Graduate Can’t Stop Throwing Hats in the Air – Byron City News Digest Graduation Edition

Graduate Can’t Stop Throwing Hats in the Air
Byron High School Graduate Dennis Cartwright can’t stop grabbing hats and throwing them in the air after participating in the traditional “throwing of graduation cap in the air” at the conclusion of the graduation ceremony.

“It started with his graduation cap, then all his ball caps, and now he goes up to complete strangers, throws their hats in the air, and then runs away,” says Dennis’s mother, Debbie Cartwright. “It’s a compulsion and he says he can’t control it.”

As of press time, Dennis was getting frustrated with Krispy Kreme Donut hats.

Live-in Graduate Gowns
Graduates from Byron High School are still wearing their graduation caps and gowns two weeks after graduation in order to “get my money’s worth.” Whether this is a coordinated demonstration against the rising costs of education and the extortion of students, or just some weird new thing kids are doing now, no one knows.

Commencement Speaker Aspires to Speak at a Better School
This year’s commencement speaker, inventor Thomas Rathe Jr, inventor of the Easy Lifter, addressed graduates at Byron High School by discussing his aspirations to one day be the commencement speaker at better school.

When can we go home?

The student body immediately responded to the comments by continuing to play on their cell phones and pay no attention whatsoever to what was going on.

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Spelling Bee
The 9th Annual Byron City Spelling Bee ended with local 4th Grader Anne Patel correctly spelling “you’re.”

The runner up, 5th grader Stephen Phillips, tripped up and spelled it “y-o-u-r,” setting Anne up for the win.

Other words that eliminated students were “thier,” “yeild,” “sentance,” “restaraunt,” “Febuary,” “rediculous,” “tommorrow,” and “definitly.”

Mayor Indictment
The counsel representing Mayor Chuck in his corruption case have requested the judge throw the case out on lack of evidence and grounds that the prosecutor “is a weird fairy who dresses like a minstrel and acts like a complete retard.”

The judge representing the case declined comment.

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