Mayor Chuck Resigns! – Byron City News Digest

Mayor of Byron City, Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther has resigned amidst bribery and corruption allegations, specifically appointing people to city council in exchange for political favors. He was indicted after audio and picture evidence revealed Mayor Chuck making a deal with Byron City’s Medieval Club to leave the Occupy Byron City protest, effectively ending the demonstration, in exchange for appointing one of their members to city council. Sir Ryan was appointed to the City Council shortly after the Occupy Byron City movement had ended.

Ex-Mayor of Byron City Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck has in the past maintained his innocence, saying he “never did anything illegal” and has accused Sir Ryan of blackmail, a charge Sir Ryan adamantly denies. However, apparently under pressure from the City council and protests at City Hall, this morning Mayor Chuck has stepped down.

“I wanted to keep serving the people in the town I love, keeping speed limits low and teenagers from making too much noise, but in light of recent events, the best thing for Byron City appears to be to step down,” said Mayor Chuck today at an early morning press conference. “So all of you can go shove it.”

At the end of the press conference, Chuck Barther removed his tie and flipped off everyone in the room. He reported went strait to Byron City Meadows Golf Resort for a strong glass of scotch.

Following Byron City law, City Council is expected to appoint a new Mayor by the end of the month.

County Fair Begins to Huge Success

The County Fair successfully kicked off at Moon’s Field yesterday morning in Byron City. This is the first time that Byron City has hosted the fair since the great “Mayonnaise Incident the last time they hosted the event [number] years ago.

The most popular attractions so far have been the Sausage Fest food tent, the Hurl-A-Whirl ride, and the Tunnel of Love (it is not recommended to do those things in order). Other attractions include “Porky’s Pig Racing,” “Paintball-a-Palooza,” and “Guess Where I’ve Hid My Hot Dog?”

The annual and ever-popular Weight-Gain-a-Thon, the competition to see who can gain the most weight in a single day at the fair, will be held Wednesday. Registraion closes end of day Tuesday.

End of Occupy Byron City makes me sad I can’t watch the city’s scum all at once

At first I was annoyed at the Occupy Byron City movement: pointless copycats of another group of pointless copycats of the original 60s pointless dirty hippie, who were horrible people, too, and still roam our woods at night in search of places to run around naked and hairy. One of these days the people of this city will thank me for my many hippie traps I have scattered through the forest and in some parts of town (be wary of the tea house).

But now that it’s over, I’m sad, because I realized that I was able to keep an eye on all the city’s scum at once. Doing my routine sweep of the entire city used to take me all day, but with Occupy Byron City, I was able to simply hide in the bushes of city hall in my ghillie suit eating dehydrated peaches and peeing in a beer bottle. I suppose I got used to being lazy. Now I’m back to my grueling routine of peeking through neighbors’ windows at night and knocking and running to make sure no terrorists have taken anyone hostage inside. Fun, but still a lot more work than during that week and a half of protests.

P.S. Mayor Chuck, I apologize for the collection of urine beer bottles I left in front of city hall.

There's one now!

MOB FOR JOBS TALENT SHOW1

SO, we had to make some changes for the talent show since most of the town is here in front of City Hall, but I think our talent show was a HUGE success!!

Willow told some poems and I didn’t really know what they meant, but she danced around Mayor Chuck’s car and jumped on his hood, so that was a lot of fun!

Peggy didn’t get to make her casserole because she lit a tree on fire in front of Mayor Chuck’s office and so she was in jail during our talent show. But I’m sure it would’ve been very tasty!!!!

Evers made SUCH a cute dress with his windbreaker. He’s so smart! He didn’t even go home to get his sewing kit. He told me not to post any pictures up here, but he looked SO good!! I think he definitely should be first place. And I’ll take second for my Brad Paisley song. We got the whole block singing by the end, except I needed to finish the chorus by myself, so that was kind of upsetting, but everyone was happy, so I’ll probably just sing it again on YouTube and let you all listen to it.

Unfortunately, we didn’t get to raise any money for Steve Jobs’s family because nobody paid to get in. Willow said we should have to pay to entertain ourselves and that that’s what corporations want us to do. It’s really sad, but maybe we can raise money some other way. At least we all had fun Occupying Byron!!

Hark! I thus call for a cease to all Occupation!

Ladies and Gents,

As thou knowest, we have thus hence been in the attitude of demonstrating again’st the fowl misuse of tyranny at Byron City. Ye also know’st that I, with my merry band have protest’ed with ye from the eve of the discontentment, throwing cabbage and playing ye olde protest songs all the daye long.

Therefore it is with some forlornity that I plead for disbandment of our protest. Just, it may be, but as a whole it is woeful for our town. We are being seen as just another towne of hippies and degenerates. Others in the ever-flat world may fall into anarchy and ignobility, but we must’st not! There be better ways to deal with the vile plutocracy.

So on this fair morn, I and my band shall leave the protest, and hope that ye others may follow.

Rejoice! The end of Occupy Byron City is nigh!

We must’st be ever civil, just as Lord Mayor Chuck whom, though lambasted by the masses, looked nobly on, serving faithfully still, like a forsaken shepherd looking lovingly over his protesting, unshowered, pot-smoking flock.

In more merry and completely unrelated news, I would’st also like to announce my official appointment to the City Council by Mayor Chuck, effective immediately.

In humble servitude,

– Sir Ryan, Knight of the City Council

Put Your List of Demands Here!

Fellow protestors! We’ve been criticized recently for being a leaderless, directionless, Occupy Wall Street copy cat with no real goals! So I’m having everyone write down their demands in the comment boxes below so we’re more organized.

My demand: make the richest 1% in the city pay more taxes! (like my neighbor, “Doctor” Paulo Silva, who’s not really a doctor anyways since he’s just a dentist, and how can he afford a bigger house than me anyways? AND a boat? And I heard he’s even having a pool put in. There’s no way he makes more than me, I’m thinking there are some illegal practices going on here, but that’s just speculation, he is from South America after all, which also makes me wonder about the legitimacy of his “dental” degree…)

So put your demand below, and tomorrow we’ll approach city hall with our list!

Dr. Frederick

P.S. I’m the exception to this rule, though, since I give to charity and am a bit more of a celebrity than the other rich people in town.

In regard to Occupy Byron City Protest

It’s really getting to me. I’m so upset about it. It occupies my thoughts all day. Please, please don’t do this! And, of course, what I’m referring to is the fact that Costco has discontinued carrying the type of tube socks I like. Not the Occupy Byron City protest. That’s how little I care about your dumb little Wall Street wanna-be demonstration. I care more about tube socks than the fact that you’re picketing over who knows what because your lives are too boring and stupid to do anything useful.

Get a life.

– Mayor Chuck

Occupy Byron–Day Two

The citizens of Byron have been here for two days, protesting the bureaucracy that is Bryon City. I’m so proud of Dave, he got thrown in jail for disturbing the peace when he threw his bluetooth at a police officer. He’ll be back tomorrow, rallying with the rest of us!

In the meantime, I’ve documented our gathering. It’s getting so big. We’ve almost got 25 people here today!

A couple of my friends from Seattle stopped by yesterday on their way to Wall Street. Thanks, Jem and Sunshine!

Some of the ladies from Byron Women Now got in on the protest too.

Dr. Frederick’s been causing a lot of uproar as well.

And Bill Grue even stopped by to protest the beer ban at the Autumn Enjoyable Trot.


So come downtown right now! Leave your jobs and protest the poverty!