Medieval Mayor Removed From Office

Sir Ryan

Sir Ryan

Mayor of Byron City Sir Ryan has been forcibly removed from office by the State following proof of gross misconduct, including corruption, blackmail, extortion, intimidation, and misuse of power. He will more than likely face jail time.

State officials have taken over administration of city government because of the “Byron City Mayoral mess,” a series of screw ups in which the city council appointed Sir Ryan, and allowed him to run the government into the ground while plunging the entire city into virtual anarchy.

A special election will be held, overseen by the state, within the next few months.

For those unfamiliar with Mayor Sir Ryan, here is a timeline of his “reign of terror” as Byron City Mayor (and yes, that is his legal name, ‘Sir’ is his first name and ‘Ryan’ is his last; he had it legally changed when he turned 18 from the less “royal” name of Ryan Michonzski).

Mayor Sir Ryan Timeline

May 1, 2012

Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck accused of bribery and corruption

Jul 2,2012
Mayor Chuck denies allegations, resigns, gives press the middle finger

Aug 3, 2012
Sir Ryan Appointed Mayor by City Council

Sept 11, 2012
Sir Ryan unveils new “laws,” including:

  • Mandatory Medieval Fridays
  • Forces all restaurants to serve giant turkey legs
  • Commissions the building of a new LARP Arena
  • Exiles former Mayor Chuck
  • Forces a woman to be his girlfriend
  • Forces the High School Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad”
  • Outlawes the rival club, The Celtic Club
Sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Secret sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Sept 14, 2012

Celtic Club starts resistance movement to “Sir Ryan’s Reign of Terror”

Sept 25, 2012
Sir Ryan Accused of Muzzling the Press

Oct 29, 2012
Sir Ryan Enforces more unpopular changes, including:

  • Replaces streetlights with torchlight
  • Lowers speed limit to 10mph, the “max acceptable speed of a beast of burden.”
  • Shuts down bus service, replacing it with handcarts pulled by “serfs”
  • Turns fire department into convent of Gregorian monks

Oct 30, 2012
Celtic Club Resistance movement gains serious momentum

LARP Battle on the Elf Fantasy Fair, METRO 21-04-07Dec 22, 2012
Celtic Club holds a festival/protest on the grounds of City Hall. Mayor Sir Ryan dispatches his own private force of medieval club warriors to disperse the group, and a giant LARP battle commences. Mayor Sir Ryan is defeated and goes into hiding.

Jan 15, 2013
Police determine that Mayor Sir Ryan was being held hostage by Byron City citizen, survivalist and conspiracy theorist Bill Grue, most likely in one of his many emergency bunkers. Which one, the police were unable to determine.

Feb 11, 2013
After nearly two months missing, Sir Ryan turns up, duct taped to the wall of city hall with a box full of pictures, videos, and documents proving the occurrence of fraud, bribery, blackmail, misuse of power, intimidation, and illegal use of resources. (mission mayor found)

Today
It has been announced that a special election will be held within the month to elect a new LEGITIMATE mayor. Whole process to be overseen by the state, since Byron City has been deemed “inept.”

Missing Mayor Found, Duct-Taped to Town Hall

Town Hall erupted this morning as Byron City’s missing Mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was returned to the steps of Town Hall, duct taped to the wall just outside the front doors and gagged, with a box full of pictures, documents, and audiotapes left next to him with the label “Evidence.”

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Mayor Sir Ryan had been missing for over a month after a Celtic Club celebration in front of Town Hall turned into an impromptu LARP battle between the Celtic Club and their rival, the Renaissance Club. The Mayor, himself a Renaissance Club leader, led the LARP assault, but in the end was defeated. There was no word or sight of him since.

In his absence, all official Mayor duties were carried out by Deputy Mayor Brian Havig and Mayor Sir Ryan’s right hand man, the Sarcastic Thief. Havig has stated that it has been hard to get any work done, since he’s not sure if the sarcastic thief actually likes his ideas or if he’s just being mean.

Then last week, local conspiracy theorist and camouflage enthusiast Bill Grue announced in a blog post, that he had indeed found and captured the Mayor and had him tied up in one of his bunkers. Local law enforcement was unable to find the Mayor since Grue reportedly has many emergency bunkers hidden all over Byron City, primarily for hurricanes, wildfires, chemical warfare, a second Obama presidency, suspension of guns laws, gay marriage, and the zombie apocalypse.

It is believed that initial inspection by law enforcement of the box marked “Evidense” has uncovered proof of wrongdoing and illegal activity of the unpopular Mayor during his short time as Mayor, including bribery, misuse of power, mismanagement of funds, and forcing of a certain citizen to be his girlfriend (allegedly Stephanie Banks-Dickson, a married woman whom he is known to have had a crush on).

We will provide more information as it becomes available.

Beyoncé Lip-Synced at the Inauguration? My world just shattered

Beyonce lip-synch

Like every other patriotic American, I watched President Obama’s inauguration to view a historic event unfold in real time. And also to see Jennifer Hudson, Jay Z, Katy Perry, James Taylor, Kelly Clarkson, and especially, Beyoncé. My fave diva of all time behind Madonna and Lady Gaga.

But I just heard that Beyoncé lip-synched her inauguration performance. Lip-synced! That’s right, it was all a sham. The only true sound coming from the stage at that time was the sound of my world shattering. Is nothing real anymore? My hopes and dreams have all been crushed. Someone call Chris Angel and tell him there is no magic in the world.

I mean, I can’t believe it is true. I watched and re-watched her song many times: her enthusiastic hand gestures, the veins popping out of her neck, and her removing the earpiece because she’s so awesome she doesn’t need no earpiece to touch the hearts of America. All of it, lies? Say it ain’t so, Sasha Fierce!

I haven’t felt this let down since I found out Katy Perry and Russell Brand were getting divorced. Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day hiding under my bed eating saltines and listening to “Mad World” on a loop.

Recap – The First Year of Byron City

Hey everyone. Ashleigh here, Romance and Gossip columnist for the Byron City blog. Some of you have written me asking me to give you the 411 on what’s been happening in Byron City lately. So I’m going to recap all the best stuff that’s happened over the past year so you all can keep up.

What’s been going on in Byron City? Here’s what.

Byron City Recap

Occupy Byron City protestors

One year ago, the Occupy Wall Street Movement started in NYC, and Byron City residents decided to start their own protest and “Occupy Byron City.”

Read the “Rally! Occupy Byron City” post

The group accomplished nothing, but disrupted town government activities and annoyed the hell out of Byron City’s cranky yet well-liked leader, Mayor Chuck. He really wanted them gone.

Read the “In Regard to Occupy Byron City Protests” post

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

Suddenly, after about a month of Occupation, most of the protestors left without explanation. At the same time, Sir Ryan, resident and medieval club member who speaks nothing but Shakespearean English, was appointed to the City Council. Most citizens were convinced that something shady was going on behind Mayor Chuck’s closed doors, but there was no proof.

Read the “Hark! I Thus Call for a Cease to All Occupation” post

Dog in the Costume portion of the Dog Show.

Things got back to normal. The winter passed, Byron City hosted the County Fair and its first ever dog show, a “sexy” new restaurant opened, and the Sarcastic Thief was finally caught. But soon after the Renaissance Festival ended, evidence surfaced of Mayor Chuck making an illegal deal with the Medieval club to break up the “Occupy Byron City” protests permanently by agreeing to appoint one of their own, Sir Ryan, to the City Council. The city broke into chaos, and Mayor Chuck sadly resigned before charges could be brought against him, saying that since he can’t serve the town he loves, they can all go “shove it.”

Read the “Mayor Chuck Resigns” post

Sir Ryan

Byron City law states that if a Mayor resigns before his or her term ends, then the City Council will appoint a new Mayor within a month. There was a lot of speculation about who the Council would choose, but in the end they shockingly chose their newest Council member Sir Ryan, now known as Mayor Sir Ryan. Upon his appointment, Sir Ryan was quoted as saying “Bwah haha haha ha ha…”.

Read the “Sir Ryan Appointed New Mayor” post

His appointment is fishy at best. There are unconfirmed suspicions that Sir Ryan bribed and blackmailed his way into office, but no one has yet dug up any hard evidence, and anyone attempting to find the truth has been intimidated by Mayor Sir Ryan’s medieval cronies (foam swords hurt more than you’d think).

Read the “Mayor Sir Ryan is Hiding Something” post

Former Beauty Queen Stephanie Banks-Dickson

Only a few weeks into office, Sir Ryan used his new power to mandate a set of new laws. The laws are extremely controversial, and certain citizens have refused to follow them, including former Beauty Queen and Miss Byron City winner Stephanie Banks-Dickson, who refused to follow the new law that she “be Mayor Sir Ryan’s new girlfriend.”

Read the “10 Mayoral Decrees” post

Another law completely dismantled and banned Medieval Club rival, the Celtic Club.  The group has so far aggressively refused to dismantle and are currently calling for any citizen opposing the new laws to join them in open rebellion.

Read the “Celtic Club Twill Not Accept New Laws” post

And that’s what’s happening in Byron City! Will Mayor Sir Ryan crush his rivals and continue to build his empire? Will the Celtic Club manage to dethrone this oppressive new Mayor? Or will Byron City simply devolve into chaos and ruin? Keep pushing “refresh” to see what happens next!

In the meantime, feel free to read the top five most popular Byron City Posts from the past year:

10 Ways to Get out of a Crappy Party

Did I Just Make the World’s Biggest Taco?

The Market’s Yogurt Selection Has Improved Lately

I’m Alarmed with the Amount of Giant Bats Around Lately

Do these nerd glasses make me look hot?

Mayor Chuck Resigns! – Byron City News Digest

Mayor of Byron City, Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther has resigned amidst bribery and corruption allegations, specifically appointing people to city council in exchange for political favors. He was indicted after audio and picture evidence revealed Mayor Chuck making a deal with Byron City’s Medieval Club to leave the Occupy Byron City protest, effectively ending the demonstration, in exchange for appointing one of their members to city council. Sir Ryan was appointed to the City Council shortly after the Occupy Byron City movement had ended.

Ex-Mayor of Byron City Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck has in the past maintained his innocence, saying he “never did anything illegal” and has accused Sir Ryan of blackmail, a charge Sir Ryan adamantly denies. However, apparently under pressure from the City council and protests at City Hall, this morning Mayor Chuck has stepped down.

“I wanted to keep serving the people in the town I love, keeping speed limits low and teenagers from making too much noise, but in light of recent events, the best thing for Byron City appears to be to step down,” said Mayor Chuck today at an early morning press conference. “So all of you can go shove it.”

At the end of the press conference, Chuck Barther removed his tie and flipped off everyone in the room. He reported went strait to Byron City Meadows Golf Resort for a strong glass of scotch.

Following Byron City law, City Council is expected to appoint a new Mayor by the end of the month.

County Fair Begins to Huge Success

The County Fair successfully kicked off at Moon’s Field yesterday morning in Byron City. This is the first time that Byron City has hosted the fair since the great “Mayonnaise Incident the last time they hosted the event [number] years ago.

The most popular attractions so far have been the Sausage Fest food tent, the Hurl-A-Whirl ride, and the Tunnel of Love (it is not recommended to do those things in order). Other attractions include “Porky’s Pig Racing,” “Paintball-a-Palooza,” and “Guess Where I’ve Hid My Hot Dog?”

The annual and ever-popular Weight-Gain-a-Thon, the competition to see who can gain the most weight in a single day at the fair, will be held Wednesday. Registraion closes end of day Tuesday.

Byron City News Digest: Accusations of Doggy Racism, 85% of Easter Eggs Unfound, Man Holds Up Gas Station with Sarcasm

Byron City Dog Show Results: Doggy Racism

Mr. Fluff-Face, a West Highland White Terrier, won Byron City’s First Annual Dog Show, unleashing a flood of accusations of doggy racism among the judging panel.

“Interesting how a Westie won the first ever dog show this year, totally ignoring the Pekingese, Chihuahuas, Shar-Peis, Shih-Tzus, Chow Chows, Chocolate Labs, and the other more ethnic breeds,” said Charlotte Andrews, contestant and owner of Bonesy the Chocolate Lab.

“I won’t say Mr. Fluff-Face didn’t deserve it, but we’re setting a dangerous precedent here,” said Andrew Mangers, French Bulldog owner and president of Byron City Musical Theater Revival company.

Most of the accusation falls upon the Show’s founder, Stephanie Banks, who stirred controversy last year for her involvement in an anti-Semitic fundraiser, Keeping Dogs Off Our Streets, propagated by the Neo-Nazi Party of America. Banks maintains that she “thought it was a fundraiser for homeless dogs!”

85% of Easter Eggs Remain Unfound

After the Byron City Easter Eggstravaganza yesterday, most of the participating children, along with the adults, failed to find 85% of the eggs.

The eggs this year were hidden by members of the Bryron City Geocaching Society, and although they provided GPS trackers and compass orienteering to all the children, most eggs still remained unfound.

Man Holds Up Gas Station with Sarcasm 

An unknown man stole $376 from a gas station attendant armed only with sarcasm. He was otherwise unarmed.

According to the attendant and security footage, the man entered the store and immediately rushed the attendant with cutting words, such as “Nice store you have here. Not.” and “Oh wow, spinning hot dogs under a heat lamp. Sooooo original.” The assailant then demanded the attendant “give me all the money from the register, since you’re sooOOoo smart,” and the attendant emptied the cash register under the strain of the emotional battery. The thief made off with the money, saying on the way out, “Thanks for the money. I Reeeeallly I appreciate it.”

The attendant’s feelings were badly hurt, but he has since stabilized and he is currently recovering at his mom’s house.

Jean Mangus Gets Key to City for Going Viral

Jean Mangus, center, getting the key to the city from, right to left, Deputy Mayor Brian R. Havig, Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther, Sir Ryan, and other members of the city counsel.

Jean Mangus was given the Key To The City in a ceremony last night for writing Byron City’s first ever viral blog post. The ceremony took place at Town Hall and included Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther and members of the city council.

Two weeks ago, on February 27th, Ms. Mangus wrote a blog entitled “The Market’s Yogurt Selection Has Improved Lately.” The blog was showcased on Word Press Freshly Pressed, and thus received thousands of views and over a hundred comments from fellow yogurt enthusiasts.

Upon receiving the key to the city, a visibly proud and confused Ms. Mangus said, “I’m proud to receive the key to the city. What did you say about going viral? Should I be concerned?”

Most of the comments on the blog post were favorable. “Love the Stoneyfield Farm yogurt, so good and good for you : )” said Carlie Chew, blogger and yogurt enthusiast.

“We definitely need more people that voice what they want to see in grocery stores. You inspire me. :)” said Sarah (last name withheld).

“I agree!” said dhasty01.

Some comments were not so complimentary. “I’m happy for you that you got Freshly Pressed. But I really fail to see how this is worthy of the distinction. There are thousands of bloggers out there putting out insightful, emotional, and/or downright hilarious material out there. Unless, there’s a whole lot of irony or tongue-in-cheek humor here, all I see is someone when to their store and noticed some new products,” said thefoodandwinehedonist, blogger and Kanye West fan.

Others slammed the city of Byron City itself for its conservative take on yogurt. “What kind of town do you live in that JUST got Chobani? No offense, but wouldn’t want to live there,” said Rob Rubin, blogger and Byron City hater.

But the overall impact of Peggy’s blog has been astounding, as daily visitors to the blog has moved into the double digits, and citizen’s participation to the blog has increased.

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther said he was delighted to see that this City Blog experiment was finally starting to bear fruit. “My doctor makes me eat yogurt,” said Mayor Chuck.