Mayor Chuck Resigns! – Byron City News Digest

Mayor of Byron City, Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther has resigned amidst bribery and corruption allegations, specifically appointing people to city council in exchange for political favors. He was indicted after audio and picture evidence revealed Mayor Chuck making a deal with Byron City’s Medieval Club to leave the Occupy Byron City protest, effectively ending the demonstration, in exchange for appointing one of their members to city council. Sir Ryan was appointed to the City Council shortly after the Occupy Byron City movement had ended.

Ex-Mayor of Byron City Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck has in the past maintained his innocence, saying he “never did anything illegal” and has accused Sir Ryan of blackmail, a charge Sir Ryan adamantly denies. However, apparently under pressure from the City council and protests at City Hall, this morning Mayor Chuck has stepped down.

“I wanted to keep serving the people in the town I love, keeping speed limits low and teenagers from making too much noise, but in light of recent events, the best thing for Byron City appears to be to step down,” said Mayor Chuck today at an early morning press conference. “So all of you can go shove it.”

At the end of the press conference, Chuck Barther removed his tie and flipped off everyone in the room. He reported went strait to Byron City Meadows Golf Resort for a strong glass of scotch.

Following Byron City law, City Council is expected to appoint a new Mayor by the end of the month.

County Fair Begins to Huge Success

The County Fair successfully kicked off at Moon’s Field yesterday morning in Byron City. This is the first time that Byron City has hosted the fair since the great “Mayonnaise Incident the last time they hosted the event [number] years ago.

The most popular attractions so far have been the Sausage Fest food tent, the Hurl-A-Whirl ride, and the Tunnel of Love (it is not recommended to do those things in order). Other attractions include “Porky’s Pig Racing,” “Paintball-a-Palooza,” and “Guess Where I’ve Hid My Hot Dog?”

The annual and ever-popular Weight-Gain-a-Thon, the competition to see who can gain the most weight in a single day at the fair, will be held Wednesday. Registraion closes end of day Tuesday.

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Giant Bat-Gate: How to Genetically Engineer an Election

It’s all coming together.

Citizens of Byron City, I’ve recently discovered the reason for the increase in giant bats in Byron City. It was caused by the unbridled political aspirations of our esteemed, mild mannered Mayor Chuck Barther!

I wrote a few weeks back about a noticeable increase in the amount of giant bat sightings we’ve been having in Byron City, but I had yet to come up with a credible explanation. Then just this morning, as I was monitoring my home outside in my ghillie suit from my hollowed-out elm tree I noticed a mysterious man wearing a dark cloak approaching. I had just finished squaring up my tranquilizing gun when I noticed him drop a mysterious envelope on my front door. I opened it, and after checking it for monitoring devices or traces of weaponized bird flu, I read it. It contained 5 pages.

Page 1- a letter, hand-written in very elaborate cursive, telling me that Mayor Chuck is responsible for all the giant bats, and that if I were to assist him in usurping the Mayor, he would help me hunt and destroy them, along with making sure no more queers or Mexicans moved into our town.

Page 2- proof in the form of pictures and audio tape, of Mayor Chuck giving illegal political favors to Occupy Byron City protestors in exchange for them to quit protesting and leave City Hall. This explains why it ended so abruptly and why Mayor Chuck was so defensive over accusations of a scandal.

Page 3- picture of Mayor Chuck getting a free refill on his coke at the Renaissance Festival when free refills were NOT included.

Page 4- a really scary picture of a giant bat (included below)

Page 5- a document containing only the handwritten phrase, “The City will be Mine!” and the words “Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha” over and over again, in red ink.

“Bwah ha ha” is right, giant bats. The city will be ours again. Your days are numbered. And so are yours, Mayor Chuck. Next time you’ll think twice before genetically engineering an election. Thank you, mysterious cloaked man. You have my support.

– Bill Grue

Giant bat, or demon from hell? The answer: yes.