How the World Will End in Two Months

So we’re about two months away from having the world burned to a crisp, the oceans filled with blood, and humanity enslaved by secretive anti-alien organizations. I’m prepared. But as I was about to nestle into my Weaponized-Disease Shelter, I had a ping of guilt.

I know exactly how the world is going to end and what to do about it. How can I sleep at night in my Ghillie-suit pajamas on my anti-brain-control radio-frequency cot knowing that I didn’t try to warn everyone?

Though I know most of you won’t listen, I need to ease my  conscience, so I’ll help you prepare for the end of the world by giving you a little preview. And if you don’t prepare, at least you’ll know I’m right when your eyes are burning out of your sockets and your lungs are gasping for breath in the napalm-thick air as the city you once loved spontaneously deteriorates and collapses around you like a  gingerbread house in a swimming pool.

How it’s going to end
As you know, when the aliens living inside the hollow core of the earth came out on one of their human harvesting expeditions during the early age of the Mayans, the natives pleased the aliens with their chocolate plants, talking toucans, and human-sacrifice basketball, so instead of harvesting them they taught them their advanced calendar system. The system included certain time “landmarks,” including one we know as December 23, 2012.

This is the date when these inner-earth aliens planned to rise from the core and teach humans the secrets of their ultra advanced technology and the ways of their utopia society, ushering in a new era of peace and humanity.

But plans change. And you can thank the Nazis.

Hitler is Alive, Well, And Half Alien
Nazis believed that Germans were descended from a race of superior half-alien super humans (they weren’t too far off, as many as 40% of humans are an alien-human hybrid of some kind, but I digress). This belief led Hitler and the Nazis, heavily funded by the worldwide secret organization of the Illuminati, to search for the origins of his people in the earth’s hollow center.

In 1945, they found the entrance.

Germany didn’t lose World War 2. They abandoned it. Hitler escaped to the earth’s core, taking all of his most important scientists with him, studying the technology of these inner-earth aliens and gathering support to launch World War 3.

*Note: Hitler currently lives in a modest alien cottage in the core located just underneath southern Pennsylvania. He has three children and is working on a screenplay about a war general who quits to become a chef at a dysfunctional restaurant. I have to admit, it’s pretty funny.

Welcome to the New World Order. What’s Your Shackle Size?
So where does the Illuminati fit into this? The question is, where DON’T they fit in.

Here are the facts. The Illuminati is the oldest and most powerful secret organization on the planet bent on establishing a new world order and subjecting humanity to their rule. They’re responsible for building Stonehenge, the pyramids, and the Gap. They orchestrated the political rise of Julius Cesar, Alexander the Great, Adolf Hitler, and Sarah Palin (the latter is just getting started).

They have infiltrated every organization and every level of power on the planet, from the United Nations to the Girl Scouts (only sell their cookies once a year? That’s evil genius). They have founded many other puppet organizations to help achieve their dark purposes: The Council on Foreign Relations, FEMA, the FDA, the YMCA, and PBS.

Public Broadcasting Service = Public Brainwashing Strategy = I Just Blew Your Mind

They have been planning their world take over for many millennia, and the trap is set to close in December of 2012 when they carry out the largest hoax that humanity has ever seen.

Fake it ‘till you Break It
The Illuminati do NOT want the aliens to take humanity to a higher plane of consciousness, nor do they want Hitler in power. They want supreme power and the subjection of all humanity to their wills. To do so, they are going to FAKE the end of the world with something they call Project Blue Beam.

Project Blue Beam is simple. Using large-scale satellite holograms and microchips hidden within most modern electronics, they’ll create a fake alien invasion, convincing people that aliens are taking over and destroying major cities throughout the globe (just like they did during their dress rehearsal on 9/11).

Then, they will cut off the food supply, destroy major power grids, and take Downton Abbey off the air. The panic and civil unrest will topple the nations of the world. At the highest moment of disorder and distress, the Illuminati will step in and “save” humanity, defeating the “aliens,” bringing food to the starving nations, and air Matthew and Mary Crawley’s Wedding. This will win them the unanimous acceptance and support of a people eager for safety and protection. But for those who still resist, they have a few more tricks up their sleeve.

Those unwilling to accept their rule will be treated to:
1-    Low frequency electromagnetic telepathic mind control radio waves, a wavelength that closely matches frequency used by NPR.
2-    A manufactured “rapture” based on your religion’s preference, resulting in your violent, non-heavenly death.
3-    Being told by the liberal media that you’re stupid.

Once the outer earth is taken over, they will begin their invasion of the inner earth to ensure that their rule will never be challenged. And the inner aliens won’t like it. That’s when the real end of the world comes.

Aliens Strike Back
The Illuminati knew the inner earth aliens were more powerful than humans. That’s why they used the Nazis to smuggle out their technology so that it could be used against them in an invasion.

Without the technological advantage they enjoyed for so long, the inner-earth aliens will find their way of life seriously threatened for the first time since landing on earth millions of years ago with nothing but a few flying saucers and a tank of invertebrates. They will be killed, tortured, and driven back until they will have no choice but to say, “Screw It” and push the big red button inside the earth that will reverse the earth’s magnetic poles, causing earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, and natural disasters on the surface at a scale the world has never seen. They might even remote-control a few solar flares as well to make sure humanity is sufficiently baked. Then they’ll go back to their home planet, pick up a few monkeys and start evolution all over again.

See you soon, doomsday.

You’ll be Dead, I Won’t
If we’re lucky, there will still be a few hundred surviving men left living on the planet, a few of which will be women, but not many because women have weak upper body strength and are cold all of the time.

But me and my wife will be safe. And we will repopulate the world. And everyone will know that I was right, except they won’t because they’ll be dead.

So there it is, the end of the world laid out for even the dumbest human. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. My conscience is clear. I’ll be going into hiding now. Goodbye, and good luck. Oh, and if anyone knows where I can get a bunch of Oreo Cakesters, let me know. I’d like to stock up. I don’t want to live in a world without them.

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