Giant Bat-Gate: How to Genetically Engineer an Election

It’s all coming together.

Citizens of Byron City, I’ve recently discovered the reason for the increase in giant bats in Byron City. It was caused by the unbridled political aspirations of our esteemed, mild mannered Mayor Chuck Barther!

I wrote a few weeks back about a noticeable increase in the amount of giant bat sightings we’ve been having in Byron City, but I had yet to come up with a credible explanation. Then just this morning, as I was monitoring my home outside in my ghillie suit from my hollowed-out elm tree I noticed a mysterious man wearing a dark cloak approaching. I had just finished squaring up my tranquilizing gun when I noticed him drop a mysterious envelope on my front door. I opened it, and after checking it for monitoring devices or traces of weaponized bird flu, I read it. It contained 5 pages.

Page 1- a letter, hand-written in very elaborate cursive, telling me that Mayor Chuck is responsible for all the giant bats, and that if I were to assist him in usurping the Mayor, he would help me hunt and destroy them, along with making sure no more queers or Mexicans moved into our town.

Page 2- proof in the form of pictures and audio tape, of Mayor Chuck giving illegal political favors to Occupy Byron City protestors in exchange for them to quit protesting and leave City Hall. This explains why it ended so abruptly and why Mayor Chuck was so defensive over accusations of a scandal.

Page 3- picture of Mayor Chuck getting a free refill on his coke at the Renaissance Festival when free refills were NOT included.

Page 4- a really scary picture of a giant bat (included below)

Page 5- a document containing only the handwritten phrase, “The City will be Mine!” and the words “Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha” over and over again, in red ink.

“Bwah ha ha” is right, giant bats. The city will be ours again. Your days are numbered. And so are yours, Mayor Chuck. Next time you’ll think twice before genetically engineering an election. Thank you, mysterious cloaked man. You have my support.

– Bill Grue

Giant bat, or demon from hell? The answer: yes.


Ah, Spring, the lovely time when…ak! Another freaking spider web…

I love the Spring! I’ve taken the day off and am walking through a park right now, typing this post on my iPhone. The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I just…blah! I just walked into a freaking spider web! Plwah! Get it off, get it off! Where’s the spider?! I hate spiders I hate spiders I hate spiders get it off get it off…

Ok, I’m good now. As I was saying, everything during the spring is so full of life and promise.  Everything smells fresh and new, like…what is that smell? Hm, that’s weird. Why do those tree blossoms smell like garbage? I mean, they kind of smell good I guess, but they mostly smell like rotting fruit. Uh oh, I’m dry heaving…

Ok, it’s fine, it’s fine. I walked away. Not going to let it ruin my spring day off. I’ll just remove my shoes and walk in the grass barefoot. I love the feel of fresh grass blades between my toes. The warmth of the sun with the cool ground makes me want to throw a Frisbee or fly a kite or…tell me I did not just step in dog crap?! Ew! No no no no no! This is the worst! And in my bare feet!

I’ll just sit over on these park benches and clean my foot off. I can still…Arg! Who left half a hollowed-out watermelon just sitting here? It looks like it’s been here for days! And why are there  cigarette butts inside of it? Did some stupid hicks just really need an ashtray? Oh good, the rotting garbage blossoms are falling now. Good thing I have this half a watermelon to puke into.

Seriously, what is wrong with the universe?! I’m flipping out. There’s this big black fly buzzing around me that will NOT leave me alone, there’s a family having a picnic over there blasting meringue music through a blown-out stereo so loud that my fillings hurt, and I’m pretty sure I accidentally swallowed something when getting some water at the drinking fountain. Feels like hair. And now I just stepped in gum. Yup, the same foot that just stepped in dog crap. That’s it. I’m outta here.

I made myself some banana bread earlier this morning that’s cooling on the counter. That sounds good. Should lift my spirits.

There are ants all over my kitchen, eating my banana bread. I hate the spring.