Mayor Chuck Re-elected as Mayor of Byron City!

Re-Elected Mayor Charles "Chuck" Barther

Re-Elected Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

In a whirlwind election, former Mayor Chuck Barther was re-elected to a post he had recently resigned from due to scandal, returning order and a sense of normality to a city left in turmoil and steeped in scandal.

“We don’t care about the scandal, we just want things to go back to normal, like when he was the mayor before,” said John Parks, a Byron City native, in a sentiment shared by a majority of voters yesterday.

When the polls closed at 9pm last night, it was already clear that Mayor Chuck was the winner, gathering in 72% of the vote. Other candidates included town hero Lady Cerridwen with 17%, town recluse Bill Grue with 6%, and Internet sensation Grumpy Cat with 5%.

grumpy cat

Platform slogan: “No Hope.”

The last-minute election was run by the State, who took over management of the city after Byron City’s most recent mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was arrested and charged with multiple counts of corruption and illegal activity.

When State officials were asked about whether Mayor Chuck should be allowed to take office given his past scandal, they stated, “Yea, sure, we’ll pardon him or whatever, anything to get this freak show of a town moving again. That statement is off the record, by the way. Don’t type that.”

Mayor Chuck did not campaign for or even vote in this special election, but since the news broke last night, he reportedly showed up for work at City Hall in exactly the same manner as he did before he resigned, dressed in a faded grey suit, carrying a briefcase and a brown-bag lunch.

“Go away. I have work to do,” Mayor Chuck said as he climbed the staircase for work. “And as for special plans, I’m getting this town back to normal and doing nothing, just like before. And I’m probably going to shut down our city blog that you write for. That’s when things started to get stupid around here. The internet is stupid.”

State Officials will continue to monitor things in Byron City, but have stated that they will no longer take an active part in the town’s day-to-day activities. “We’re leaving. This town is boring.”

Graduate Can’t Stop Throwing Hats in the Air – Byron City News Digest Graduation Edition

Graduate Can’t Stop Throwing Hats in the Air
Byron High School Graduate Dennis Cartwright can’t stop grabbing hats and throwing them in the air after participating in the traditional “throwing of graduation cap in the air” at the conclusion of the graduation ceremony.

“It started with his graduation cap, then all his ball caps, and now he goes up to complete strangers, throws their hats in the air, and then runs away,” says Dennis’s mother, Debbie Cartwright. “It’s a compulsion and he says he can’t control it.”

As of press time, Dennis was getting frustrated with Krispy Kreme Donut hats.

Live-in Graduate Gowns
Graduates from Byron High School are still wearing their graduation caps and gowns two weeks after graduation in order to “get my money’s worth.” Whether this is a coordinated demonstration against the rising costs of education and the extortion of students, or just some weird new thing kids are doing now, no one knows.

Commencement Speaker Aspires to Speak at a Better School
This year’s commencement speaker, inventor Thomas Rathe Jr, inventor of the Easy Lifter, addressed graduates at Byron High School by discussing his aspirations to one day be the commencement speaker at better school.

When can we go home?

The student body immediately responded to the comments by continuing to play on their cell phones and pay no attention whatsoever to what was going on.

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Spelling Bee
The 9th Annual Byron City Spelling Bee ended with local 4th Grader Anne Patel correctly spelling “you’re.”

The runner up, 5th grader Stephen Phillips, tripped up and spelled it “y-o-u-r,” setting Anne up for the win.

Other words that eliminated students were “thier,” “yeild,” “sentance,” “restaraunt,” “Febuary,” “rediculous,” “tommorrow,” and “definitly.”

Mayor Indictment
The counsel representing Mayor Chuck in his corruption case have requested the judge throw the case out on lack of evidence and grounds that the prosecutor “is a weird fairy who dresses like a minstrel and acts like a complete retard.”

The judge representing the case declined comment.