Valentine’s Day Tips – For Singles, Pets, and more!

Hello subscribers and newcomers! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and some of you might still be wondering what you can do to make this special night extra special for that special someone. Well, as an aspiring gossip/advise columnist, I took to the streets to ask the special people of Byron City what kind of advice they would give to the longing-lovers of the world.

Shane JerichoLonely Valentine’s Day Tips
by Shane Jericho, recent college grad and tax accountant, former star quarterback for Byron City High

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me just a few days ago (I don’t think she realized Valentine’s Day was coming up or I think she would have waited until after I bought her a fancy dinner and a ton of flowers to cut the cord), so this is more like Single’s Awareness day for me. But I’ve got a lot of fun ideas that will be even better than the carriage ride and candle-lit lake-side dinner on the pier I had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Singles

  • sam and frodo in loveWatch Lord of the Rings and pretend Frodo and Sam are dating. It’s like a romantic comedy!
  • Do the dishes using only heart-shaped scrub motions. It’s a lot more challenging than you’d think!
  • Make a bouquet out of the clippings from your herb garden.
  • When you read your fortune cookie from your Chinese takeout, end it by adding “…in bed.”  to the end. Lol, it’s hilarious.
  • I’m so lonely.

I guess the point is, just be creative. And interesting. And don’t peak in high school. And don’t say I love you too soon or she’ll break up with you just before Valentine’s Day. Even though you’ve been dating for over six months and it’s time you said it. And don’t call her on Valentine’s day, no matter how much you miss her. I’m calling her.

Tiffany KimValentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls
by Tiffany Kim, student at Byron City Community College, fashionista, total geek lol

Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago (I didn’t realize Valentine’s Day was coming up or I TOTALLY would have let him wine and dine me first before breaking it off, boo), so this is yet another Single’s Awareness day for me. But I called my best girlfriend and we have a few awesome ideas for us single girls to that will be better than the lame dinner and movie my ex-boyfriend probably had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls

  • Dress slutty and go to a club to enjoy being annoyed by all the guys hitting on you. And free drinks!
  • I’m out of ideas

But it’s a start! We’ll just see where the night takes us! Hold on, someone’s calling. TTFN!

Stephanie Banks-DicksonV-Day Tips for Pets!
Stephanie Banks-Dickson, former Miss Byron City Pageant Winner, Wife, and Owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming

Re-Create the Lady and the Tramp Spaghetti Scene
I absolutely LOVE celebrating Valentine’s Day with my pets! Every year I re-create the scene from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp, giving my pets their own romantic evening complete with a plate of puppy spaghetti. They mostly just get spaghetti everywhere and then throw it up in my closet later, but still it’s so cute!

valentine's day puppyDress to Impress
Even if your pet is a single pouch, fear not! You can still have fun dressing them in cute outfits for the occasion. Here’s Princess Puddle Pants in her cute Valentine’s outfit this year. She’s ready to hit the town and find herself a top dog!*

*Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets

Brandon ZequeraHow to Totally Get Some This Valentine’s Day
by Brandon Zequera, Lead Singer and Guitarist of his own band, Brandon Zequera.

Dude, I’m never alone on Valentine’s Day and I don’t even try, so just relax. And if you have some chick you’re trying to round the bases with, and want to make sure you make the right moves that manipulate her emotional feminine heart back to your pad, here’s what you do.

Even better than the real thing.

Even better than the real thing.

Email a Card: Email her a V-day card pdf. It’s fast and cheap, and basically gets the job done. Limit any custom message to five words. Sending some long, sappy, hand-written love note basically tells her you cry all of the time and are essentially a woman, so don’t do that. But don’t do nothing, either. Minimal effort is key.

Go someplace reservations aren’t required: Going out to eat on V-day sucks, it’s way too busy and stressful and expensive. You don’t want to try too hard anyways. That turns girls off. Go someplace like a café or fast-casual restaurant where you don’t need reservations.

Be generous: Don’t be cheap on V-day. This is her special night, so offer to split the bill. Don’t expect her to pay the whole bill this time.

If all else fails, play the guitar. Works every time.

You’re welcome. Good luck, dudes.

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I’m Great at Pretending to Listen to You

I went to a party last night. A simple little cocktail party for a bunch of my wife’s friends. Seems fun, right? No. My wife’s friends are boring. All they do is talk about their kids and families and what the next season of Modern Family is going to be about and what’s in this dip that they just can’t stop eating and wow, you’ve lost weight what spin class have you been going to is it Greg’s class because he’s the best yadda yadda yadda and the whole time I’m just standing there with a drink in my hand that’s not nearly strong enough imagining what it would feel like to bury a screwdriver in my own forehead.

So many people to be bored by, so little time.

But you wouldn’t know that’s what’s going through my head when you look at me. No sir. Because even though on the inside I’m tearing the skin off my own face, on the outside I’m cool as a cucumber. I make eye contact, I nod, I cock my head slightly to the left while saying “Hmm” to indicate to you that I find what you just said to be extremely interesting. But I don’t find what you’re saying to be extremely interesting. I am actually going over my head a new flanking strategy for my next online multiplayer bout of Modern Warfare 3.

How do I do it? I’m great at pretending to listen. I’ve been married for a while now, and although by she’s caught on to my tricks and strategies at this point, I’ve had plenty of practice to use those skills on other people who don’t live with me and won’t box my ears when they figure out that I’m not actually paying attention.

Oh, here it is, the most boring cocktail party in the universe.

For example, next time you’re thinking about whether or not to start Mark Sanchez on your Fantasy Football roster this week while some weird-looking finance guy with the most boring job in the world jabbers on and on about the benefits of fixed indexed annuities and how good my wife’s three-cheese dip is and the sad state of things in the middle east, here are some tips on how to get through it. Just look into his eyes, nod occasionally, squint your eyes now and then to show him how interesting his comments are, and say noncommittal, broad things that won’t tip him off, like, “Really?”, “Interesting,” or “I think I read about that in the New York Times.” Shift your weight back and forth to keep your legs from falling asleep, widen your eyes in shock to keep your eyes from getting droopy, and if you’re brave, you can even scratch your head with a slight confused look, giving them the satisfaction of thinking they are more intellectual than you, and giving you the satisfaction of getting them to wrap it up sooner to search for someone who is more on their intellectual level. Win win.

Pretending to listen is a subtle art. Don’t clasp the other person’s face. That’s trying to hard.

If at any point the boredom is just getting too much and the man in the suit that’s four sizes too big for him won’t shut his fat face-hole, just interrupt him gently by saying something like, “Wow, what you just said made my day, can I get you another drink to celebrate your intellect?” or “Wow, let me go get my wife, she has got to hear this,” or simply “You just blew my mind, and I need to sit down so I can think about the purpose of life and the universe,” then proceed to sit down directly in front of your own TV where a TiVo’ed episode of “The Walking Dead” is waiting for you. Killing Zombies with crossbows > talking about tax deferred retirement savings.

So there you go, just a few of my many tips on how to survive a horribly boring conversation. Maybe in my next post I’ll talk about how to look like you’re busy at work without actually doing any work, how to look like you mean it when you tell your wife that you’re “Sorry,” and how to get a doctor to diagnose you as a sleepwalker so you can get away with late night snacking and TV watching.

Tips for Gross Teenage Boys

OK so mom wants me to practice my writing.  She said I should write on the Byron blog about something I feel strongly about.  I think she was hoping I’d write about organic food for the school cafeteria, but if people want to eat pink slime, that’s their own choice.

I’ve got a topic I think we can all relate to: guys.

I chose the word “guys” after careful deliberation.  “Men” was too mature.  “Boys” was also not good because like my mom says, if we infantilize a group with labels, they will live up to that label (or down to it), and I don’t want to make things any worse. “Guys” seems like the best compromise. Also, when I say “guys,” it is possible that I am speaking of one “guy” who sits behind me in 3rd period tapping on my chair in Morse code.  Yes, I know Morse code and no, I don’t care if you think my dress makes me look fat.

So I have a short list of question for Rya-err, “guys.”

1. Why don’t you bathe?

I am pretty sure you know how to turn a faucet on and off.  I’ve seen you fill enough water balloons.  Maybe the problem is you think that’s how you’re supposed to get clean too.  No, please stand under running water for at least 90 seconds.

2. Why do you throw spit-balls at your female classmates?

spit ballI know there’s probably some evolutionary reason for it-like it’s some part of an ancient primate mating ritual or something-but in case you hadn’t noticed, we sport opposable thumbs and a lot less back hair than gorillas.  Could you please, maybe try talking to a girl instead of throwing something nasty at her and high-fiving your friends?

3. Why are you wearing FUBU?  Do you even know what it means?

fubu

No, just…no.

Wait, I think I know.  On a sheltered kid like you it means “I have no identity, but I can afford to buy someone else’s.” Try that manufactured culture in the inner city and see how far it gets you.

4. Why do you hang stuffed animals outside a female-of-the-same-age’s window?

Perhaps you were trying to make a statement on our mass consumption of animal products without personalizing where that meat comes from.  If so, then it was actually pretty good.  But still, empty glass eyes looking at you when you get up in the morning does not put one at ease. It just looks creepy…though I do appreciate that you didn’t use any real animals.

5. Why do you leave messages in binary code on my locker?

I have Google translator at home.  It doesn’t do binary yet, but you know it’s only so long 00100001

6. Why aren’t you more like a particular young man in the same grade as you?

For his own privacy just in case he’s reading this, I won’t name names, but I will tell you that this particular guy bathes like a normal person (bonus for cologne!), speaks to females his own age without awkwardness (they like talking to him too!  No spit-balls needed!), doesn’t try to buy other people’s culture, gives stuffed animals as gifts to someone on their birthday in person (loved the ballerina bear!), and writes notes in ENGLISH that we can pass back and forth between class.  I tell you all this to give you an example of a real man.

So “guys,” can you give me an answer?  One that doesn’t involve being creepy or primitive?