Mayor Chuck Indicted, Sir Ryan for Mayor, Sarcastic Thief Makes Judge Cry- Byron City News Digest

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther Indicted

Byron City Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther was indicted yesterday on charges of unlawfully appointing citizens to City Counsel in exchange for political favors.

Mayor Chuck

Mayor Barther allegedly gave Byron City resident Sir Ryan a place on City Counsel in exchange for removing his Byron City Medieval Club friends from the Occupy Byron City protests late last year.

That same Sir Ryan is reported to also be the one spreading evidence of the crime and his unlawful appointment.

“Hark! I thus tempted the Mayor to commit the illegal act in order to reveal the treachery and corruption that lay in the heart of our govern’ment. I did it with only the good of the city in mind,” said Sir Ryan with his right arm stretched to the sky while a friend played a recorder-flute behind him.

“There’s no evidence except for a doctored tape made by a man who’s latest contribution to City Counsel was a proposal for a subsidy on multicolored tights,” responded Mayor Chuck. “This is a power grab, plain and simple. He can expect a libel suit when this is over.”

Sir Ryan Announces Mayoral Bid

Byron City resident Sir Ryan has announced that he is running to occupy the Office of Mayor once “Mayor Chuck has been kicked out.”

Sir Ryan

Mayoral Re-election is not scheduled to happen until October of 2014, but that has not stopped Sir Ryan from accusing Mayor Chuck of corruption and abuse of power and demanding he be named the new Mayor. He has gone so far as to make very specific and lofty campaign promises to citizens.

“He promised me the City’s first ever cage-free, free-range, organic, fair-trade, wind-powered, locally farm grown coffee shop! I couldn’t be more excited!” said citizen Willow Van Wess, city Liberal.

“He promised to make me Vice Mayor. Which totally kicks major boot-ay. This town would totally stop sucking if I ran things. Let me introduce you to my cabinet: Annabelle and BoomBoom,” said Bob Van Daniels indicating his biceps.

Not all citizens were swayed by Sir Ryan’s campaign promises. “He promised me he’d build the first gay bar in Byron City. But I’m not gay, so I’m not sure why he’d promise me that,” said citizen Dr. Evan Frederick. “No, really, I’m not. Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sarcastic Thief Sentenced, Makes Judge Cry

The thief accused of holding up a gas station with nothing but sarcasm was sentenced to 2 years in prison today. It sentence was originally set for five years but was reduced when lawyers pointed out that the thief used no deadly force or threat, and even more so after the suspect belittled the judge to the point of tears.

“Oh wow, look at your robs, you look sooOOooOOoo regal and intimidating. I’m totally standing out of respect, and not because I’m being forced to,” the thief said upon rising when the judge first entered the courtroom.

The thief spent the rest of the trial sighing loudly and bobbling his head while making jazz hands and saying “OoooooOOooo I’m sooo bad,” anytime the prosecution spoke condemningly of his crime.

After dropping the thief’s sentence from five to three years, the thief replied “Wow, I’m totally scared of prison. And I was totally fooled by your toupee, your honor,” while using air quotes while saying both “fooled” and “your honor.”

The Judge broke into tears, reduced the sentence to two years, then swiftly instructed the bailiff to get the “big meanie” out of his courtroom.


Sarcastic Thief Caught, Renaissance Festival “Plagued” With Problems – Byron City News Digest

Sarcastic Thief Caught

The thief responsible for holding up a gas station last week, armed with nothing but sarcasm, has been caught at his home in the outskirts of Byron City.

The thief, identified as Byron City resident Paul White, made off with over $400 from the cash register, deeply hurting the feelings of the cashier in the process. After spending the weekend with his mother, the cashier’s self esteem has fully recovered.

The suspect did not go peacefully. Upon their arrival, the police were immediately hit by a barrage of mean words and cutting remarks, leaving one officer’s ego severely wounded.

“Oh, wow, you caught me, you guys are sooOOoo smart,” said Mr. White upon seeing the cops. “You’re a regular Sherlock Holmes, seriously. You’re all bound to get a medal for this one. Good one,” he said while clapping slowly in a patronizing manner.

Once Mr. White was apprehended, he was immediately cuffed and had duct tape placed over his mouth to prevent further assault, though he still reportedly “rolled his eyes” and “groaned impatiently” at officers all the way to the police station before placing him in solitary confinement.

“Wow. LOVE what you’ve done with the place. Really. I feel RIGHT at home. Did you get Martha Stewart involved in this?” Mr. White said upon entering solitary, where he will await his hearing.

Police were able to track down Mr. White thanks to a tip from neighbor Daisy Jackson. Mrs. Jackson claimed that her son, a paperboy, had been abused by Mr. White while making his rounds. The suspect allegedly told the boy that he was “the best paperboy in the world…NOT!,” and “You have a bright future, seriously, keep it up,” in a way that Mrs. Jackson described as “a tone.” Charges for the verbal abuse is still pending.

Renaissance Festival’s Black Death March Parade Not Well Received

Byron City’s Annual Renaissance Festival took place this weekend, and was it’s most successful and well attended in its history. But events, such as the Black Death March Parade, have left some wondering whether they will attend next year,

The parade, a new addition this year, featured numerous actors parading down the street, limping, vomiting blood, losing limbs, and “dying” at various points along the parade route. Some even attached leeches to their faces for “authenticity.”

“My kid wouldn’t stop crying,” said Jed Benson, Byron City resident and father. “This is really bad timing for me to have bought The Court Jester for him on DVD. I wonder if I can exchange it for Cars 2?”

The festival was “plagued” with other issues, such as a rogue Jack Sparrow impersonator, and a group of college students who walked around the entire time talking loudly about how the festival was “totally historically inaccurate.”

Renaissance Festival chairman Sir Ryan has yet to comment, but had carved the word “REVENGE” into a picnic bench in capitol letters.

Byron City News Digest: Accusations of Doggy Racism, 85% of Easter Eggs Unfound, Man Holds Up Gas Station with Sarcasm

Byron City Dog Show Results: Doggy Racism

Mr. Fluff-Face, a West Highland White Terrier, won Byron City’s First Annual Dog Show, unleashing a flood of accusations of doggy racism among the judging panel.

“Interesting how a Westie won the first ever dog show this year, totally ignoring the Pekingese, Chihuahuas, Shar-Peis, Shih-Tzus, Chow Chows, Chocolate Labs, and the other more ethnic breeds,” said Charlotte Andrews, contestant and owner of Bonesy the Chocolate Lab.

“I won’t say Mr. Fluff-Face didn’t deserve it, but we’re setting a dangerous precedent here,” said Andrew Mangers, French Bulldog owner and president of Byron City Musical Theater Revival company.

Most of the accusation falls upon the Show’s founder, Stephanie Banks, who stirred controversy last year for her involvement in an anti-Semitic fundraiser, Keeping Dogs Off Our Streets, propagated by the Neo-Nazi Party of America. Banks maintains that she “thought it was a fundraiser for homeless dogs!”

85% of Easter Eggs Remain Unfound

After the Byron City Easter Eggstravaganza yesterday, most of the participating children, along with the adults, failed to find 85% of the eggs.

The eggs this year were hidden by members of the Bryron City Geocaching Society, and although they provided GPS trackers and compass orienteering to all the children, most eggs still remained unfound.

Man Holds Up Gas Station with Sarcasm 

An unknown man stole $376 from a gas station attendant armed only with sarcasm. He was otherwise unarmed.

According to the attendant and security footage, the man entered the store and immediately rushed the attendant with cutting words, such as “Nice store you have here. Not.” and “Oh wow, spinning hot dogs under a heat lamp. Sooooo original.” The assailant then demanded the attendant “give me all the money from the register, since you’re sooOOoo smart,” and the attendant emptied the cash register under the strain of the emotional battery. The thief made off with the money, saying on the way out, “Thanks for the money. I Reeeeallly I appreciate it.”

The attendant’s feelings were badly hurt, but he has since stabilized and he is currently recovering at his mom’s house.