Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Mis Won Best Picture

best picture 2013 nomineesI’m sitting here writing this article Sunday morning and setting it to post Monday morning because I don’t want to stay up late to write it after all the Hollywood bigwigs have finally stopped talking about how great they are and licking each other’s feet-holes. I’ve written a broad article that covers all three of the top contenders for the 2013 Academy Award for best picture. Just circle the one that actually won and you won’t know the difference.

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable Won Best Picture

danile day lewis oscars

Inside, I hate all of you.

Wow, I can’t believe (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) won best picture! I was happy to see (how excited Ben Affleck looked/how outwardly pleased yet inwardly loathing of everyone around him Daniel Day-Lewis was/ how Anne Hathaway literally laugh-cried into a blubbery mess of mascara and short hair before any winner was actually announced). They certainly deserved their moment in the spotlight. Now I can stop (wondering/hoping/getting annoyed every time someone says the title with a horrible French accent) and move on to congratulate the uncontested winner.

The academy must have (had a hard time choosing/second guessed their decision/thought it would be hilarious) to give this particular film the win, but in the end, I guess they really wanted (a really exciting yet brilliant film to win/a picture with historical gravitas to win/to get “One Day More” stuck in everyone’s head for a few more weeks). I guess it just goes to show that a movie with a lot of (heart/brilliant acting/actors who can’t sing) is still the best formula for making classic cinema.

hugh-jackman-gay

It shall be my greatest performance, be-yotch.

At first I was shocked when they announced (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) was the winner, but the more I think about it, the less surprised I am. First of all, (Alan Arkin’s/Daniel Day-Lewis’s/Hugh Jackman’s) stunning portrayal as (a slimy Hollywood insider turned CIA agent/an iconic leader at America’s most difficult crossroad/a gay Hollywood heart-throb pretending to be a straight actor) was nothing short of brilliant.

Second, the (writing/production design/volume of terrifyingly disgusting prostitutes) was at a level not often seen in movies these days. And third, it must have taken years for (John Goodman/Sally Field/Helena Bonham Carter) to perfect that (sly sense of surly confidence/ability to channel one of history’s most famous first ladies/ creepy-looking eyeball face thing she does).

Helena-Bonham-Carter

Yup, that’s the look.

My hat goes off to the director, who no doubt (has done his greatest work to date/must have spent years studying and immersing himself in the time period/just ripped everything off of the Broadway production). And that scene where (the American’s get stopped at the airport/ the Amendment is being voted on in the House/Amanda Seyfried and Eddie Redmayne attempt to sing at each other) was a complete nail biter! I almost couldn’t watch!

Of course, no movie is perfect, and this year’s winner is no exception. It could have done better with (character development/historical inaccuracies/trying too hard to make me cry) but overall it was a truly brilliant performance worthy of (your movie collection/the history books/Kathryn Bigelow’s disdain). No doubt all the fans of this film are currently (happy Ben Affleck finally got the praise he deserves/discussing the film’s message for our modern age/sacrificing a virgin on the altar of Victor Hugo).

So here’s to this year’s winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture! Hopefully your success will inspire many more movies with (intelligent intrigue/timeless importance/Russell Crowe’s beard) in the years to come.

Now will everyone stop bring up Dare Devil already?

Thank you. Now can we just forget about Daredevil from now on please?

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