Got maced on Black Friday and all I got was this stupid TV

I went to shopping at Walmart to buy little things for my grandkids early Friday morning, like I do every Friday, and for some reason there was a huge mob of people running out of the store with stereos and TVs and bags of things at a frantic pace. Riot? Occupy Wall Street? World War 3? A black family moved in down the street? What was going on, and why hadn’t I heard about it on the Today Show?

See the look of horror on their faces?

Not one to break plans, I went in anyway. Inside, it was worse: pushing, biting, yelling, swearing, lighting things on fire, even a man crying on his knees next to a fallen friend. What was going on? I was so confused, more so than usual, so I tried to leave, but before I knew it someone had maced me and stolen my Hoveround, and when I finally crawled out and made it back to the bus stop, I somehow had a big screen 3D TV, a $2 waffle iron, and something for gardening called an iPod.

My grandchildren were so disappointed on Sunday when I showed up without the saltwater taffy I usually buy, and only had a TV and that iPod thingy to give them. I’ll make it up to them on Christmas by stuffing their stocking with extra boxes of raisins. Not sure what to do with this other stuff I left the store with…oh, what’s this? An XBox? What’s inside of an XBox? Sounds dirty. Where’s my letter opener…

– Jean

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Turtle Doves: Not Mutant Flying Turtles

On the first day of Christmas, my true love wanted a very traditional christmas, so she got me a very “traditional” gift. It was not the leather massage recliner I asked for, nor the mini-helicopter. Nope. Instead of getting what you ask for, girls like to “surprise” you. And I have to admit, I was surprised. She got me two Turtle Doves.

I got HER a really nice watch. One of those watches with diamonds on them that costs WAY more than it should. And I got two Turtle Doves. At first I was like, “Cool! Flying Turtles! It’s like my boyhood fantasy of hanging out with the teenage mutant ninjas come true!” Not so. Turns out that Turtle Doves are just regular doves that have nothing to do with turtles. And they crap everywhere. Here’s a question to all of the scientists in charge of naming things: Why would you call one species by the name of a completely different species? How about Penguin Dogs? Sheep Monkeys? Sasquatch Unicorns? It makes no sense. It’s as though you just put the names of all the world’s animals into a big bag and the first name you pulled out, you tacked onto the front of “dove.” Here, let me help you rename the Turtle Dove to something more appropriate: Sucky Doves. Much better. Now I know exactly what kind of animal it is.

Blame it on scientists with all left brain and no right. At least Turtle Doves aren’t as annoying as four calling-birds she got me last year. The four eating-snakes at the community college seemed to like them better.

– Rashad

P.S. I’ve heard of something called the Turgarine (Turtle-Allagator-Wolverine). Not sure if it’s myth or real. Anyone know?

Beware of Christmas Ninjas

christmas ninjas

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a dead night.

Every Christmas, I warn people about Christmas Ninjas. And of course, no one listens.

Christmas ninjas are real, and without proper precautions, we could ALL end up on the naughty list. And by naughty list, I mean head-chopped-off-in-our-sleep list.

Christmas Ninjas originated at the beginning of the 15th century when European Christianity began to encroach upon feudal Japan, specifically condemning their mid-winter Shinto tradition, where the God of Ice, a gluttonous half-man, half-demon dressed in red and covered in white hair, would leave pickled blow-fish for the good children, and kidnap bad children in his giant bag and eat their intestines with a glass of goat milk. It was their happiest celebration (oh, how history repeats itself).

But with the surge of Christian missionaries in Japan, the people began to fight back to preserve their heritage. Thus, Christmas Ninjas were born. At first, their methods were to cause serious mischief to Christian foreigners: stealing a single sock out of the wash, hiding their keys, leaving the latrine seat up, leaving the cottage door open so all the bugs would get in, etc. But soon, when the missionaries happily ascribed all mischief to “Holiday Elves”,  Ninjas began incorporating more violent tactics: eye stealing, toe eating, brain-eating ear bugs, etc. Ever sit in bed, almost asleep, and feel something “bite” your toes? Christmas Ninjas. Ever wake up and half your toes have been bitten off? You’ve been really naughty.

Christmas Ninjas continue to this day, hidden under a veil of Christmas glee. And their mischief is almost entirely un-ascribed to them. They are that good. There was even a song written about them in the early 19th century, but the Ninjas killed the writers and changed the lyrics to keep the public unawares:

“You better not pout,
you better not cry,
you better not shout I’m telling you why.
Christmas Ninjas will plant a deadly, growing bamboo shoot in your stomach”

“They’re making a list, killing you twice
They already know if you’re naughty or nice
Christmas Ninjas are going to switch your toes to your hands and fingers to your feet.”

They see you when you’re sleeping.
They know when you’re awake.
They know if you’ve been bad or good,
so be good for the sake of not having your organs harvested.”

I hope we all are better aware now, and look out for Christmas Ninjas. It’s simple. Just don’t do anything bad. And if you have, put arsenic in the milk and cookies.

– Bill Grue

Decorating for Christmas- Do’s and Don’t’s

Hi everyone! As many of you know, I look forward to decorating for Christmas every year. My house at Christmas is the talk of the town, and I don’t intend to disappoint this year! Many of you have asked me for decorating tips, and I’m more than happy to provide you with some of my most important pointers:

Do:

Our tree this year

Start Decorating as soon as Halloween is over
Just as it’s ok to start decorating for Halloween right after labor day, it’s perfectly acceptable, if not encouraged, to start decorating for Christmas right after the cobwebs and witch-smashed-into-tree decorations come down.

Use animatronics with sound
Wake up to the sound of Santa Claus saying “ho ho ho” and busy elves banging away with their hammers in your yard! You and your neighbors will really get in the holiday spirit with sound and movement that plays 24-hrs a day for two months straight.

Include Other Religions
It’s ok to include other religions in your Christmas decorations! Use a Menorah for Jews, a crescent moon for Muslims, and the sign of the devil for Atheists.

Don’t:

Forget baby Jesus
With all the presents and fun, it’s easy to forget baby Jesus, so make sure he’s represented, like a doll wrapped in swaddling clothes held by a caring Santa, or the three wise elves carrying toys to the manger. Be creative!

Use real Animals in your nativity
Don’t find out the hard way. Three car accidents, a manure-filled yard, and a missing baby later, I learned my lesson last year.

Don't stress! Hehe...

Collapse into the fetal position chanting the carol of the bells when things don’t go perfectly
Remember, the holidays are supposed to be fun! So if everything doesn’t go perfectly, just laugh. Even if the slightest mistake will ruin all your hard work, and your husband picked up multi-colored lights instead of clear ones, and moths got into the santa costume, and your mother in law sewed you awful stockings and expects you to hang them by the fireplace, and your neighbor refuses to clip the tree branches that are clearly hanging over YOUR yard, and…oh look, it’s time for my pain killers! Still hurting from my back surgery last Christmas.

Loves!

Michelle Stevens