Missing Mayor Found, Duct-Taped to Town Hall

Town Hall erupted this morning as Byron City’s missing Mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was returned to the steps of Town Hall, duct taped to the wall just outside the front doors and gagged, with a box full of pictures, documents, and audiotapes left next to him with the label “Evidence.”

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Mayor Sir Ryan had been missing for over a month after a Celtic Club celebration in front of Town Hall turned into an impromptu LARP battle between the Celtic Club and their rival, the Renaissance Club. The Mayor, himself a Renaissance Club leader, led the LARP assault, but in the end was defeated. There was no word or sight of him since.

In his absence, all official Mayor duties were carried out by Deputy Mayor Brian Havig and Mayor Sir Ryan’s right hand man, the Sarcastic Thief. Havig has stated that it has been hard to get any work done, since he’s not sure if the sarcastic thief actually likes his ideas or if he’s just being mean.

Then last week, local conspiracy theorist and camouflage enthusiast Bill Grue announced in a blog post, that he had indeed found and captured the Mayor and had him tied up in one of his bunkers. Local law enforcement was unable to find the Mayor since Grue reportedly has many emergency bunkers hidden all over Byron City, primarily for hurricanes, wildfires, chemical warfare, a second Obama presidency, suspension of guns laws, gay marriage, and the zombie apocalypse.

It is believed that initial inspection by law enforcement of the box marked “Evidense” has uncovered proof of wrongdoing and illegal activity of the unpopular Mayor during his short time as Mayor, including bribery, misuse of power, mismanagement of funds, and forcing of a certain citizen to be his girlfriend (allegedly Stephanie Banks-Dickson, a married woman whom he is known to have had a crush on).

We will provide more information as it becomes available.

Superbowl Blackout Conspiracy Theory

Beyoncé makes Illuminati symbol to her worshipers during her performance at the Superbowl.

Beyoncé makes Illuminati symbol to her worshipers during her performance at the Superbowl.

The Superbowl was this past Sunday. I usually don’t watch it because of the subliminal messaging and radiation that comes through the television during large scale televised events, but this time I was watching it through a special deflector, and something came up that intrigued me. Just after halftime, as the Baltimore Ravens were completely destroying the 49ers, the power went off. Over 30 minutes later, the power was restored and the game continued. The 49ers came back to nearly win it. The game ended, life went back to normal.

Or so you thought.

You see, the power outage was no accident. Beyoncé isn’t a simple entertainer. And Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos mean something much darker than you could possibly imagine. Take a look again at the chain of events and tell me there is no connection.

Superbowl Blackout Chain of Events

End of Second Quarter — The Score: Ravens 21, 49ers 6

Halftime — Beyoncé Performs. Sings anti-marriage /  government-forced celibacy song, “Single Ladies.” Beyoncé and her fans make illuminati triangle symbols with hands as they worship her during the performance.beyonce illuminati fans

Beginning of Third Quarter  — Ravens score immediately on kick off.

Shortly after Raven’s Kickoff Score  — Stadium goes dark

5min into Blackout  — 49ers punter goes missing.

7min into Blackout  — Oreo tweets this pre-prepared blackout ad.

13min into the Blackout  — Ravens momentum has cooled off. A few fans witness Jay-Z in the shadows near the locker room entrance screaming at Joe Flacco.

22min into the Blackout  — Colin Kaepernick disappears from the field for a few moments. Returns with new tattoo.

34min into the Blackout  —  Jim and John Harbaugh exchange secret hand signs.

35min into Blackout  —  Lights go back on, play resumes.

3rd Quarter  —  49ers miraculously come back to make the game more exciting and lucrative for late-game advertisers.

4th Quarter Commercial Break  — We are fed a subliminal TV commercial glorifying the virtues of manual farm labor and serfdom.

End of 4th Quarter  — Ravens “take a safety” instead of kicking it off, making the final Score 34 – 31, the illuminati number of death.*

So those are the facts. Anything look suspicious? It should. And it’s no coincidence that Beyoncé just a few weeks prior lip-synced at the inauguration of fellow Illuminati leader Barack Obama. But why has the Illuminati so publicly flaunted their power? Why the secret death code? Why do players with dreadlocks never seem to have one ripped out accidentally during play? I haven’t connected all of the dots yet, but there’s definitely something they don’t want you to know. We may be on the eve of a new world order.

P.S. I’ve found the Mayor, and he’s currently tied up in my basement. I’ll deliver him when I’ve finished my investigation.

*3431, based on the letters on a standard US telephone, the numbers spell “Die.” The 1 has no letters on a telephone because, according to the illuminati, the number “one” represents their satanic leadership, which cannot be defined.

And the Winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture is…!

The Academy Awards, aka the Oscars, aka the worst award show on the planet, will take place on February 24th. They have already announced the nominees, with the Best Picture category garnering the most attention and stealing the glory away from other awards such as Best Cinematography and Best Sound Mixing and Best Person to Hold a Boom Mic Over An Actor’s Head.

So which Best Picture nominee will take home the top prize? Which obviously gay star will choose this moment to come out of the closet that he or she wasn’t exactly hiding in to begin with? Will the host this year suck or will they dig Billy Crystal out of his tomb again?

Here are the nominees, along with my prediction of the winner.

“Django Unchained”

django-unchained-jamie-foxx

Another Tarantino film with a ton of violence and a misspelled title. I don’t know how Tarantino managed to get any filming done when he was constantly whipping blood off of the camera lens I’ll never know. Seriously, this guy loves splattering blood so much I’m surprised he hasn’t been locked away as a serial killer yet. And stop acting in all your own movies. It was cute when Hitchcock did it because he was old and didn’t say anything. You actually try to act. Stick to what you do best: fantasize about killing hundreds of people all day and then writing a screenplay about it. Sicko.

“Les Misérables”

Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean Les Misérables

Note to everyone: stop trying to pronounce the name of this film correctly, you sound like you’re dry heaving. Which is exactly what I was doing for real during the entire length of this 3-hour debacle. At least the title, translated to “The Miserables” is accurate. I can’t think of a more miserable movie full of miserable actors who all called in sick for their voice lessons. I liked it better when it was a play, and even better when it was a giant novel I would never read.

“Amour”

Amour film

Showing that the Academy still gets all-gooey for all things French and cripplingly depressing. I’d rather visit my grandmother in an old folks home built inside of a renovated concentration camp. That experience would be a LOT less depressing.

“Argo”

ARGO

This whole movie was just an excuse for Ben Affleck to wear crazy 70s suits to work everyday and do what he does best: pretend to be a real life filmmaker. Time to call it quits, Ben. Even after an Oscar-nominated movie, Matt Damon STILL won’t return your phone calls. And your wife has weird toes.

“Lincoln”

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I loved this movie. The whole story of Abraham Lincoln trying to end the civil war, outlaw slavery, and kill vampires by night was truly compelling. Wait, that’s not the one that’s nominated? The boring one without vampire killing was nominated? That 2.5-hour waste of my life where Lincoln struggles to accomplish something we already know he’ll accomplish in the first place? The movie that not only has no vampire battles but skipped the part where Lincoln gets his head blown off? The only good part of that movie was watching James Spader freak out when Lincoln walks into the room unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, the academy can choke on their own elbow patches.

“Life of Pi”

life-of-pi

I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called Slumdog Millionaire and the CGI tiger was a crazy game show host. I also liked it better when the boy and the tiger were two gay cowboys. Either way, this movie won’t win simply because there weren’t enough other people in this movie to overact for the academy. And not “Indian” enough to get the white-guilt vote. 

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”

beasts-of-the-southern-wild-2jpg-a41fc72827b8ef87

Another movie no one has ever heard of included only so the Academy still seems “legit.” But when you define legit in the same way a hipster wearing a cookie monster bib defines legit, you are no longer legit. This movie is weird, confusing, and is only nominated because people still feel bad about the whole Louisiana Hurricane Katrina thing.

“Silver Linings Playbook”

silver-linings-playbook

Would have liked it better if Jennifer Lawrence broke out her bow and killed all the other contestants to win the movie. Especially Bradley Cooper. He needs to go back to his modeling career, where he just stands there and looks pretty.

“Zero Dark Thirty”

zero dark thirty

If you make a fake crappy movie about a real awesome event, then you shouldn’t get to be nominated for best picture. It’s cheating. A hair-lipped monkey could have made this story into a Best Picture nominee. Speaking of which, why are we still so enthralled with Kathryn Bigelow? Aren’t we over this whole “women are just as good as men” thing yet? I thought we proved that already and can go back to letting men win at everything again like we’re supposed to.

Predicted Winner: We Are All Losers.

When Hollywood strikes out, we all lose. Wake me when they start making Godfather-calibre movies again.

Beyoncé Lip-Synced at the Inauguration? My world just shattered

Beyonce lip-synch

Like every other patriotic American, I watched President Obama’s inauguration to view a historic event unfold in real time. And also to see Jennifer Hudson, Jay Z, Katy Perry, James Taylor, Kelly Clarkson, and especially, Beyoncé. My fave diva of all time behind Madonna and Lady Gaga.

But I just heard that Beyoncé lip-synched her inauguration performance. Lip-synced! That’s right, it was all a sham. The only true sound coming from the stage at that time was the sound of my world shattering. Is nothing real anymore? My hopes and dreams have all been crushed. Someone call Chris Angel and tell him there is no magic in the world.

I mean, I can’t believe it is true. I watched and re-watched her song many times: her enthusiastic hand gestures, the veins popping out of her neck, and her removing the earpiece because she’s so awesome she doesn’t need no earpiece to touch the hearts of America. All of it, lies? Say it ain’t so, Sasha Fierce!

I haven’t felt this let down since I found out Katy Perry and Russell Brand were getting divorced. Tomorrow, I’ll spend the day hiding under my bed eating saltines and listening to “Mad World” on a loop.

Online Review: Smucker’s Peanut butter WITH honey in the same jar? Wha…?!

Am I in the future right now?

Am I in the future right now?

I was doing my bi-weekly grocery-shopping trip at Dales Food & Drug this morning when I noticed something that completely shocked me: Smucker’s All-Natural Peanut Butter with honey. WITH honey?! Am I in the future right now? Will I walk outside and see hover cars and laser beams all over the place?

First it was Greek yogurt, and now this? All these new products…the world is just plain moving too fast for me. I just sat there trying to decide whether to buy it or put it back. In the end, I took a deep breath and put it in my basket. What a rush!

So after I went outside, waited for the shuttle, got on the shuttle, went past main, 3rd street, 4th street, Williams street, turned right on 7th street, passed the bowling alley, passed Washington Ave, Belmont Ave, River Rd, turned left and then took a quick right into my home at Pleasant Acres Community for Active Adults, I got some bread from the kitchen area and got a’ spreadin’!

Review of Smucker’s All Natural Peanut Butter with Honey

This is my first online review ever! Wow, I’m all full of trying new things, what has gotten into me today? I’m sure not acting my age, that’s for sure. Next thing you know I’ll be wearing tight jeans and having a pizza party!

Ok, my first review, so here goes:

I enjoyed Smucker’s All Natural Peanut Butter with Honey very much! It tastes great on bread, and I no longer need to open two jars and spread honey and peanut butter separately. All the sandwich, half the time!

But it wasn’t all butter and honey! I don’t mean to be a Negative Nelly, but it was a bit messy. Also, the jar lid was hard to open, even after I had already opened it many times. And you don’t get the same crunchy honey bread taste from it as you do when you spread peanut butter and honey separately. But I guess these are the sacrifices we make with new technology comes along. It’s just one more thing I’ll miss as I get older. That, and my grandchildren. And my mother.

Smucker’s All Natural Peanut Butter with Honey

Pros:
–       Peanut Butter and Honey in one jar, no need for two jars
–       Tastes great on bread

Cons:
–       Messy
–       Jar is hard to open
–       I miss my grandkids

Protest Turns into giant LARP Battle

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Byron City – The Celtic Club’s Winter Solstice Festival turned into a full on LARP Battle when the Medieval Club showed up to forcibly shut it down, leaving hundreds of teens and college students pretend injured and fake dead.

The Festival, held as both a celebration and an open protest against the unpopular, newly appointed Mayor Sir Ryan, commenced despite threats from the Mayor to arrest anyone in attendance. Sir Ryan, himself a member of the Medieval Club, has also passed other unpopular laws, such as forcing restaurants to add giant turkey legs to their menu, spending the local library’s entire budget on Game Guides, and forcing the Byron High Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad.”

Celtic Club members began their festival Saturday at 11am on the grounds of Town Hall, choosing the spot purposefully in order to “annoy the mayor.” Mayor Sir Ryan responded by dispatching his own force of over 200 “medieval body guards,” armed with foam swords and shields and drunk on “Courage Mead” (Mountain Dew). The LARP battle began immediately, with Mayor Sir Ryan himself joining the fray (photo).

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Mayor Sir Ryan leaping into action to defeat a Celtic Club protestor outside Town Hall.

Calls flooded the local 911 call center for nearly an hour, though no action was taken since “nerdy teens doing something weird” as callers described it is not technically illegal.

By the end of the conflict, the Celtic Club had taken over the Town Hall, raised their flag, and began distributing free butter beer while singing a Gaelic victory hymn before the real police arrived and dispersed the crowd.

Mayor Sir Ryan disappeared with his closest aids after the battle and has not been seen since.

Celtic Club attributes its victory to the fact that it was “fighting for freedom and the very right to exist.” They admit that some of the victory may be due to the fact that they have more “hot girls” than the medieval club, and many nerds willingly let a girl beat them for the chance to talk to her later and maybe going to The Hobbit or something next weekend.

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Medieval Club soldier purposefully “going easy” on rival Celtic Club soldier for the chance to talk to her after.

Re: Winter Solstice = Illegal

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

We fear not thy threatenings. We shall be ready, sword in hand.

Mayor Sir Ryan has directly threatened we, the Celtic Club, with arrest and persecution should we hold our Winter Solstice Festival in Moons Field. Such a clear abuse of power hath not been known since the Romans conquered and enslaved the Celtics of the British isles long ago.

So in response, we shall concede. That’s right. We shall not hold our Winter Solstice Festival at Moons field tomorrow. We instead shall hold our Winter Solstice Festival DIRECTLY ON THE GROUND OF CITY HALL, so that the infernal, corrupt Mayor may watch our festivities from his office window.

We anticipate nearly one thousand attendants. Possibly more. This is not an exaggeration. If the Mayor delights in arresting innocent surfs and subjects, and assuming he has room in his already overcrowded jail, then we shall make it easier for him and celebrate at his doorstep, foam swords in hand.

Your move, Mayor. See you tomorrow.

– The unconquerable Lady Ceridwen