Giant Bat-Gate: How to Genetically Engineer an Election

It’s all coming together.

Citizens of Byron City, I’ve recently discovered the reason for the increase in giant bats in Byron City. It was caused by the unbridled political aspirations of our esteemed, mild mannered Mayor Chuck Barther!

I wrote a few weeks back about a noticeable increase in the amount of giant bat sightings we’ve been having in Byron City, but I had yet to come up with a credible explanation. Then just this morning, as I was monitoring my home outside in my ghillie suit from my hollowed-out elm tree I noticed a mysterious man wearing a dark cloak approaching. I had just finished squaring up my tranquilizing gun when I noticed him drop a mysterious envelope on my front door. I opened it, and after checking it for monitoring devices or traces of weaponized bird flu, I read it. It contained 5 pages.

Page 1- a letter, hand-written in very elaborate cursive, telling me that Mayor Chuck is responsible for all the giant bats, and that if I were to assist him in usurping the Mayor, he would help me hunt and destroy them, along with making sure no more queers or Mexicans moved into our town.

Page 2- proof in the form of pictures and audio tape, of Mayor Chuck giving illegal political favors to Occupy Byron City protestors in exchange for them to quit protesting and leave City Hall. This explains why it ended so abruptly and why Mayor Chuck was so defensive over accusations of a scandal.

Page 3- picture of Mayor Chuck getting a free refill on his coke at the Renaissance Festival when free refills were NOT included.

Page 4- a really scary picture of a giant bat (included below)

Page 5- a document containing only the handwritten phrase, “The City will be Mine!” and the words “Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha” over and over again, in red ink.

“Bwah ha ha” is right, giant bats. The city will be ours again. Your days are numbered. And so are yours, Mayor Chuck. Next time you’ll think twice before genetically engineering an election. Thank you, mysterious cloaked man. You have my support.

– Bill Grue

Giant bat, or demon from hell? The answer: yes.


I’m alarmed with the amount of giant bats around lately

As many of you know, I am the eyes and ears of Byron City. It’s my mission to know what the federal government is up to before they do. They are always watching us, but who is watching them? Me, that’s who. And if you valued your freedom, you would to.

Giant Bats like these are appearing all over Byron City.

So in my surveillance, I often come across the bears, opossums, Sasquatches, chupacabras, stray cats, and other ungodly creatures, and if they don’t bother me, I don’t bother them. But lately I’ve been concerned with the amount of giant bats that have been coming into town lately.

They have always been in Byron City. I saw the first one back in 1984, and have documented sightings a couple of times a year all the way up until present day. But those sightings have become more frequent, which means their population is steadily growing. Which only leads me to one conclusion: World War III is close at hand.

The government has given far too much power to the EPA to make decisions regarding the environment. If the EPA had their way, we would all to live in grass huts eating bamboo shoots out of dung bowls commuting to and from work on dolphins and rainbows. They hate freedom more than anyone, and they want to help nature push humans back into submission. As a result, they’ve turned to bioengineering and genetics to help make animals stronger so they can better defend their “natural” habitat. Which has led them to extensive and unethical experimentation, which has in turn lead them to recruit pharmaceutical companies to provide experimental drugs in exchange for letting them sell Viagra and Cialis and baby aspirin, leading them to hire the most dangerous scientists in the world, leading them to consort with terrorists, communists, and democrats, the true axis of evil, who will, in a grab for power and advantage, inevitably create some of the worst monsters the world has ever seen, plunging us into the type of World War 3 we never saw coming: humans vs biologically engineered animals.

This is a man vs wild that even Bear Grylls couldn’t handle, especially if it’s something in his contract that he doesn’t want to do (yea, I read the papers).

This makes the encounter I had with this frightening creature all the more terrifying. Get ready, Byron City. Make your bomb shelters gnaw-proof and send your law makers a copy of Jurassic Park, because the animal apocalypse is coming.

Another Helpful Tip: whenever you see an opossum, run the other way. No, the government didn’t make these monsters. Satan did.

Opossum = wrath of Beelzebub