I Want to Be Crazy Rich

I’ve been reading up about Mitt Romney, and people are upset because they are saying he’s too rich. There’s no such thing. We ALL want to be “too rich.” I know I do. I want to be crazy rich. I’m not just talking adopt-malasian-babies and wear-my-sunglasses-indoors crazy. I’m talking Howard Hughes, Marc Cuban, Oprah Winfrey crazy.

If I were as rich as Mitt Romney, I wouldn’t run for president. I would use my millions not only to build a laser tag arena with laser-shooting eagles in my home, but I’d use my millions to freak people out. Here’s my plan:

I’d build a huge mansion in the middle of an average American suburb. I’d bulldoze all of their stupid houses and put mine right in the middle.

Once I moved in, I’d board up all windows from the outside except for one, and each night I’d stand in front of that window, never moving, just watching, and never come out.

This would go on for years.

The only sign of life they’d see would be once per week, when the trash gets picked up, I’d have crazy stuff set out on the corner for the trash: A pelt of an extinct animal, an ant farm with miniature human skeletons, fingerless dishwashing gloves, newspapers for years that haven’t happened yet, a garbage bag stuffed with empty Mr. Pibb cans and a giant Mr. Pibb can stuffed with garbage bags, Crocs in the shape of the foot of an actual croc,  undiet coke bottles, a BlackBerry PlayBook…you know, weird stuff.

Oh yea. That's it, baby.

People would talk.

At night when it would rain, my house would change colors. Instead of dogs going missing in the neighborhood, people would suddenly find a cloned version of their dog in their yard, identical in every way, except one eye would be a different color.

The neighbors would constantly be on edge.

I’d stand in front of that window every night. Until one night I won’t be in front of that window.

And that’s the night everyone in the neighborhood would get a flaming bad of poo on their doorsteps.

The angry neighbors would come to mansion the next morning, angrily blaming me for the burning poo.

But when they got to my house, it would be completely burned to the ground. With nothing left behind besides a diorama of the neighborhood with miniature models of everyone in the neighborhood, surrounding and bowing down to a pedestal with an elephant skull on top.

The source of all that poo? No one will ever know.

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Investment Opportunities!!!

Look, a few days have gone by and not many of you are coming by to take advantage of the incredible deal I offered on my Easy Lifters. And it’s ok, because now I have something even better: investment opportunities! I have a lot of other great ideas that I think are going to be big. We’re talking “Next iPod” big!

Check out my list. These are all in prototype form for now, but I thought I’d give the wonderful citizens of my home town of Byron City the chance to get in on the ground floor. And all these ideas are patented, so don’t you dare think of stealing them! Jk (but seriously, don’t).

1- A Don’t-Be-Alarmed Clock Tired of an alarm clock that only tells you when you’re late? This alarm clock chimes in at random times of the day to tell you everything is ok, with messages like, “Hi Dave, it’s 12:15 and everything is fine. You’re doing great, buddy.”

2- Pet Flare Guns Your pets will never get lost again!

Pet Flare Guns

Pet Flare Guns- Fido will never lose his way again!

3- Soap Soap- The Soap for Soap! Do other people in your home use the same bar of soap as you do? Who knows WHAT they’re cleaning with it?! Now you can have peace of mind with new Soap Soap. The only soap designed to clean soap.

4- Disposable Keys Who has room anymore for a keyring of ugly, uncomfortable metal keys? Introducing Disposable Keys! Just lock, then toss! And they’re biodegradable, so it’s good for the environment!

5- Bike Toilets Go when you’re on the go!

6- Love Handles Not fat but still want love? Buy these patented Love Handles to give that special someone something to hold on to!

7- Hot Ice Cream Because not everyone likes their ice cream cold!

8- Stain Mover For people who like stains, but want them moved to a different place.

9- Waterless Swimming Pools Scared of water? Have small children? No problem!

10- I’m not Crazy Glue When you need a bond that sticks, but don’t want the neighbors to look at you funny.

That’s all for now, so let me know how many of each you’d like to buy, and I’ll be over to your house for a personalized demonstration. I take cash or check. No card, because honestly, who would ever want an invention that lets individual venders take credit card payments on their Smart Phones? Now that’s a dumb idea.