it. Hitler escaped to the earth’s core, taking all of his most important scientists with him, studying the technology of these inner-earth aliens and gathering support to launch World War 3.

*Note: Hitler currently lives in a modest alien cottage in the core located just underneath southern Pennsylvania. He has three children and is working on a screenplay about a war general who quits to become a chef at a dysfunctional restaurant. I have to admit, it’s pretty funny.

Welcome to the New World Order. What’s Your Shackle Size?
So where does the Illuminati fit into this? The question is, where DON’T they fit in.

Here are the facts. The Illuminati is the oldest and most powerful secret organization on the planet bent on establishing a new world order and subjecting humanity to their rule. They’re responsible for building Stonehenge, the pyramids, and the Gap. They orchestrated the political rise of Julius Cesar, Alexander the Great, Adolf Hitler, and Sarah Palin (the latter is just getting started).

They have infiltrated every organization and every level of power on the planet, from the United Nations to the Girl Scouts (only sell their cookies once a year? That’s evil genius). They have founded many other puppet organizations to help achieve their dark purposes: The Council on Foreign Relations, FEMA, the FDA, the YMCA, and PBS.

Public Broadcasting Service = Public Brainwashing Strategy = I Just Blew Your Mind

They have been planning their world take over for many millennia, and the trap is set to close in December of 2012 when they carry out the largest hoax that humanity has ever seen.

Fake it ‘till you Break It
The Illuminati do NOT want the aliens to take humanity to a higher plane of consciousness, nor do they want Hitler in power. They want supreme power and the subjection of all humanity to their wills. To do so, they are going to FAKE the end of the world with something they call Project Blue Beam.

Project Blue Beam is simple. Using large-scale satellite holograms and microchips hidden within most modern electronics, they’ll create a fake alien invasion, convincing people that aliens are taking over and destroying major cities throughout the globe (just like they did during their dress rehearsal on 9/11).

Then, they will cut off the food supply, destroy major power grids, and take Downton Abbey off the air. The panic and civil unrest will topple the nations of the world. At the highest moment of disorder and distress, the Illuminati will step in and “save” humanity, defeating the “aliens,” bringing food to the starving nations, and air Matthew and Mary Crawley’s Wedding. This will win them the unanimous acceptance and support of a people eager for safety and protection. But for those who still resist, they have a few more tricks up their sleeve.

Those unwilling to accept their rule will be treated to:
1-    Low frequency electromagnetic telepathic mind control radio waves, a wavelength that closely matches frequency used by NPR.
2-    A manufactured “rapture” based on your religion’s preference, resulting in your violent, non-heavenly death.
3-    Being told by the liberal media that you’re stupid.

Once the outer earth is taken over, they will begin their invasion of the inner earth to ensure that their rule will never be challenged. And the inner aliens won’t like it. That’s when the real end of the world comes.

Aliens Strike Back
The Illuminati knew the inner earth aliens were more powerful than humans. That’s why they used the Nazis to smuggle out their technology so that it could be used against them in an invasion.

Without the technological advantage they enjoyed for so long, the inner-earth aliens will find their way of life seriously threatened for the first time since landing on earth millions of years ago with nothing but a few flying saucers and a tank of invertebrates. They will be killed, tortured, and driven back until they will have no choice but to say, “Screw It” and push the big red button inside the earth that will reverse the earth’s magnetic poles, causing earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, and natural disasters on the surface at a scale the world has never seen. They might even remote-control a few solar flares as well to make sure humanity is sufficiently baked. Then they’ll go back to their home planet, pick up a few monkeys and start evolution all over again.

See you soon, doomsday.

You’ll be Dead, I Won’t
If we’re lucky, there will still be a few hundred surviving men left living on the planet, a few of which will be women, but not many because women have weak upper body strength and are cold all of the time.

But me and my wife will be safe. And we will repopulate the world. And everyone will know that I was right, except they won’t because they’ll be dead.

So there it is, the end of the world laid out for even the dumbest human. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. My conscience is clear. I’ll be going into hiding now. Goodbye, and good luck. Oh, and if anyone knows where I can get a bunch of Oreo Cakesters, let me know. I’d like to stock up. I don’t want to live in a world without them.

Mayor Sir Ryan is Hiding Something

As a journalist, I try to be unbiased and let the truth speak for itself. But when the powers that be muzzle the press and attempt to keep the truth from getting out, I feel like I must speak out.

Our new Mayor Sir Ryan is not allowing the press to be free. He is hiding something.

A more accurate portrait of our Mayor Sir Ryan.

Ever since Sir Ryan was appointed Mayor by the City Council, I have tried to interview council members to find out why Sir Ryan was chosen despite having so many other better-qualified citizens available to them. Thousands of emails and phone calls have gone unanswered. I have not managed to get a single meeting from anyone. The City Hall answering machine currently says, after a long list of directory options, “To speak to an operator, press 0, if you’re a member of the press, go hang yourself.”

I managed to track down councilwoman Laurel Sandberg-Armstrong at the construction site of her new guesthouse. Despite being able to see her crouched behind a saw-table through the wooden frame of her under-construction guest home, she still pretended no one was home. After some research, I found out that the 5-acre lot she was building on used to be a nature preserve, but when Sir Ryan was elected, that “preserve” status was magically revoked, and Ms. Armstrong purchased the land that same day for only $1. Interesting.

I also tracked down councilman Brian Havig at the Byron High homecoming game. Before I could get a question out, he threw a tray of nachos at me, ran away stumbling down the bleachers, twisting his ankle in the process. Someone has him scared. When I requested to see if he had a file with the police department, the police told me that his file had “burned down.” A file on one person somehow burnt to the ground, and no one else’s?  “Yup,” the unhelpful police officer said, and then hung up the phone.

I finally tried going to the source, right to City Hall to talk to Mayor Sir Ryan. There is always a group of his Medieval Club cronies guarding the door, and as soon as I approached, they beat me with foam swords and yelled medieval insults at me like “Media Strumpet” and “Vexing Journalist Wench” and “Newspaper Ninny” until I had no choice but to leave (foam swords hurt more than you’d think).

I’ve talked to journalists at the Byron City Gazette and Byron City Post and they have all received the same treatment. Something fishy is going on behind closed doors in Byron City. Something that goes all the way to the top.

There’s a reason Sir Ryan rose from a nothing Medieval Club weirdo to the most powerful man in the City. And this newspaper ninny intends to find out.

Giant Bat-Gate: How to Genetically Engineer an Election

It’s all coming together.

Citizens of Byron City, I’ve recently discovered the reason for the increase in giant bats in Byron City. It was caused by the unbridled political aspirations of our esteemed, mild mannered Mayor Chuck Barther!

I wrote a few weeks back about a noticeable increase in the amount of giant bat sightings we’ve been having in Byron City, but I had yet to come up with a credible explanation. Then just this morning, as I was monitoring my home outside in my ghillie suit from my hollowed-out elm tree I noticed a mysterious man wearing a dark cloak approaching. I had just finished squaring up my tranquilizing gun when I noticed him drop a mysterious envelope on my front door. I opened it, and after checking it for monitoring devices or traces of weaponized bird flu, I read it. It contained 5 pages.

Page 1- a letter, hand-written in very elaborate cursive, telling me that Mayor Chuck is responsible for all the giant bats, and that if I were to assist him in usurping the Mayor, he would help me hunt and destroy them, along with making sure no more queers or Mexicans moved into our town.

Page 2- proof in the form of pictures and audio tape, of Mayor Chuck giving illegal political favors to Occupy Byron City protestors in exchange for them to quit protesting and leave City Hall. This explains why it ended so abruptly and why Mayor Chuck was so defensive over accusations of a scandal.

Page 3- picture of Mayor Chuck getting a free refill on his coke at the Renaissance Festival when free refills were NOT included.

Page 4- a really scary picture of a giant bat (included below)

Page 5- a document containing only the handwritten phrase, “The City will be Mine!” and the words “Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha” over and over again, in red ink.

“Bwah ha ha” is right, giant bats. The city will be ours again. Your days are numbered. And so are yours, Mayor Chuck. Next time you’ll think twice before genetically engineering an election. Thank you, mysterious cloaked man. You have my support.

– Bill Grue

Giant bat, or demon from hell? The answer: yes.

I’m alarmed with the amount of giant bats around lately

As many of you know, I am the eyes and ears of Byron City. It’s my mission to know what the federal government is up to before they do. They are always watching us, but who is watching them? Me, that’s who. And if you valued your freedom, you would to.

Giant Bats like these are appearing all over Byron City.

So in my surveillance, I often come across the bears, opossums, Sasquatches, chupacabras, stray cats, and other ungodly creatures, and if they don’t bother me, I don’t bother them. But lately I’ve been concerned with the amount of giant bats that have been coming into town lately.

They have always been in Byron City. I saw the first one back in 1984, and have documented sightings a couple of times a year all the way up until present day. But those sightings have become more frequent, which means their population is steadily growing. Which only leads me to one conclusion: World War III is close at hand.

The government has given far too much power to the EPA to make decisions regarding the environment. If the EPA had their way, we would all to live in grass huts eating bamboo shoots out of dung bowls commuting to and from work on dolphins and rainbows. They hate freedom more than anyone, and they want to help nature push humans back into submission. As a result, they’ve turned to bioengineering and genetics to help make animals stronger so they can better defend their “natural” habitat. Which has led them to extensive and unethical experimentation, which has in turn lead them to recruit pharmaceutical companies to provide experimental drugs in exchange for letting them sell Viagra and Cialis and baby aspirin, leading them to hire the most dangerous scientists in the world, leading them to consort with terrorists, communists, and democrats, the true axis of evil, who will, in a grab for power and advantage, inevitably create some of the worst monsters the world has ever seen, plunging us into the type of World War 3 we never saw coming: humans vs biologically engineered animals.

This is a man vs wild that even Bear Grylls couldn’t handle, especially if it’s something in his contract that he doesn’t want to do (yea, I read the papers).

This makes the encounter I had with this frightening creature all the more terrifying. Get ready, Byron City. Make your bomb shelters gnaw-proof and send your law makers a copy of Jurassic Park, because the animal apocalypse is coming.

Another Helpful Tip: whenever you see an opossum, run the other way. No, the government didn’t make these monsters. Satan did.

Opossum = wrath of Beelzebub