How to tell your kids you’re not voting for Obama this year

It’s a tough situation. Your kids come over from the city for the weekend before the election, decked out in Obama shirts, buttons, and rally signs, and ask if you’re ready to vote this year.  “Yes, of course I am,” you answer. They didn’t seem to notice there are no Obama signs in your front yard, that you change the subject every time they bring up how much they hate Mitt Romney, or the Book of Mormon sitting on the hall table.

How do you break it to your kids that you’re NOT voting for Obama this year?

You know what I mean, right? Sure, 2008 was great, and for a moment after you voted for Obama, you felt pretty cool. You went with the guy all the young kids were voting for, you helped elect the first black president, and your own kids thought you were the coolest parents ever. That lasted about a week. Then we went back to not being cool and they went back to ignoring us except when they want us to pay their smart phone bill again.

So being cool for a bit was fun and all, but I think I’ll go back to voting how I usually vote. I’m just not sure how to tell my kids, “I’m not really a liberal. I was just experimenting.”

So I did some brainstorming and came up with a few thoughts on how to subtlety, or not so subtlety, break it to your kids.

How to tell your kids you’re not voting for Obama this year:

  1. Tell them you’ll vote for Obama when the job market improves to the point that they can get a job and move out of your basement.
  2. Confess you never really liked using youtube and twitter to follow politics anyways.
  3. Leave a binder marked “Women” somewhere they’ll see it.
  4. Put a question mark next to your 2008 Obama “HOPE” poster and leave it somewhere they’ll see it.
  5. Mention that you’re just really excited Sarah Palin isn’t on the Republican ticket this year.
  6. Say, “Your father and I are getting a divorce.” When they start to cry, say, “Just kidding. We’re just not voting for Obama this year.” It will make not voting for Obama seem less important.
  7. Mention that, since you pay to fill up their gas twice a week, you’re not that excited to vote for a president who doesn’t like drilling.
  8. Say that even though you don’t actually believe in all the “birther” rumors, you don’t really consider Hawaii a part of the US either.
  9. Tell them Joe Biden hit on their mother.
  10. Say you’ll vote for Obama as soon as they stop “occupying wall street” and start occupying their own apartment.
  11. Tell them that it’s been long enough after George W. Bush that you don’t feel so crazy scared of republicans anymore.
  12. Tell them you’re just trying to disprove the old adage, “Once you go black…”
  13. Teach them a valuable lesson: a kiss is not a contract, and killing Bin Laden is not a vote.
  14. Now that “change has come to American,” you’re kinda ready for it to change back to the way things were when everyone had money.
  15. Tell them you’d rather be right than cool.

So there it is, I hope this helps. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a few copies of “The Audacity of Hope” I want to put on eBay.


I Want to Be Crazy Rich

I’ve been reading up about Mitt Romney, and people are upset because they are saying he’s too rich. There’s no such thing. We ALL want to be “too rich.” I know I do. I want to be crazy rich. I’m not just talking adopt-malasian-babies and wear-my-sunglasses-indoors crazy. I’m talking Howard Hughes, Marc Cuban, Oprah Winfrey crazy.

If I were as rich as Mitt Romney, I wouldn’t run for president. I would use my millions not only to build a laser tag arena with laser-shooting eagles in my home, but I’d use my millions to freak people out. Here’s my plan:

I’d build a huge mansion in the middle of an average American suburb. I’d bulldoze all of their stupid houses and put mine right in the middle.

Once I moved in, I’d board up all windows from the outside except for one, and each night I’d stand in front of that window, never moving, just watching, and never come out.

This would go on for years.

The only sign of life they’d see would be once per week, when the trash gets picked up, I’d have crazy stuff set out on the corner for the trash: A pelt of an extinct animal, an ant farm with miniature human skeletons, fingerless dishwashing gloves, newspapers for years that haven’t happened yet, a garbage bag stuffed with empty Mr. Pibb cans and a giant Mr. Pibb can stuffed with garbage bags, Crocs in the shape of the foot of an actual croc,  undiet coke bottles, a BlackBerry PlayBook…you know, weird stuff.

Oh yea. That's it, baby.

People would talk.

At night when it would rain, my house would change colors. Instead of dogs going missing in the neighborhood, people would suddenly find a cloned version of their dog in their yard, identical in every way, except one eye would be a different color.

The neighbors would constantly be on edge.

I’d stand in front of that window every night. Until one night I won’t be in front of that window.

And that’s the night everyone in the neighborhood would get a flaming bad of poo on their doorsteps.

The angry neighbors would come to mansion the next morning, angrily blaming me for the burning poo.

But when they got to my house, it would be completely burned to the ground. With nothing left behind besides a diorama of the neighborhood with miniature models of everyone in the neighborhood, surrounding and bowing down to a pedestal with an elephant skull on top.

The source of all that poo? No one will ever know.

Taylor Lautner Projected Winner, Ron Paul Second, Someone Screwed Up

From the Office of the Mayor:

With 100% of the votes counted, actor Taylor Lautner is the projected winner for the republican primary nominee. Ron Paul came in second. We’re pretty sure someone screwed up here.

We think we know what happened. As you know, our Republican Caucus was held at the same time and place as the Valentine’s Day Lover’s Ball. While some were casting their votes in private, solemn booths for the republican nominee, others were voting in glittery, pink boxes on who their dream Valentine’s Date would be. Obviously, someone mixed up a box or two. Or some voters just got confused.

While Taylor Lautner won the caucus, 45% of women chose Mitt Romney as their Valentine, ahead of George Clooney, Robert Pattinson, and Newt Gingrich, who took fourth place. Mitt’s a good looking man, but still, there’s no way this is legit.

Regardless, because of our unreliable and possibly tampered results, the state is not counting the votes from Byron City. Lets try to learn some lessons here for when the general election hits.

For what it’s worth, here are the results:

Republican Presidential Nominee100% of districts reporting
Taylor Lautner 38% *Projected Winner
Ron Paul 25%
Rick Santorum 19%
Justin Bieber 15%
Sir Ryan 3%

Celebrity Valentine Crush
Mitt Romney 45%
George Clooney 19%
Robert Pattinson 16%
Newt Gingrich 10%
John Hamm 7%
Ryan Gosling 2%
Other 1%

– Office of the Mayor, Byron City


Who to vote for: The rich guy, the open-marriage guy, the sweater-vest guy, or the anarchy guy

I’m about to go to the Byron City Republican Primary Caucus tonight, and I’m undecided on who I should vote for.

I voted for Barak Obama last time, but I’m not this time because I don’t like him as much. I don’t like the dog they picked and the economy isn’t better and that latino family that lives down the street hasn’t been deported yet.

I haven’t had time to do much research, but from what I’ve gathered watching the big news networks like CNN, Fox News, ABC News, this is what I’ve learned:

There’s that one good-looking mormon guy who’s the front runner, but is not Christian enough, not warm enough, hates dogs, and is too rich.

Then there’s that other guy with a big head who wanted the open marriage and wants to build a moon base.

And there’s the one that wears the sweater vest. I don’t know anything else about him.

And then there’s that guy that everyone here in the retirement home hates but my grandson loves, and who is dangerous and crazy.

That’s the gist of what I’ve learned about the candidates based on what the news tells me. So I don’t know who to choose!!! Someone help me! Is that black man still running?

Maybe I’ll just vote for Sarah Palin.

– Jean

P.S. I just looked the sweater vest man up on the internet, and was so shocked! What an unfortunate last name!


Event: Byron City Republican Caucus / Lovers Ball

From the office of the Mayor:

The City Events calendar has been updated.

Due to an oversight and double-booking, we will be having our town’s Republican Caucus at the same time and venue as our Annual Valentine’s Day Lover’s Ball. Even though the two big events must share a space, this will not deter the romance/patriotism of the evening, as all loved-ones/constituents will enjoy this special night full of enchantment/arguing.

Come dressed to impress/intimidate your sweetheart/opponent. The city will provide plenty of refreshments and a full bar / donations station. The evening will be sure to rekindle the flames of passion/ national pride as you slow dance/chant campaign slogans entwined in the arms of your valentine/allies. You’ll no doubt leave with an image of your lover/Mitt Romney forever emblazoned in your heart.

Registration is $50 per couple, $30 for single tickets, unless you’re coming for the caucus; we can’t legally charge for that.

*Please Note: There will be both kissing booths and voting booths present. Please do not confuse the two.