I will not apologize for getting drunk and calling everyone in town “sucky.”

The Autumn Enjoyable Trot, as we all know, was a resounding success. The kids had fun, we adults got to socialize, and no one was accidentally shot by hunters like last year. So why muddy the whole experience by forcing me to give a public apology for getting drunk and calling everyone in the town “sucky”?

I mean, it could have been much worse. I could have called everyone in the town terrorists, or communists, or racists, or feminists, or mexicans, or a bunch of other horrible thoughts that ran through my head at the time, so we should all be happy that I said what I said instead of those other things.

See? This is what I was going for.

I will also not apologize for dumping the bobbing for apples barrel on top of Mayor Chuck while chanting “We’re number 1! We’re number 1!” I did it in a celebratory spirit showing my pride in Byron City, and there was no malice behind my intentions.

I will also not apologize for hitting on Stephanie Banks-Dickson after mistaking her for my wife. The two look similar after a few drinks (no really, they do!), and had I simply grabbed my OWN wife’s buttcheeks while making honking noises, there would have been no need to call the police.

I will also not apologize for drooling on my wife’s expensive couch pillows. She should have thought of that before she made me sleep there. She should apologize to ME for also taking away the Xbox when I could have used it during my banishment from the bedroom.

I WILL apologize, however, to the other partners and associates at my law firm for the spanking my fantasy football team gave them all this past weekend. Looks like the $1000 pool is going to be all mine again this year. Booya!

Rashad Stevens