Valentine’s Day Tips – For Singles, Pets, and more!

Hello subscribers and newcomers! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and some of you might still be wondering what you can do to make this special night extra special for that special someone. Well, as an aspiring gossip/advise columnist, I took to the streets to ask the special people of Byron City what kind of advice they would give to the longing-lovers of the world.

Shane JerichoLonely Valentine’s Day Tips
by Shane Jericho, recent college grad and tax accountant, former star quarterback for Byron City High

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me just a few days ago (I don’t think she realized Valentine’s Day was coming up or I think she would have waited until after I bought her a fancy dinner and a ton of flowers to cut the cord), so this is more like Single’s Awareness day for me. But I’ve got a lot of fun ideas that will be even better than the carriage ride and candle-lit lake-side dinner on the pier I had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Singles

  • sam and frodo in loveWatch Lord of the Rings and pretend Frodo and Sam are dating. It’s like a romantic comedy!
  • Do the dishes using only heart-shaped scrub motions. It’s a lot more challenging than you’d think!
  • Make a bouquet out of the clippings from your herb garden.
  • When you read your fortune cookie from your Chinese takeout, end it by adding “…in bed.”  to the end. Lol, it’s hilarious.
  • I’m so lonely.

I guess the point is, just be creative. And interesting. And don’t peak in high school. And don’t say I love you too soon or she’ll break up with you just before Valentine’s Day. Even though you’ve been dating for over six months and it’s time you said it. And don’t call her on Valentine’s day, no matter how much you miss her. I’m calling her.

Tiffany KimValentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls
by Tiffany Kim, student at Byron City Community College, fashionista, total geek lol

Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago (I didn’t realize Valentine’s Day was coming up or I TOTALLY would have let him wine and dine me first before breaking it off, boo), so this is yet another Single’s Awareness day for me. But I called my best girlfriend and we have a few awesome ideas for us single girls to that will be better than the lame dinner and movie my ex-boyfriend probably had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls

  • Dress slutty and go to a club to enjoy being annoyed by all the guys hitting on you. And free drinks!
  • I’m out of ideas

But it’s a start! We’ll just see where the night takes us! Hold on, someone’s calling. TTFN!

Stephanie Banks-DicksonV-Day Tips for Pets!
Stephanie Banks-Dickson, former Miss Byron City Pageant Winner, Wife, and Owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming

Re-Create the Lady and the Tramp Spaghetti Scene
I absolutely LOVE celebrating Valentine’s Day with my pets! Every year I re-create the scene from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp, giving my pets their own romantic evening complete with a plate of puppy spaghetti. They mostly just get spaghetti everywhere and then throw it up in my closet later, but still it’s so cute!

valentine's day puppyDress to Impress
Even if your pet is a single pouch, fear not! You can still have fun dressing them in cute outfits for the occasion. Here’s Princess Puddle Pants in her cute Valentine’s outfit this year. She’s ready to hit the town and find herself a top dog!*

*Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets

Brandon ZequeraHow to Totally Get Some This Valentine’s Day
by Brandon Zequera, Lead Singer and Guitarist of his own band, Brandon Zequera.

Dude, I’m never alone on Valentine’s Day and I don’t even try, so just relax. And if you have some chick you’re trying to round the bases with, and want to make sure you make the right moves that manipulate her emotional feminine heart back to your pad, here’s what you do.

Even better than the real thing.

Even better than the real thing.

Email a Card: Email her a V-day card pdf. It’s fast and cheap, and basically gets the job done. Limit any custom message to five words. Sending some long, sappy, hand-written love note basically tells her you cry all of the time and are essentially a woman, so don’t do that. But don’t do nothing, either. Minimal effort is key.

Go someplace reservations aren’t required: Going out to eat on V-day sucks, it’s way too busy and stressful and expensive. You don’t want to try too hard anyways. That turns girls off. Go someplace like a café or fast-casual restaurant where you don’t need reservations.

Be generous: Don’t be cheap on V-day. This is her special night, so offer to split the bill. Don’t expect her to pay the whole bill this time.

If all else fails, play the guitar. Works every time.

You’re welcome. Good luck, dudes.

Seduce Her with Laughter!

laughing womenEvery woman gets flowers and chocolates on Valentine’s Day. I say, try something different! Give your lover the gift of a chuckle! A way to a woman’s heart is through her funny bone, that’s what I always say. It helped me get my wife when we started dating while I was still in dental school. I was giving her a root canal, my first one actually, and I started telling her my best jokes, and she was just rolling with laughter until tears came out! Looks like that root canal was our “route” to love! Ha, see what I did there?

Anyways, to help you laugh your way into love, here are some of my favorite Valentine’s Day jokes:

Valentine’s Day Jokes

What did the painter say to his Valentine?
I love you with all of my art!

Freida Pinto LaughingWhat do you say when a squirrel says it’s in love with you on Valentine’s Day?
You’re nuts so bad yourself!

What did the caveman give his cavewoman for Valentine’s Day?
Ughs and kisses!

What kind of flowers do you give a vegetarian on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflowers!

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

Woman: Do you love me more than sleep?
Man: I can’t answer now, it’s time for my nap!

Haha, that last one if my favorite! He goes to take a nap?! Are you serious?! While she’s asking you a serious question about love?!!! Hahaha, oh we have good times on Valentine’s Day. Wait wait, I have a few more:

See, even Adele can't resist a good joke!

Adele falls in love – with laughter!

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a big kiss, baby!

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
I’m stuck on you!

Man: I can’t leave you!
Woman: Do you really love me that much?
Man: No, you’re standing on my foot!

Hahahaha, what?! Standing on his foot!? Where did that come from!? Out of left field, that’s where. Oh that is soooo funny, because she thinks he loves her, but he actually can’t get away because she’s standing on his foot! Oh, priceless. And that knock knock joke? I almost couldn’t finish typing I was laughing so hard. I’m definitely using that when I come home from work today.

Anywho, I’ll let you go now. I have over 100 of these prepared for my wife this year.She’s gunna love it. And they are all different jokes than the ones I told her last year. I’m the only old joke she’ll be with this year, haha! Get it? I’m old and I’m a joke? Ah, self-depreciating humor sure is fun.

Winter Solstice Celebration…or DEATH!

Merry Winter Solstice to ye all, though this has been a trying year for our people, full of persecution and heartache.

But we of the Celtic Club are tired of hiding. The tyrannical Mayor hath denied our club’s right to exist or hold our public LARP games, but this weekend, we shall rebel by throwing our annual Winter Solstice Festival in Moon’s Field. In public.

And I for one shall be dressed in full Celtic battle garb, including my trusty LARP bow, dubbed Lady Macha after the Celtic Goddess of protection in war and peace, cunning, deadliness, and dominance over men (I don’t understand why this turns men on, it is meant to frighten and overpower them, but whatever…).

larp archer

Fly true, Lady Macha.

The festival shall begin at 11 a.m. goddess time (which is the same as local time). Festivities shall include music, Celtic dancing, the drinking of mead and wine, a roasted pig, and Lady Stacey shall be setting up her hummus and vegan foods stand. We shall also have a grand LARP session in the late afternoon, so be ye prepared for battle.

By night, we shall enjoy performances by Lord Brian and his bagpipes, and Lady Jenna who will do her nude fire dancing to honor the Celtic fire Goddess Brigit. And unlike last year, all men present will need to keep a distance of at least 25 feet and shall not be permitted to take photos. This is a feminist expression of freedom and power, not a peep show, pigs.

flame dancer

A woman should be able to dance nude while juggling open flames on stage without being ogled by men.

At the conclusion of the evening, we shall honor Arianrhod, Celtic goddess of the moon, beauty, fertility, and reincarnation, by watching Inception on a big screen. Popcorn will be provided.

We do this in open rebellion of our Mayor, who has thrown many of our members in prison simply for being in the Celtic Club. No doubt he will try to stop our celebration. Let him come. We await him eagerly with foam swords in hand.

We are determined to defend our right to practice our beliefs, so we shall make merry this Saturday, come what may, until the Great Mother Moon doth bless us with her glow, or when the park officially closes at 10pm.

We shall celebrate or perish. Happy holidays.

Happy Winter Solstice, ye merry Celts!

Happy Winter Solstice, ye merry Celts!

Got maced on Black Friday and all I got was this stupid TV

I went to shopping at Walmart to buy little things for my grandkids early Friday morning, like I do every Friday, and for some reason there was a huge mob of people running out of the store with stereos and TVs and bags of things at a frantic pace. Riot? Occupy Wall Street? World War 3? A black family moved in down the street? What was going on, and why hadn’t I heard about it on the Today Show?

See the look of horror on their faces?

Not one to break plans, I went in anyway. Inside, it was worse: pushing, biting, yelling, swearing, lighting things on fire, even a man crying on his knees next to a fallen friend. What was going on? I was so confused, more so than usual, so I tried to leave, but before I knew it someone had maced me and stolen my Hoveround, and when I finally crawled out and made it back to the bus stop, I somehow had a big screen 3D TV, a $2 waffle iron, and something for gardening called an iPod.

My grandchildren were so disappointed on Sunday when I showed up without the saltwater taffy I usually buy, and only had a TV and that iPod thingy to give them. I’ll make it up to them on Christmas by stuffing their stocking with extra boxes of raisins. Not sure what to do with this other stuff I left the store with…oh, what’s this? An XBox? What’s inside of an XBox? Sounds dirty. Where’s my letter opener…

– Jean

This Thanksgiving I’m going to splurge and eat a carb

I’m on a strict no-carb diet, and have been for two years now. But being the holidays, and given that I only ate monounsaturated diet B-vitamin soy candy, I figured this holiday I could splurge and eat a carb.

The only question is, which carb-loaded food item should I choose? Should I choose stuffing to go with my sodium-free soy meat turkey? Potatoes smothered with non-fat water-based farm-raised fish-oil gravy? Or perhaps a roll with melted non-hydrogenated preservative-free organic tofu margarine spread? So many choices to go with the delicious feast I have planned! Mmmm! It’s a shame so many of my invited guests have canceled again this year, because they are missing out.

Guess that means more local-grown negative-calorie celery and free-range tuna salad with pepper-water dressing for me!  Along with my gluten-free unrefined-flour artisan parsnip pie topped with my famous non-lactose greek-yogurt flaxseed whipped cream sprinkled with festive pine needles. I may even cut loose completely and put a marshmallow on top of my steel-cut black-bean omega-3 fatty acids faux non-sweet potatoes, just like mom used to make, provided I follow it up with my annual post-thanksgiving-calories shame run, where I just run for a really long time until I throw up. Ah, thanksgiving tradition.

I’m Disappointed In All The Hot Girls Who Wore Clever Costumes This Year

What is going on?! Hot girls are supposed to dress slutty on Halloween, not wear clever, thought-out DIY costumes! What’s the deal?

I look forward to Halloween every year. It’s a grand tradition that allows straight guys to dress in drag, tolerant people to wear blackface, and classy girls to whore it up. What’s that, you’re a cat? Oh sorry, I wasn’t looking at your cat ears…

But this year, instead of watching a parade of slutty girls dressed in next to nothing pretending they’re only slutty on Halloween and not all the other days of the year, I saw way too many girls in “clever” or “ironic” costumes that weren’t sexy at all. And I’m pissed. Here are a few examples:

Some girls make me wish I had eight hands. This is not one of those girls.

Bacon and eggs? I’m looking for eye candy, not a Hot or Not reject and a dog that looks like it’s having a stroke.

Gum-underneath-a-shoe? Talk to me when you’re sexy gum-under-shoe.

Pinterest, really? That’s your costume? She’s probably a lesbian.

These Scooby Doo girls are trying to solve the mystery of their missing hotness. They may never solve it.

Go Go Gadget ugly!

I’d rather not do it.

Pixelated girl, how am I supposed to ogle you when you’re at a worse resolution than the pixelated strippers from the 90s Duke Nuken?

This was great until I realized she was dressing up like Lindsay Bluth and Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. Thanks for ruining the show for me.

Oh mighty Zoltar, can you please tell me where I can find a girl with a self worth based on getting attention from men and who has had one too many shots?

I can tell she used to be hot before she had that baby. And that costume isn’t doing you any favors.

Ah! Baby-hungry chick who says I’m the father! Now THIS is a scary Halloween costume.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a fantasy involving Flo from those Progressive commercials rolling around in a whole lot of insurance forms. But this costume ruined that fantasy forever.

Close, but to quote my favorite Star Wars porno, “These are not the boobs you’re looking for.”

See what I mean?! There were virtually no hot, slutty girls all night. No skanks, hoes, tramps, street walkers, call girls, coffee grinders, bed bunnies, village bicycles, lease-pieces, notch-broads, go daddies, overnight bags, pavement princesses, sailor bait, hobgoblins, red-light tumblers, grassbacks, walk ups, yes-girls, doorbells, flag-pole saluters, little bo peeps, woody harrelsons, bologna ponies, blade runners, carrot chasers, chicken farmers, wiggle wenches, gooser loosers, cyclopes slayers, queen kongs, knocker lockers, banana boaters, lady tramps, lobster pots, dart boards, tax returns, mutton choppers, dragon flagons, early birds, pencil pushers, cross stitchers, harry potters, leaky pipes, post-it notes, pied pipers, ting tongs, tickle me elmos, or nether ninjas. Not a single one.

So here’s to hoping this clever costume thing is just a fad and we can all go back to the grand old Halloween tradition of treating girls like our own personal pleasure parade. Anything else is just plain wrong.

Decorating for Halloween in less than 27.5 Hours!

Hi everyone, I’m a busy mom balancing family and work, and if you’re like me, you don’t always have the time to decorate for each and every holiday. But I have some tips that can help you create an absolutely perfect family-friendly Halloween home in only 27.5 hours! That’s right, perfect Halloween memories and only miss one night of sleep! So put some coffee on and get ready for an easy yet unforgettable experience that your entire neighborhood will envy. They will. They have to.

Patio décor- only 5 hours 13 minutes, 8 energy shots, and 2 Vicodin

Spooky Dining Room

To create this spook-tacular experience, paint over your labor day colors using the Pumpkin Orange paint hue from Home Depot. While one of your seven coats is drying, get started on the fluffy paper décor. Simply take 3,782 layers of black and grey tissue paper (per fluff) with a couple of layer each segment eight to twelve sheets thick, drink 16 more ounces of coffee, hand fold them to the ruffle consistency desired, use an iron to set the folds, take a couple Fentanyl with three Red Bulls, fluff with a common household blow dryer, spray with your diluted scented paste-water solution, place in clothes dryer on medium heat for  3 minutes, immediately place in freezer, pluck out 14 strands of your own hair, then create the next layer of fluff. Repeat 37 times, bundle together, hang with fishing line, and viola! Hand-made Halloween décor in no time! You’ll have to do several at once while you paint the dinning room. Sip coffee throughout. Take a few more Fentanyl as needed. Discard human hair.

Spooky Dinning Room – 11 hours 49 minutes, 4 pots of coffee, and approx 4 Fentanyl

Home-made Halloween Spirits

This fun little refreshment is a favorite when we host our yearly Halloween Ball for the adults in our neighborhood. To make Spirits, ferment a healthy amount of dextrose/glucose, then Using a 30L air-tight fermenter barrel simply add water sugars and Turbo yeast to make 25L of alcohol base “wash.” After four cappuccinos and an OxyContin to control the “shakes,” use a still to distill and purify your base and separate the water and alcohol, then collect the alcohol vapor and cool it back down to collect high strength distillate at 40% spirit. Run your spirit through a gravity fed “carbon filter” to remove excess impurities, add water and the flavor of your choice, then just siphon it, bottle it in your own decorative bottles, add some fun labels, and let it age until your next big Halloween event!

Halloween Spirits- only 7 working hours and 37 minutes, more with periodic crying breaks.

Live Halloween Decoration

This one is simple and a favorite with our kids. Go to your local pet store and adopt a black cat. Give him a lot of “kitty-safe” sedatives so he stays purring and in place on your arrangement of organically grown pumpkins. Add a festive Halloween collar and maybe paint the claws orange, and that’s it! Don’t worry if you’re not ready to have a full-time pet. You can give him back after Halloween is over. Take some Claritin from your allergy medication storage, and give some to your kids should they have pet allergies.

Live Halloween Decoration- 1 hour 3 minutes, 13 Claritin, 5 Sudafed, mix with a bottle of the Spirits you just made

Hand-embroidered Terror Towels

Do this to add a “horrifying touch” to your bathroom. Buy common white hand towels from your local Bed, Bath and Beyond, and using black or blue thread, hand stitch “Bates Motel” on each towel. Take seven Adderall to help you focus on the details and speed up your embroidery rate, put a pencil in your mouth to protect your teeth from uncontrollable grinding and chattering.

Terror Towels – 2 hours 56 minutes, 7 Adderall, a #2 pencil or chunk of wood

Elegant Pumpkin Carving

Tired of the same boring pumpkin carving? Create an original hand-sketched drawing using skills learned from the adult education art night classes from the community college, create a transparency of your drawing, project that transparency onto the pumpkin using a mini light projector, cry on the sofa for seven minutes, trace the drawing on your pumpkin using a thin-tipped marker, take twelve Codeine, scream at yourself in the mirror for 30 full seconds, carefully begin carving following the trace with a set of tiny stainless steel, reinforced pumpkin knives, and when finished, insert self-rotating candle motor to create a spooky revolving lights effect inside. Oh how neat!

Expert Tip: If you find your eye is twitching and red, it’s likely because you’re not blinking, so remember to take frequent “blink” breaks.

Pumpkin Carving- 4 hours 5 minutes, 12 Codeine, screaming at yourself in the mirror optional. Remember to take “blink” breaks.

Hope these tips help! I typed this in fourteen minutes, which is four minutes longer than I budgeted in my day schedule, so I have to stop short and get back to the vegan organic Halloween cookies I have baking in our Mason Jar Window cooker. Happy Halloween! Seriously, it’s going to be sooooo happy. Happpy haaaappy hapepreoy haapppppppyyyyyyyyyyy…